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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I really am a fecking eejit who should have her mouth taped shut?

79 replies

MsVestibule · 09/01/2014 09:48

My DS's lovely young teacher is 30 weeks pregnant with her first baby. I had a quick chat with her yesterday in the playground, asked her how everything was going.

Now, with my first pregnancy, I was utterly convinced that I would miscarry but started to feel better when I approached the 3rd trimester. I erroneously think that every other new mum-to-be must feel the same. So I said to her "You must feel more comfortable now you're so far along?". She (rationally) assumed I meant physically comfortable so replied "Actually no, I'm trying to get used to the extra bulk and the heartburn is awful!".

Instead of just accepting that, like any sane person would have I explained what I'd actually meant. So basically, I told a heavily pregnant woman that she wasn't out of the woods yet, something could still go wrong Shock.

I am that horribly tactless woman that people complain about on MN. Where's that packing tape...?

OP posts:
LiberalLibertine · 09/01/2014 10:27

Oh bloody hell, it's not that bad op.

I very much doubt a fumbled conversation after school has kept her awake?!

She probably just thought....please stop taking now Grin

Forget it, don't for gawd sake try and fix it with another explanation!

Original poster
MsVestibule · 09/01/2014 10:27

Thank you, therhubarb Smile. I know what I said was idiotic, hopefully she's of the "forgiving the blabbermouth* type.

facebook what sort of damage control would you recommend?

OP posts:
THERhubarb · 09/01/2014 10:28

If you are that paranoid then buy her some chocs to make up for it. She'll be grateful for the thought and you will have utterly redeemed yourself.

Take no notice of some of the other posters, they clearly are saints themselves. It's bloody obvious that you were not malicious and now regret what you said, so why rub it in?

overfacebook · 09/01/2014 10:30

Just a quick apology and then tell her how fab she looks/how much your dc will miss her when she's on mat leave, something like that! Good luck!

mrsjay · 09/01/2014 10:33

I was always telling pregnnt women they LOOK HUGE and ready to burst now i just avoid pregnant women Grin

worriedabout · 09/01/2014 10:36

So it wasn't tactful or even pleasant and maybe you shouldn't have said it however, most people get fed up of all the sugar coated stories about giving birth and pregnancy.

All the bollocks about how giving birth is a "natural" thing and your body will do what it does best, ie giving birth to a baby. It might be natural but babies and mothers have died during childbirth.

The number of "success" stories I heard were worse and designed to make me feel inadequate when I had a shit time. If someone had told me how bad it could be I would probably have been grateful for the antidote.

SicknSpan · 09/01/2014 10:38

If she wasn't already worried about it, then I don't reckon it is likely that just hearing that someone else was worried will tip her over the edge. Being aware of other peoples' concerns does not make a person share those concerns, even if there are pregnant hormones around :).

I wouldn't fret too much OP but a "sorry if what I said yesterday scared you" in the playground will mark you out as a particularly kind person I'd have thought. It would in my books anyway.

Wuxiapian · 09/01/2014 10:39

Tactless, yes. But, it's done now - try to forget and move on.

maddy68 · 09/01/2014 10:39

Yes you shouldn't have said it. But it wasn't done with malice.
I would explain how paranoid you were and you didn't mean that she should be. But I wouldn't go on and on about it. Just a quick apology otherwise your in danger of offending her again lol

Gennacy · 09/01/2014 10:43

Dont ever speak to her again! write her a note, or better yet draw a picture :P
I'm sure she will be fine, If you feel bad, explain yourself. I am sure she will either have forgotten or it didn't register to her what you were saying.

CalmaLlamaDown · 09/01/2014 10:44

Oh dear, why on earth would you say that?! She'll be on maternity leave after half term presumably so you only have a few weeks left to face her..

Original poster
MsVestibule · 09/01/2014 10:46

Thank you to everybody who, whilst acknowledging it was a stupid thing to say, have told me to forget it or try to gently make amends. You're all lovely Smile.

OP posts:
QueenThora · 09/01/2014 10:50

Oh Vestibule - don't beat yourself up. Basically what you were saying was she's reached a point where she can worry less, so it's not that bad. As a terrible worrier myself, especially when pg, I would have known exactly what you meant.

A neighbour told me when I was about 38 weeks pg, and had recently moved into our house, that another woman on the street had been pregnant recently but then lost the baby to a stillbirth! What you said wasn't as bad as that and I've forgiven my neighbour.

