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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I really am a fecking eejit who should have her mouth taped shut?

79 replies

MsVestibule · 09/01/2014 09:48

My DS's lovely young teacher is 30 weeks pregnant with her first baby. I had a quick chat with her yesterday in the playground, asked her how everything was going.

Now, with my first pregnancy, I was utterly convinced that I would miscarry but started to feel better when I approached the 3rd trimester. I erroneously think that every other new mum-to-be must feel the same. So I said to her "You must feel more comfortable now you're so far along?". She (rationally) assumed I meant physically comfortable so replied "Actually no, I'm trying to get used to the extra bulk and the heartburn is awful!".

Instead of just accepting that, like any sane person would have I explained what I'd actually meant. So basically, I told a heavily pregnant woman that she wasn't out of the woods yet, something could still go wrong Shock.

I am that horribly tactless woman that people complain about on MN. Where's that packing tape...?

OP posts:
diddl · 09/01/2014 11:16

Well, she might have dwelt on it, she might not.

She might have struggled to conceive, or had a MC in the past- noone knows!

Apologies & chocs/flowers sounds a lovely gesture.

livelablove · 09/01/2014 11:33

Op this is why I want some way to N.C in real life! Wouldn't it be nice if you could completely change your identity so no-one would know you and start over!

Original poster
MsVestibule · 09/01/2014 11:42

live, I know! But I think perhaps plastic surgery and a new identity may be a tad extreme in this case Grin.

I'm sure I've said worse over the years, but have very sensibly blocked them from my mind.

OP posts:
Lilacroses · 09/01/2014 11:53

I know what you mean OP, I've done things like that quite unintentionally and people have said similar to me. It IS really difficult around pregnant people sometimes. I have a lovely friend/neighbour who's heavily pregnant, she cornered me at a party to ask about my experience of labour with Dd. My experience was horrendous. I didn't want to say that so I couched it in sort of "well, you know.....it wasn't quite as straightforward as I'd expected but we got there in the end and Dd is fabulous so it's all worth it" She pressed me for further details but I felt it wasn't right to say more, then I felt bad about that too!

Yes, you made a mistake but the way you are worrying about it tells me that you are a lovely person who would never intentionally upset or offend someone!

Not as bad as a dear friend of mine who started lecturing another dear friend who was terminally ill with cancer about the carcinogenic properties of slightly green potatoes! Friend who was ill found it funny, bless her, but other friend who said it was mortified when she realised what she'd said!

QueenThora · 09/01/2014 12:00

It is hard. Often people say "why didn't anyone tell me!!??" after the event but OTOH you don't want to put a downer on a happy pregnancy or make someone's anxiety worse.

In a similar vein I told a male friend who was about to have his first baby that it could be hellish in the first few weeks/months. He was shocked and upset and I felt terrible. When I saw him a few months down the line – pale and haggard, poor bloke! – he said I was right and he was glad they had been warned.

So maybe us blurters can do the world a service. Sometimes...

Topseyt · 09/01/2014 12:05

I am rather a believer in the phrase "when you are in a hole, stop digging".

Perhaps the chocs closer to the time when she is likely to go on maternity leave would be a good idea, but otherwise don't dwell on it. Just keep your gob under control in future.

We can all put our foot in it sometimes. You are not alone, but pregnancy can be a very sensitive time for many people.

fluffyraggies · 09/01/2014 12:39

Oh bless you.

If you're still feeling bad about it why not go to her when it's quiet and simply say something like:

'hi ms.X. About me the other day, blabbering about pregnancy - i really was only telling you about my paranoia, and i'm worrying that i've worried you. I'm so sorry if i have. Take no notice of me!'

or something. Then she'll reply and you can clear the air.

Foot in mouth syndrome is often worse for the offender than the receiver :) Flowers

LiberalLibertine · 09/01/2014 12:45

Urgh bump speculation is the worst!

Ooooo aren't you tiny for 6 months?

Ooooo you look fit to burst is it twins?

