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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is an OW! AIBU to tell her i disapprove?

53 replies

DuchessofKirkcaldy · 12/01/2014 01:16

Backstory. Mil and I have always got on well. Mil is early 60s.Fil passed away 3 years ago (cancer).
Shortly after Fil died, mil recieved a letter fron an old male school friend. It stated that he had always been in love with her and had heard about fils passing.
Dh and I immediately decided to check him out as best we could as it all seemed a little fishy.We couldn't however find anything untoward.
This week mil has told dh that they are going on a date (no problem with that,she still deserves to live her life).She explained how much he says he likes her and that wait for it he and his wife are like brother and sister and she doesn't understand him Hmm.
Mil has expressed very strong opinions about affairs in relation to others, but seems to think this is ok?
Dh says she wants to talk with me about it when we meet for lunch next week.
Wibu to point out her general views on this subject ( and mine) or should I just smile and shut up?!

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 12/01/2014 01:19

Personally, if she asks your own opinion, you should give it. If she doesn't, smile nicely and order a big piece of cake to keep you occupied as she talks about old/new love.

What does your DH think?

RunRabbit · 12/01/2014 01:22

If she wants to talk to you about it then I'd tell her.

soundevenfruity · 12/01/2014 01:27

What is it exactly you are concerned about? Whatever you are planning to do, if you want to do it with glee I would stop there and then.

Original poster
DuchessofKirkcaldy · 12/01/2014 01:29

Dh seems to be a little in denial. He told me the facts as they are, however when I showed a little disapproval gave catsbum face he said "ffs it's not like they're shagging" and likened it to when her and her neighbour of 30 years had coffee together.
Neighbour and his wife are both friendly with mil (were also with fil).

OP posts:
Tryharder · 12/01/2014 01:32

I would keep any disapproving remarks to myself. Not my business and not my position to judge.

MillyRules · 12/01/2014 01:32

I think that I would be telling her my opinion on the subject of seeing a married man and the bullshit story he is spinning her, but nicely.

CSIJanner · 12/01/2014 01:34

The "misunderstood" married brother man has written to a recently bereaved woman expressing condolences and love, and they're going on a "date" this week?

Yep - your DH is in denial.

Original poster
DuchessofKirkcaldy · 12/01/2014 01:35

Not with glee at all. She deserves to be happy. I do have strong views about this however. My uncle had an affair and I remember the effect on my Aunt.
Also I reall feel that it's not going to end well, she has had a lot of heartache over the last few years. I genuinely worry she is making a bad judgement call as she has told me and dh how lonely she is.
We try to include her in as much as possible but she still goes home alone.

OP posts:
Worried3 · 12/01/2014 01:36

I agree with RunRabbit- if she wants to speak to you about it, then you give her your honest opinion. I wouldn't necessarily offer it to her unasked- she is your MIL, not your DM, sister or best friend after all (and even then, I'd be somewhat reticent to pass comment unasked- though I might if I felt they were being strung along/acting out of character).

I'd emphasis that you totally understand that she is entitled to have relationships, and that you aren't against her moving on with her life and being happy now FIL has sadly died. I'd point out that you are concerned she'll get hurt, as affairs don't usually end happily. I'd also say this is concern is compounded by the fact that it is so out of character as she normally thinks affairs aren't right.

Does the man in questions wife know about your MIL? I suppose it is possible they have an open relationship. I wonder how your MIL would feel about that?

Mimishimi · 12/01/2014 01:36

If I were your MiL I'd insist on meeting the wife and making sure she knows this his assessment of their relationship and get her view on his extramarital relations . If it is as he says he should have no problem with them meeting up.

Original poster
DuchessofKirkcaldy · 12/01/2014 01:48

Mimi you are right , that is what she should do. Not sure she would like it suggested to her though.

The whole thing is out of character for her. She is vunerable and lonely though.I suppose that can cloud judgement.
Fil died of a disease that resulted in a large payout though. Sorry don't mean to drip feed had meant to put that in original post.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuchessofKirkcaldy · 12/01/2014 01:49

Mimi you are right , that is what she should do. Not sure she would like it suggested to her though.

The whole thing is out of character for her. She is vunerable and lonely though.I suppose that can cloud judgement.
Fil died of a disease that resulted in a large payout though. Sorry don't mean to drip feed had meant to put that in original post.

