AIBU to think partner should do more after work?

[CrispyCrochet]

Possibly been done before but...

DS1 is 1mo old on Friday & DP has gone back to work. Historically he has always come home from work and immediately sat on the couch & played on his phone (sometimes for an hour or more). AIBU to think that there isn't time for this now? Especially as he is also training for a marathon.

I just want to check before I jump on him about doing things when he gets through the door. I know he needs down time once home from work but if he is choosing to run a marathon am I fair to think his down time is his running time?

Not to mention the dinner needs doing!

Am I just being a sour cow or AIBR?

I think you weigh up the individual situation. There shouldn't be any need to add up the exact number of free hours each partner has. There are all sorts of factors, like how much work the baby is and how tired you are from night feeds. I found maternity leave (after the first couple of months) infinitely easier than working full time (which I do again now). DD was easy company, I had a great social life with her and when she napped I kept on top of the chores. We both pretty much had free evenings in those days. BUT babies go through phases and DD is much more work now, at weekends, and now I work full time, we work together to get the chores done in the evenings. When DH works longer hours than me, I do more chores. Generally it should balance out naturally but if you need to, allocate duties that you/he always do so you both know where you stand.

You need to find what works for you. If he doesn't do bath-bed, what does he do - mornings? Night feeds? Chores after baby is in bed?

Most SAHP aren't at home all day though. And many of us only get to sit down when we are bfing yet again. I couldn't do housework all day without neglecting my children.

hettie I had two 17 months apart. I loved being home and not having to go into work. I didn't go back to work properly till youngest was 4 and in school.

Ok yes doing nothing feels shit, the less you do the less you want to do but.. when you can be bothered and make an effort to go out for lunches and coffees at softplay ect being a SAHP is lovely and not hard. I now do everything I did before I went back to work plus work and that now is absolutely killing me. So hard being so tired.

Thats why childminders are childminders ^^

I'm on mat leave just now with a four month old and I do all the cooking and housework. My DH chips in if I'm tired or whatever but it's my responsibility. I don't mind at all, I much prefer it that he can spend a bit of time with the baby when he gets in from work. He does most of the night feeds though!

Should say too that we didn't plan it like that, it just happened. I definitely see being at home as the one who does the lions share of the chores.

"Most of MN think the man should work all day to provide then come home and start again."

No, not at all, I don't think most of MN think this for a minute.

But, if we are looking at man at work, woman at home looking after children, then the following points are entirely relevant:

Sahm and children are not beholden to the man for "providing". Presumably the decision to have children was a mutual one and the decision of one person to sahm was a mutual one. Therefore those dependents do not owe the wohp anything.

If sahm was not there then wohp would have to pay for childcare and do their own cleaning, shopping and laundry, or outsource all those and pay someone to do them for him. A not inconsiderable sum.

If the man did not have a wife or children he would also still have to do his own washing, shopping and cleaning! Fancy!!

Living in a partnership and having children does not mean you can offload all the domestic stuff on your other half, whether they work or not, whether you earn hundreds of thousands a year or not, whether you work 80 hours per week or not.

It is SO unattractive in a man. Ime, the most unattractive character trait there is.

I let my partner come in, I make him a cup of tea allow him to have said tea n a shower. Then he takes over, if I'm lucky i have a nap, or more often than not start dinner for LG and us, tho I shut myself off in kitchen, put my music on and use this as a bit of me time (and I don't like cooking) !

Think sahm n working full time has different challenges, I can't really say ive had a hard day today when gone out for coffee n lunch. Though from Dp being off when LG is having an off day. He understands why I'm out of the house most of the day.

Dp running should be less at the mo, or done when yourlo is asleep. Though at 1mo I'm sure their not in a 7pm bedtime yet and if it is in the evenin it will eat into your time together, as with a newborn I was in bed for 9 10 latest

It's to do with what the job is like, what the commute is like, what the child is like, what the parent's personalities are like etc.

There is no "right" answer.

From my personal POV, working full time is easier than looking after a child/ren, and I get a seat on the train so I do see my commute as a real opportunity for downtime - reading / thinking / staring quietly out the window.

DH I think finds working harder than looking after the children and would rather be home more.

There's no point in people saying categorically one thing or another as it just won't be true for someone else.

In OPs case I would say however that her DHs ideas need to change as he has a family now, and cannot spend all his time when he is not at work doing things which only benefit him (relaxing on the sofa & training for a marathon).

Wow, do we still talk about "man the provider" and "wife the SAHM running everything at home?" I thought we were in the 21st century.

By staying at home caring for his child, you are enabling him to go out to work. It's your chosen role in the team that a marriage is and is every bit as valid as his, because if you weren't prepared to do it, he'd have to spend a huge part of "his" salary in outsourcing the role. It's unsavoury to talk about caring for your precious baby in these terms, but it's the bottom line really.

Do NOT de-value your role, just because it doesn't bring in a specific salary.

In theory i agree that there should be a 50/50 split in free time. But realistically, if he is going to do full on training for a marathon then thats not going to happen in the short term.

