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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DM is a nasty selfish horrible cow

81 replies

Edenviolet · 09/01/2014 19:55

Dsis was expecting a parcel today but had to go to an appointment, as the dcs go to school nearby to dsis and DMs house she asked would I wait in for it which was fine as I had nothing else to do and dsis had done me a favour recently so it was only fair to repay it.

DM goes to work so I was there with dd and ds. I was starving so made a cup of tea and noticed the Xmas cake in the kitchen under a tea towel. I cut a tiny bit literally 2x3 inches so only a little bit to have with my tea. I know dsis detests fruit cake but DM likes it. There was a big chunk left.

DM got back at lunchtime and went MENTAL. How dare I touch her cake, how dare I eat anything, that she had hidden it. I did point out that it had a tea towel half over it not a cloak of invisibility so it wasn't that well hidden which made her really mad.
Then I asked her why it was so dreadful that I, her daughter had eaten a tiny bit of her Xmas cake? She told me I had no right to it that it was her treat and that I was selfish????

She then opened the cupboard and got out a tin of roses, quality street, sweets and biscuits all obviously from Xmas and threw them in the bin saying nothing was sacred and that she expects we ate all our Xmas stuff over Xmas and now wanted to take hers???

I just left, she's mad isn't she?

OP posts:

GossamerHailfilter · 09/01/2014 20:17

Are you my sister OP? (I know you are not but you could be!).

My Mum is exactly the same, although she would open our post if we didn't get to it first. She would also count and weigh everything and was seriously controlling with food.

You cant change her, I would feel sorry for her and distance yourself.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 09/01/2014 20:17

This thread is so upsetting Wont anyone PLEASE tell me what became of all those chocolates and sweets? They can't be in the bin still? Can they?? OP - you need to go back and rescue them

PS: My mother is a fruitloop as well, i feel your pain

ArtexMonkey · 09/01/2014 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 09/01/2014 20:20

Jeezo...she sounds a right horror. Emotionally manipulative and a bully. Yeuch.
Yanbu.

annielouisa · 09/01/2014 20:20

I think you sort of knew how she would react as she has always been unreasonable like this. I would not begrudge any of my DC or DGC any food. Sadly for some reason or other your DM is mean when it comes to sharing things. Is there any background to her behaviour?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 09/01/2014 20:25

She has always been very controlling. It was why my lovely dad left (I miss him so much) I remember him crying when he went telling us it wasn't us he was leaving but if he stayed he would die as he was so stressed and had a heart problem.

I've always known from when I loved there to never open anything newto eat or eat the last ofanythingbut I assumed a tiny bit of already open cake with plenty left was ok. She must have measured it though to have known she took one look and just knew!

After years of having dsis as her favourite she has dropped her like a ton of bricks lately.she seems to now be on a mission of self destruction.

OP posts:

pictish · 09/01/2014 20:28

Well...your sister has gone and selfishly brought someone into her life other than your mother, and that just will not do!

Sorry she's such a menace Hedgehog.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 09/01/2014 20:32

I have had so many problems with dsis over the years, purely because DM had her as the favourite and dsis played on it as it was in her interests.

DM has now turned the tables and is hell bent on destroying dsis and/or her relationship. Its horrible to see. I knew it would happen one day, I used to wish it would as I hated dsis and DM but now I can't help but feel sorry for dsis going through what I did.

OP posts:

pictish · 09/01/2014 20:35

Try not to blame your sis too much...she's a victim of your mother's manipulations as well.
You poor things. It would be great if you could bypass your mum and support one another.

sykadelic15 · 09/01/2014 20:36

Man can't believe I'm going to be the only one but... no I don't think she was totally unreasonable. I think she overreacted, but I understand why she was upset.

It's her house. Not yours. Her cake. Not yours. You, essentially, stole something of hers.

I get that you think it was only a little piece of cake, but to her it was a sign that nothing she has is sacred. I know someone else like this who feels like they have absolutely nothing of their own any more. That they have to sneak treats in the car and scoff them down before they get home, making sure to hide the bag 'cause if ONE other person in the family sees it she gets the whinging and moaning about why they didn't get one too. In fact, I think there was a thread on here where a woman's teenage sons would raid her cupboards of any good snacks.

You should have called or texted or waited till she got back to ask before taking a piece of her cake. I also think given you know how she behaves about this sort of thing that you should really have expected she wouldn't have been pleased.

Throwing out the other goodies though - total overreaction but probably trying to get you to under just how much it bugs her (bet you won't forget now!)

Original poster

Edenviolet · 09/01/2014 20:38

Iam hoping we can build some bridges. Db moved away as it was too much for him so there's nobody else locally really who understands.

Its just horrible, I really don't understand why she bothered to have us she clearly never liked us or wanted to make us feel loved. Ali remembers feeling constantly nervous, on edge and self conscious due to her frequent personality attacks.

