Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

in wanting my unreasonableness accommodated?

158 replies

TheLittlestSprout · 11/01/2014 18:04

I know I'm being unreasonable but given the circumstances want this to be accommodated. AIBU?

I live abroad and get to travel home once a year. Last year I didn't as I was heavily pregnant so when I go in a few weeks it will be the first time I've seen my parents for 2 years and the first time any of my family have met my son.

I normally stay with my parents. My sister lives nearby and visits them several times a week with her 4 kids and their large, friendly bouncy dog. I want my sister to leave her dog at her house for the week I'm staying. My sister is throwing a strop and refusing to do this and my parents are saying they don't want to get drawn in, which feels like they're prioritising the dog over their grandson.

I know AIBU however in my defence 2 months ago DS (then 5 months old) was attacked by my fuckwitted ex friends dog. Thankfully he wasn't seriously hurt and his face has almost completely healed now and he seems to be completely over it. Unfortunately I am still totally traumatised. I can feel a panic attack coming on just writing this. I know it wasn't my sister's dog, I know it's unfair to punish him for this other dog's behaviour but I can't stay with DS in a house where there is a dog running free. I just can't. In fact I think I'd rather just cancel and not go at all.

So flame away. I'm being PFB aren't I?

OP posts:
impty · 11/01/2014 23:08

Yanbu.

I have 2 large dogs. They don't meet people who don't want to meet them. End of. They are kept in a safe pleasant room when my baby nephew comes to visit.

I trust them, I really do but I I would never risk it. I actually spend more time reminding everyone else that they are dogs not humans or toys!

pictish · 11/01/2014 23:19

No one said her baby was in danger, for god sake.

"Juno77 Sat 11-Jan-14 20:58:46

Every dog that attacked a child had a 'first time' and presumably the majority were thought to be friendly pets before they attacked. Including the one that attacked the OP's DS.

The parents are endangering the child. Any dog can turn aggressive."

pictish · 11/01/2014 23:19

Just sayin'

Juno77 · 11/01/2014 23:25

Oh and a big thumbs up to those on this thread telling the OP that she is nbu, and that her baby is in danger from the bloody dog. Way to go to allay her fears folks. Jolly well done. You all helped loads.

------

I refer to your post above pictish.

No one said her baby was 'in danger', just that she is reasonable to feel like her baby is in danger, because essentially, dogs can be dangerous creatures.

pictish · 11/01/2014 23:33

So are cars and bananas and snow.

I sympathise with her fear, but I also recognise it is irrational. You lot backing her up in her demands are not helping her to rationalise it whatsoever. You're all encouraging her to think that if she is not pandered to, her family are against her.
Not very helpful.

Juno77 · 11/01/2014 23:38

I don't think being opposed to having a large dog in a house is irrational.

Juno77 · 11/01/2014 23:40

I also don't think it's pandering to someone if they would prefer not to have a great big dog come to the house at which they are staying, a couple of months after their baby was attacked, by a great big dog.

pictish · 11/01/2014 23:44

Well...we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one Juno. My point of view may not be popular, but there you have it. It is what it is.

Bunbaker · 11/01/2014 23:55

"I also don't think it's pandering to someone if they would prefer not to have a great big dog come to the house at which they are staying, a couple of months after their baby was attacked, by a great big dog."

^^ this

You just don't get it pictish do you? Trying to go "cold turkey" and deal with a large, boisterous dog so soon after the attack is unrealistic and could do more harm than good. I do think it is a good idea for the OP to acclimatise herself to dogs again, but this isn't the right time and place to do it.

Worried3 · 12/01/2014 00:13

You are both being unreasonable. However, I suspect this is only partly to do with the presence, or otherwise, of your sisters dog.

OP, I can understand why you would rather the dog be kept away given recent events, but I think it a bit OTT to cancel the visit altogether over this issue. Surely a better compromise would be to ask for notice of when DS and dog are coming round, and go out? Not ideal, but as you do recognise your fear is irrational, perhaps better than not visiting at all?

I think it is also OTT to accuse your parents of prioritising a dog over their DGS. They aren't- if anything they could be said to be prioritising the your sisters wishes over yours. That is, I suspect, what is upsetting you- that your parents are not "on your side" on this and are not allowing your fears to over-rule your sister's normal routine/wishes.

Is it possible your parents are fed up of having to "take sides" and just want their DDs to sort it out themselves? Let's face it, whichever "side" they come down on, they are going to upset someone.

Your sister is being unreasonable in the sense that she could leave her dog at home, and I doubt it would make much odds to the dog or her in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps she doesn't understand how upset you are. Have you told her? Maybe she thinks you're being a bit of a drama queen, and doesn't see why she should bend over backwards to accommodate your demands, but if she knew how upset you were she would back down? Or perhaps she just doesn't see why she should disrupt her normal routine over what she sees as something totally irrational- perhaps not the most considerate thing to do- but I can see why she would hold that view.

I think you sound quite dismissive of her sister- and her parenting. Maybe you have good reason, but I wonder if your sister senses this and doesn't see why she should alter anything on your say so- especially something she sees as irrational- so is digging her heals in.

