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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tell my 5 year old

72 replies

westbest · 09/01/2014 13:59

Basically, partner has grown up son who has recently had a baby. We have a 5 year old together and thus he is an Uncle. I am against my 5 year old being told this as I think its too confusing for him- we never see the older child. My partner is very angry and says I am being deliberately difficult but I feel its unnescessary at this point - why not wait until DS is older?
AIBU?

OP posts:

GreenShadow · 09/01/2014 15:14

Of course he should know about his nephew, but if you don't want to use the 'U' word, then, I can't see that being a big issue. It's just a name.

The only issue I see arising out of not calling him an Uncle is if someone not in the know comes along and says 'How does it feel to be an Uncle?' or similar and he doesn't understand what they are talking about.

LadyAlysVorpatril · 09/01/2014 15:39

What's a quarter sister??

squeakytoy · 09/01/2014 15:43

How can you have quarter sister?????

drspouse · 09/01/2014 15:45

I've got an uncle who's younger than me. We always thought it hilarious growing up. I don't see the problem with being an uncle at 5.

sykadelic15 · 09/01/2014 15:46

I was an Auntie at birth. I'm 30 now (and not the youngest of my siblings) and a "great-aunt" to 2 teenagers and 2 toddlers because my half-siblings children (who are all older than me), have children.

It never confused me. My dad was older. He had other kids that were older than me. I don't associate with them often, but it's nice to feel part of a bigger picture.

It never affected me negatively. I think you're BU.

honeythewitch · 09/01/2014 15:48

I think a "quarter sibling" is a half sibling's half sibling.

sykadelic15 · 09/01/2014 15:50

StuckOnARollercoaster Quarter sister? I'm assuming you mean something like your half-siblings have a half-sister... unless that "quarter sister" shares the same parent with you that your half-siblings do (which would make her a half-sister to YOU), then she's NO relation to you at all. She's your half-siblings, half-sister. You share no blood relation.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 15:53

My sister is 3 month younger than my son. She has been an auntie since birth as has my brother who is now nearly 3. It's not confusing for them

cory · 09/01/2014 15:54

Why on earth would he be hurt by having a nephew he doesn't often see? Surely that must be the case for thousands of children up and down the country? Surely most people have relatives they don't have close contact with?

What would be hurtful, imo, would be finding out that his mother was so embarrassed at a perfectly normal situation that she preferred to lie to her.

happygirl87 · 09/01/2014 18:08

Derails thread- Nice article about "quarter sisters"/ whatever you want to call people who share half siblings

OP agree just tell him that brother has had a baby- if he wants to see the baby but can't, just say that he's too busy but maybe one day. Don't make a thing of it and it will be easier in the logn run.

StuckOnARollercoaster · 09/01/2014 19:08

Sorry about derailing thread but just realised its not a proper term but one that we have used to refer to ourselves, in that we have the same half brothers but actually there is no blood relation between us. (My dad's first wife already had a daughter, they then had a couple of boys, my dad then has me with his second wife!)

thenicknameiwantedisgone · 09/01/2014 19:20

Sorry but I think you are being ott. My kids became uncles at 14months and 4yrs old as DH's first grown up daughter had a baby. They find it a novelty and refer to the baby as their nephew but it has never caused any confusion.
They also have a grandfather they have never met (DH's dad). Again they don't find this too confusing, a bit odd perhaps but not confusing.

Marylou2 · 09/01/2014 19:43

I have lots of sympathy for you with this OP. It sounds as though you only wish to protect your child from hurt and uncertainty. If his half brother and the new baby will not be part of his life I wouldn't mention them either. Perhaps later if the situation changes this can be reassessed. Do you think your DP might be struggling with the concept of being a grandad?

NewtRipley · 09/01/2014 19:52

It sounds as though you are worried that this baby means you will be forced to interact more with the son.

I would mention it to your son, show him pictures. The uncle bit is neither here nor there. No need to use that term, IMO, no need to hide it.

NewtRipley · 09/01/2014 19:54

If your DS knows about his half-brother then he should know about his half-brother's son.

But as I said above, it seems to me that the real problem is your relationship with your step-son and the fear that the baby will mean greater involvement - that you aren't comfortable with.

sykadelic15 · 09/01/2014 19:56

I also agree with the novelty.

One of my nieces in particular (in her very late 30's) will wish me happy bday on FB with "Happy Birthday Auntie". People would often try and correct me if I call her my niece... "you mean Aunt" and I say "no. Her dad is my brother". Get's 'em all confused :D

HeeHiles · 09/01/2014 19:57

I've got an aunty who is 6 months older than me - I've always known this and I wasn't confused, and I've only seen her a couple of times as she lives in a different country.

I also know a family where there are two young toddlers - one of which is the uncle - they both know that nan and mum are the samer person and they both know they are uncle and nephew - neither are confused or upset by the situation - it's just families! Be truthful now - it will save problems in the future!

Ragwort · 09/01/2014 20:05

But why do you have to make a big thing of your DS being an 'uncle' - why can't you just say 'Tom and Susie have had a baby boy, his name is Jack - we are planning to see them next weekend' or whatever . No five year old wants or needs to know the exact details of the relationship surely?

foreverondiet · 09/01/2014 20:13

Sorry you are being unreasonable. It's only confusing if you make it. Maybe don't use words uncle, but why not say that Daddy has a big boy called x who (is your big brother) and x has a new baby, it's that exciting to have a new baby in the family, maybe we can look out some of your old things else.

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/01/2014 20:20

I think you are over thinking things.

How old is your dp's older son?

elliejjtiny · 09/01/2014 20:40

Just tell him in a casual way and show him a picture of the baby. My DS's have a cousin who they've never met and it doesn't bother them. When my granddad remarried I was 2 and I got 2 step aunties who were about 20+ years older than my dad and his siblings. So I had step cousins who were 20+ years older than me. I used to see them every few years, they were known as a group as "Nana X's family" apart from one little boy (I say little, I think he's about 23 now!) who I remember his name as he was a baby when I was about 9 and going through that obsessed with babies stage . It was never confusing, apart from at funerals and weddings when I, my sisters and cousins would get patted on the head by some random man in a suit and told we'd grown .

kiwidreamer · 09/01/2014 20:48

Ive got an Aunt who is a year younger than me, it was a fun novelty growing up so IMO YABU... it's not a big deal, especially if you dont see them that often, we were a close family - my parents had me very young and around the same time my Nana remararried and had two more children and cos I only had brothers my younger Aunt has been the closest i'll get to having a sister :)

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