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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby got job without telling me

61 replies

marthadm · 10/01/2014 16:41

My husband is currently out of work and planning a new business. However to keep himself busy he has just taken a job between 5pm and 7pm, 30 minutes away WITHOUT telling me. I have just mentionned that it would have been respectful to have maybe talked to me beforehand, especially as I have never said no. He then blew up and said I was keeping him on a short leash! I told him that as it was 'family' time i.e. kids are home, he could have at least told me. I work too (admittedly from home and not full time) but I have always taken a back seat while he worked and looked after the kids, the house etc. Now that he is at home full time, am I unreasonable to expect that he pulls his weight? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
scaevola · 10/01/2014 17:28

If she took that advice SilverApples should she at least mention it to her DH before committing to an actual job offer?

Or just present him with a fair accompli as he has done to her?

firesidechat · 10/01/2014 17:30

He probably should have talked to you first so YANBU about that.

YABU about family time though, but only because my husband didn't get home from work until gone 8pm when our children were...well children. Sometimes later. We had "family time" at weekends. Can you?

SilverApples · 10/01/2014 17:31

Well, as a couple we tend to talk about stuff, but that isn't the MN way, so probably not.
She should just come home and announce it.
Then update us on what happens next.

heatseeker · 10/01/2014 17:31

It's not an ideal time to go to work if you can help it - well aware that other people have to work at this time of day. How many evenings is it a week? Just wondering why he couldn't work a few days a week part time and leave the other remaining days to concentrate on his new business? - what kind of business is it?

I am looking for part time work and am struggling to find something with hours to suit and always consider how it would affect my family regarding evening/weekend work what is wrong with that?

This will affect you so yes he should have had a chat with you first, not as his 'keeper' but out of the mutual respect you should have for your partner. YANBU.

LouiseAderyn · 10/01/2014 17:34

If OP is working from home during the school day, then doing all the post school child care, it does beg the question of what the dh is doing all day to pull his weight - he has no kids to look after all day and no job to go to, then when the dc come home, he will be doing nothing to look after them.

If he is doing all the housework/shopping/prepping dinner during the day then fair enough. But as a rule neither partner should assume the the other will take sole charge of the kids without prior consultation!

IShallCallYouSquishy · 10/01/2014 17:35

I count it a good day if DH is home before 7!

Yes it would have been nice for him to discuss the fact with you but surely it's better that he's out working and bringing in some income?

SilverApples · 10/01/2014 17:37

Why do you think he didn't discuss it?
Lack of thought, planned indifference to your opinion, or does he feel micro-managed in other areas of his life and can't tell the difference between what needs to be an issue for discussion and what isn't.
Why does he feel on a short leash? is it something he's said before?

redskyatnight · 10/01/2014 17:39

Is DH claiming JSA? Because if he is then he doesn't get any choice over refusing a job (or applying for it if they suggest it), so there is nothing to discuss.

Original poster
marthadm · 10/01/2014 17:44

Just to clarify:

We live in France where unemployment money is 90% his last salary for 2 years so no we don't need the money and the job he has got has nothing to do with what he wants to do long term. Anyway it is not the fact that he has got a job that upsets me, its the fact he tells me when he has taken it.

I run my own business but have kept the hours down (i.e. turning work down/not actively growing the business) because he had a full time job (never home before 8pm and lots of travelling) and I wanted to be there for the children. I have juggled work, home and kids and always put his work first. Now that he is not working, I was hoping that things would even out a little.

Anyway I appreciate the feedback.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 10/01/2014 17:49

He should have discussed it with you, YANBU about that. There are endless posts on here from couples who don't seem to communicate with each other.

YAB a bit unreasonable about family time. I do shift work and get home at 9.30pm, DH does the bath and bed time when I'm at work. We both work weekends, family time is a rarity.

Original poster
marthadm · 10/01/2014 17:50

SilverApples He doesn't see why I am upset at all. And just gets cross. Ultimately he just assumes that I will always be there to deal with the kids. I feel as though I am being taken for granted.

