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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tell my 5 year old

72 replies

westbest · 09/01/2014 13:59

Basically, partner has grown up son who has recently had a baby. We have a 5 year old together and thus he is an Uncle. I am against my 5 year old being told this as I think its too confusing for him- we never see the older child. My partner is very angry and says I am being deliberately difficult but I feel its unnescessary at this point - why not wait until DS is older?
AIBU?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 09/01/2014 14:16

Nephew doh

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 09/01/2014 14:17

My brother was an uncle at 11 months old, My dc are uncles and auntie at 8,12 and 16. I do not understand where You are coming from

Original poster

westbest · 09/01/2014 14:18

Dp's older son spent many years not wanting to see him and dp was very hurt by it. I do hope that this will be a chance for a fresh start but kind of feel wary too and dont want my son getting upset if his half brother vanishes again!

OP posts:

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 09/01/2014 14:18

YABU, lots of people become aunts and uncles at a young age. Not telling won't change the fact that he is one, and will just cause problems when he's older.

Just tell him. Why on earth wouldn't you want him to know his niece/nephew?

Stinklebell · 09/01/2014 14:18

DH became an uncle at 3, he also has an uncle who is younger than him

It's never been a big deal, he's always known and has never been confused or upset by it.

I'd just tell him

Mckayz · 09/01/2014 14:21

My friend became an aunt the day she was born. Her niece is 5 years older than her and her nephew is 3 days younger.

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell him. He probably won't get it but he knows.

Goldmandra · 09/01/2014 14:21

Uncle is just a word. Its meaning for your DS will be his individual understanding. He won't be hung up about the culturally appropriate image the words conjures up in other people's minds.

I went to school with lots of children whose aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews were also in the school. It was considered hardly worthy of comment.

If it's important to your DP that his son knows how to correctly describe his relationship to the new baby let him go ahead. There isn't anything to be protecting your DS from and it is really not worth falling out over.

Bodypopper · 09/01/2014 14:23

Why didn't your partners son want to see him?

CrazyHneedsSleep · 09/01/2014 14:23

How is it confusing

I have a 5yo brother who was an Uncle to a 10yo when he was born and he now has 2 nieces & 2 nephews (we all do but using youngest as an example)
My Db thinks its great and often tells the older ones off and says he is in charge as he is their uncle

MrsBungle · 09/01/2014 14:23

One of my dh's uncles is a m

lunar1 · 09/01/2014 14:23

You are being absolutely ridiculous and your dh is right. If you didn't want your child to be an uncle then was it a good idea to have a baby with someone with a grown up child?

Your husband had a life and family before you and your ds is an uncle. Lying would be worse.

MrsBungle · 09/01/2014 14:24

Sorry
A month younger than him. There's never been any issues or confusion. I think you're making it into a big deal when it's not.

meditrina · 09/01/2014 14:26

It's unusual, but not unheard of to have young uncles (one of my DC has a friend whose nephew is older than him!).

I think that you just tell him his DBro has a baby. I wouldn't make a point of telling him he's an uncle, but wiuldn't hide it either. When it comes up, you can simply say 'yes, that means his uncle, but he'll just call you by your name as you're so close in age'

CeliaLytton · 09/01/2014 14:30

YABU to worry about telling him he is an uncle, young children have become aunts and uncles for years, 5 is not unusual, ESP with blended families.

YANBU to worry about your son becoming attached to someone who might disappear from his life, but I don't think giving the relationship its proper name would cause this to be worse.

MarthasChin · 09/01/2014 14:32

But your son is an uncle - like it or not. I think the main issue is yours - you are embarrassed of the family dynamics that both you and your step son have children close in age.

ToniViolin · 09/01/2014 14:36

You are being unreasonable, and i can see why your partner is upset with you.

You seem hung up on the 'uncle' thing, which is a non-issue. Lots of children have older siblings ans become aunts and uncles at a young age. I am not sure why you have invented a stigma about this?

Original poster

westbest · 09/01/2014 14:43

I am not embarrassed and nor have I invented a stigma! My Dp's son is extremely unreliable- he comes in and out of our lives and has caused a great deal of hurt over the years! I am trying to protect my son from being hurt and that is all that is behind this!

OP posts:

lunar1 · 09/01/2014 14:45

how old is is your dh's son?

TinyTear · 09/01/2014 14:46

My dad was an uncle when he was born! His nephew is 3 months older than him!

Topaz25 · 09/01/2014 14:49

Lots of young children are uncles or aunts. It simply means they have an older sibling who has had a child. It doesn't entail any responsibilities. I don't see why it would confuse your son if he knows his half brother, even if they are not close. If he doesn't understand the family relationships, maybe doing a family tree together could be a fun project. I can see why your DP might feel that his previous family is being sidelined a bit if you don't tell your child how he is related to the new baby. It would be more confusing for your son if another relative mentioned it and he wondered why he wasn't told by his parents.

Joules68 · 09/01/2014 14:49

Your son will be more hurt by your actions ( his mother) if you interfere in this

It's your dp's family, and you won't be doing your son any favours here by holding back. Just how exactly do you think he will be 'hurt' if he doesn't see much of this part of his family? Plenty of kids cope with this kind of thing!

I think you have an agenda here that you aren't addressing with us/your DP or even yourself

Floggingmolly · 09/01/2014 14:50

Growing up in Ireland in the era of 9+ children families; this was the norm rather than the exception...

What do you think he'll have difficulty with, exactly? and it's not your call to make, anyway

DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance · 09/01/2014 14:51

YABU and massively overthinking it

Solo · 09/01/2014 14:56

My Ds met his half sister when he was 3.5. He saw her maybe 4/5 times over a year and then she moved away and 'disappeared' from his life. She went on to have at least 3 children, the first within 2 years of that move away and I did tell Ds, so he was about 5/6 yo. Didn't make the slightest difference to him.

His father went on to have another son. He doesn't have contact with his father (and nor do I), so I told him about his half brother when I found out, but the half brother was about 5 when I discovered this. Ds was/is fine with it.
I think it's important to be open about the new nephew. He's unlikely to be called Uncle when they are so close in age anyway. Kids adapt well and easily ime.

StuckOnARollercoaster · 09/01/2014 15:09

Definitely overthinking this. I have half brothers that are much older than me and even a quarter sister, and there was a falling out when my dad met my mum and I came along. But I was never shielded from the information that they existed. I never questioned why I didn't see them, but would know who they were on photographs. Only as an adult did I realise that there had been a big family drama.
And funnily enough as we all grew up they've gone on to have kids nearer in age to me and as a family we have reconciled. I'm glad they were never hidden from me and then there was some big reveal when I was considered old enough - when is that even - teenager, 16, 18, 21?

I think this is true about most subjects - tell a version of the truth in an age appropriate way rather than tell a huge fib or pretend it doesn't exist, because I think its more confusing to have to unpick your lies or omittances when the children are older.

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