To not let my dc's see my dying grandad..?

[Tillyscoutsmum]

My grandad is in the final stages of terminal cancer. He is 86, bed bound and on oxygen. He is, however, still very much "with it".

My dc's are 4 and 6. They're not especially close to their great grandad - they've probably seen him 3 or 4 times a year.

My dd (6), in particular, is very sensitive. When my aunt had cancer a couple of years ago, I had to take her with me to visit her. For months and months after she was obsessed with death and people dying. It's only really been the last few months that she's stopped asking if someone is going to die if they're sick or have a cough It really affected her.

So, that's the background. My issue now is that my grandad keeps asking where my dc's are. I've deliberately kept them away because I know it would upset them (well certainly dd). I went to visit yesterday and he got quite teary and said "I'm probably never going to see them again, am I?" I felt awful

On one hand, I'd know he'd love to see them. On the other, I want to protect them. I'm genuinely torn....

I think you should take them to see him. He really wants to see them as he knows he doesn't have much longer. I wouldn't want that on my conscience. But you can talk your dd before , explain to her about death.
These things will happens and you can only prepare her by letting her experience it and then being there to help her deal with it.

Your daughter may not have actually been traumatised by her aunt's cancer. Talking about it was probably her way of making sense and processing it. If it were me I would take my children because it's the wish of a dying old man and I don't think it will harm your children to visit him although obviously you know your children better than I do.

I agree with coffeetea. He's lucid, he has specifically said he wants to see them, and he is going to die soon. You can prepare them beforehand and make it a short visit, but the fact is that we all do die in the end, and children around that age do often talk about it a lot anyway because they are just beginning to work out how the world works. The peaceful death of an older person who is known to them but not central to their lives is surely a much better early experience of death than many others would be. And doesn't the situation mean that your grandfather's wishes come first on this one occasion?

Yes take them. If you don't you will never get another chance. If you do and your DD is upset you can always address that issue and she will get over it in time.

First let me say I'm so sorry about your grandad.

I would take your children to see him. If he has a Macmillan Nurse they can help you with how to help your children deal with this. If not there is some great advice here

www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Livingwithandaftercancer/Relationshipscommunication/Talkingtochildren/Ifyouarenotgoingtorecover.aspx

If they aren't close then it is probably easier for them. You can explain that grandad is very poorly, needs help breathing and will only manage a very short visit - and then do only a very short visit.

Unless you never speak of it, your DD will realise that he has died and so may start asking again even if you don't visit.

Also 6 is the normal age when kids start discovering what death is and that it is forever and happens to everyone. Many kids get obsessed with it even if they haven't met someone who is dying. Your instinct is to protect her but this is also when she is learning about the world and if she can have a healthy attitude towards death this will be of huge benefit to her.

I'd suggest you consider whether you can take your younger DC alone. Whether you take one or both, make the visit very short explaining he is poorly and doesn't have a lot of energy. When he dies you can answer any questions as they come up but I'd focus on the fact that he was very very old and no-one lives forever and ever and he had had a very happy life.

i think you must take them and be as upbeat about it as possible and try to not concentrate on how ill he is and reassure them all .Hope it all goes well .

I'm really sorry to hear that your grandad is so poorly. This is a really hard one. It is perfectly understandable that your grandfather would like to see the children. But... I think YANBU to keep them away.

Before I lost my Dad last year, he had periods of being in intensive care as well as being very poorly in other hospital wards. I took the decision that my children would not visit at the worst times. I explained to my Dad that I wanted the children to remember how he was and all the great times they had together. My Dad agreed with my decision.

I do not wrap my children up in cotton wool but there are just some things that children may not need to experience at a particular time. As the parent, you know your dc best and I think you should stick to what your gut feeling is telling you.

Alice makes an excellent point that the peaceful death of a very old person that they aren't that close to is a good way for children to experience death the first time. Unfortunately for your DD it's the second but you could use this to help her see that this is what normally happens and although people are sad, he was ready to go as he was very old and that is what happens and everyone has lots of happy memories of him.

