in wanting my unreasonableness accommodated?

[TheLittlestSprout]

I know I'm being unreasonable but given the circumstances want this to be accommodated. AIBU?

I live abroad and get to travel home once a year. Last year I didn't as I was heavily pregnant so when I go in a few weeks it will be the first time I've seen my parents for 2 years and the first time any of my family have met my son.

I normally stay with my parents. My sister lives nearby and visits them several times a week with her 4 kids and their large, friendly bouncy dog. I want my sister to leave her dog at her house for the week I'm staying. My sister is throwing a strop and refusing to do this and my parents are saying they don't want to get drawn in, which feels like they're prioritising the dog over their grandson.

I know AIBU however in my defence 2 months ago DS (then 5 months old) was attacked by my fuckwitted ex friends dog. Thankfully he wasn't seriously hurt and his face has almost completely healed now and he seems to be completely over it. Unfortunately I am still totally traumatised. I can feel a panic attack coming on just writing this. I know it wasn't my sister's dog, I know it's unfair to punish him for this other dog's behaviour but I can't stay with DS in a house where there is a dog running free. I just can't. In fact I think I'd rather just cancel and not go at all.

So flame away. I'm being PFB aren't I?

[Bunbaker]

Why do some dog owners think that everyone should love dogs?

I adore cats and think that people who don't are odd but when we had cat haters visit us I would shut them out. It is called good manners and making people feel welcome.

Why does this sister have such a sense of entitlement that her dog comes before the issues of her sister and nephew? Why can't she leave it at home? Is it so badly behaved unless it is supervised that perhaps the OP is right to be concerned?

[TheLittlestSprout]

Quite a few people seem to think this is really about me wanting my parents to pick me over my sister. Really it isn't. It's about the fact that I'm haunted by the sounds of my baby screaming in a way I've never heard a baby scream before and the sounds of an angry dog and blood everywhere, my babies blood and thinking that he was dead, that the dog had killed him. Right now I just need to be able to go 'home' and to feel safe and have people around me and to feel like they care.

[Bunbaker]

That's because they don't understand or won't try to understand.

[pippop1]

I totally agree with you OP and feel sorry that you are not going to see your parents.

From what you say your parents view themselves as grandparents of a dog? It's not you, it's them.

[TheLittlestSprout]

Worried my parents won't come here. My husband has offered to pay for them to travel many times, they just won't come.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Give it a while. Your parents may come around she. They have bad time to think.

[SiliconeSally]

I am so sorry, OP, of course that is what you want, and sadly you aren't safe in your parents house. And nothing to do with the dog.

It's funny, I was reading another thread where mother can't bring her self to let her MIL be with her baby after the MIL accidentally caused the baby' a foot to be scalded. Everyone understood that the trauma would take a long time to recover from even , and even if some posters did feel that she was actually being irrational they understood that.

Of course your anxiety is sky high.

So sorry.

[clam]

YANBU. In your shoes I would be feeling very hurt that my family appeared to think so little of me and my child that a) they couldn't be arsed to visit us abroad and b) that they'd prioritise a bloody dog that's not even theirs, over meeting their grandchild for the first time in two years.

This is CRAZY.

[Worried3]

Hmm... you see I do think there are issues deeper then your fear of dogs and your sister refusing to leave her dog at home (although I do understand why you have those fears).

I don't mean that they are all your issues- I mean their is clearly issues between you and your sister at the very least.

Is there a reason why you're parents won't visit? Do you and your parents normally have a good relationship? Do they get on with your DH? Is it money (and they don't want to "take charity" as they are embarrassed)? Is it hating travel (although that could be overcome to see a DGC in all but severe phobias, I should think)? Is it ill-health?

Right now, I think you need to let the dust settle a bit, then contact your parents and try to explain why you cancelled your trip and your feelings- then listen to how they feel and why they acted the way they did. Perhaps a bit more mutual understanding (and good will) is required on both sides.

I do agree, though, that your sister should have been prepared to compromise by having the dog on a lead when entering the house and being kept away from your DS. Your parents should have encouraged/enforced that compromise. That way neither daughter would have been favoured and you could have visited.

The way she spoke to you after you cancelled wasn't right either- and I would bring this up with them. Do they know she said this?

[clam]

And wtf is your mother "upset?" She's brought this about, firstly by refusing to be drawn in on the issue (effectively, therefore, choosing your dsis) and second, by stating that everything will be as normal with regard to the dog's visits.

I wouldn't countenance anyone trying the emotional blackmail line re: her feelings. And they will. It was your sister tonight; tomorrow your dad will bring out the big guns. I would just say " She's upset? How do you think I'm feeling? If they can all chuck their toys out of the pram, then chuck yours further.

[TheLittlestSprout]

They won't come because it's out of their comfort zone. Anything foreign is out of their comfort zone.

[clam]

Are they not keen to see their grandson? Here they are, with a great opportunity to meet him at last, all at your own expense and effort, and they've shot themselves in the bloody foot.

[TheLittlestSprout]

I guess not.

[MakingEveryDayCount]

YANBU, and it's completely understandable that you don't want your sister's dog there. (Even if it's not your sister's dog's fault,you're going to be anxious around dogs near your baby.)
If you're only there visiting for a week and she visits your parents a couple of times a week, why the hell she can't just leave the dog at home for that week you're visiting is a bit baffling.
A case of not giving a shit about her nephew (which is charming in itself) and only thinking of herself.

[UncleT]

Definitely not unreasonable. A dog attacked her BABY's face - how the hell is she supposed to feel having him around dogs when the child's face is still not completely healed??

No, this is massively unacceptable. Not seen family for two years and they can't even make the simplest leap of empathy and understand her fear. Terrible conduct.

[MakingEveryDayCount]

Sorry, just seen your update, OP.
They haven't visited you, have never met their grandchild and are still obstinate and putting obstacles in your way when you want to come and visit? Then scream and say you're not welcome?
I have no words. They sound absolutely awful. YADDDDDDDDDDDDDNBU, THEY are.

[MakingEveryDayCount]

YANBU. In your shoes I would be feeling very hurt that my family appeared to think so little of me and my child that a) they couldn't be arsed to visit us abroad and b) that they'd prioritise a bloody dog that's not even theirs, over meeting their grandchild for the first time in two years.This is CRAZY.

Oh, and what clam said! ^^

[Caitlin17]

Quintessential that sounds sensible. I started thinking OP was being unreasonable but if sister isn't going to compromise by keeping the dog in another room I'm changing my opinion.

If sister isn't prepared to even give notice then OP is not being unreasonable.

[browneyesblue]

Sorry Sprout - it feels rotten, doesn't it?

My relationship with my parents (now just my father) sounds similar in a lot of ways. Their/his relationship with my sister has always been unhealthy, and she also tantrums and screams when things don't go as she would like. A grown woman screaming like a toddler!

I have also been on the receiving end of her screaming down the phone at me.

I have reluctantly accepted that there is nothing I will ever be able to do to change this situation. Although I have had no contact with my sister for years now, I made the decision to detach emotionally from my father when DS1 (3) started to notice his grandfather's lack of interest. The final straw came was when I was due to give birth to DS2. My pregnancy was high risk, I knew I wouldn't be able to go full term, and my father agreed to stay with DS1 while I gave birth. I do not have many relatives in this country, and none who live close by.

It never happened as my sister decided to visit him with her children for the first time since she left the country 8 years ago. My father visits her several times a year. Her visit was timed to coincide with the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy. My father told me that her visit might be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. He never came right out and said it, but he dropped enough hints to let me know he was unavailable to look after DS1.

I don't know if it will be the same for you, but after all the years of watching my parents pander to my sister, it took seeing my father drop my son in favour of my sister to spur me into making some changes in our relationship.

It's not you - it's them :(

[ElbowPrincess]

I'm with you OP, yanbu! I am so sorry for what you and your DS went through, sounds horrific. Your description of it gave me the chills :( I hope he is healing well and is a happy wee boy :)

[Longdistance]

I'm in total agreement with the op.

My dd2 who is 2.6 went to her god mothers house the other day. She has a bouncy big chocolate Labrador. He is harmless, but nonetheless she took the dog to her mothers as knew a) dd2 may be scared, and b) it's common sense, he's a big dog, and wasn't sure how he'd react more than likely to jump on her, or sit on her

I think your dsis is being highly unreasonable, but I'm not the best person to talk to about dogs, as to me they lick their bums, and then a humans face My idea of hell.

[nkf]

Poor you. And your poor little boy. It made my blood run cold hearing what happened to him. Do they know how bad it was? It baffles me that they can be so unreasonable and unfeeling.

Take care. Your husband sound great and very supportive. Use the money you would have spent on someting for you and your family.

[MaitlandGirl]

I'm so sorry it turned out like this. I'm a dog owner and also have 3 children. My dogs are fine with my kids but I never assume around other children.

We often take ours with us when we go to the inlaws (20 kms away) but if I know there's a visitor there with a pre-schooler I leave them at home, or shut them away if they turn up unexpectedly.

It's all about respect, and unfortunately it doesn't appear as if your parents and especially your sister respect you.

[oadcb]

So sorry to hear they won't be reasoned with. IMO as the sister and parents don't see the dog could be a risk then its more a risk.

[ikeaismylocal]

m sorry your trip has been canceled. It possibly is for the best.

My parents have a vile collie who bites children and adults he sees as lower than him. I do take my ds to stay at their house but if he comes into the room a shout get away very loudly at him and stamp my foot, the vile dog is now terrified of me and ds and that is the way I want it.

I hope your anxieties around dogs lessens over time.

I have anxieties around my ds's health after he was really ill with rs virus as a tiny baby. If someone came to visit with a cold I'd really panic, I know it is illogical but I can't help it. I have an appointment to talk about my anxieties next week, I wish I had done it sooner!