ODFOD would have come in handy in my last pg.

I have learnt from my bitter experiences to not say a fucking word except congratulations!

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 13:02

Well, if it makes you feel better, here's a story of a tactless thing I was told.

I have twins, so I was a high risk pregnancy. In between worrying about a particular condition that affects twins which has occurred within my family, I worried about premature birth and SCBU admissions. Fairly normal for anyone carrying twins Grin. But anyway that's the introduction.

So like many mothers of twins, I went into labour prematurely, but it stopped/slowed and then speeded up again for a few days. During a quiet phase with only occasional contractions, I was put on a ward with a pregnant woman who wasn't in labour and was about to go home. She asked me what i was in hospital for. I told her premature labour.

And she started gaily telling me about how a relative of hers had recently gone into premature labour with twins and how the babies hadn't survived. While I was in labour. With hindsight, it may have been uppermost in her mind, but I know that if I had been in her place I would have managed to keep quiet.

She was bloody rude in general, and I was glad when she fucking left.

Unsurprisingly, a couple of days later, when I actually went into full labour and it became clear it was not going to stop this time, I became tdistraught. I remember wailing to a midwife who, knowing how far along they'd got me to, was being happy and supportive to me about the prospective end of labour and meeting my babies. This was the last straw, and the pent-up terror all came out. I burst into tears as they wheeled me down to delivery and wailed, "but they'll die!" (The midwife managed to deal with this unexpected reaction with calm, compassion, and factual information. Grin)

struggling100 · 09/01/2014 13:06

Please don't beat yourself up. Everyone says stupid stuff sometimes, including those laying into you here. I would just apologise if you see her and say that you're mortified, you don't know what you were thinking, and that you worried all night that you might have spooked her. Then leave it!

Preggers women can be a bit neurotic, but they're not made of porcelain. She may well have forgotten all about it straight away. She may have taken it as a personal account of your own neurosis in pregnancy, and may even have felt comforted by that (when I was having a particularly rotten day at work, one of my friends once said 'Do you know, I once got so stressed I jumped out of a window on a similar day. Fortunately it was on the ground floor!'. I didn't take it as a sign that I might attempt suicide - it made me laugh uproariously and feel better that I wasn't the only one tearing my hair out occasionally.

Even if it did worry her, she'll get over it! Smile

AbbeyBartlet · 09/01/2014 13:16

Don't feel too bad - it's easy to say the wrong thing. Everyone has done it at some point. Flowers

Have a Brew

furrypheasant · 09/01/2014 13:22

Ok, I’m possibly being an idiot but I don’t understand why what you said was so bad? My (mis?)interpretation of the OP is that you ended up telling a woman in her third trimester about how you’d personally been scared of miscarriage but that you felt safer in the third trimester. Not exactly a typical thing to say to a pg woman but it’s not like you rambled on about her % chance of stillbirth or anything… I’m due in 5 weeks myself and wouldn’t feel upset by this.

NinaandtheNeurotics · 09/01/2014 13:32

I've read your OP twice just to try and work out what you think you said that was wrong. I can't find anything. So, in my expert opinion, you should stop beating yourself up, not say anything to the teacher and move on.

Says she who lies awake at night berating self in case I might have caused any offense to any one by virtue of my mere existence on the planet

Original poster
MsVestibule · 09/01/2014 13:37

I know, furry - the more I think about it, I realise I've been a bit OTT (nothing new there) about something that's not actually that bad.

I think this thread has helped me think a bit more rationally about what I actually said, rather than what I think I might have said. I've got other stuff happening at the moment and I think perhaps I've been focussing on this 'problem' rather than thinking about the stuff I really should be thinking about.

I've got a small packet of Hotel Chocolat chocolates in the cupboard, so I think I'll just give those to her later and say something along the lines of "Just a little something to keep your energy levels up whole you're running around after the little ones". If she's been stewing over what I've said, she'll (hopefully) know it's an apology, but if she hasn't given what I said a second thought, she'll just think it's a nice gesture.

