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AIBU?

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Original poster

About this night out?

67 replies

MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 15:18

Dp and I are having a discussion about me having a night out.

Background. Since birth of dd 3years ago I dont go on nights out as much as I used to. I would say on average 5 times a year. Dp on the otherhand still goes out evry friday or Saturday no discussion. He doesnt ask if I have plans he just goes. I always ask if he has plans before I commit to any plans.

Dp is unwell atm. He has testicular cancer. He has had the op to remove the lump (3 weeks ago) and is back on his feet now. CT scan yesterday and results on monday. While he is off work dd is at home with him all day while I work (7-1)

It is a friends 30th tomorrow and she is having a party locally (ten mins from the house) I have plans with a group of friends to go. Dp is now in a huge huff because I am going out. My argument is that it was fine for him to go out and get drunk on boxing day. He was also planning to go out last weekend but nodody else went. This argument started today beccause he told his brother he would be out tomorrow. I suggested he get a babysitter if he wanted to go. Obviously his bein ill isnt having too much of an effect on his social life so why should it effect mine.

Tomorrow night dd will be fed bathed and dressed for bed before I leave. He never does anything like that before going out. He also gets to lounge all the next day with a hangover while I always get up with dd no matter how much I have had.

Apparently I am being cruel by going out. am I?

OP posts:
pictish · 09/01/2014 16:30

He sounds like a controlling shit. Cancer or not. Yanbu.

Kundry · 09/01/2014 16:30

I'd be annoyed. Having testicular surgery is not exactly a major op. If he doesn't now have to have chemo or it hasn't spread elsewhere, although he has had a major shock, he doesn't have cancer anymore. So really, he's actually better than he was before.

Plus saying he'll worry all night about you a grown woman who has managed to raise a child is a bit rude. All he has to do is take himself to bed.

firesidechat · 09/01/2014 16:31

Just as a complete aside, and perhaps not material to the overall fabric of your relationship and how things normally happen, but my H was horrible (and I mean horrible) when he was first diagnosed with what your DP has. Obviously you haven't said how he's dealing with it, although if he's going out he might be handling it well, but my H felt very threatened by it at first, almost less of a man, embarrassed, ashamed. He found it very difficult to deal with, worried that I wouldn't want him any more etc etc – all of which was completely unfounded but intensified the grumpiness. Could this just be a manifestation of his insecurities about you going out?

I was just about to type a similar comment when I saw your post Mandy21. My husband was diagnosed with cancer about 6 years ago now and it has definitely changed him. At the beginning he was a bit moody with a much shorter fuse than normal. It has settled done now, but the stress can still bring out his neediness at times.

Cancer, even treated cancer, is life changing and in my experience personality changing.

firesidechat · 09/01/2014 16:39

I'd be annoyed. Having testicular surgery is not exactly a major op. If he doesn't now have to have chemo or it hasn't spread elsewhere, although he has had a major shock, he doesn't have cancer anymore. So really, he's actually better than he was before.

An individuals reaction to cancer isn't based on a logical analysis of the facts though. It is unbelievably scary and doesn't necessarily vanish with the tumour. I know that my husband spent some time telling me where the insurance policies were and at the beginning you are preparing for the worst. It's hard to shrug that off.
*

glasgowsteven · 09/01/2014 16:43

He sounds like a prick.

Also he has cancer but still goes out and gets drunk.

maybe if he drank less and took better care of himself he would have better health.

and he lounges about all day when hungover and you look after him and his child

he sounds just wonderful.....

Original poster
MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 16:43

Well he doesnt know if it has spread or not yet. He will be having chemo we just dont know how much of it yet.

I understand he is stressed. But so am I. He can go to the pub whenever the heck he likes but I am put on a guilt trip for it? Not acceptable in my book.

He can go out on Saturday ffs.

OP posts:
glasgowsteven · 09/01/2014 16:45

Guessing he must be doing ok for cash too if he can afford to a session at the pub once a week....

Despite the fact you are out working....

