To think DM is a nasty selfish horrible cow

[Edenviolet]

Dsis was expecting a parcel today but had to go to an appointment, as the dcs go to school nearby to dsis and DMs house she asked would I wait in for it which was fine as I had nothing else to do and dsis had done me a favour recently so it was only fair to repay it.

DM goes to work so I was there with dd and ds. I was starving so made a cup of tea and noticed the Xmas cake in the kitchen under a tea towel. I cut a tiny bit literally 2x3 inches so only a little bit to have with my tea. I know dsis detests fruit cake but DM likes it. There was a big chunk left.

DM got back at lunchtime and went MENTAL. How dare I touch her cake, how dare I eat anything, that she had hidden it. I did point out that it had a tea towel half over it not a cloak of invisibility so it wasn't that well hidden which made her really mad.
Then I asked her why it was so dreadful that I, her daughter had eaten a tiny bit of her Xmas cake? She told me I had no right to it that it was her treat and that I was selfish????

She then opened the cupboard and got out a tin of roses, quality street, sweets and biscuits all obviously from Xmas and threw them in the bin saying nothing was sacred and that she expects we ate all our Xmas stuff over Xmas and now wanted to take hers???

I just left, she's mad isn't she?

Sad to see the effect that a damaged relationship can continue to have on future generations. OP you sound sensible and kind, and I am your own relationship with your daughter will be so much better than the preceding generations.
Detach for your own peace of mind. And maybe see that your mum can't entirely help being how she is.

I struggle actually, I find I over think every decision for my own dcs. Rather than split second decisions I always have to ask myself what would DM have done or said then make sure I do the opposite.

I am terrified of the day I open my mouth and say something and sound like her.

But it's precisely that level of self awareness that makes you a good mum. And if one day you did slip up and say something horrible it would be so out of character, and so unlike the way you routinely behave towards DCs, that they would know that it wasn't really "you".
And they'd be fine. Because all the rest of the time you are a good mum.

I hope so.

I'm amazed at those who think this is normal - that you 'should have asked', that it was her treat and hers alone! My mum also went through the war and nearly starved, but she always has a fridge full, always pushes food on us, (lunch at 1pm, tea at 3pm before we go!) aand always a huge, groaning table of food.

Hedgehog - it is about so much more than the cake - agree with others, distance from her and regain your relationship with your sis!

Oh dear me Hedgehog this must be quite a realisation to have after putting a thread up about a piece of cake. I hope you have someone to talk to.

I also hope you can break the pattern so clearly set by your grandmother who favoured your aunt over your mother.

The damage this does is immense and it's not normal, even though you do hear a lot of examples of favouritism. I spoke to one of those favoured siblings once and he said that he was in constant fear of being treated like his brother but felt guilty at the same time. Your sister has probably suffered as much as you have.

But you sound as though you have worked on this hard because you always knew it was wrong. It might be a good idea to speak to your sister about the whole narc issue. But also remember that your mother is, or was, a victim and she has simply followed what she thought was normal behaviour. I believe that people can change a lot, whatever their age, so don't dismiss her potential just yet.