Thanks again to the MNers have been lovely and made me feel better about my faux pas.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsVestibule · 09/01/2014 13:40

Nina, your name is very appropriate then Grin.

OP posts:
2tiredtocare · 09/01/2014 13:41

I wouldn't worry, you simply said that you felt more comfortable at that stage, comparing it with someone who went on about 2 specific cases of stillbirth is really unfair and taking it out the wrong person

LunaticFringe · 09/01/2014 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pawprint · 09/01/2014 14:56

Oh, I really wouldn't worry about it! We all put our foot in it.

If it helps, I received plenty of tactless comments whilst prey with ds. To put it into context, I'd had four miscarriages prior to this. Here are a few corkers:

  1. "Make sure you don't lose it this time!" Said by a little old man who was just trying to be nice really.
  1. "Oh, well, you know, my second baby died and I bled terribly with my third - there was blood all over the floor etc" - to be fair, this lady (again, elderly) was probably feeling sad about the second baby - in those day, still birth was hushed up and the mum wasn't allowed to see the baby. I could have done without hearing about it, but the reality is that some babies don't make it.
  1. My Grannie, who was at the stage of old age where she kept repeating herself, told me several times how she had been in labour for four days and she and the baby nearly died etc.

I just let it go over my head.

tenementfunster · 09/01/2014 15:00

Hmm by no means ideal but someone said that to me when I was pregnant and actually didn't bother me at all because it was kind of reassuring to know I was past some perceived danger point ( I know it's not necessarily the case)
If you still feel bad, maybe give her a gift when she has the baby?

SlightlyDampWellies · 09/01/2014 15:04

Oh I am hopeless with putting my foot in it. I recall saying to a woman pg with her second (before I had mine) that I thought it was worse to be on your second in terms of labour 'because you know what is coming'. She went white, and I have never forgiven myself.

On the other hand, the best thing anyone ever said to me about labour before I had DC1 was 'it fucking hurts'. Oddly, that made me feel better, because I was terrified of labour and was sick of the 'worth it in the end platitudes'.

Whatever you do- don't give her Fererro Rochers. Nuts and pg you know. ;) (Another thing you may end up beating yourself up about. Said tongue in cheek before anyone has a go at me).

Gladvent · 09/01/2014 15:08

OP totally cringing for you! So normal though. There is a special kind of pregnancy-verbal diarrhea.

When I was pg with PFB, one friend suggested he might be born with two heads. Another friend told me about her friend whose seatbelt had killed their child. I am still friends with them both 9 years later. Wink

Gladvent · 09/01/2014 15:12

Noooooo don't give her the chocolates! You will end up saying 'I don't want these, you have them, you're pregnant and so its ok to be fat, oh I don't mean you are fat, but there's nothing wrong with being fat, arrgghh.'

AutumnStar · 09/01/2014 15:19

Don't worry OP. We've all been there. I'm sure she's probably not given it a second thought.

Chocolates sound nice Smile

JustALittleGreen · 09/01/2014 15:23

I met up with a heavily pregnant friend when dd was about 3 weeks old and told her every last gory detail of my awful birth and how dd and I both almost died and so on so on. In my defence I was still utterly traumatised and just felt like I needed to tell EVERYONE about it for some reason. I only realised what I'd done after she'd had the baby and I was so upset. she was really good about it but I still feel horrible when I think of it 2.5 years later. Don't feel too bad, she probably did take it the way you meant it

JustALittleGreen · 09/01/2014 15:23

I met up with a heavily pregnant friend when dd was about 3 weeks old and told her every last gory detail of my awful birth and how dd and I both almost died and so on so on. In my defence I was still utterly traumatised and just felt like I needed to tell EVERYONE about it for some reason. I only realised what I'd done after she'd had the baby and I was so upset. she was really good about it but I still feel horrible when I think of it 2.5 years later. Don't feel too bad, she probably did take it the way you meant it