And if it's any consolation I have my foot in my mouth the entire time and am constantly cringing to myself about crap I've come out with. It's a big reason I don't use Facebook or Twitter - it would be out there forever!

THERhubarb · 09/01/2014 10:52

Look, as she's preggers, get one of those small boxes of Lindt chocs or the 3 pack of Ferrero Rochers and hand them to her with a friendly smile after school saying something like "sorry, I have a big mouth and a tendency of putting my foot in it. I really do hope it all goes well for you and we'll miss you whilst you are away."

That would be an extremely kind gesture that you can't possibly get wrong.

And I do hope that next time one of the more 'unkind' posters puts their foot in it by mistake, they remember their own narky responses to you and feel a tad ashamed of themselves. Because we can all make these mistakes when trying too hard and your only crime was that you tried too hard and it came out wrong.

Smile
mrsjay · 09/01/2014 10:53

I think it is ok to say that sort of thing friends or people close to you your worries and fears but not really somebody random I think that is why you feel such a fool you are indeed an eejit dont worry

GideonKipper · 09/01/2014 10:53

Oh OP, it was probably a bit of a left- field thing to come out with but I'm sure the teacher won't be dwelling on it. I agree with Maddy68: a very quick "Sorry about yesterday, don't know what I was thinking of being all doom and gloom!" then forget it.

We all say daft things - I bumped into one of DH's friends and his new wife a few weeks after we'd been to their wedding. God knows what possessed me but I stood there grinning manically and saying, "So! Any news?!" while nodding in the direction of her stomach area. They very politely replied "Um, no, not really," while probably thinking "Wtf?".

Aargh! Still cringe now when I think about it.

Riprap63 · 09/01/2014 10:54

From one bigmouth to another, here's hoping we improve soon. Don't beat yourself up.

GideonKipper · 09/01/2014 10:55

Yes, that's a good idea Rhubarb.

notso · 09/01/2014 10:57

One of DS1's friends said something similar to me when I was 8 months pg with DC4. I am really laid back about this kind of thing and wasn't bothered but she came round half an hour later in tears full of apologies.

TalkativeJim · 09/01/2014 11:00

Oh no!!

You're obviously a really nice person OP - cringe away. We've all done it.

I agree that it's probably best not to bring it up again.

But if you're anything like me you'll be so mortified that you won't be able to NOT apologise as it'll eat away at you...then you'll feel bad all over again...

You can usually tell a stirring nosey horrible nasty-comment type person from a genuine foot-in-mouth-er. I'm sure she understands!

tiredbutstillsmiling · 09/01/2014 11:01

I agree with rhubarb, lovely sentiment.

What you said wasn't with malice but it would've upset me but only as I've had a MC and every day of this pg I'm fearing the worst. You don't know about her past experiences so you don't know whether she ignored the comment or took it to heart.

Apology and chocolates def needed!

Topaz25 · 09/01/2014 11:02

After having a miscarriage, I am much more aware that things can go wrong and a pregnancy will not automatically result in a healthy baby. I sometimes feel sorry for people who assume it will. I have to be careful not to share my concerns with pregnant women.

Hopefully she didn't take it badly and realised you were just talking about your own feelings and fears during pregnancy. I would be extra nice to her in future but not mention this incident again, trying to explain or apologise might dig the hole deeper! Everybody makes mistakes and at least you weren't malicious. encyclogirl's colleague sounds much worse!

diddl · 09/01/2014 11:11

Of course it's that bad.

The poor woman misinterpreted, & OP still went on to say what she meant!

Perhaps you need to apologise!

WhenWhyWhere · 09/01/2014 11:12

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I bet she didn't dwell on it all night like some posters have suggested Confused I bet she just thought you were explaining it badly.

Original poster
MsVestibule · 09/01/2014 11:14

I had the stupid comments when I was pregnant too. At 18 weeks, I had no obvious bump. My Dad hadn't seen me for a few weeks and when I walked into his house, he said "You can't even tell you're pregnant! Are you sure the poor little thing's not dead?". I had a fairly small bump for the rest of the pregnancy and had a few "I hope everything's OK, you're very small" comments from other people too but I can't say I was that bothered about them.

I'm telling myself that what I said is no worse than somebody saying "It's such a relief to get past the 12 week stage, isn't it?" and will leave well alone. I just know it's entirely possible I've built this into far more than it actually is and if I apologise, she'll wonder what on earth I'm talking about.

I clearly have too much time on my hands.

OP posts: