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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DM is a nasty selfish horrible cow

81 replies

Edenviolet · 09/01/2014 19:55

Dsis was expecting a parcel today but had to go to an appointment, as the dcs go to school nearby to dsis and DMs house she asked would I wait in for it which was fine as I had nothing else to do and dsis had done me a favour recently so it was only fair to repay it.

DM goes to work so I was there with dd and ds. I was starving so made a cup of tea and noticed the Xmas cake in the kitchen under a tea towel. I cut a tiny bit literally 2x3 inches so only a little bit to have with my tea. I know dsis detests fruit cake but DM likes it. There was a big chunk left.

DM got back at lunchtime and went MENTAL. How dare I touch her cake, how dare I eat anything, that she had hidden it. I did point out that it had a tea towel half over it not a cloak of invisibility so it wasn't that well hidden which made her really mad.
Then I asked her why it was so dreadful that I, her daughter had eaten a tiny bit of her Xmas cake? She told me I had no right to it that it was her treat and that I was selfish????

She then opened the cupboard and got out a tin of roses, quality street, sweets and biscuits all obviously from Xmas and threw them in the bin saying nothing was sacred and that she expects we ate all our Xmas stuff over Xmas and now wanted to take hers???

I just left, she's mad isn't she?

OP posts:

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/01/2014 01:49

Well once your sister moves out, and you never go back she'll never have to worry losing another raisin from her fruitcake again, will she?

Does she know you took a tea bag too?

As long as I'm on this planet I'll share every last crumb with my DS. I can't imagine getting possessive and feral over a piece of cake. It's not like you ate the lot - sounds like there was plenty left.

horsetowater · 10/01/2014 02:03

There have been quite a few threads over Christmas about dsis and dbros being bad to each other and behind the trouble, in some of these cases lay a narcissistic parent. In each of these I have advised people to make as much contact as reasonable with their sibs.

OP your mother is is controlling narc and has been content to see her daughters fighting. You have inadvertently turned her world upside down by liberating your relationship with your sister. I hope this new understanding opens a new chapter in your life.

Logg1e · 10/01/2014 02:40

I was thinking along the same l

Logg1e · 10/01/2014 02:43

...lines as sky. She may be feeling as if her house was being used, her food eaten without permission etc. I know it's out of proportion but I have heard people ask, "can't I have anything to myself??" when they feel they have to share everything.

ShowMeYourTARDIS · 10/01/2014 03:06

My grandmother, my mum's mum, was like this. She spent a significant part of her childhood growing up during WWII and food was scarce. She was very stingy with food, locked it up, etc. She also joined a cult, so I suppose that speaks to what sort of person she was.

Thankfully, my mum isn't like that at all!

horsetowater · 10/01/2014 07:59

My mother grew up in the war in another country and almost starved. She would give anyone her last piece of cake. She also tries to be fair with all her children.

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 08:01

hmm my mum;s formative childhood years were during ww2 and she would have shared her cake with anyone....tbh this person sounds ill.

horsetowater · 10/01/2014 08:23

My mother grew up in the war in another country and almost starved. She would give anyone her last piece of cake. She also tries to be fair with all her children.

BMW6 · 10/01/2014 09:17

I feel really sorry for you and your Dsis. Your Mum is not a well person and there is prob nothing that can be done at this stage of her life.

Hope you and Dsis can build a better relationship and give each other support in the face of your Mums awful behaviour.

Good luck

Gennacy · 10/01/2014 10:32

I think I am a little bit like this, Slightly possessive over "my" things. I get graze boxes once a week and haven't consumed them so have quite the stack, my mum came and helped herself and handed out the good ones (chocs in) to the neighbours kids... Then sat there and ate my entire bowl of chocolate nuts which were very expensive and again my treat, I bought with my meager allowance. ( I didn't even get one, boo hoo) I was quietly cross!

My problem I have is with myself, I know this and I am trying really really hard not to be possessive, I just cant stand it when there is a houseful of food his lordship buys his house his money - my hangups as its not really like that and the kids find in my hidey spot and the wispa I bought 3 weeks ago and hid as a treat, and then scoff it! accusing me of being manipulative and mean.

So I can kind of understand your mum's point, but I think she has other issues.
Good post, I have identified I am a fruit cake and will try harder...
Runs off to unhide the food and scoff it before the get home

wowfudge · 10/01/2014 11:44

Yes - she overreacted, but I would have asked could I have some of the cake, not just helped myself.

SynchroniseYourDogmas · 10/01/2014 11:55

My mother is also like this. Sadly the only way i've found to deal with it is keep at arms length, have little to do with her and essentially not give a monkeys about her.
It is ok on a day to day basis but when you see other peoples' good relationships with their parents its quite depressing. Interestingly she seems to have got better over the years (post meno!) but its too late for me now, I have enough problems with operating socially without giving her the opportunity to screw me up again.

DownstairsMixUp · 10/01/2014 12:01

Nuts! You didn't leave her with no cake fgs, i could understand if it was the last slice (though I still wouldn't of agreed with the dramatic reaction) Very odd behaviour! Buy another fruit cake and post a slice through the door with an apology note.

