Not to want my mum to turn up at the crack of dawn

[Elfina]

We live in London, and my mum in a city 2 hours drive away. She's a nervous (she says) driver, so wants to leave at 6am tomorrow so driving through London won't be too intense. She says she 'can't' work out a route that doesn't involve driving through the centre of town (she has a satnav!), so there's no other option. She says she not capable of getting the train as it's too scary (but driving through Central London apparently isn't).

I've asked her not to come up before 10am, but I know she'll be here at 8. DD is 14m, when she was a few weeks old she rocked up at 7:30. We were in bed! DH was livid.

So as not to drip feed, we've had a difficult relationship in the past. She was emotionally distant/abusive/neglectful during my childhood, and until just before I got pregnant with DD we hadn't had contact for 7 years as I've found her emotionally manipulative. This is the first time she's coming and staying the night (the time's she's been before she's made a song and dance about driving down and back in one day). Dreading it.

God. How horrible. Can you send her the address & directions to your local Starbucks?

I cannot abide early morning visitors in the weekend. I don't think I've ever had any, to be fair.

You just need to make in plain, you will not be ready before 10am and if she's too early, she'll need to park up and get a coffee somewhere until 10am.

My MIL used to do this.

She just didn't 'get' that if you are invited to someone's house you should arrive at a time that is convenient for them, not you. And had this old lady obsession with starting car journeys ridiculously early.

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do though - if she arrives too early just tell her to make herself some tea because you are not getting up yet.

Oh, and to be clear - she's just turned 50 - nothing incompetent about her!

Bloody hell she's the same age as me! I would never behave like that ….

If she doesn't like traffic and will be with you at the crack of dawn, what time is she planning to leave??????

Is not answering the door an option?

Get her making breakfast, washing up, reading the newspaper if she arrives significantly early. Get on with what you're doing. Remain civil, but don't be chatty.

Start to treat her more as a guest - to be entertained/talked to/taken out at the official start time of the visit.

My PILs live 2 hours away and they once arrived here at 7.30am. And they had stopped for breakfast. WTAF is wrong with these people?

You have a 14 month old and you wont already be up at 8? Really? What's your trick for that?

Normally I'd say 'Suck it up buttercup' - but actually, given your history, tell her straight that she is not welcome before x o'clock so if she goes through with her plan to find a coffee shop until then and that if she turns up before then, she wont be coming in at all. Be firm & clear.

Stick a note on the door saying 'Gone fishing , back at xx time' I once did this to an unbearable relative that just couldn't believe I had appointments at x time and turned up when told not to .

She was very confused

I just wouldnt answer the door until you are ready.

She is coming to stay the night & is planning on turning up about 8 IN THE MORNING. Who does that, i usually turn up mid afternoon/just before tea time. What is she planning on doing all day?

Could you hide a key somewhere and tell her to let herself in?

"until just before I got pregnant with DD we hadn't had contact for 7 years as I've found her emotionally manipulative."
And she still is.

IMO the 'nervous driver' claim is total bollocks. If she really was a nervous driver faced with driving through central London, she'd have booked her train ticket instead.

If she really HAS to drive (and I think we both know she really doesn't) then make it plain to her that she will just have to go and have a coffee somewhere until, say, 10am. And if she cuts up rough about that , I'd consider telling her to not bother coming. She is being manipulative. Do not allow it. Maybe even threaten going non-contact again (and genuinely consider it too. It may be the only way ).

This is what is be tempted to do, but I am far from an expert. I would get up and out before she arrives. Then down come back until the agreed time. Have a nice breakfast somewhere. It will be a PITA but might prevent this again.

I am another one who is about the same age as your mother too and I would never, ever do this. My DD lives about 2 hours away by car and we will be arriving at about 11.30 am.

Please just tell her it is not convenient before xxx time. This is something you need to get sorted out. I don't buy it that she is a nervous driver either, driving into London is not for the faint hearted! She is coming to London, the transport system is really good, buses, trains, tubes and taxis are readily available.

What a mean spirited thread.

Is it going to kill you to key her in early?

Did you invite her to stay? Do you have a decent relationship now?

I'd say let her arrive early and perhaps help get dd ready?

Night mare even with the easiest if visitors.

no no no to earlies.

set ou t your boundries - she's getting to you before she even arrives!

What about her arriving in the evening? That would avoid the rush hour!

Just saying :)

Hand her a kettle, tea bags, washing up, a dishcloth and a pile of ironing. Thank her for coming to help you and pop back to bed. Sorted.

How about emailing her a shopping list and directions to your local (early opening) supermarket, she can get the groceries in for the weekend and have a coffee before arriving at yours.

Another vote for sending her details of local Starbucks, I am the same age as your DM and if I were visiting DD would ask what time was convenient and would turn up after then. Lurking in a cafe for a bit or having a drive around is hardly arduous surely.

My dad does this.

He lives a two and a half hour drive away and leaves at 4am.

He then sits outside in the car until he sees signs of life before knocking on the door, so as soon as a light goes on he wants to come in.