I would certainly take them. He's specifically asked for them, and I wouldn't be easy ignoring a harmless wish on his deathbed, when it sounds as if it would be a great comfort to them. You can't protect children from the fact of death, but you can give them a way of talking and thinking about it from an early age that will prevent it becoming a terrifying mystery that no one will talk to you about.

I don't think they are too young, and I agree with Alice that the death of an elderly person who was not very important in their lives will be a far more benign first experience than many. You will be able to prepare them, and to answer questions afterwards, and that's the crucial thing.

I'd take them. I don't think learning about death in a controlled way is a bad thing. If god forbid anything happend to a close relative if theirs they might handle it better if they have some experience.
Plus this is your grandad and it's his dying wish.

I think they should go if you think they can handle it.

My children were with their dad the day before he died of cancer, while the relationship is very different, it didn't scare them like I thought it would.

I think seeing a dying but lucid great grandparent who they aren't that close too won't be a huge issue, but you know your kids best.

Talk to your dd about it. Ask her if she wants to go.
My dh doesn't like seeing people when they are dying , because that is the lasting memory, instead if all the years they knew each other. But that us just my dh.
Ask dd.

I personally would take them. Children are very resilient and I think they would thank you much later on. It's tough though OP isn't it?

It's heartbreakingly sad to see your loved ones in pain and knowing they're on borrowed time but just think of the joy you'll bring your lovely grandfather if you take your DC to visit him!

But only you know how your dc will be so do what you feel best although whatever you choose don't be hard on yourself.

Thanks for all the responses. Food for thought. It's further complicated because my stb exh is adamant I don't take them. To be fair, dd was traumatised by my aunt's death (again, they weren't close). We'd talked to her, got various age appropriate books about death etc but she's still sob wildly of us coughed, because she was convinced we were going to die It did seen like an extreme reaction tbh and I felt guilty for a long time. On the other side, I've got my mother begging me to let him see them and telling me I'm being selfish

Talking to her and asking her is a good idea. She probably won't be aware of his passing if I don't bring it to her attention, because of how infrequently she sees him and how little he features in her life.

Eeek! Need to proof read "would still sob wildly if one of us were to cough..."

Mine are 7,5 and 2 and when their great-grandma was dying last April I took them to go and see her (she asked to see them).
I just explained that she was very poorly and we took a few enlarged pictures of what they had been doing recently, her vision was fairly poor at the end, and we stayed maybe 15-20 minutes.

They weren't hugely upset by it all - and they sort of understood that when people get very old they die. Granny was 92.

I would take them

Btw had a peek a your profile OP - have to say love your dc names!

I Would take them to see him, I think you will regret not doing it. When my mum was dying it was so important that she got to say goodbye to everyone, it was hard for everyone and hard to watch but just had to be done. My kids who were young (close in age to yours) were fine, they took it in their stride TBH.

I can't believe the timing of this thread! I am currently hiding out in the bath so my children can't see me crying. My Nana is terminally ill and the Macmillan nurse has confirmed today that she is likely to have only a week or so left so I am taking my 7 year

....to see her for the last time tomorrow. They are very close but DS doesn't know she is dying, just that she is very poorly. I really feel for you but I do think you should take them.

Take them. DD6 may now have a better understanding of death, but obviously if she becomes unreasonably distressed on the day think again.

In my experience, younger children handle the dying better than older ones. When DD was 4, DF's reduction to yellow skin and bones fazed her not at all. Trotted in, kissed him unprompted, chattered and made him laugh. At 12, DM's dying was harder for her to deal with, but she did as a conscious act of kindness. In floods before and after, but she never regretted it.

See how it goes.

If you don't take them, I think you will look back & regret not granting your GF his dying wish. You can't keep DC away from death - your DD might just as easily be upset by someone dying on TV or seeing some roadkill. Her questions after your aunt died sound perfectly natural and not a sign of trauma at all.

So sorry Tattiepants

It's really shit isn't it? Actually I am more worried whether I can hold it together. I know DS will be ok tomorrow (although he will be devastated when we do tell him) so I don't want to upset him. Also, although my nana knows she is terminally ill she doesn't know it is imminent, me sobbing isn't going to help anyone.