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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this night out?

67 replies

MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 15:18

Dp and I are having a discussion about me having a night out.

Background. Since birth of dd 3years ago I dont go on nights out as much as I used to. I would say on average 5 times a year. Dp on the otherhand still goes out evry friday or Saturday no discussion. He doesnt ask if I have plans he just goes. I always ask if he has plans before I commit to any plans.

Dp is unwell atm. He has testicular cancer. He has had the op to remove the lump (3 weeks ago) and is back on his feet now. CT scan yesterday and results on monday. While he is off work dd is at home with him all day while I work (7-1)

It is a friends 30th tomorrow and she is having a party locally (ten mins from the house) I have plans with a group of friends to go. Dp is now in a huge huff because I am going out. My argument is that it was fine for him to go out and get drunk on boxing day. He was also planning to go out last weekend but nodody else went. This argument started today beccause he told his brother he would be out tomorrow. I suggested he get a babysitter if he wanted to go. Obviously his bein ill isnt having too much of an effect on his social life so why should it effect mine.

Tomorrow night dd will be fed bathed and dressed for bed before I leave. He never does anything like that before going out. He also gets to lounge all the next day with a hangover while I always get up with dd no matter how much I have had.

Apparently I am being cruel by going out. am I?

OP posts:
Vintagecakeisstillnice · 09/01/2014 15:24

Not in the least, go and enjoy

MoreSkyThanWeNeed · 09/01/2014 15:26

When were you invited to the 30th party? Surely a birthday party is more important than a normal night out for him?

I would go. And have fun.

CoffeeTea103 · 09/01/2014 15:26

Yanbu, there shouldn't be any reason why you shouldn't also be able to go out.

JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 15:28

Just go, he sounds like a selfish arse.

omletta · 09/01/2014 15:30

Most definately go - it's the thin end of the wedge.

Original poster
MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 15:33

I was invited about 4 months ago.

Apparently if I go he will be up all night worrying about me. Funny that every other time I have been out he has been fast asleep when I get in. 99% of the time he could not tell you what time I got in. He on the other hand refuses to take a key so I am regularly awake until 2-3 am.

Im so annoyed. He normally a decent man who lets me get on with whatever I want to do. I know I've always pandered to him with nights out and letting him lie in but staying in has always been my choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 15:34

Oh I am defo going. I was just curious where I was on a scale of unreasonable-ness Grin

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/01/2014 15:35

Sounds like you need to start going out more? YANBU - go and enjoy yourself, no way could I cope with only going out 5 times a year.

Do you often go out as a couple?

RunRunRuby · 09/01/2014 15:35

Cruel?! He sounds like a lazy prat to be honest. You absolutely should go out. It sounds like you've had plans for a while but he's made a spur of the moment decision to go out tomorrow? Seeing as your plans were made first he needs to find a babysitter or stay in. Why do you do everything for DD before you go out? Does he just not bother to do those things if you don't?

TinyTear · 09/01/2014 15:37

WTF??? he goes out ALL the time and never takes a key? what are you? his mum?

why did he want kids if not to change his lifestyle at all?

procrastinatingagain · 09/01/2014 15:38

He won't take a key??
He goes out every week without question??
No wonder he's happy to let you get on with whatever you want the rest of the time, he's getting a brilliant deal there. And he begrudges you going out. Things need to even up a bit imo.

Original poster
MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 15:40

I do stuff for dd because I enjoy it. Getting her bathed etc. She sits with me and helps with my make up.

I do go out more than that but not boozy nights. I try to go for a meal with friends at least once a month and dp and I do go out about once a month.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/01/2014 15:42

If he didn't take a key I would make him sleep in the garden.

He sounds like a selfish sod to be honest.

tenementfunster · 09/01/2014 15:44

Tell him to look after his own child while you enjoy some time out

It always amazes me how many men get away with or are enabled to duck out of their responsibilities. This is an equal partnership surely where partners get to do fun stuff and the rough stuff. Why so much selfishness?
Tell him to grow up

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 09/01/2014 15:45

Why does he refuse to take a key?

He is being a twat. Why shouldn't you go out? Does he think he is more important than you or something?

Trooperslane · 09/01/2014 15:49

It's not babysitting if it's your own child.

What Betty said re sleeping in the garden.

Go and enjoy Wink

Mandy21 · 09/01/2014 15:49

Just as a complete aside, and perhaps not material to the overall fabric of your relationship and how things normally happen, but my H was horrible (and I mean horrible) when he was first diagnosed with what your DP has. Obviously you haven't said how he's dealing with it, although if he's going out he might be handling it well, but my H felt very threatened by it at first, almost less of a man, embarrassed, ashamed. He found it very difficult to deal with, worried that I wouldn't want him any more etc etc – all of which was completely unfounded but intensified the grumpiness. Could this just be a manifestation of his insecurities about you going out?

whois · 09/01/2014 15:54

Sounds like the night out is the least of your worries.

FrysChocolateCream · 09/01/2014 15:59

Hopefully this issue will start a discussion with you about all the unfairness you have laid out in your OP. He sounds awful. The thing about not taking a key is just so shit and that's just the start of it.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 09/01/2014 16:06

He is being soooooo unreasonable and as for him not taking a key, well next time, ignore him.

ilovesooty · 09/01/2014 16:08

normally a decent man

When would that be? He sounds like a rude pain in the arse to me.

HesterShaw · 09/01/2014 16:14

I'm sorry...he refuses to take a key?????

Sorry OP, he sounds immature and selfish, and not just because of the key thing.

I'm increasingly aghast at the number of threads I see on here detailing really crap behaviour from husbands, partners and fathers, and the OPs always say "He's a wonderful partner/father in all other ways...."

Original poster
MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 16:23

Re doing everything for dd I only added that to the op to show he wouldn't need to do any lifting or carrying of dd . He certainly doesnt expect it to be done for him. I don't do it if I'm out early.

It feels like he does think he is more important than me in this situation. Its like he wants me to fuss over him like he is an invalid. If he was having chemo or just out of hospital then I would obviously be home with him.

He says I am adding to his stress by not giving him a time I will be home. We have been together 6 years and neither of us have ever had a curfew.

Why start acting like this now?

Also the key situation is a big bone of contenion. I shouldn't say he refuses to take a key because he will if reminded to but guaranteed he will forget he has it and will knock the door anyway. He is also extremely loud coming in so wakes me anyway.

And yes is is a decent guy. Up until this I would say we were equal partners. He might lie in with a hangover butI'lllie in the following day etc. Does as much around the house and with dc as me etc.

OP posts:
Mandy21 · 09/01/2014 16:27

As I said above, is this the first time you've been out since he's been diagnosed?

Original poster
MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 16:30

Sorry Mandy yes it is.

OP posts: