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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hubby got job without telling me

61 replies

marthadm · 10/01/2014 16:41

My husband is currently out of work and planning a new business. However to keep himself busy he has just taken a job between 5pm and 7pm, 30 minutes away WITHOUT telling me. I have just mentionned that it would have been respectful to have maybe talked to me beforehand, especially as I have never said no. He then blew up and said I was keeping him on a short leash! I told him that as it was 'family' time i.e. kids are home, he could have at least told me. I work too (admittedly from home and not full time) but I have always taken a back seat while he worked and looked after the kids, the house etc. Now that he is at home full time, am I unreasonable to expect that he pulls his weight? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CaptainSweatPants · 10/01/2014 16:42

My husband doesn't come home until 7.30pm
Not many working parents are around btw 5pm & 7pm I don't think
That's commuting time

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/01/2014 16:43

Has to be a wind up surely. Most adults would be pleased the other adult had found work to ensure an income in the household. Two hours a day is a tiny amount of work and i am sure that family time counts for the other 22 hours Hmm

Sirzy · 10/01/2014 16:44

so we are talking 3 hours away from the house? so still plenty of time for him to pull his weight.

yes he should have probably mentioned it first but not worth getting too worked up about imo

Ragwort · 10/01/2014 16:46

Your husband is out of work and has taken a few hours paid work .......... and you are complaining, too right you keep him on a short leash. Hmm.

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 10/01/2014 16:46

Well surely he can 'pull his weight' in the day for house stuff and whenever he isn't working evenings with the kids? (I assume he won't be working 7 nights a week).

I think you are being unreasonable actually.. he's got a few hours working when he is unemployed..you don't have to find childcare because you are already at home, and he has to ask?

It sounds as though you are just cross because it's tea and bed time for the kids, rather than because he didn't talk it through first!

Mitchell2 · 10/01/2014 16:47

YANBU - Its not unreasonable to expect that your husband would discuss with you the fact that a) he was looking at jobs that did those houses and b) he got offered a job doing those hours.

YABU if you had of told him he couldn't do it n but from your OP it just sounds like you wanted to be involved in the decision which IMHO isn't being unreasonable at all.

I don't understand the 'pulling weight' comment though - as it doesn't really make sense considering it looks like he will just be out of the house 3 hours a day for work? I know that he will be looking for longer work during the day but surely that doesn't preclude you both working together to make it work for you all?

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 10/01/2014 16:47

If he didn't tell you then how do you know?

I think YABtotallyU.

I have just mentionned that it would have been respectful to have maybe talked to me beforehand, especially as I have never said no

Are you his wife or his keeper?

I can't even work out what you are asking tbh, Is it whether he should work, whether he should of told you about it or wether he should do more at home Confused

Mitchell2 · 10/01/2014 16:47

those hours

magnumicelolly · 10/01/2014 16:48

I don't agree with happymummy that there are 22 other hours of family time. If he leaves at 4.30, works 5-7 then is back at 7.30 he won't see much of the kids if they are at school till half 3 then presumably in bed after 7.30. So I can see why you're annoyed, he should have told you before taking it so you could talk about it. On the other hand, if you need the income, then it's better than nothing. Perhaps he's just doing it until something more convenient comes along?

NewtRipley · 10/01/2014 16:49

I don't quite understand this sentence: ".. I have always taken a back seat while he worked and looked after the kids, the house etc"

Do you mean that when he was working, you looked after the house and kids?

SilverApples · 10/01/2014 16:50

Maybe he didn't want to tell you in case he failed to get the job?
Perhaps as an adult, he was thinking of ways to help the family finances?
If he didn't tell you, you need to ask yourself why.

scaevola · 10/01/2014 16:51

YANBU to expect your DH to discuss big decisions that have a direct impact on you before he makes them. Good communication is vital.

Because he thinks he is entitled to make decisions without involving you, it is of course going to be infinitely harder to make this work. It could be a very sensible plan for him to work like this to buttress the family until he can start the new business. And losing the family time for a while is something you can easily deal with if you support the whole concept. But if he doesn't discuss the concept with you, how are you meant to support it?

Does he see you as a partner or a chattel?

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/01/2014 16:57

There's men and women up and down the country working shifts in hospitality and the care industry for a lot longer than two hours a week because they have no choice.
You should be happy he's found something even if it only brings in a small amount of money.
What does he do all day if you do it all?

NewtRipley · 10/01/2014 16:58

Aah. I think I get it.

I think TheProsandCons is right - when he worked, you did everything with/for the kids and housework. Now he is not working, you'll be going back to that again, because he'll be absent when the DCs are around.

Is that correct?

If so, YANBU to expect him to discuss it with you.

HerRoyalNotness · 10/01/2014 16:59

I think what you meant to say to him was, oh well done, that's great news!

NewtRipley · 10/01/2014 17:01

Not if he has not been pulling his weight at home and now he can't pull his weight because he has ensured he's not going to be around for the few hours in the day when the DCs are at home and awake.

SilverApples · 10/01/2014 17:04

'Does he see you as a partner or a chattel?'

Or a ball and chain?

QuintessentialShadows · 10/01/2014 17:05

Jaysus, this English housewife obsession with "family time" never fails to amaze me.

You only work part time, and from the home. Why cant he pull his weight out of the home? Do you need help all the time?

Chippednailvarnish · 10/01/2014 17:06

He went out and got a job?!? LTB

RhondaJean · 10/01/2014 17:06

Do you have any idea what percentage of parents have to work during your so called "family time"?

If he isn't working during the day and doesn't leave til 4.30 he will be spending plenty of time with the kids before and after school and school holidays.

Here you are,my very first ever MN grip []=[]

NewtRipley · 10/01/2014 17:09

Is it just the DCs, though, or is the OP also complaining about him not doing any housework either?

OP come back!

BettyBotter · 10/01/2014 17:10

It's strange that he didn't want to chat about this with you but just appreciate it.

Floggingmolly · 10/01/2014 17:11

especially as I have never said no. Why would you imagine it's up to you to "say no"?

Poloholo · 10/01/2014 17:20

YANBU

There are two seperate issues which people are mixing up

  1. Whether him taking this work is a good idea in all the circumstances
  1. who gets to make the decision on 1.

Answer to 1 being yes doesn't mean that husband has unilateral decision making power on the topic - as a matter of respect and partnership the OP should have an opportunity to discuss the pros and cons before he accepted.

SilverApples · 10/01/2014 17:26

Swap round like we did.
Have a SAHH who deals with the children and the housework and stuff, and you get a FT job outside the home?
Might make a refreshing change for both of you.