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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want my mum to turn up at the crack of dawn

78 replies

Elfina · 10/01/2014 20:37

We live in London, and my mum in a city 2 hours drive away. She's a nervous (she says) driver, so wants to leave at 6am tomorrow so driving through London won't be too intense. She says she 'can't' work out a route that doesn't involve driving through the centre of town (she has a satnav!), so there's no other option. She says she not capable of getting the train as it's too scary (but driving through Central London apparently isn't).

I've asked her not to come up before 10am, but I know she'll be here at 8. DD is 14m, when she was a few weeks old she rocked up at 7:30. We were in bed! DH was livid.

So as not to drip feed, we've had a difficult relationship in the past. She was emotionally distant/abusive/neglectful during my childhood, and until just before I got pregnant with DD we hadn't had contact for 7 years as I've found her emotionally manipulative. This is the first time she's coming and staying the night (the time's she's been before she's made a song and dance about driving down and back in one day). Dreading it.

OP posts:

Penguinttc · 11/01/2014 05:21

I'd have stayed the night in a hotel, and had a lovely lie in and arrived at 5pm, an appropriate time for the beginning of a "sleepover".

ZingChoirsOfAngels · 11/01/2014 05:30

poor you.
stock up on valium

RubyGoat · 11/01/2014 06:41

Tell her she's got two options.
1- She's a guest. She turns up at the time she is invited to stay.
2- She's not to be treated as a guest & can turn up early. Obviously you will expect her to contribute a reasonable amount towards all housework etc, for the duration of her stay.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 11/01/2014 07:04

I could have written your post! My mother lives a 3-4 hour drive away and still managed to turn up at 7:30-8am despite us agreeing on a 10am arrival time. Similar history too with emotional (and physical) abuse when I was younger. I've really had to put my foot down and she now stops at the services or a coffee shop until a reasonable time. (We still tell her to arrive no earlier than 10am knowing full well she will be here at 9am but it's better than 7:30!!)

dontcallmemam · 11/01/2014 07:13

I'm wondering if she's trying to make amends and is coming to help?
If that's the case you could make her feel useful; a big pile of ironing and the ingredients for 'that cake that you used to make that was so good'.
Honestly, no one who has ever had a baby expects to be entertained at 8am in the morning.

CaptainSweatPants · 11/01/2014 07:21

On the plus side she'll probably leave really early in the morning!!

LucyLasticBand · 11/01/2014 07:28

let her do some child care while you have a bath. or some ironing if she likes

Jinglebellsforthebetter · 11/01/2014 07:54

8 is not "the crack of dawn" FGS! Leave tea/coffee, toast etc and let her get on with it. Could she watch DC while you have a bath?

Dolcelatte · 11/01/2014 08:01

I agree with the poster who said that this is a mean spirited thread. But for the history, I would say that you are bloody lucky to a) still have your mother (mine died before her DC were born), b) that she is prepared to drive 2 hours including through central London (which is difficult at any time) to come and see you.

She's your mum, FGS, not any visitor! She will or should understand that you have a young family and she should take you as she finds you. Just let her in (or leave a key under the mat if you are really incapable of walking down the stairs to let her in), make her a coffee (or invite her to make one herself if it is too much effort), and she can read the paper or watch tv until you are ready to 'entertain' her. She could also entertain your DD if necessary, giving you a longer lie in.

I can only think that the history is awful for you to feel so uncharitable towards her. Do you actually want to heal the relationship? Maybe she wants to be a better grandmother than she was a mother. How would you feel if your DD were to publish something like this in years to come?

Dolcelatte · 11/01/2014 08:02

Sorry, I meant before my DC were born - obviously!

FrauMoose · 11/01/2014 08:33

Ah the 'I was lucky enough to enjoy a good, close relationship with my parent who is no longer alive, therefore you -despite your entirely different circumstances - really ought to feel nothing but love and appreciation because your parent continues to live and breathe,' posting.

A classic. It usually comes up if you wait long enough.

Even though there are separate threads where posters can explore their personal experience of loss.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT · 11/01/2014 08:36

Dolce did you miss, or just deliberately ignore the entire paragraph where OP talks about how her mum was emotionally abusive during childhood?

Original poster

Elfina · 11/01/2014 08:39

To those that have asked - of course we weren't in bed at 8am, but neither am a dressed/ready to talk to someone who is effectively a stranger, as I've not had much contact with her in my adult life. We were in bed at 7:30am when she came when DD was a few days old, she was asleep, but also awake every two hours.

