To not want to tell my 5 year old

[westbest]

Basically, partner has grown up son who has recently had a baby. We have a 5 year old together and thus he is an Uncle. I am against my 5 year old being told this as I think its too confusing for him- we never see the older child. My partner is very angry and says I am being deliberately difficult but I feel its unnescessary at this point - why not wait until DS is older?
AIBU?

We'll isn't your partners son part of your lives anyway?

Won't it be a lot more confusing to find out that he has a secret half brother when he is older

Why do you think it's confusing?

YABU I'm afraid. It's only confusing because you're making it that.

Children accept whatever the reality is of their situation. He's an uncle, so he's an uncle. He doesn't have this massive concept of what that means. YOU are putting your own feelings into it.

Telling him now means there's no great big revelation moment in the future which might upset them. And telling him doesn't mean sharing all the details, just enough for him at this age. If he wants to know more, he'll ask questions, be it now, or days, weeks, months or years in the future.

Treat it like a big deal and it will become a big deal.

Much easier now, it will be an issue if you leave it. Show him a photo of dad and son together-lovely, etc. he doesn't need to think about the uncle part as probably won't get it. He won't be confused by x has had a baby, and probably won't be interested.

Partners son isnt really part of our lives - my son knows about him but doesnt see him. Maybe I am being overly protective!

Why not just say X has had a baby - it will probably make little difference to your DS. Don't need to go into the uncle bit - most 5 years olds don't get those kind of relationships anyway.

I don't quite get why you objected - and also why your partner would get very angry about it. A bit of pragmatism on both sides might help.

YABU If he doesn't fully understand the realationship does it really matter? He can still get excited about a new baby that's somehow special to him. DH has aunties that are the same age as him. We don't see them often (maybe once every two years) but they still feel a bit of a link and have a good giggle about it over 40 years later.

When you say that you never see the grown up son, do you mean rarely or is there some sort of no-contact situation? If your son wanted to meet his nephew, would you be able to arrange that? I can see it might be a bit upsetting for him to find out about the baby and not be allowed to see him, if that's the situation, as lots of children seem to get very excited about babies. Otherwise why not just tell him his half-brother has had a baby, no need to tell him straight away that this makes him an uncle if you really think that would be confusing.

I agree with your partner. Imagine it was the other way round - your son has a child in the future and it's to be kept a secret.

Just tell him the facts "X has had a baby, it's called..., here's a picture, isn't she cute!" and leave it at that.

I think my partner is angry because he feels I am ignoring his previous family (And new family) which I am not. Happy to go and see baby- just feel weird about my son being called uncle at 5 yrs old.

Family "secrets" have a habit of coming back to bite! We always told my DS1 that DH was technically his step dad, he raised him from toddler hood, bio dad deadnow but huge story that may have warranted me blanking his existence. DS is fine and looks on DH as Dad now, but I can only think if he found out about his background when older, rather than being something that was always out in the open, then there might have been problems.

I'm confused, you're planning to tell your son about the new baby, just not how they are related?

What have you got against uncles, OP?

The uncle bit is a technicality really though. He's hardly going to get called "Uncle Tom" or whatever, is he??

IM a bit confused, you say DPs son is not part of your lifes yet your DP is angry because he thinks you ignore his previous family??

I don't see why it should be confusing; it's not hard to understand that older brother has a baby. Why don't you see the baby's father ... his choice or yours? The baby might be a good opportunity to build bridges, perhaps?

My son became an uncle at age 6 and was thrilled, but we do see quite a bit of the mother, his half-sister. He loves his baby nephew to bits .

I was just going to say that his half brother has a baby and leave it at that for now! But maybe that is wrong approach and i am being OTT!

He is an uncle. Telling him or not telling him makes no difference to that.

Yabvu I was an auntie at 2, my half sister had a baby. Never confused me! Your ds needs to know, I don't blame your partner !

Up to you, but I'd just tell him. I became an aunt at a couple of years older than your DS. We didn't really see my half sister or her family but it was just something that was part of my life - not really a big deal. If it'd been kept as some deep dark family secret until I was older it might have been.

DS was an uncle at the time of his birth in a situation similar to yours OP. He has always known, it has caused no confusion.

I don't understand why you don't want to tell him. What do you think will happen? Are you ashamed?

Does your DP now want a relationship with his son and grandchild? If so I can see why this is important to him, for you and your child to acknowledge their relationship to the baby.
I would tell him, show him a picture of the baby and say this is babiesname, they are SS baby, that means you are the baby's uncle.
Children of this age tend to take things as they are.
Better he hears it from you than from some well meaning relative somewhere down the line.

I loved being an auntie, even though my brothers was old enough to be my brother. He used to call me his great old Aunt. Mabel now you might see more of them, don't underestimate a child's intelligence!