OP posts:
bzoo · 10/01/2014 17:52

My DP leaves the house at 6.30. He is home anytime between 6.30pm and 10.30pm. I wish he was home more but that's life.

We live for weekend and the hope my on call phone doesn't spoil the little time we do get together.

DriftingNameChanger · 10/01/2014 17:54

OP, I think your second post gives a bit more information. After reading your first post I was in the YABU camp, after reading your second post about how you have delayed growing your business then I have changed my mind. YANBU.

SilverApples · 10/01/2014 17:54

So you need to talk, if he sees his primary role as providing for your family in a material sense.
If you want that to change, so you are shouldering more of the finance and he's taking on more family and household duties then you both need to be clear about expectations and what it looks like in practical terms.

Poloholo · 10/01/2014 17:56

Before Christmas I had to have a conversation with a colleague on a very similar vein. They unilaterally took an important decision with implications for an area we both have responsibility for and couldn't understand why I was fuming that they told me it was happening rather than deciding it with me when we were jointly accountable.

For me it showed a massive lack of respect for me although that wasn't what they meant to intend. So it might be a personality type issue. But it might also be a me man, you little woman issue where he considers himself free to do what he thinks best and you should work around him.

Preciousbane · 10/01/2014 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverApples · 10/01/2014 18:00

'But it might also be a me man, you little woman issue where he considers himself free to do what he thinks best and you should work around him.'

Yes, it's a possibility. Which can also translate to 'me man, must provide for family. Failure if not. Not man if not able to provide'

NewtRipley · 10/01/2014 18:01

I agree with SilverApples

Original poster
marthadm · 10/01/2014 18:03

Thanks everyone. I know I am in a very fortunate position with my work and having a husband around at the moment to help (even if the future is a little uncertain). As many of you say, communication is key. Unfortunately I am not a great communicator, when I do say something, DH has a tendency to get cross which doesn't help. 2014 NYR to try harder ;-)

OP posts:
SilverApples · 10/01/2014 18:03

My father is very much like that, he never understood how my OH would 'let' me go to work and him stay at home and change nappies and do laundry.
Any time he tried to think about it, his macho brain froze.

silvermantella · 10/01/2014 18:04

I think YANBU. Mainly because those hours are ridiculous. For two hours work he will have to travel one hour, everyday. I assume unless this new job is paying megabucks the cost of travel alone will be almost as high as the amount he is actually earning. For this reason (and because he is getting v. high unemployment pay) this isn't really a job that will financially support his family, it is basically a hobby, as you say 'to keep him busy.'

I wonder how many of the posters who said you were BU would think the same if you asked if it was okay for your DH to go to football practice for three hours everyday, at the only time the whole family can be together. The comments saying 'you can have family time the other 22 hrs' and pointing out that many people commute those hours anyway are being pedantic. Yes lots of people HAVE to work those hours, but he doesn't, he is CHOOSING to! It is a completely different situation.

Original poster
marthadm · 10/01/2014 18:06

Preciousbane - French system kinda crazy/generous. Probably not worse off as no commuting to work any more! Is possibly why France taking longer to get out of recession, but that is a whole other debate.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 10/01/2014 18:07

Hmm

You talk - he gets cross and accuses you of having him on a leash.

Do you think it would be different if you worked outside the home?

silvermantella

yes, I was thinking along those lines. Some might because the money seems to override everything else in some people's minds

Original poster
marthadm · 10/01/2014 18:09

That is exactly right silvermantella. And yes SilverApples my DH comes from a family who thinks it is a bit crazy his wife works.

OP posts:
GlitzAndGiggles · 10/01/2014 18:14

especially as I never said no

No to what?

He's a grown man who has found a job but you don't approve because he won't be around for a few hours? I work pt and don't see my dd on 2 mornings way into the afternoon because of my hours. Ugh seriously grow up