Original poster
MikeLitoris · 09/01/2014 16:52

I could afford to go to the pub once a week if I fancied it. Money is not the issue. Neither is work. Im working he is on the sick for 6 weeks. Then he will be back to work depending on the amount of chemo he has to have.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/01/2014 16:53

And yes is is a decent guy. Up until this I would say we were equal partners.

Really?
Not going by your posts he's not.

I'm sorry he's poorly, but that doesn't seem to be the issue here.

formerbabe · 09/01/2014 16:57

Some very unpleasant comments on here.

I wonder if he is feeling anxious about his results and doesn't want to be alone? I think you should go to the party BTW op.

Goodadvice1980 · 09/01/2014 17:03

OP, firstly sorry to hear your other half has been ill.

BUT ... " a discussion about you going out" - are you serious? Feck that!

He is being MASSIVELY selfish here.

formerbabe · 09/01/2014 17:07

I can only imagine the outcry if a woman recently diagnosed with cancer and awaiting test results came on here to say her dh was going to a party without her and she didn't want him to go...would you all be called her selfish, a prick, a shit etc?

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2014 17:12

But he's still going out himself!

So if he can, why can't she?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/01/2014 17:12

You are not being unreasonable in my book.

He's probably a bit scared what with all the cancer and everything, but that does not preclude a night out for you.

Have fun Smile

Ditavontitty · 09/01/2014 17:13

I am very sorry your dp has cancer-been there-but he does not sound like a "decent guy". He sounds a complete cocklodger tbh-he fucks off out every fri or sat without so much as a by or leave? Thats seriously not on and your deluding yourself if you think otherwise.

But I knew you would start making excuses for him as soon as poster pointed out his twatty behaviour.

Ditavontitty · 09/01/2014 17:14

Formerbabe-RTFT!! The dp is still happy to fuck off out without the op,cancer diagnosis or not. Oh and btw having cancer does'nt afford one saint status all of a sudden either.

FuckingWankwings · 09/01/2014 17:16

'Up until this I would say we were equal partners.'

I don't know about that. He goes out two nights every weekend, no discussion, just goes, but you wanting one special night out is a problem?

He doesn't take a key, or takes one but just finds it easier to knock and wake the household up instead?

He gets to lie in with a hangover every time, but you have to get up for DD?

That's not equal or fair. He needs to pull his weight properly.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/01/2014 17:17

Formerbabe actually I can imagine a different scenario

  • him going out is not going to make you more ill
  • maybe he deserves a break from being your carer
  • grow up, you can survive on your own for one night
  • etc.
RunRunRuby · 09/01/2014 17:17

When I was diagnosed with cancer my (now ex but not because of that) boyfriend still went out. I certainly wouldn't berate anyone for doing the same. And OP's partner wants to go out himself anyway! It seems like the reason he is making a fuss is because OP's plans mean he can't go out tomorrow without arranging childcare. If she were to stay home presumably he would still want to go out. So it's not as though he's asking her to stay at home and comfort him.

malteserzz · 09/01/2014 17:18

Glasgowsteven I have cancer and still go out and get drunk I guess it's all my own fault then

RhondaJean · 09/01/2014 17:19

On a scale of unreasonableness you are about a minus 5.

RhondaJean · 09/01/2014 17:20

Former I can if the reason she didn't want him to go is so that she can go on one of her own twice weekly boozing sessions.

BellaVita · 09/01/2014 17:20

We have one of those key safes on the wall at the back of the house with a spare key in.

I suggest you get one. You can lock the door then and he can get the key out when he gets home.

EirikurNoromaour · 09/01/2014 17:21

Who the fuck does he think he is?! He won't take a key and wakes you up at 2-3am? He goes out every week without discussion? He's throwing a fit because you want to go out one night and he can't? What a pathetic prick you're married to.

BrianTheMole · 09/01/2014 17:24

He sounds selfish, cancer or no cancer. He finds the time to go out himself every week, you have the right to go out too.

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