OP posts:

Queenoftheworld · 09/01/2014 20:44

Weirdly, I feel sorry for your Mum. Her behaviour was completely mad, of course, but it sounds like she is constantly trying to be in control. People only do that if they feel that their world is out of control. She needs support and forgiveness to be able to deal with it - think of it as a kind of OCD.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 09/01/2014 20:44

hedgehog - this is the one who charged you £30 for the use of her washing machine isn't it.

i think alot of the replies don't know the half of it

Original poster

Edenviolet · 09/01/2014 20:47

Yes she charged for the use of her washing machine and tumble dryer. I know she has some problems but today she was dreadful. She was also angry that I'd done a favour for dsis and was angry last week when dsis had helped me with something.

She hates us speaking to/seeing each other and she was always quite content when dsis and I did not get on at all.

OP posts:

Clutterbugsmum · 09/01/2014 20:58

sykadelic15

I'm sorry but I feel sorry for your family if you believe that this is normal. I pop to my mums or her to me 3 or 4 times a week but neither would behave in this way if one of us took some cake/biscuit.

OP I woul steer clear of your mum for now and try and build bridges with your sister.

Mim78 · 09/01/2014 21:25

She sounds mad, and also very abusive. Must have been awful for you growing up with that. I would steer clear as others have said. Yes I do feel sorry for her for being like that, but you need to protect yourself and your dc. A little piece of cake? And she is your Mum? You were there doing a favour for DSis for goodness sake, why shouldn't you have piece of cake while you were there?

Your Mum clearly does not have a normal relationship with food, and is using it to be v controlling.

My Mum suspects that her FIL (so my grandfather) was like that with his kids because my Dad has a bit of a complex about food now and tends to hoard - he also can't cope if he hasn't bought some of everything they might want in the weekly shop - as though not having one specific thing they normally have, say apples or marmite, for a week is going to harm anyone.

sykadelic15 - that response is very strange. There is nothing wrong with being expected to share snacks/treats in a family. Again, I don't think it shows a normal relationship with food to scoff treats in the car so that no one else can have any (or if you do you should perhaps acknowledge to yourself you are being a bit silly).

IamGluezilla · 09/01/2014 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiniSoksMakeHardWork · 09/01/2014 21:40

If you hadn't said she's always been very controlling I'd have said get her tested for a urine infection. My grandma goes batshit crazy when she has one. The staff in her home said they see it a lot amongst the elderly and one of the first things they do is drop a pot into the gp.

sykadelic15 · 09/01/2014 23:43

Clutterbugsmum I didn't say it was "normal" at all. I said I understood it but that it was a bit of an overreaction.

Mim78 Again, I didn't say it was "normal". And I agree, there is nothing wrong with sharing treats in a family but that's not in ALL families because not all families are the same. As for "normal relationship with food" I don't think it's about the food at all. It's about how the lady felt she couldn't have anything of her own and had to hide her special treats (I'm not sure it was just food, that's just what I remember) otherwise they would be taken from her as well. Loss of identity as an individual person and always being "just mum" where all her stuff is everyone elses and all that.

OP - from your further posts it DEFINITELY seems like your mum wants all the control. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if the towel over the cake was some sort of test that you failed.

I stand by my previous post that as far as she is concerned, you stole from her. She had something special and you took it upon yourself to take without asking (assuming, which would be fine in many situations, that it shouldn't be a problem). Do I think it's normal that she flipped out so bad? No. But from your further posts it sounds about normal for your mother.

Some people are really strange about "their" stuff. My pen, my desk, my computer... mine mine mine. it's pretty apparent from your posts that she is someone who has a strong attachment to her stuff. As well as control over other parts of her life. Prefers to know the status quo and all that. It does sound like a bit of a MH issue but it sounds like she's always been like that.

You can either learn to live with her behaviour, adjust your behaviour so as not to trigger her (or trigger her less), or see her less which gives less opportunity to be mean.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 09/01/2014 23:49

pathetic! my dm would encourage me to raid the fridge if i was going to be there for the day. i feel for you, would she have reacted in the same way if it'd been one of your dc who 'stole' the cake?

Toecheese · 10/01/2014 00:21

I think you could use this opportunity to really support your Sis and be close family.

My mother would give you her last slice of bread or the coat of her back. She would want me to nibble her Xmas cake when out.

Cerisier · 10/01/2014 00:24

What a nightmare OP, you need to keep well away from DM as she is downright nasty.

My DM was very controlling with food for years. Christmas was awful as she would buy lovely things but we weren't allowed to open them. However she has relaxed now and is very hospitable. She seemed to change overnight in all sorts of ways when the DGC came along.

ComposHat · 10/01/2014 00:38

She's going as mad as a fruitcake.

Over a fruit cake!

It might be because it is late but that amused me no end.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 10/01/2014 01:35

I think (unless this is characteristic behaviour) you should get her checked out. Specifically for dementia, Alzheimer's, neurological issues, that sort of thing.

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 01:38

might she be hypoglycemic (sp) or have undiagnosed diabetes?

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