To be quite pissed off at h?

[BasicFish]

Can't even stretch to a "d" !
The stairgate at the top of the stairs broke just now. A bit of it has snapped and can't be fixed.Ii told h and he grumbled about putting in a new one as the kids "don't need it" ds1 is four so he's fine, ds2 is 2 and ok ish on stairs, but often wakes in the night and wanders out of the room with his eyes half shut or totally shut and a bit wobbly on his legs. Their room door is right next to the stairs, literally one half step.

H says he can't be bothered to fix it. i said it would be safer to have it as ds2 is still quite small, he called me a stupid helicopter parent and said I was a nightmare to live with as I made them wash their hands before dinner and wanted a Stair Gate at the top of the stairs. He said he went along with it for a quiet life life but hated it. I told him it was quite normal to have a gate when your youngest is 2 but again he called me a moron.

He has made me feel like shit about myself and my parenting, he's made it clear he thinks I'm a nutcase so,

Aibu to want a stair gate with a 2 year old
Who stumbles around at night?
Aibu to be really hurt at his attitude (yet again)?

He's told me he's angry with me because of my attitude and how I say things yet won't tell me what I'm saying wrong. Apparantly I'm an awful person for saying "I think most people still use stair gates at this age." and then because I didn't let it drop when he told me to shut up as I was annoying him. I didn't let it drop because the kids being safe is pretty bloody important to me so I wanted to know that if he wasn't going to help me I'd have to find the time and spanners to do it myself. And pretty bloody furious that a conversion that should be simple has ended in a massive fight with me having my parenting and attitude criticised. Argh!

peking yeah, it happens a lot. Basically if I try to raise something that he thinks is blaming him (even though like in this case it's not his fault) he'll go off on one about my "tone" and how I should think about the words I use. yet if I ask for any specific examples he won't be able to tell me, which leads me to believe it's all bullshit. The stuff about my parenting hurts. I thought I was a good mum, hurts to know that he thinks that. Of course tomorrow he'll be all "o didn't mean it, I was just pissed off."

But which version of him do I believe?

Complete idiot.
YANBU I have a 4'& 2 year old and we have stair gates at the top & bottom of the stairs.

Chipping

Would I lose any moral highground if, like some pps, at the end of the fight I too was shouting "why are you being such a dick?!"

Nope.

Believe the version of him that thinks it's OK to be a dick to you just because he's pissed off.

That's the only version there is and it's damaged goods.

You should return it.

I still have a stair gate on almost 3 year old DS3's bedroom doorway exactly because he stumbles when he wakes at night.

And he Is a Dick

It sounds like he is very insecure if he is being that sensitive and chippy has he always been like this or have you noticed it when you started a family?

We didn't have one after I tripped over the bottom bar.

phantom is been going on so long it just feels normal.I mean it could well be me, I might have a
bitchy tone I'm not aware of, or a terrible face, or something. . I'm probably doing something wrong that I could be blamed for. Just don't understand how it always gets so out of hand.

if this had only ever happened once and THEN he'd said he didn't mean it, that's one thing - we all get stressed, say things in the heat if the moment once in a while. But I would expect an apology and an assurance, backed up by his action, that he would not speak to me again like that. He does this all the time then thinks he can just say he didn't mean it? Does not sound like he respects you or is trying at all.

He was calmness personified until we had kids.
I thought he was a good one, threw away his receipt and everything so I can't even take him back to the shop

He is an arse. We have a stairgate at top of stairs. DS2 will be 3 in April and the gate will be there for a good while yet.

We've removed the stairgate at the top long before the youngest turned two, because she used it as a device to swing over the stairs with. Teaching a toddler to get down stairs safely is much safer than a stairgate.

It's not ok if he calls you names, but I think he's got a point about the gate.

OP, if he's getting angry like this on a regular basis then I would hazard a guess - remember only guessing - that he's feeling quite disempowered since you've had DC and the reason he's reacting with such strong emotions is actually because he's wanting to feel more like No 1 in the house again.

Again, only a guess.

Perhaps there are strategies you can work on together to show you're a team?

Do you know the joke about the wife confronting her h about his affair and the h says 'i cant reply because of the way you spoke to me'.

Your h is on the wrong, he was lazy to do it but he is trying to turn it around.

How is bad parenting wanting your dcs to be safe?

He sounds horrible OP

Think how wonderfully peaceful you would feel if you didn't have to deal with his bullying put-downs every day.

As a PP said, this is just today's argument...tomorrow you'll have said or done something else 'wrong'.

You're a fab mum. That much shines through from your OP. Head over to Relationships and you'll see you're not alone in having an abusive arse of a partner.

Hope you (in time) find the strength to boot him out - no-one should be called horrible names in their own home.

sounds like a knob, do it yourself. I really would not tolerate being spoken to like this. Moron? Stupid? you don't need him or his DIY skills!

Whenever my DP has this type
Of defensive I can't be bothered to do it attitude I say "ok, no worries. I'll call
A real man!" Winds him right up and he usually does it works a treat!

But seriously, he shouldn't speak to you like that. I wouldn't stand for that if it's not a one off. You do need a gate for upstairs with 2yo. Not necessarily on the stairs but definitely
On their doorway.

Never had a stair gate or a small child fall down the stairs. I do have a small turn and blocked that every night so little people were safe.

I would fix it myself if needed though, rather than stress or argue.

Listen to swirling storm and read up on emotional and verbal abuse. You are definitely not bu and even if you were he is behaving very badly.

Learn to fix the stair gate yourself. That will come in handy when you LTB.

Thanks everyone.
Actually can do and have done stair gates by myself
I just don't know how to cope with the fighting. I don't make it easy on myself as if he starts insulting me I won't back down, I'll try to resolve whatever it is (like what the heck we could do with the stair gate) and want to calm down quickly but he really overreacts, says horrible hurtful things and blames it all on my tone or face or timing.. I know I should just leave him to it but that means he gets to insult me and get away with it. So confused.