You say your parents won't stand up to her, as if she gets annoyed she won't let them see their DGC. But aren't you going to be doing the same thing? You are saying you won't visit if they don't do what you want- so if your parents don't do as you ask, then they won't see your son. I do note that they have not been to visit you in your home either though.

My advice, OP, would be to go and visit your parents and arrange to go out when your DS comes round. I think you also need to work on getting over your fears, as it's not worth letting it get out of hand. Oh, and suggest your DPs visit you in your home next time.

TheLittlestSprout · 12/01/2014 00:14

Sorry I've been gone a while trying to sort something out with them. Sadly I won't be getting to see my parents any time soon and have now cancelled the trip :(

In short, they are not prepared to do anything different to what they normally do. No keeping dog home, in the garden, in one room or any other change. They're not even prepared to keep the back door closed so that the dog first arrives in a controlled manner 'because he gets so excited about visiting his grandparents'. So the first I'd know of his arrival will be him charging into the living room and jumping over all the furniture and people. I won't even get the chance to pick DS up off the floor. I can't cope with a week like that.

So now I'm the devil incarnate for upsetting my mum and my sister has been screaming at me down the phone that I'm never welcome there again. :(

OP posts:
AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 12/01/2014 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RenterNomad · 12/01/2014 00:27

That's not a comfortable trip, potentially with nowhere to escape your fears, for a week, as you never know when your sister, dog and family might turn up.

attheendoftheday · 12/01/2014 00:27

Wow it sounds like everyone is being massively U. I find it hard to believe that this is really about the dog, seems a lot like it's really about asking your parents to pick sides between you and your sister. And both of you will with old access to your dc if you don't get picked.

Cancelling the trip seems like an overreaction just over the dog (I thought Worried's post had a lot of sense in it) but I wouldn't stay with someone who had been screaming at me. Is there any way you could try to discuss the real issues bout the family dynamics and reach a resolution?

Thisvehicleisreversing · 12/01/2014 00:27

Only just finished reading this thread and saw your update op.

I'm so sorry that your family have been so unreasonable.

I can't believe that they aren't willing to accommodate you better for your visit. With your sister living close to your parents I can't understand how difficult it would be for the dog to stay home.

I wouldn't be happy staying somewhere with a big dog bounding about either and I haven't got a baby or had to experience the horror of a dog attack.

I'm sad for you that your parents aren't willing to move heaven and earth to get to see your beautiful little baby. Sad Thanks

Chippednailvarnish · 12/01/2014 00:28

It's not your problem, it's theirs. And how dare your sister say that you're not welcome at your parents' house!

Chippednailvarnish · 12/01/2014 00:32

It's not your problem, it's theirs. And how dare your sister say that you're not welcome at your parents' house!

Chippednailvarnish · 12/01/2014 00:32

It's not your problem, it's theirs. And how dare your sister say that you're not welcome at your parents' house!

Chippednailvarnish · 12/01/2014 00:33

I'll shut up now!

SkinnedAlive · 12/01/2014 00:34

Awww so sorry to hear your trip has been spoilt OP :( I remember how scared I was driving after being in a road traffic accident. It doesn't matter whether a fear is rational or not - being scared is horrible. The real issue was never the dog, just the fact your sister was not prepared to compromise. If she had been, and a careful introduction had taken place, I have no doubt that by the end of the week you, the dog and your son would have quite happily been in the same room together. If your sister had any empathy at all, should have been happy to help you and your son get over your fear of dogs. Instead she seems to have used it as an excuse to cause a family rift and make you out as the bad one :(

pictish · 12/01/2014 00:37

I find it hard to believe that this is really about the dog, seems a lot like it's really about asking your parents to pick sides between you and your sister. And both of you will withhold access to your dc if you don't get picked

I agree with that. This is not about the dog, it's about you and your sister.
I'm sorry it's such a mess OP, but I think you're all being as unreasonable as each other. You refusing to go if you did not get your way, and her screaming down the phone that you aren't welcome.
I hope you can all calm down and work out whatever your issues you have with one another, and find a resolution of sorts.

Bunbaker · 12/01/2014 00:38

Quite apart from anything else, it is downright rude not take a visitor's discomfort into account anyway. Nothing like not making someone feel welcome.

Your sister sounds horrible. I'll be your sister if you like Flowers

Worried3 · 12/01/2014 00:38

Well, now I think your sister is BU- she should meet you half way and let you know when she is coming round so you can absent yourself. At the very least, the dog should be coming into the house in a controlled manner given your concerns and the age of your DS.

I still think this is only partly about the dog though. I think your parents just don't want to take sides, and I can understand that.

You can't be surprised that your parents are upset. Was it your sister who said you weren't welcome at your parents house? If so, it's not really up to her and I would ignore it completely.

Perhaps you should suggest your parents come and visit you? That way you'd feel more comfortable (home turf, no dog or sister) and your parents would get to see you and your son?

pictish · 12/01/2014 00:39

Fwiw - I think she could at least have agreed to supervise the dog and keep it calm in your presence. On that you are definitely nbu. That was a perfectly reasonable ask.

I'm so sorry it has all got to pot like this. Sad

pictish · 12/01/2014 00:41

And yes...who the fuck is she to tell you you aren't welcome?
Outrageous behaviour.