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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think partner should do more after work?

62 replies

CrispyCrochet · 07/01/2014 18:30

Possibly been done before but...

DS1 is 1mo old on Friday & DP has gone back to work. Historically he has always come home from work and immediately sat on the couch & played on his phone (sometimes for an hour or more). AIBU to think that there isn't time for this now? Especially as he is also training for a marathon.

I just want to check before I jump on him about doing things when he gets through the door. I know he needs down time once home from work but if he is choosing to run a marathon am I fair to think his down time is his running time?

Not to mention the dinner needs doing!

Am I just being a sour cow or AIBR?

OP posts:
HoratiaDrelincourt · 07/01/2014 18:36

Working out of the house doesn't mean you do nothing at home. SAHPing doesn't leave lots of spare hours for housework - maybe the odd load of washing or pushing a hoover, but quite a lot of actual, y'know, parenting.

Sharing chores when at home is Part Of Being An Adult. It sucks but there it is. If you don't want to, get to a financial position to have staff for all the housework.

Mumsnet usually offers as a rule of thumb that each parent should have an equal amount of free time. If the WOHP goes to the gym at lunchtime, that half-hour counts; if baby has a two-hour nap and SAHP plays on MN, that counts. If WOHP works through lunch and SAHP irons while baby sleeps, that doesn't count as free time.

CMOTDibbler · 07/01/2014 18:37

YANBU. He gets down time on the way home, and while running. With a tiny baby he needs to be coming in the door, taking ds from you so you get a break, then cooking dinner/ bathing the baby/doing washing or whatever, then you both get a break once baby in bed and house sorted.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 07/01/2014 18:38

But on the other hand, a few minutes to get changed, have a poo, make a cup of tea, etc when the WOHP gets home is also fair enough. Resist throwing baby at him the second he gets through the door and promptly buggering off to the pub.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 07/01/2014 18:38

Now is the time to establish good shared parenting (top tip from my bitter, failed experience). Do give him some time when he gets back to change, have a pee, gently bounce off the walls for a bit but from then on it's all hands to the pump.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 07/01/2014 18:39

My dh has always done the bath bottle bed routine, so when he got in from work and I was on mat leave, he would see to dd and I would either cook, have a bath, or just sit and enjoy a brew in peace.

Does he do anything at the weekends or does it all fall to you by default?

Joysmum · 07/01/2014 18:51

Personally, I looked at the time and intensity of my husbands job, versus the time and intensity of the responsibility of being a SAHM.

This isn't going to be popular on mumsnet, but my husband got the raw end of the deal based on that criteria so I've never expected or wanted him to do much at home. Obviously he wanted to do things, but never was pressured to do so. For others, it may well be that their partners only do a 9-5 type job with very little stress or pressure, unlike my hubby.

Of course, I had my stressful shit days too and on those days, one glance would show him I would benefit from help and he'd do it and be happy that he was able to make a difference.

morethanpotatoprints · 07/01/2014 18:56

Joysmum

I'm with you. Grin
Mine will do things to help the house run smoothly all the time.
It might not be washing up, putting washing on, bathing kids (when they were little) but he did and still does all the DIY, garden, decorating, etc.
There were many nights he came home and slumped in front of tv and I'd still be going till 9pm, it doesn't matter in the greater scheme of things.

flossy101 · 07/01/2014 18:59

My DH does bath, milk, bed routine with our DS and has done since he was born. He gets to spend time with DS while I sort dinner/have a minute.

I do majority of stuff during the week as I'm part time now, but we share at weekends.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 07/01/2014 19:01

Joysmum that's a fair point, but it sounds like you've got a good'un who doesn't consider himself automatically off duty the second he leaves the office.

Back2Basics · 07/01/2014 19:02

I do think if your the SAHP you should be doing the majority. I know I feel shattered walking through the door after picking dc up and getting home. I chuck dinner on, make a cuppa and get left alone for a good half hour to breath.

Commuting does not equal down time WTF seriously? Commuting is stressful.

I'm not saying you should do everything OP or make yourself a martyr, but staying at home is not the same as working full time.

Fairenuff · 07/01/2014 19:03

Work out how much free time you each have.

Free time is when you get to choose how you spend it and who with so does not include time when you are in charge of the baby.

Free time should be fairly equal.

Provided you are both getting equal free time to use as 'down time' or keeping up with friends or hobbies, the rest of your time can be spent on working, childcare and household chores.