Lovecat · 10/01/2014 12:30

I have learnt through painful experience (DSIL housesat and we'd said help yourself to drink, meaning the spirits and the many bottles of wine in the rack - she took a bottle of the most expensive (and nice, and mine) wine in the house (which was not out in plain view) to a tupperware party - and didn't even drink it all!) that if you want to keep something to yourself you a) don't leave it out in plain view and b) TELL the person in your house that that particular thing is NOT up for grabs.

From your later posts I gather that the cake had already been cut into? If that's the case then I'm not sure why she'd be so bothered (it's always nice to be asked, but if someone was in my house waiting in I'd tell them to help themselves to whatever ) - had it been a pristine, uncut cake it would be the sort of thing I'd mutter about later - a 2 x 3 inch slice is quite big, after all...

Your mum's reaction was totally OTT. I confess to having been mildly pissed off when DH ate chocolates that someone had bought ME as a thank you, but even that wouldn't warrant that sort of reaction. She sounds very controlling and I think you're better off out of it, tbh.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 10/01/2014 12:38

It was a very thin slice though ! I haven't spoken to DM since. I just can't its all got too much so I'm keeping away!
Dsis has been staying at her partners house as she can't stand it either.

OP posts:

horsetowater · 10/01/2014 12:47

This is a good time to rebond with your sister. Your mother is entirely the problem here.

AngelaDaviesHair · 10/01/2014 12:51

but to her it was a sign that nothing she has is sacred

Oh please.

Time to detach, OP, and concentrate on a good relationship with your siblings perhaps? Leave your mother to her cakes and sweets.

JimmyChooChoo · 10/01/2014 12:58

OP-please check out this website : www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

It may help you understand your mother or at least understand your relationship with her and how to deal with her.

Does your mum have a sense of entitlement? Does she like to cause drama? Does she feel sorry for herself a lot? Narcissistic people are VERY clever at turning things around and making YOU feel that your the 'bad one' and that you've done something wrong and even making you feel guilty.

My own mother didn't turn up for my WEDDING because she won a competition (beauty pamper day/magazine shoot) which was on the same day as my wedding.

Reading about narcissism has helped a lot although very painful.

I feel for you.

horsetowater · 10/01/2014 13:01

The cake is a red herring here. Rejection is the issue. She has a dreadful fear of rejection and this may be the reason she has got between you and your siblings for so long. The kind of damage this ingrained pattern of behaviour does is very hard to make good. You taking her cake was like you taking her last child away from her.

Gruntfuttock · 10/01/2014 13:02

OP, your mother deserves to be left alone by everyone, with just her cake and sweets for company.

CinnamonPorridge · 10/01/2014 13:07

Hedgehog,
I'd feel very bad if my adult children felt they had to ask to eat cake when coming round to mine.
She clearly has control issues and that cake is just a symptom.

My mum also has form for stirring between my dsis and me. Whatever she tells me, it takes one call or text to dsis to hear what she really said. My mum has never managed to get a wedge in between us, but boy she's tried.

My mil would be absolutely offended if I refused to eat when at hers.
When she knows we're coming over she goes into a cooking and baking frenzy. That's the other extreme but at least she means well.

Maybe it is time you and dsis had a long chat about her and her ways. I feel amost sorry for your dm as she doesn't want a normal relationship with her adult children.

Motherinlawsdung · 10/01/2014 13:13

I am sorry for you and your sister - but I am sorry for your mother too. She clearly has a very longstanding problem, which drove away your father. Do you know anything about her own family background? Was she perhaps the unfavoured child, the one who got no presents?

I agree that for your own well being you need to detach, but I would really like to know what has damaged her so much that she has turned out like this.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 10/01/2014 13:13

Goodness, I had a look at that website. Sounds exactly like DM.

Now I think I realise where her 'de sensitising programme' came from when we were children. She would make us answer the phone, pay in shops, ask for things in shops, walk in front of her and she told us if we made a mistake she would laugh at us to de sensitise us. It just made me a nervous wreck. I struggle now with things like this as I can't forget the taunting and mickey taking If we tripped or said the wrong thing. I think that must be due to DM having a personality disorder.

OP posts:

Original poster

Edenviolet · 10/01/2014 13:15

I know very little except that my grandmother was raised by her mother and grandmother and was the product of an affair her mother had had with a married man and this was frowned upon.

My grandma had two daughters, my DM and her sister. I think my aunts was the firm favourite and DM left home aged 15. DM has told me very little else about her life although hints that there was a traumatic and horrendous attack at some point in her life by a stranger that she will never speak about.

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/01/2014 13:20

I would never dare take anything from my mums house. If I ask the answer is always yes, but I know she would call me rude if I didn't ask.

When I had to stay over a few years ago for one night, I stopped off at the shop and bought myself and DD1 some lunch to eat so that I wouldn't have to go into her cupboards while she was at work.

We have a strenuous relationship and although I know its not normal, and I would never do it to my kids, I just humour her for an easy life.

Your mum sounds a lot worse OP. YANBU to be upset.

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