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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite these children?

92 replies

GranolaMam · 13/01/2014 12:09

We have a birthday coming up and DS would like a party. He wants to invite his whole class, except two boys. He says they are naughty and aren't nice to him. He's getting quite upset about it, and has, in the past, asked to leave similar parties because of these boys. I don't know what to do, I have told him it would be unfair to exclude them, but I'm worried it will spoil his party...

OP posts:
Boreoff456 · 13/01/2014 12:34

If they are in reception they are 4/5 & have only been in a class together for 1 term. Its entirely possible your ds will eventually get on with them. Or not.

Personally I would invite them and explain to ds that he wouldn't like it if it was the other way round.

Not inviting them is likely to cause a further issues between them.

I actually did the same. I also explained to dd that maybe inviting them mat be a way of resolving the issues. I also promised get that if she extended the 'olive branch' and they carried on being mean, i wouldn't force her to do it again. And i would've spoke to the parents.

i think its quite mean to exclude just 2 children and may make the situation worse.

Its hard because i don't think kids should be forced to get along. But i think there can be things we can do to help them get along.

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 13/01/2014 12:34

No way that I would invite a child that was unpleasant to DD's birthday party and ruin it for her. It's a 5 year old's birthday party, not an exercise in equality and fairness.

Would some of you actually invite children that you knew would upset your child to their special party ? you'd rather upset your own child than another ? I find that truly bizarre

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 13/01/2014 12:36

From the OP's first post. He's getting quite upset about it, and has, in the past, asked to leave similar parties because of these boys

Boreoff456 · 13/01/2014 12:38

Actually I thought they were reception. Of they are older and this has gone on for a while, then its different.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2014 12:38

Why can't you have the parents stay or assign an adult to supervise?
And you haven't said how old they all are.

You are clearly torn or you wouldn't have asked.

KateAdiesEarrings · 13/01/2014 12:40

'Why would anyone expect you to invite children who aren't nice to your DS?'

I don't think people are expecting the op to invite, we're just sharing our experiences.

In the case of my ds' party, there were lots of mitigating circumstances as to why the other little boy acts out. At 5, ds isn't aware of them but as an adult, I am.

I wouldn't have put the other child's happiness at the expense of my ds' happiness on his birthday but I also wouldn't have a whole class party with only one or two exceptions. As RainbowSpiral said I would have held a smaller party if ds was immovable on inviting the other child.

Original poster
GranolaMam · 13/01/2014 12:43

They are reception - so 4/5 yo

OP posts:
BadRoly · 13/01/2014 12:49

I know you say the class is small anyway but I would go with a smaller party with half the class or 10 of them. Based on the 5th birthday party I sat through yesterday, most if them will cry/sit on knees for most of it anyway!

mrstigs · 13/01/2014 12:49

How many are in his class? Does he have any friends outside school - family/neighbours/your friends kids/activities etc? Maybe you could invite a few non school friends then half his class instead?

CocktailQueen · 13/01/2014 12:51

How many are in the class??

I wouldn't invite a child who has been persistently mean to my dc to my dc's party. The feelings of my dc would matter more than those of the other kids. sorry!

Kundry · 13/01/2014 12:53

I'm sure I remember similar threads where a consensus for party invites was:

The whole class
Or all the boys/girls
Or less than half

If the class is small, missing 2 out will be very obvious.

tethersend · 13/01/2014 12:56

One possible outcome which nobody seems to have considered is that you invite the two boys (along with everyone else), they have a lovely time and the relationship with them and your son becomes a positive one.

This is a likely outcome IME.

KateAdiesEarrings · 13/01/2014 12:58

tethersend that was the outcome it had in my ds' case.

Lemongrab · 13/01/2014 12:59

I wouldn't invite the two boys if it would upset my child.
Why should the op's DS have two children at his party who are not nice to him? Why should he be upset at the thought of these boys spoiling his birthday in case it hurts their precious feelings? It's his party, not theirs.

Personally, I think children in general need to know that actions have consequences. That includes being excluded from the party of a child you are mean to.
Maybe some think it mean, but my child's feelings on the matter would trump the feelings of the two children who make my child unhappy.

allmycats · 13/01/2014 13:00

Your child has specifically asked to leave places because of the behaviour of these other 2 boys, there would be no question in my mind, it is your son's party and he does not want them there.
Whilst it may appear mean to not invite them, even at a young age children need to be aware that there are consequences to their actions.

RosinaCopper · 13/01/2014 13:02

I know that different people have different opinions on this, but when my ds was in exactly the same position as your son a few years back, it ended up that we invited all the boys in ds's class except for the two who were mean to him (I had witnessed the pushing etc and the parents did nothing). I felt that as an adult, I wouldn't invite people that I didn't like / who were unpleasant to me to a party, so why should my ds?

But, I also explained that the two boys concerned might feel upset, how would he feel, etc and he accepted that he was very likely to be excluded from any party that they may have in the future and was fine with that. As it happens, the boys now get along after a fashion as my ds is no longer their target, but I still think that what we did under the circumstances was fine and in the end it was my ds who made the decision not to invite them.

DeWe · 13/01/2014 13:16

The "they're mean to me and always naughty" is as seen through the eyes of a year R.
What he hasn't seen is that one of them lost his mum in the summer holidays due to a long fought battle against cancer, and the other has got dyspraxia and is lashing out because the other boys because they're telling him he's rubbish at football whenever he tries to join in with anything.
Does that make you see it in a different light?

Either have a small party (10 is plenty in year R) ask him to write a list and the top 10 go. Or invite them all.

sanschocolat · 13/01/2014 13:18

I agree with Boreoff456 I would invite them. It's really horrible and hurtful to be missed out of a class invitation. We had a similar situation once and put contingency strategies in place ie dd's godfather attended the party and was put in charge of monitoring one or two particularly "difficult" characters. He did end up having to take one of them aside at one point and explain the basic rules/what was expected etc but all went fine in the end. You do need enough adult manpower to follow this through though.

I'm afraid I don't agree with those who say "it's his party so it's up to him". Even with party/treat scenarios dc have to learn how to get along with difficult people. And it's not a given that they will disrupt the party anyway! However, I would reassure your ds that his concerns are being taken seriously and that contingency plans have been put in place.

hazeyjane · 13/01/2014 13:21

It's a 5 year old's birthday party, not an exercise in equality and fairness.

When is the right time to exercise equality and fairness? Isn't it something we should try and exercise and teach our children in all areas of life?

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 13/01/2014 13:27

We did whole class/Church hall-type parties when they were in Reception. Mine both have Autumn birthdays, so everyone was quite new to each other. I quite heavily managed the party (a little like a teacher, I suppose), jollying along the shy and trying to control the unruly. It was hard work, but it was to try and avoid any nastiness. That is not to say I didn't have a list of children I wasn't prepared to invite again like the ones who were nasty to DD's younger brother at the party. IME, we only had one such large party. So far, it has been only girls and the one who is rotten to DD is usually away the holiday we have her party, so we invite her with impunity.

NigellasDealer · 13/01/2014 13:29

is this not the same problem that was posted before?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 13/01/2014 13:32

What Oldandcobwebby said: I wouldn't invite them. If they are unpleasant to your DC, why should you pay to treat them? Life has consequences.

Put yourself in the position of the parents of the non-invited child. How would you react if you knew your child had been mean to another child. A missed party is a great consequence to back up your parenting message.

pictish · 13/01/2014 13:33

Oh no - you can't have a class party and invite everyone except two. No way. That would be incredibly petty and mean!!

Scrounger · 13/01/2014 13:34

We had a similar situation for DS's birthday last year, DS wasn't happy about inviting him, they had both been fighting and I had to talk to the teacher about it. The boy however was new to an established class and may have had problems fitting in. I talked to DS and explained that we would watch this boy, my Dad kept a close eye on him and diverted the children if anything was happening. They are now friends and have had play dates after school.

My experience was OK but you need to weigh how upset your DS may be at his party, esp if he has asked to leave other parties they are at. Also, two of them acting together may be a bit more of a handful to watch. I would probably alter the invites so it isn't too obvious and maybe invite some children he knows from outside school.

YellowTulips · 13/01/2014 13:36

You can't just exclude 2 kids. I understand your DS's POV but friendships move quickly in primary.

Equally important for you to set the example that this type of exclusions is touching on bullying.

Invite them all, or have a smaller party of 10 or so.