She's not here yet, but has just sent a message saying she's 20 miles away, so, we'll see...

OP posts:

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 11/01/2014 08:43

I'm delighted when my parents turn up at the crack of dawn. I hand them ds and go back to bed

When they visit my brother they just park outside his house then go off for breakfast or shopping and await the phone call to say he's awake.

I'm clearly talking about parents with their children's best interests at heart though. It sounds like you are not! Could you suggest she go off on her own and not ring your door until 9? Or send her to the park with dd?

heatseeker · 11/01/2014 09:03

I had a difficult relationship with my mum she has been emotionally manipulative and very difficult to get along with, but we worked through it and have a good relationship now. Perhaps take a different approach to it and be more positive, it won't kill you for one day to get up at 7.30 to make her feel welcome. If she is that bad why is she staying at your house? Perhaps this is the real problem as you don't want her with you at all? Perhaps you need to talk to her about how you feel, it is the only way to move forward.
If you want a better relationship accept that you have to make an effort as well.

fluffyraggies · 11/01/2014 09:05

Be glad they're not dead.

Why do posters never say that on threads about difficult/abusive/awkward relationships with husbands, brothers or aunts etc, but feel it's appropriate on threads about mothers?

Ememem84 · 11/01/2014 09:10

lunatic my fil does this. Because I don't get up at 530am like he does. He popped in last weekend (Sunday) at 8. I was just getting up. I got the lazy speech.

Joysmum · 11/01/2014 09:19

Well, when my DD was still pre-preschool, she'd be up till late and never be up before 8:30. We had nothing she needed to be at so tailored her bedtime ti be later so my hubby got to see her when she was awake as he has always worked long hours.

Either way, people have every right to dictate what time a visitor is welcome from.

Thetallesttower · 11/01/2014 09:24

I think this is to do with your mum in general and the fact she feels like stranger. Hope the visit goes ok.

I wouldn't mind this at all, but I wouldn't mind if visitors turned up in the middle of the night if they had come from the airport which sometimes happens. My mum is welcome to let herself into my house. The idea of making my mum go to Starbucks just to allow her in at 10am is laughable. She's my family, and has seen me give birth, so I don't think being in our pyjamas is going to phase her.

If you have family abroad, as we do, then having visitors come at odd hours or leave at 4am to catch a flight is all quite normal.

Preciousbane · 11/01/2014 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crotchstitch · 11/01/2014 09:30

My DPs always arrive at least two hours late, citing bad traffic, busy services, roadworks etc rather than their complete inability to organise themselves to leave vaguely on time.
They arrived a day late at Christmas and so completely missed things that we had planned and DS was looking forward to sharing with them. At 9 he is quite resigned to it which I feel a bit sad about.
It IS annoying for your DM to disregard your wishes but I would suck it up this time and let her spend the extra time with DD while you get ready. If the visit is overall dreadful then reassess for next time, if it's simply a case of her turning up inconveniently early but the rest of it is fine then you may have to suck it up. IME people (like my DPs) have little if any concept of how their timekeeping affects others.

LisaMed · 11/01/2014 09:31

When my mother died my life improved dramatically.

btw she would travel long distance on public transport to see me because she enjoyed the travel, made her look like a doting mother and had me dancing to her timetable.

Some mums are lovely. This doesn't sound like it's one of those.

FrauMoose · 11/01/2014 09:40

I think there can be something about power between the visitor and visited.

I was once having treatment for a severe illness in a medical clinic in a rural location. I wasn't well enough to leave the grounds. There were various treatments during the week, but during the weekends the days could feel very long. However many other fellow patients had visitors at the time. At one point my parents, who I'd had little contact with decided to visit and asked about my regime there, so they could choose a suitable time. I explained about when I had treatments and said the weekend would be idea. My father promptly stated that they would visit during the week as during the weekend 'the roads would be crowded'. (The location of the clinic meant that no motorway driving or busy A-roads were involved.) I felt desperately upset about the fact that the timing of the visit was all about what was convenient for him, rather than about alleviating the terrible loneliness and sadness I often felt during the weekends at a very low point in my life.

Crowler · 11/01/2014 09:41

Sorry FrauMoose, that sounds awful.

Rissolesfortea · 11/01/2014 09:49

TBH I cant imagine why this lady would be prepared to have a 2hr drive and through London to come somewhere where she is obviously not welcome. Would it really hurt you to get up and let your mother in, after all, I'm sure she got up early many times to see to you when you were young.

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