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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not invite these children?

92 replies

GranolaMam · 13/01/2014 12:09

We have a birthday coming up and DS would like a party. He wants to invite his whole class, except two boys. He says they are naughty and aren't nice to him. He's getting quite upset about it, and has, in the past, asked to leave similar parties because of these boys. I don't know what to do, I have told him it would be unfair to exclude them, but I'm worried it will spoil his party...

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 13/01/2014 13:38

It would be very mean to exclude just two boys.

I'd scale the party down, I think.

teenagetantrums · 13/01/2014 13:40

My children are teenagers now, but when they were younger they picked the people they wanted to come to their parties, I, as a working mum who never picked them up would have no clue if they left out just two boys or one girl ect, its a party for my child they get to decide who attends , i wouldn't have cared if other parents were upset about their child being left out, as long as my child didn't go to school and make a big point of why they were leaving out said child in a mean way.

Mim78 · 13/01/2014 13:40

I wouldn't invite them but I would try to cut down to the kids your ds likes best, as others have said. Class list is a good idea.

I only invited a few from dd's reception class to her party as she'd just started and I couldn't get any sense from her about who she was friends with (I got about 5 names tbh which I suppose was good going in October!). Plus one or two whose parents i'd met.

Recently she was invited to a party by a boy whose Mum said he'd only invited 5 girls. Other parties seem to have a smattering from the class but by no means all of the girls (I wouldn't know about parties where they've invited all the boys and no girls!). However, I've never had her come home upset that she has not been invited to a party, and I'm assuming there have been some, even several, to which she was not invited.

pictish · 13/01/2014 13:43

Yes...if your lad really can't bear to have them at his birthday party, then it should be scaled down to a select few.

There is never any excuse to leave one or two 4/5 yr olds out of a whole class party invite, no matter how bad their behaviour. If it's really that bad then you ask the parent to stay and supervise. You do NOT leave them out. That's what children with no social skills do. It makes you no better than the children you feel justified in ostracising.

chillykitty · 13/01/2014 13:46

The whole class sounds extreme
Dds 5 th bday is sun
She has invited 3 class friends to the house for games etc

DontmindifIdo · 13/01/2014 13:55

How will hte invites be handed out? At school? Will the 2 boys know the others have had invites and that everyeone else is invited? Chances are, not everyone else will accept, so you might not have the case thta everyone except these boys are going/talking about it on the Monday afterwards.

If they have been so horrible to your DS he's wanted to leave other children's parties, then I'd not invite them. If you can manage it by missing out some others as well, that's all the better. i'd also tell him if you do this, he can't be mean to them, which means he's not allowed to talk about his party before hand so he doesn't risk sounding like he's gloating.

AnneWentworth · 13/01/2014 14:02

We have never had a full class party. I just ask them to select between 6-8 people who they want but we also tend to have the parties in our flat with pass the parcel etc rather than things that need a minimum number if children.

I don't think you would be unreasonable not to invite them but I do think cutting the size will help with this.

Also, being mean is a bit ambiguous I find sometimes (not always obviously). In as much as mean can mean a whole spectrum of things.

NurseRoscoe · 13/01/2014 14:48

It's not harsh not to invite them.

They are nasty to him, THEY are the ones who are harsh, who cares about their feelings when they have upset your son so many times in the past?

Yes they may bully due to many different reasons but that is not your problem, your main responsibility is your child and creating happy memories for him to live with all his life. He will remember if forced to change his birthday plans for a couple of bullies.

Toecheese · 13/01/2014 16:24

They are being nasty to him, why would you invite them? I think it's fine as long as you are discreet handing out invitations and arranging the event. Ask your DS not to mention the party within earshot of the boys.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 13/01/2014 16:58

I wouldn't invite any child to a party that had constantly upset my child, why should a child be unhappy at their own birthday party

WooWooOwl · 13/01/2014 17:03

You need to find out exactly what these boys have done first.

