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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About this night out?

67 replies

MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 15:18

Dp and I are having a discussion about me having a night out.

Background. Since birth of dd 3years ago I dont go on nights out as much as I used to. I would say on average 5 times a year. Dp on the otherhand still goes out evry friday or Saturday no discussion. He doesnt ask if I have plans he just goes. I always ask if he has plans before I commit to any plans.

Dp is unwell atm. He has testicular cancer. He has had the op to remove the lump (3 weeks ago) and is back on his feet now. CT scan yesterday and results on monday. While he is off work dd is at home with him all day while I work (7-1)

It is a friends 30th tomorrow and she is having a party locally (ten mins from the house) I have plans with a group of friends to go. Dp is now in a huge huff because I am going out. My argument is that it was fine for him to go out and get drunk on boxing day. He was also planning to go out last weekend but nodody else went. This argument started today beccause he told his brother he would be out tomorrow. I suggested he get a babysitter if he wanted to go. Obviously his bein ill isnt having too much of an effect on his social life so why should it effect mine.

Tomorrow night dd will be fed bathed and dressed for bed before I leave. He never does anything like that before going out. He also gets to lounge all the next day with a hangover while I always get up with dd no matter how much I have had.

Apparently I am being cruel by going out. am I?

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 09/01/2014 17:34

Also he has cancer but still goes out and gets drunk.

maybe if he drank less and took better care of himself he would have better health.

What a pile of shite. So people aren't allowed to go out and have a drink if they have cancer then? And attempt to bring some normality back to their lives? What should he do instead? Stay at home and mope? Is that more fitting for someone who has cancer? Does that fit into your narrow minded little stereo type a bit better . And he would have still had the cancer anyway you know. Whether he went out once a week or not.

Original poster

MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 17:56

It was a mistake mentioning the fact I 'allow' him to lounge on a Saturday. I also lounge if I go out. I just do it on the sofa rather than bed. And we certainly dont tip toe around the house so he gets peace and quiet.

Sorry if I wasnt clear but he doesnt go out two nights a week. Its either a friday or a Saturday and its normally until 10.30-11. The 2-3's are probably every few months or so.

Im not defending him. He is being an arse. But he is not like this normally. Hence the post here.

OP posts:

Original poster

MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 18:00

Yiu can continue being outraged about the key though. That really pisses me off.

OP posts:

glasgowsteven · 09/01/2014 18:15

They can do what they want... But if I hd cancer I would be ensuring I did everything to make myself better....alcohol would not be included in that list........

formerbabe · 09/01/2014 18:31

glasgowsteven...don't be so ridiculous. Does giving up alcohol cure cancer? Does drinking cause testucular cancer? Are you an oncologist? We don't always have as much influence on our own health as we would like to think. Are you tee total as a precaution against getting cancer then seeing as you assume it is a contributing factor?

malteserzz · 09/01/2014 18:42

glasgowsteven that's ridiculous and quite insulting, no one has told me to give up alcohol and I feel going for nights out has been good for my mental health and help me to feel more normal
Should everyone with cancer be staying in and just eating organic vegetables ?

Inertia · 09/01/2014 18:43

YANBU

You should also make a point of being unable to find your key so you have to knock loudly when uou come home.

Sorry your DH is ill. But if cancer doesn't stop jom gping out , it shouldn't stop you. Sounds like an excuse so he can go.

BrianTheMole · 09/01/2014 18:48

They can do what they want... But if I hd cancer I would be ensuring I did everything to make myself better....alcohol would not be included in that list........

Well good for you. But until you are in that position you don't actually know how it will be for you. You really don't have a fucking clue.

firesidechat · 09/01/2014 18:53

They can do what they want... But if I hd cancer I would be ensuring I did everything to make myself better....alcohol would not be included in that list........

Well my husband's consultant positively recommended a few glasses of wine. If you have a cancer that isn't caused by alcohol then what's the harm? The stress is tremendous and retaining some of life's pleasures is a good thing.

BeerTricksPotter · 09/01/2014 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 09/01/2014 18:55

Well good for you. But until you are in that position you don't actually know how it will be for you. You really don't have a fucking clue.

Quite.

magoria · 09/01/2014 18:56

Tell him you won't be in until 5/6am.

So when ever you rock up before that he won't be worried.

Sit down and have an honest chat that he is taking for granted that you will be there. It is common courtesy to ask if you have any plans before making his arrangements every week.

I would wake up even if he had a key to let himself in so apart from telling him to stay away all night so you are not disturbed I don't have any suggestions there.

You certainly are not being unreasonable going to a pre arranged birthday party though.

Original poster

MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 19:10

I said I'll be home sometime before the sun comes up. He just rolled his eyes and laughed. He genuinely has never had an issue with me going anywhere and I dont think I even he knows why he is being like this now.

I think I have mothered him too much and he now expects me to sit and fret over him constantly. I do cluck over him a lot and have been worse since he has been unwell.

I'm constantly asking is he ok, does he need painkillers or food or sleep.

This is the first thing I have done for myself since beginning of December. In fairness to dp he was out boxing day but hadnt drank before that since November. He didnt go out after getting the diagnosis. I made him sound like a raging drunk and thats not fair. He isnt.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 09/01/2014 19:37

Like I said earlier OP, it's probably down to the underlying stress of the cancer, especially if he doesn't know if it's spread. For some time after the initial shock it was like living with a stranger. He wasn't horrible, just different.

In our house we have the unfortunate combination of a sometimes more needy husband with a terrible nurse (me). I lose patience very quickly, but I do go with him to every hospital appointment because he wants me to and it's not too much to ask.

Enjoy your night out and I hope he gets good news soon.

Mandy21 · 09/01/2014 21:43

fireside I think you are me . Florence Nightingale I am not!! Hope your H is ok now!

firesidechat · 09/01/2014 22:21

*Mandy21, it's an on going saga. An aggressive form that will keep coming back without regular investigations and treatment. We will probably be doing this forever, but he is still here and we are incredibly thankful for that.

I suppose I'm just a bit sensitive about people minimising the impact that cancer has and some of the OP's descriptions of her husband rang bells - the neediness and possible anxiety.

I do think that it is important that the OP gets a chance to go out and enjoy herself without feeling guilty though.

Mandy21 · 09/01/2014 23:16

I couldn't agree more, my H was 23 the first time round (same position as OP's H) and he was floored by it emotionally. 2nd time he was better emotiinally but awful physically and we had 6mth old twins at the time. We could easily have divorced, it was such a stressful time and both of us needed time out of the house / friends / wine / space to get through it.

As you say you don't know how you'll react in that situation.

Hope you get your night out, OP!

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