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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be quite pissed off at h?

52 replies

BasicFish · 10/01/2014 20:19

Can't even stretch to a "d" !
The stairgate at the top of the stairs broke just now. A bit of it has snapped and can't be fixed.Ii told h and he grumbled about putting in a new one as the kids "don't need it" ds1 is four so he's fine, ds2 is 2 and ok ish on stairs, but often wakes in the night and wanders out of the room with his eyes half shut or totally shut and a bit wobbly on his legs. Their room door is right next to the stairs, literally one half step.

H says he can't be bothered to fix it. i said it would be safer to have it as ds2 is still quite small, he called me a stupid helicopter parent and said I was a nightmare to live with as I made them wash their hands before dinner and wanted a Stair Gate at the top of the stairs. He said he went along with it for a quiet life life but hated it. I told him it was quite normal to have a gate when your youngest is 2 but again he called me a moron.

He has made me feel like shit about myself and my parenting, he's made it clear he thinks I'm a nutcase so,

Aibu to want a stair gate with a 2 year old
Who stumbles around at night?
Aibu to be really hurt at his attitude (yet again)?

He's told me he's angry with me because of my attitude and how I say things yet won't tell me what I'm saying wrong. Apparantly I'm an awful person for saying "I think most people still use stair gates at this age." and then because I didn't let it drop when he told me to shut up as I was annoying him. I didn't let it drop because the kids being safe is pretty bloody important to me so I wanted to know that if he wasn't going to help me I'd have to find the time and spanners to do it myself. And pretty bloody furious that a conversion that should be simple has ended in a massive fight with me having my parenting and attitude criticised. Argh!

OP posts:

HoratiaDrelincourt · 10/01/2014 20:21

I still have a stair gate at the top of the stairs for my wandering 2yo obviously. Washing hands before meals is good manners and prudent.

I'm not surprised you're angry. Is he under unusual stress or anything else mitigating, or is he just being a lazy thoughtless twat?

Fairylea · 10/01/2014 20:22

I'd definitely want the stairgate back. I'd hate the smaller dc to fall down then half asleep during the night.

I'd fix it myself :)

CrohnicallySick · 10/01/2014 20:22

YANBU. My niece is 4 but they have a staircase at the top of the stairs for the same reason, if she was to go into her mum's room but slip/take a wrong turn half asleep it could be disastrous.

Joysmum · 10/01/2014 20:23

We never had one at the top of the stairs as that would have driven me mad too. Ours was in DD's doorway and by the time she was nighttime dry we felt she was old enough not to have the gate.

SigningGirl · 10/01/2014 20:24

YANBU.

Even if he does think that you don't need a stair gate, that really wasn't the way to express that opinion. People that weren't horrible would have a chat about it rather than criticise your parenting.

I have no idea if two year olds need stairgates still - going by my 1 year old, YANBU on that front either...

I'd put it up myself, tell him that he is being a twat, and leave him to stew.

Good Luck

Joules68 · 10/01/2014 20:25

Can't you fix or replace it yourself? Why does he have to?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/01/2014 20:26

We don't have a stairgate at the top of our stairs, but I would definitely have one with a wandering sleepy toddler and a bedroom at the top of the stairs.

Why is he being such a dick?

DameFanny · 10/01/2014 20:28

Is he this much of a dick about other things too?

Gileswithachainsaw · 10/01/2014 20:28

He's being a dick!!!

Peacocklady · 10/01/2014 20:28

Sounds like he's being a lazy dick who would rather not have to fix and negotiate a stairgate but is being abusive towards you rather than admit that.

Bloodyteenagers · 10/01/2014 20:29

Fix it yourself. You know it's broke. Why do you have to wait for someone else to sort it out?

LaurieFairyCake · 10/01/2014 20:30

He's a total cock.

Tell him to fuck off. And mean it.

peking · 10/01/2014 20:30

I think it's likely he's not pissed off at the stair gate issue, OP, he sounds stressed out about something else and just using this to pick on you.

Is he quite stressed generally? How do the two of you interact about other issues? It's even possible he's feeling quite sidelined with the children, and is trying to assert himself and his opinions and not wanting to be told what to do.

That's all speculation though. I would bet that the real issue goes deeper.

Original poster

BasicFish · 10/01/2014 20:30

horatia no unusual stress no, but if he is stressed outit gets taken out on me. No, he's just pissed off with me as I'm annoying, I ask things the wrong way, i don't shut up and take it when I'm shouted at. . Etc etc. Apparently

Thank god I'm not alone re gates. They don't have a gate on their door either so I would be worried overnight.

I will move the downstairs one upstairs as we don't use the downstairs one. It's just a hip bashing obstacle but I don't want to talk to him again tonight. Age a fight he will ignore me until the next morning anyway, so rather than going to try and make up (never bloody works anyway) I'll just fix the gate my damn self and go to bed without a word. Not that he'll notice as he's ignoring me, but I'll feel a bit more proactive. Just bloody hurts being spoken to like this.

OP posts:

scallopsrgreat · 10/01/2014 20:32

This isn't about a stair gate is it? That is just the argument today. This is about him denigrating you. Insulting your parenting and calling you a moron is hugely disrespectful (and ableist) and not the words of someone who loves you. You also hint that this is not the first time? Some red flags here including disregarding your children's safety.q

GlitzAndGiggles · 10/01/2014 20:32

So would you still be awful when your 2yo wakes at 2am and falls down the stairs and breaks a bone? You're not a shit parent for putting your children's safety first. Your dh is being a muppet

DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance · 10/01/2014 20:33

YANBU he's being ridiculous and a twat

But I do agree you should do it yourself if you want it done

HoratiaDrelincourt · 10/01/2014 20:34

Oh dear. So it isn't about the gate (agree with JFDI yourself and not engaging in further debate) or the hands, but his unreasonable anger and rudeness.

Original poster

BasicFish · 10/01/2014 20:36

bloodyteenagers et al, no problem with doing it myself, no idea where the spanners are thigh but that's not insurmountable. I wasnt asking him to leap up and do it for me, I was asking if it would work to take off the downstairs one and move it upstairs as the widths are a bit different. No mention of who should do it. Sorry though, probably wasn't clear in op.

Would I lose any moral highground if, like some pps, at the end of the fight I too was shouting "why are you being such a dick?!"

OP posts:

ChippingInWadesIn · 10/01/2014 20:36

Love - firstly, ignore the people who can't read :) Secondly, how much more of his crap are you prepared to take? Really, it's no way to live. The things he says are unfounded and nasty.

I'd tell him to fuck off too - and stay there. I know it's not easy, but short term pain, long term gain! Get your life back.

Original poster

BasicFish · 10/01/2014 20:37

Hmm.. though not thigh! Phone also corrected "moral highground" to " moral Judith" and I couldn't stop laughing. .

OP posts:

scallopsrgreat · 10/01/2014 20:38

I think that was quite restrained BasicFish

ChippingInWadesIn · 10/01/2014 20:38

Fix the stair gate and take a nice, large glass of wine into a lovely hot bath :) Tell him to go fuck himself sleep somewhere else.

ChippingInWadesIn · 10/01/2014 20:39

'I think I'll take the Moral Judith'

phantomnamechanger · 10/01/2014 20:43

why does he think it is ok so be so disrespectful and hurtful to you? I could not be with anyone who thought it was ok to speak to me like that even if they disagreed with my POV.

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