OP posts:
TheBigJessie · 12/01/2014 02:21

Oh, your poor MIL. I'd love to believe that old school friend has an open marriage, but I think he's actually a deceitful arsewipe looking to take advantage of a grieving woman. You are not unreasonable to be worried.

I fear she will end up dreadfully hurt by this, when if it becomes clear to her that he is a deceitful arsewipe. I'm sorry, but beyond "be there for her" I have no advice. I don't even know the best way that would constitute being there for her. She is an adult, and she has the right to make her own decisions. But if this was someone in my family, my heart would be in my mouth as I stood at the sidelines.

beluga425 · 12/01/2014 07:43

You don't need to talk of disapproval, just tell you are worried and that she needs to be careful as she hasn't seen this man for a very long time etc...
You could also suggest that in time, as long as nothing happens, she could end up making friends with the couple, and meeting someone else thru them.
She has said she wants your advice so she's obviously not sure about it.

ToniViolin · 12/01/2014 07:49

Yes, I agree with cupofcake, talk to her in terms of concern rather than disapproval.

And you might want to tell your DH that people in their 60s do shag.

DrNick · 12/01/2014 07:52

None if your business

JapaneseMargaret · 12/01/2014 07:52

She explained how much he says he likes her and that wait for it he and his wife are like brother and sister and she doesn't understand him

Well, this is the clincher, surely. The comment that proves he does not have platonic intentions.

This is the line that always, but always, gets trotted out by people who cheat.

And besides, he says he's 'always been in love with her'. Your DH is probably right, they may well not be shagging, but if yer man has anything to do with it, then that clearly IS the plan. It's just a matter of time.

I fear there is pretty much nothing you can do, and this will sadly, end in tears.

JapaneseMargaret · 12/01/2014 07:54

It is the OP's business, DrNick - the MIL wants to talk to the OP about it...?

Inertia · 12/01/2014 08:02

I would be be totally honest with her. I would point out that this man could well be after her money. If it were really a case of desperate burning passion for your MIL , marital fidelity wouldn't have have stopped him before because he is willing to cheat on his own own wife so wouldn't have been at all bothered about his true love's husband. Wonder how long he'd stay interested if MiL suggested the money was was inaccessible in trust funds ?

I would also make it clear to her how much of a cheater's cliche the ' like brother and sister ' line is , and she can check this out by speaking directly to the wife.

My first priority would be to protect my MIL while she is so vulnerable, and try to include her in family life and help her develop her owm social life again , so that she isn't left feeling alone.

Yama · 12/01/2014 08:02

Agree with Cupofcake and ToniViolin. So, yes YABU to tell her you disapprove.

BohemianGirl · 12/01/2014 08:03

Just my take on it.

Old BF. In love with her. Pops up when FIL dies. How convenient is that timing?

Wife of BF may or may not exist. MIL however is vulnerable. BF is at worst predatory.

Does MIL have money? Because I bet she wont in 6 months......

GlaikitFizzog · 12/01/2014 08:05

Is it known that your mil got a big pay out? I mean, is it a small community, where maybe several locals had similar? Going by what you have said I think I cam hazard a guess as to the type of cancer you are talking about. Are you worried this man is sniffing about for money? I would be.

You don't know 100% what your mil wants to talk about. I would be honest with her. Not scathing, gentle and mild. Say you want to believe that he has an open marriage, but she needs to 100% sure he is telling the truth. She is a grown up, she can make her own decisions, but as you said, grief and loneliness can cloud someone's judgement.

It's lovely you have a relationship where she wants to speak openly with you.

God luck.

DrNick · 12/01/2014 08:07

Ha sorry. Misread.

JapaneseMargaret · 12/01/2014 08:25

The open marriage business is neither here nor there. He wouldn't need to peddle the brother/sister/she-doesn't-understand-me line if he and his wife have an open marriage.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 12/01/2014 10:01

Warn her & your dh that it is most likely to be a inheritance scam. It adds up, a recently widowed woman & a bloke from 30 yrs ago professing his undying love. Plus he has a sibling wife & expects your mil to accept this. The possibility that he may be interested in anything that your mil has inherited from your fil should not be ignored. Tell your dh is inheritance is at risk, that might wake him up!

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