Not to want my mum to turn up at the crack of dawn

[Elfina]

We live in London, and my mum in a city 2 hours drive away. She's a nervous (she says) driver, so wants to leave at 6am tomorrow so driving through London won't be too intense. She says she 'can't' work out a route that doesn't involve driving through the centre of town (she has a satnav!), so there's no other option. She says she not capable of getting the train as it's too scary (but driving through Central London apparently isn't).

I've asked her not to come up before 10am, but I know she'll be here at 8. DD is 14m, when she was a few weeks old she rocked up at 7:30. We were in bed! DH was livid.

So as not to drip feed, we've had a difficult relationship in the past. She was emotionally distant/abusive/neglectful during my childhood, and until just before I got pregnant with DD we hadn't had contact for 7 years as I've found her emotionally manipulative. This is the first time she's coming and staying the night (the time's she's been before she's made a song and dance about driving down and back in one day). Dreading it.

Ignoring the usual posts extrapolating their own great relationships with their mums to a situation poles apart....

And to those who say let her in then leave her with dc and go back to bed. Her mum emotionally abused her. You'd leave your young child alone with her in this context would you? Because I sure as hell wouldn't

Bizarre that as a "nervous driver" she's prepared to set off in the dark…
I
thought Crowler's suggestion of directions to the local Starbucks an excellent one!

I actually like my parents and wouldn't be impressed if they turned up that early.

I'm not home until 7pm most days, so my children have never really gone to bed before 9pm. They are now 2 and 4. Therefore they wake around 9am most days. On Friday nights we might be out later with friends so they go to bed later. It's 10am now and only eldest has just woken, and is now in our bed reading with dh, I'm making tea, and ds2 is asleep in his bed which is next to our bed.

If my parents came over at 8am I would be pissed off as me and dh would have to get up, the children would prob wake as noisy as tiny flat and my father has booming voice! It's a sat, and many people lie in/ rest, surely visitors can do the same.

The traffic is not going to be that diff in London at 8am or 10am tbh. The main traffic is buses and taxis who are already out at 8am

Frankly it's a load of crock that she's too nervous to drive or get the train at a civilised hour. It's about control.

Hope the visit doesn't go too badly but I think you need to start setting some very firm boundaries if you're going to invite her back into your life. Do it on your terms, not hers.

And to the posters who cannot conceive that a mother/daughter relationship can be anything less than idyllic, have a read of the stately homes thread

Am sure I am missing something, but what is wrong with 8am? Why is she visiting? As a social? She is travelling two hours. Compromise required me thinks.
Suggest she goes somewhere else until 10am? Are you lot serious? Sounds like a strange quirk she has, but surely one which can be accommodated without being so unwelcoming.
What time do you get up for work? Or don't either of you work?
Also find it amazing a 14m old sleeps in so long.

My mother was EA, violent and neglectful throughout my childhood.

I have been NC for 20 years. She has never met my children.

OP trust your instincts and stick to your guns. Set the boundaries because it sounds like your mother is incapable of knowing what is acceptable in an adult relationship with you and is still trying to be in control by setting timings to her advantage. As the saying goes 'Give an inch, they'll take a mile'.

P.S. Because of what happened in my childhood, there is no way on earth I would allow my mother to be alone with my children.

Shes lucky you are letting her visit at all.

Yanbu

Why do some throw in the dead parents speech? To some, its a fucking relief.

Oh and to clarify.

I wouldnt be arsed about an early visit. Id just tell them to get kettle on.

But, my family are not bastards.

the benefits of having a gate that locks! even if people turn up early they cant get to my door to wake me or dc up

Oddfodd is right. It's the control thing. No one knows until you're in the situation how mothets can hurt then play the victim. No one.

If I want to change plans or do something nice, suddenly my mother is sick, I get the guilt trip .. Ooh I need councelling, wish I was dead etc

You can't imagine the guilt tripping and it clouds your whole life.

Thanks to everyone that's replied.