If they really have been horrible, then it's fair not to invite them, but from working in reception I know that it's not unusual for children to complain of others being mean to them when they just won't give up their toy instantly on being asked for it, or they don't want to play the same game.

morethanpotatoprints · 13/01/2014 17:15

When we had this same problem we scaled everything down and only invited 10 or so, certainly not many more.
it is mean to leave out 2 boys especially when friendship groups change a lot during the early years of school.
They aren't both sex parties for that long, usually until junior and then it becomes same sex and much harder to leave people out Good luck OP.

OddFodd · 13/01/2014 17:16

Really, how many parties can your DS have asked to leave because of these two boys? He's been in reception for one term

I can't believe how utterly callous and cruel adults can be to small children. Those of you who think that it's okay to exclude two children from a whole class party should be ashamed of yourselves.

mrsjay · 13/01/2014 17:20

I wouldnt invite them I tell this story every time this comes up, dd went to a party years ago the birthday girl said to her I DONT LIKE YOU my mum made me invite you and i like presents, my dd was hurt the girl said it really loud apparently, anyway what i would so is have a set number of children allowed to go and stick with that

Justforlaughs · 13/01/2014 17:24

I'd exclude them (and would be quite happy for my own DCs to be excluded in similar circumstances) but I think you should explain to their parents why you have done so. Or, again explain the situation, but say that you don't want to exclude them but they need to be supervised. I still think that your own child's feelings take precedence over another child who is badly behaved. (I posted one of these threads myself a while ago, and got flamed, but didn't change my mind)

roundtable · 13/01/2014 17:28

These children are 4 or 5.

I hate how people always aappear on these threads and happily admit they would leave a child out because of their behaviour. They're are a child for God's sake.

You have no idea as to why they act the way they do. I've yet to meet a child whose behaviour was not due to home life, immaturity or an additional need.

Either invite a few or all of them.

Sorry op, what I'm saying actually isn't aimed at you as you do seem concerned about the situation but those who lack in empathy to an unbelievable level.

Can I repeat this is 4 or 5 year olds we're talking about. Not 24 year olds. They're still learning to play. Their curriculum is based on learning to play cooperatively.

roundtable · 13/01/2014 17:29

These children are 4 or 5.

I hate how people always aappear on these threads and happily admit they would leave a child out because of their behaviour. They're are a child for God's sake.

You have no idea as to why they act the way they do. I've yet to meet a child whose behaviour was not due to home life, immaturity or an additional need.

Either invite a few or all of them.

Sorry op, what I'm saying actually isn't aimed at you as you do seem concerned about the situation but those who lack in empathy to an unbelievable level.

Can I repeat this is 4 or 5 year olds we're talking about. Not 24 year olds. They're still learning to play. Their curriculum is based on learning to play cooperatively.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2014 17:30

Again - what is the actual problem with these boys? Who are no older than 5 I'd like to remind people, so very young.

And why can't an adult make sure they behave?

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2014 17:31

And anyone who says they'd be happy for their DC to be excluded under similar circumstances - really?

Wait till it happens...

roundtable · 13/01/2014 17:32

Sorry about the double post my phone keeps doing that.

Hulababy · 13/01/2014 17:34

I would invite the bys but say that their parents need to stay around.

I could never leave out just two children.

As said on another thread about parties today, my rule is: whole class/group or half or less of that class/group.

So if 20 in class - you invite all, or you invite 10 or less.
If only inviting boys (eg 10 in class)- invite all boys, or 5 or less of the boys.

tethersend · 13/01/2014 17:43

It was worth saying twice, roundtable

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/01/2014 17:47

I never knew this "all or none" from a class was a thing until joining mumsnet. It certainly wasn't a thing when I was at school. Interesting.

lljkk · 13/01/2014 18:04

How many children in the entire class, OP? I thought DS y1 class was small at 22.

oadcb · 13/01/2014 18:12

Why can't you just talk to the parents?

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