Mintyy · 07/01/2014 19:06

"I'm not saying you should do everything OP or make yourself a martyr, but staying at home is not the same as working full time."

No, with a one month old baby it is a lot harder, imvho!

Back2Basics · 07/01/2014 19:10

Oh come on, I loved having a baby (did it twice) and all the nice coffee mornings with friends and reading tons of books while the baby played on the floor/in bouncer. I am actually tempted to do it again just for the mat leave.

CoffeeTea103 · 07/01/2014 19:10

I'm with you joysmum. My DH has a very stressful job and works long hours. I do everything at home. He would love to do more and he does when he can, but other than that I'm happy to do all because I know he will step up whenever I need help.
Op yanbu, your dp should help out more.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 07/01/2014 19:11

Thanks op this is a good thread

I'm sahm & get irritated every time I hear " but, I've been at work all day or week"
This point if view regarding equal free time puts things into perspective as dh is always competing for who is most tired, who works the hardest. He does cook at the weekend if u ask, yet to master washing up/dishwasher tho.

Jemma1111 · 07/01/2014 19:12

Back2basics

I'd say that staying at home is often HARDER than working full time .

HoratiaDrelincourt · 07/01/2014 19:12

I think some people have had easy babies - when my ML ran out I went to work for a break, even though it was high-pressured, time-critical etc. Because I got to choose when to eat or go to the loo, for a start.

KingRollo · 07/01/2014 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SashaOfSiberia · 07/01/2014 19:18

I have always got a lot more out of my DH and vice versa if we have half an hour when we come in from work. DH will normally come in, say hello, grab a beer and go off for a shower and a play on his iPad. I usually get a tea and flop on the bed.

I could never wind down on my commute as it was usually a rushed battle.

I don't think its about comparing who has it harder, but working out what's works for both. You can presumably wait half hour and he can give up half hour of his phone playing time.

IsItMeOr · 07/01/2014 19:21

Well, you haven't met my DH then KingRollo.

DH knows it's often easier to go to work then stay at home as we both work part time and share childcare responsibilities.

Fairenuff · 07/01/2014 19:21

KingRollo my dh does it and always has.

Right from birth he did his share of night feeds/night waking, did the bath, story, bedtime routine when he got home from work. He cooks most evening meals and we share all the household chores between us.

He does all this because it needs doing and he is their father. He has a great relationship with them and is a fantastic role model.

Loads of men do, although it's fair to say you might only hear about the ones that don't because their partners complain about it.

No complaints here!

hettie · 07/01/2014 19:36

back2basics... did you just do the baby thing? Because all day at home with a toddler (and horrors, baby and toddler, or non-verbal toddler, petulant pre-school aged child) is another thing altogether. OP is talking about a baby, but if she's thinking of becoming a SAHP parent better to be clear about these things now. I have worked in 2 of (allegedly according to surveys) the most stressful professions, one of which was a 60 hour a week gig and the most exhausted and mental drained I've ever been was as a SAHP. By 5 p.m I was broken and in need of assistance, by 6 I was like a zombie.... Oh and not all dc, gurgle helpfully on play mats whist you read Hmm

MyNameIsKenAdams · 07/01/2014 19:39

I now work FT after having dd two years ago. I have a stressfull job, customer facing, with stupid stupid shift patterns. It is easier than being off work, however I enjoy my dds company and wish I could spend more time with her (even though I find it more challenging).

firesidechat · 07/01/2014 19:41

Personally, I looked at the time and intensity of my husbands job, versus the time and intensity of the responsibility of being a SAHM.

This isn't going to be popular on mumsnet, but my husband got the raw end of the deal based on that criteria so I've never expected or wanted him to do much at home. Obviously he wanted to do things, but never was pressured to do so. For others, it may well be that their partners only do a 9-5 type job with very little stress or pressure, unlike my hubby.

Of course, I had my stressful shit days too and on those days, one glance would show him I would benefit from help and he'd do it and be happy that he was able to make a difference.

I tend to agree with this too. My husband also had a very demanding job and a long commute. If he hadn't had some chance to relax at the end of the day he would have been totally burnt out. I definitely had more time to relax than he did. But he would always take care of things if needed and wanted to spend time with the children if they were still awake.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/01/2014 19:48

I do think the SAHP should do the bulk of the housework as they are at home all day but opinions vary. Most of MN think the man should work all day to provide then come home and start again.

If he has free time for sports then you should have time for a hobby too if you so desire.