To not give a bottle at night (when breastfeeding)

[Dontfencemein]

My DS is 4 months old and is EBF. BF has not always been a walk in the park but DS has thrived and I want to continue to EBF.

For the past month or so, DS has been waking frequently, perhaps 4 times per night, max 5. I feed him, put him back to sleep and can recall about two occasions when he has not settled back to sleep fairly quickly. I took the view that this would pass, having read about sleep regression and spoken to other mothers in same boat, both BF and not. I am on maternity leave and have no other children, so can live with broken nights. I have told DH on numerous occasions that he may want to sleep in spare room until things settle. He won't. DH doesn't ever get up at night but I appreciate that he may be disturbed and be tired at work.

DH's parents are very close to him and are heavily involved in our lives. DH and his family are actively trying to get me to give DS a bottle at night to get him to sleep. It would appear that there have been a great many conversations about this between them. To try to keep the peace, I went to GP who was supportive of continued EBF. When I fed this back, in factual text to MIL, I received a further plea to give bottle with the subtext that I am being selfish, am not coping myself (because I cried one day), have serious problems with DH's sleep and don't know what I am doing.

I am very upset and feel utterly ganged up on. DH says I am arrogant and won't accept advice (from him and his mother). My own mother is dead and my family is abroad.

I don't bloody want to give a bottle (and who is to say it would impact on DS's sleep in any event). I can't explain this, it is just the way I feel. There is no medical reason to give a bottle. I was really enjoying being a parent and it has all gone arse over tit now and I feel totally undermined. AIBU?

Also WELL DONE you are doing amazing. Keep going and when you feel down and isolated look at this thread and remember all the people who are supporting you.

Your wishes are not being respected, I'm not surprised you feel undermined. I feel quite angry on your behalf.
Time to talk to your DH about the limits of his parents' heavy involvement in your lives, and set a few boundaries. Time for him, too, to show some unambiguous loyalty to you, and trust in your ability to make the right decision for your child.

Decisions about your DS's feeding (and, in future, his weaning, sleeping, discipline, medical care, education ...) need to be very clearly for you and DH to make. Making this clear NOW would be a wise move. It's fine for his parents to give support and share their thoughts and experiences, but not fine for them to continue pushing their unwanted 'advice' when you've made your decision. Especially on this issue which, IMO, is one where your wishes .

YANBU

As a means of surviving I would absolutely not bring the conversation up. I wouldn't mention the iL's to your DH either. I wouldn't call them, text and would leave the phone go on to answering machine if they call an dleave DH to talk to them.

If your DH mentions anything just say you are following your Dr's advice and change the subject or leave the room to have a bath or something. Make sure your conversation is filled with lots of other things, not feeing or sleep related.

Always have things you want to plans to do with Dh and your baby at the weekend or with a group of other friends from a parent's group or similar. If you have any friends that breastfeed or are supportive of breastfeeding see if you can invite them round and socialize with them.

Always be polite to PiL's but don't engage their company and be busy lots. This way give you time for the air to clear and your DH might develop some more rounded views away from people who support his sleep over your baby's and your health.

... are paramount! (Sorry, posted too soon in vicarious indignation).

Yanbu. It's your baby. I loved bf and would have been fuming at someone trying to push their bottle feeding opinions on me.

I hate it when this happens to mothers, it's so unhelpful when ILs overstep and get too involved. Me too, my DM also died before my DS was born and my family is abroad too, thankfully my MIL is lovely. Fine give your advice once and step back, but influencing your DH to her views as well to gang up on you is awful. He needs to support and trust in you. You are doing a great job and EBF is the best thing you could ever do for your baby. As someone said above, new discoveries all the time and science has moved on since your DH was a baby, what was right then isn't necessarily right now. So they both know better than your GP and scientists do they? Your DH can sleep in another room like you said, so I'd push him to do that so he can't complain about that.

They go through phases and I promise it doesn't last, the 4 month sleep regression went for quite awhile with my ds though. Growth spurts too where they are just hungrier. Suddenly one night you'll wake in a panic and realise they haven't woken up, and then it happens more and more often until one day you wake at 7am and rush to check they are still breathing!

I would read up so you can feel confident in your facts, maybe direct your DH to read the same information and explain to him that this parenting thing works better when you are working as a team. I highly recommend kellymom.com:

kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/criticism/

kellymom.com/parenting/parenting-faq/fussy-evening/

kellymom.com/bf/normal/growth-spurts/

Stick to your guns. You sound like you are doing amazingly. I have fantastic support and still find it overwhelming and cry frequently.

Ds had a classic sleep regression and woke up sometimes hourly for about 4 weeks. He's now 5 months and has been sleeping brilliantly (touch wood) over the last few weeks and I have never introduced bottle.

Who's to say it would even work and you'd have to get up etc whereas Breastfeeding you just roll over!

YANBU and I'm sorry you are being pressured.

My DS is also 4 months and has also started waking in the night after sleeping through at 8 weeks. I'm under (light) pressure to start him on solids from DM and MIL. It's their favourite topic of conversation at the moment.
Like you, I know what I'm doing is best for my baby and will not cave to pressure. Luckily my DH is supportive. I would just say that you won't be giving baby formula unless recommended by a health professional as he doesn't actually need it. You don't want to fall out about it and would like to leave it be. Hopefully people will listen.
The other option could be to smile and nod saying "hmmm ... maybe ... perhaps" when MIL starts then zone out.
I suppose with regards to DH you ask him to either support you in doing what's best for baby or sleep in spare room once or twice a week to catch up on his sleep.

Keep up your hard work. EBF is very demanding and you should be proud of yourself

YANBU. Dd is the same age and has started waking in the night for more feeds than previously. It's what babies do. I don't understand why people expect tiny babies to sleep all night. Some do, some don't. I think your DH needs to manage his expectations a bit.

Fwiw, I wanted dd to be used to taking a bottle so from 6 weeks on I gave her 1 expressed bottle a week. It never made a difference to her sleep. When I went on my work Christmas do she had expressed bottles all night and still slept the same as usual.

I've cried over feeding at times, but overall I love it, and that night DH did all the feeds having to get up and boil the kettle etc ended up with all 3 of us awake for over an hour at the 5am feed and made me realise how much easier bf is in the long run.

It's not often that you get a unanimous YANBU here! Your MIL is totally overstepping the mark with her 'advice'. You need a phrase to bring out every time she come out with it. Something like "I don't agree and as I don't want to fall out with you we'd better change the subject". Tell your DH he is being arrogant for thinking he knows better than the GP and selfish for putting his need for more sleep above the wellbeing of his son. If he needs more sleep he can go to the spare room. And give your DS a big cuddle - his is the only opinion that matters. He's thriving and I bet he loves snuggling up to you when he wakes in the night! Hope you can get back to just enjoying him soon.

I switched from breastmilk delivered by bottle to formula feeding at around 5 months (DD never latched so I was an exclusive pumper) and it made not a jot of difference to her sleeping. That wasn't why I switched but I was hoping it might be a silver lining. It wasn't. Anecdotal again but there we go.

I had both my MIL and mother make these kind of statements and they wanted very early weaning. They could never be swayed by facts - though it helped me to trot them out.

MIL called me selfish for not letting DH feed his baby - that hurt.

I pumped for hours, that I didn't have, so DH could give the occasional bottle. The second DC would never take a bottle but first would take the occasional one. Took DH till second DC to let me know he hated it feeding finding it stressful and would much rather I just got on with bf.

I can't see getting and having to make a bottle up with a hungry DC is going to lead to better sleep for anyone.

My MIL insisted that DH - premature by 8 weeks - was sleeping though from Day 1 so it was odd mine didn't. She had a rough delivery so nurse fed DH in hospital for many weeks then FIL got up at night for months to feed him - she'd forgotten all that though FIL did remind her several times in my presence.

I would point out you've taken GP advice and suggest that his parents memories on baby sleep may well be rose tinted and their advice while well meant slight outdated. The try and ignore - though that is very hard.

Thank you for your comments. Please pray (or do whatever it is you do when the proverbial hits the fan) for us. This is about a far wider issue of power and control and the bloody bottle is just a convenient thing to hang it on. By the way, I have nothing against formula feeding. It is a personal choice .

YANBU. I bf my 10 month old ds. He still wakes a number of times in the night for feeds. I'm fine with it. It's other people who seem to have the problem and I really don't know why. Unless he's teething or ill the wake ups are very quick. I've had pressure from day 1 to bottle feed ds from MIL. It's been awful. Stick with what you want to do

I doubt giving DS a bottle will make any difference at all. I mix fed both mine, the eldest had a bottle at night and the other one was BF at night. The reason I chose to BF the second (and to co-sleep) is that bottle feeding the eldest at night was exhausting as I had to get up, warm the bottle, feed her, wind her put her back. With the second I just let her feed and the hormones would send me back to sleep. DP did sleep on the sofa for a while but I didn't give up BF at night until 10 months.

some babies just wake at night and others don't, imo.

YANBU at all.

You need to have serious words with your husband. He is pressurising you and his mother is sticking her ignorant nose where it bloody doesn't belong. It is a myth that bf babies are bad sleepers. They both need to back the fuck off and let you get on with doing the best for your baby, which is ebf.

Sounds like your dh has got some apron strings to cut. It will probably take a few blazing rows and some time but he will (have to) get his head around the fact that you and him are the parents and that him ganging up on you with his mother is completely counter productive.

It sounds like you are doing really well wrt bf. Mine still wakes up 2-3 times a night (well stirs a bit) at nearly 12 months old. A quick bf and dc goes back to sleep. It is not an issue, especially as we are co sleeping and I dint have to get out of bed and lift the baby in and out of the cot. Wish I had co-slept with dc1.

Good luck x

If there is a bf cafe near you, go there and take mil and/or DH with you. If you speak to the bf counsellor beforehand they will completely back you up in what you do. Sometimes it helps when skeptical relatives to hear bf advice from professionals. Good luck!!!

This is about a far wider issue of power and control and the bloody bottle is just a convenient thing to hang it on. Which is a good reason to make something your line in the sand. If you feel strongly about this, this can be it. Is it abusive or just annoying? If abusive, the support you need might be different to BFing cafes and HV.

Oh and fwiw, dc 2 slept through the night (from 11-:6:00 ish) the first seven months despite being ebf.

good for you for sticking to your guns. I would just tell them 'no, it's not going to happen'.

another vote of support - YA -totally-NBU, they are!

as for the fact you cried on one occasion - show me a new mum that hasn't? keep doing what you're doing, baby will change the pattern just when you least expect it anyway, bottle or no bottle.

sounds like your bloke has it easy - when my ds was tiny dh changed every nighttime nappy, did the winding etc etc and actually insisted on it.

more power to you!

Good luck Op, you're obviously in the right.

I found Dh and I had terrible arguments in the first 6 months of dc1 being born. He wasn't supportive enough in lots of different ways and I wasn't in a position to be as forgiving as I normally would. I was exhausted and felt like most new mums, judged and vulnerable.

Things will get better. Give him the scientific facts and stick to your guns. You'll come out on top.

YANBU-in fact you might like to point out to DH that other partners will get up and help settle babies back to sleep even when they are EBF, so you are being extremely nice by asking nothing of him during the night.

You are doing a wonderful job and I rather think your DH is deserving of the 'arrogant' title...he might like to grow up and stop encouraging his own mother to baby him now he has a baby of his own.