I think lots of people have missed tw point slightly, it's not the time, per se, more the fact she's ignoring my wishes. I've seen her three times in the last 8 years. To those that say make the effort - seeing he at all is making the effort. I moved out of home at 16 into a hostel because it was better than living with her. And those that say hand over DD - DD does not know her from Adam, I'm not going to do that.

I appreciate those that are saying make the effort, but I think it's coming from people who perhaps have quite nice families. I've been strengthen by those of you that have replied who clearly get where I'm coming from.

Thank you all.

I confess that I turned up at my mum's door at 7.30am the day before xmas eve, after a 6 hour drive She didn't think we would be there until later that evening so she did get a shock but I knew she'd be up as she was working. We only did it because we knew she wouldn't mind, and we didn't fancy being caught in that awful weather whilst we were along the M6.

If your mum knows that it's not convenient then she should accept that and not be surprised when you don't answer the door

So what time did she turn up?

Funnily enough, she's still in bed now!

How did it go Elfina?

She will probably realise how unwelcome she is and after a few times not bother anymore.

Cue posts about how your family is neglected at Christmas/Birthdays etc.

Be careful ..dwelling on past wrongs and in bitterness will diminish your life.

This is not a mean thread.

It would be if the DM in this case wasn't nasty, abusive and manipulative.

Insisting on coming 2 hours early is rude, manipulative and dismissive of OP's wishes.

Elfina don't let her do that to you again. Be as blunt as you need to be. Don't worry about her feelings, she didn't give a crap about yours while she was beating/abusing you, did she.

Remind her of what kind of mother she was and tell her that by rights she shouldn't have any access to you or your DC, so if you say 10am, it's 10am. Or nothing.

You set the rules in your life now.

((hug))

My own experience is that being strong enough to acknowledge just how much went wrong in my early life has enabled me to move forward.

While I sometimes feel very sad and angry about aspects of my childhood, I also have a good enduring marriage, two stepchildren who I get on well with, a splendid daughter, stable friendships and interesting work.

In my twenties when I was still trying to deny/run away from the past, I was a complete mess who couldn't hold down a job for a few months or sustain a relationship, kept getting ill and who hit the bottle at regular intervals to try and dull the pain.

Elfina, just saw this and hope it all went OK! My mother is like this, I know exactly, they're just looking for an excuse to be hard done by so if you let her come at 8 then something else will be wrong instead. I wonder why these people had kids, really, I think my mother just did it to have someone to blame for being unhappy.

Wouldn't bother me as i start my day at 2/3am so by 8am it feels like lunch time! Lol

I think it's your shit relationship skewing things.

Of course it might be a control thing.

But even so, people with a good relationship could perhaps let it go.

And would only be opening the door at that time, not showered, dressed, breakfasted & ready to socialise!

Does it cause arguments with you & your husband?

Livid seems a bit of an overreaction tbh-presumably he could have slept on if necessary?

If it doesn't go well-make sure there's a big gap before it happens again!

And don't keep up the contact if it doesn't work for you.

I really understand the nervous driver thing, I set off at stupid o'clock all the time to avoid traffic. However I would be quite willing to go for a coffee somewhere until a civilized time. Could you come to a compromise so she isn't hanging around for too long?

oh op you have my sympathies. My IL's live two hours away and they turned up early once after we gave them a specific time, we had just had a baby and the IL's like to be waited on hand and foot and we just were not ready so dh gave them directions to the nearest café

Now had that been my m&d they would have just got the kettle on and shouted up the stairs if their was anything they could do to help, while my dad probably gets the lawn mower out

totally different people and they get totally different responces from us.

The IL's put on pressure so get sent away, my parents sort themselves or help out so are welcome.

I suspect that your mum at this stage is a pressure so you need to stick to your guns.

Sorry, "livid" was a total exaggeration - he was a bit grumpy (I forget that you can't really tell the tone of stuff on MN ).

Well, it was awful. She knew I had to work (from home) on the Sunday, and she just sat around reading. We live in a small flat, so you can imagine how uncomfortable it was. She didn't get up til 10am! So yeah, the nervous driver thing is bollocks. I had to ask her to leave in the end