When i trained for a marathon during a busy period at work (before pregnancy) i went months on end without doing any housework, or a single load of washing, as i was either running, working or sleeping. Luckily, my dh was very supportive. I've tried to be equally supportive to his goals at other times, and think that it balances out over time.

Did you realise the time commitment involved when he signed up for it, and discuss this together? It doesn't sound like you are on board really, which isn't fair on you, as it has a big impact on your life. Is he seeing it as a short term thing, and will readdress the balance after the race?

(i know you say running is ok, as long as he is doing family stuff at all other times, but i think people do need to switch off a bit too sometimes)

OK, so if he lived alone, would he come in, twiddle on his phone for an hour and then go for a run? When would he eat, clear up, put on his laundry, clean the bathroom, iron his shirt etc... Presumably he'd have to do those things then?

OP, I suggest that when he gets in and sits and does nothing you join him. When the baby cries and dinner does not magically materialise you could look a little confused and perhaps wonder out loud where all the baby-feeding dinner-cooking fairies have gone.

Mine gets in, helps put kids to bed straight away and then eats the meal I've prepared and then does a few jobs (recycling stuff, bins, makes his own lunch). He sits down properly about 8 unless he wants to crack on with hobbies.

Let him have ave some time to depress and then hand baby over.

Decompress rather than depress

SAH/WAH - the H means Home.

DH has been working from home for 2 months (praise be the ceiling has fallen down in the storms) and in that time I've not lifted a finger. Not even at weekends, I've been ousted as chief cook and bottle washer! My dinner is on the table, the washing and ironing is done, the house is clean. The only thing I do is shopping and clean the bathroom.

This whole martyrdom of 'house work' and 'meals' does annoy me. Whacking the hoover round, fluffing up a few cushions, straightening the duvet, loading the dishwasher does not take all day. Anyone who cannot manage to grill a chop, shove a jacket potato in the oven, and microwave some veg needs a stern talking to and possibly a few lessons in multi-tasking.

It is indulgent idleness for the most part.

Bohemiangirl

And where's your baby or babies/toddlers in all this ?

You haven't mentioned them ! Are they stuck in a high chair all day or left to amuse themselves?

I agree with BohemianGirl. What the hell kind of mansions are you all living in that you need to spend all day cleaning them? I've been a single parent since the day my son was born, whilst also studying for a PhD and I manage to keep my house clean and not neglect my child. A whip around with the vacuum a couple of times a week, run the steam mop over, fill and empty the dishwasher as needed and put a load of washing through. Put the toys away after DS goes to bed and do a quick tidy up. An hour or so a day, tops.

Bohemian and Midnite - depends very much on the DC(S) you are caring for, I suspect.

Ours was a terrible sleeper/napper and we were consequently wrecked through sleep deprivation ourselves. Keeping up with anything was difficult.

Everyone is entitled to some down time when they've just walked through the door but then he needs to pitch in.

But also you could think of ways to make life easier for both like getting in food that requires v little prep for a while. I am expecting dc2 and if anyone (mum or mil) asks if they can help I'm going to ask them to make me pasta sauces etc I cam freeze - obviously I will pay for ingredients!

DH does far more around the house than I do. My job is much more stressful than his so he is generally fine with it. I would pay for the cleaner to do more hours if he was not fine with it. The two things he does not really do are cook or shop (mainly done on line), but can manage this if i am not around. He does pretty much all the laundry and general clearing up. I always feel a little guilty when i read these types of threads as I am the one who uses my job as an "excuse" to do less around the house. He does have more hobbies though so is out more during the day at weekends (although not to a ridiculous extent).

I cant remember what it was like when I was on maternity leave (too long ago), but we have twins so i suspect it was all hands to the pumps!

I also don't know why people talk about the housework as it taking all day...
with 2 under 2 it still only took up a little bit of the day - the kids were not stuck in a high chair/baby bouncer - they were in the same room as me hitting pans, rolling around on a playmat, shoving things in a bowl, and tipping it out again then hitting each other with the bowl , exploring the fluff behind the sofa... and when old enough wiping stuff - skirting boards have NEVER been so clean....

mine didn't nap - so I got no time off in the day, but they did go to sleep in the evening... so DH and I got "downtime" together - win/win

DP works 12 hour shifts. when he does a day shift he comes in sorts DD into sleepsuit, feeds her and puts her to bed. he does this because he wants to, I've never asked him to do it. I get her up so he puts to bed. we share housework and he does a lot with DD. I don't expect him to come in and do loads of housework because his job is exhausting.

For what it's worth, although I do think SAHP shouldn't be responsible for all the housework, I do think it's reasonable to be responsible for what's created by the SAHPing - eg lunch dishes, toy mess, etc.

Just a thought OP - I work long shifts FT, and am acutley aware of the pressures on my DP (sahm to 3 kids). I like to run, so I get up stupid early, when all others are asleep - to go for a run. I feel too guilty to do it on the family time. When I get home after 12 hr shift, I shower and change, sort the kids out for bed before I have my tea - chuck a load of washing on, load up tumble drier, run a hoover round then chill out with Dp. On my days off its pretty much 50/50.