To not let my dc's see my dying grandad..?

[Tillyscoutsmum]

My grandad is in the final stages of terminal cancer. He is 86, bed bound and on oxygen. He is, however, still very much "with it".

My dc's are 4 and 6. They're not especially close to their great grandad - they've probably seen him 3 or 4 times a year.

My dd (6), in particular, is very sensitive. When my aunt had cancer a couple of years ago, I had to take her with me to visit her. For months and months after she was obsessed with death and people dying. It's only really been the last few months that she's stopped asking if someone is going to die if they're sick or have a cough It really affected her.

So, that's the background. My issue now is that my grandad keeps asking where my dc's are. I've deliberately kept them away because I know it would upset them (well certainly dd). I went to visit yesterday and he got quite teary and said "I'm probably never going to see them again, am I?" I felt awful

On one hand, I'd know he'd love to see them. On the other, I want to protect them. I'm genuinely torn....

Sorry to hijack thread!

No need to apologise It is shit Hope you manage to get through it

Sorry to hear about your nan Tattiepants, we are five years on but it is awful, like a roller coaster ride you can't get off. You'll get through it though, you'll find the strength as you will want to make it as easy as possible for her and that will really help you. Getting the chance to say goodbye is so important. Wishing your family well.

I'm so sorry your Grandad is so ill. I completely sympathise with how you feel about your children. I agree that 4 and 6 are too young to have to face seeing someone in the final stages of cancer unless it is someone very close to them and can understand why you want to protect them from that - particularly if your DD has already had to go through a difficult time. Could you talk to them about how ill their great Grandad is and help them make a card or picture for him? It might get them starting to understand that he may die and could provide some comfort for him and show him that they are thinking of him. To be perfectly honest I think your children should be your main concern and you should not take them if you don't think they can cope with it. That is not being selfish - it is being a good parent.

I hope your Grandad has plenty of other people around him who can provide comfort even if he is not able to see your children again. Good luck whatever you decide.

Tilly what's with all the to tattie? Very strange

I would take them. You can't 'protect' them from illness or death. It comes to us all.

Far better to have exposure at a young age in an environment that you can control. You can talk about death and sadness together. You can make your granddad happy.

I have just been told my mum is going to die in about six months - cancer that has spread to her liver and lungs.

Death is part of life. I actually think we do more harm than good by trying to shield children from it.

My daughter is now 8 and will be involved in the rest of my mother's life and her death.

She went to her paternal grandfather's funeral when she was 4 and that was a massive mistake but only because I didn't go and my arse of an ex left her with her aunt while he went off to the wake at the pub and she got upset at being left.

I think you should take them too.

Your daughter did have a strong reaction but as others have said, it is -way- better to learn how to handle death earlier rather than later. It might also make his passing easier, to say his goodbyes now.

He may be on oxygen but he's reached the end of his life hopefully peacefully. Would it help to explain that it is his time? (that's how we are describing the death of a close female relative of mine a couple years ago, that they had lived a good and full life and now it was time for them to go. I don't know if that is the right way but we hope to make death seem more natural).

When my children were very young their grandfather (my FIL) was terminally ill with motor neurone disease. When he died my eldest was 7, middle one was almost 4 and youngest only 5 months. They all saw him regularly right up until a couple of weeks or so before he died. Only the older two have any memory of him, as the youngest was too young at that point. They were not traumatised by it. Sad yes, but they were OK.

That was 11 years ago. We are now in the position where MIL, his wife, is terminally ill with cancer. The girls are aged 18, 15 and 11 now, so definitely old enough to deal with it even though I still prepared them in advance for some of the changes in her they were likely to see in her. I was worried that as they have little experience of this sort of thing they could still be shocked and react as such.

I would take them, though only you know your own children. Your grandad is obviously keen to see them. Do a little age-appropriate preparation beforehand and keep the visit fairly short, then perhaps take the children to do something they like afterwards. If they want to talk about what they have seen then you will be able to do it at that point.

Spero sorry about your mum

jimmy I thikn the OP is using the wrong emoticon by mistake.

OP, I think I would take them. You don't actually need to tell them that he is dying, just that he is very poorly.

I'm another one who thinks you should take both children, OP, but without any mention that your grandfather is dying or that his time is limited. Just say that he is ill and that you are going to see him to cheer him up. Prepare them before you go for the oxygen mask and just say it helps him to talk to people. The fact that he is so "with-it" will help normalise things.

If there is a reasonable gap between the children going to see your grandfather's and his eventual death, your daughter won't associate it directly with the visit.

I would let your grandfather see his great-grandchildren at least one more time - there is something sacred about a request from a dying man.

My DC's (5&7) were around my Fil and Du last year when they were in the hospice, they were actually excellent at giving cuddles and hugs and even now are really proud that they made their uncle and Grandads last few days happy (they really did)

My advice would be don't make a huge deal about it and be as matter of fact as possible.

This is very sad indeed. However, I don't think I'd take them. But it is very much a personal decision for you.

Agreed, you don't have to tell them he is dying or close to death, just that he isn't well.

I think part of the problem is that we are so insulated from death nowadays.In the old days where people died and were laid out at home,death was a lot more visible and less macabre and sinister to children.

Sorry to hear about your Granddad

I had a similar when my grandmother was dying, my girls were 7 and 4.

They were both absolutely fine.

The staff in her nursing home were on hand to act as another pair of hands in case anyone got upset or distressed but they coped really well.

They saw my Gran for about 20 minutes , then they were taken by a really lovely member of staff and did some colouring in and stuff while we stayed with my gran for a little bit longer.

She died the next day and I am really, really glad I took them. No lasting effects, other than lots and lots of questions which we answered really honestly

Cruse were helpful as well.
www.cruse.org.uk/Children/loss-from-childs-perspective

Eeeeek! Sorry. Yes wrong emoticon. Haven't posted much before on my phone I think/hope Tattiepants realised they were meant to be sad/sympathetic faces

I did

coco44 I disagree . Children were shielded from it years ago - and from a huge amount of life's miseries. We tend to tell our kids too much I am starting to think.
We have suffered the loss of two grandfathers and three of my close friends in the past two years . Added to this my super fit husband of forty had a stroke(still alive folks!) . My Ds of eleven no longer trusts the world around him. Children don't all just accept it as part of living, some things you can learn too young.

I would take them, definitely.

It is difficult but previous posters have linked to some excellent resources. It will be a very special, valuable experience for you all, even if it is very, very emotional.

walton I think part of the problem is that each child reacts differently. Very hard to know what's right for each child.

The woman who brought me up died when I was 10. I wasn't told until 2 days before.

it was like walking off the side of a well and falling into the deep and endless darkness. I will never get over it and this is 35 years ago.

I wish bitterly that I'd been prepared and, admittedly, that someone had been there to help me through it afterwards. Think what I'm meaning is that my faith in the world was broken into little pieces then.

Mind you, the loss of a mother is a very close matter, rather than the loss of a great grandparent. Just as your poor son has had too many losses coming too soon after each other :/ Too much, too quick and too close.

This situation is not quite as immediate, though the OPs daughter does seem to have reacted strongly to death before, which might give pause for thought. Perhaps the OP could take her 4 year old but not the six year old? . Also her great grandfather has expressed a strong wish to see them, which has to count for something even if it's only one of the things to weigh up.

There is a distinction between helping children understand and forcing them to confront or participate in a situation that will distress them.

Of course parents have always tried to protect children from horrible things, but I don't agree that children of previous generations were 'shielded' to quite such an unhelpful degree as they are now.

there seems to be a huge reluctance to even acknowledge death in some quarters - I went through this with my own cancer diagnosis last year, some people obviously just couldn't bear to think of the prospect of anyone's death.

I just don't think this is healthy. Like anything in life, the older you are when you first have to face the concept of something, the harder I think you will find it.

there are some disgusting things that humans chose to do to other humans and I hope to shield my daughter from those for as long as possible or at least make sure she only knows a sanitised version... but death shouldn't be seen as disgusting or terrifying.

It just is. It will come to us all. and far better to learn about it at the bedside of your great grandfather who has lived to a fine old age and is dying surrounded by people who love him.

obviously, you have to do what you think is right for you and your family.

But you have asked for opinions and this is mine, and I feel strongly about it after my experiences.

It needs to be talked about, but not necessarily seen. Visuals can be hard to rationalise. They leap about with no consideration.
Spero ,agreed adults don't like facing it . My dearly missed friend and I laughed so much through her cancer ,others looked on in horror- but that's a whole new discussion...she would have loved to throw her thoughts in!

But the op isn't proposing to take them to his bedside to watch him die is she? I thought he wanted to see them before he died, he is still 'himself' so no ranting and raving which could be scarey for a small child, I absolutely accept.

I would take them personally. Perhaps you could call the helpline at Winstons Wish to talk it through, they are very good.