AIBU to think partner should do more after work?

[CrispyCrochet]

Possibly been done before but...

DS1 is 1mo old on Friday & DP has gone back to work. Historically he has always come home from work and immediately sat on the couch & played on his phone (sometimes for an hour or more). AIBU to think that there isn't time for this now? Especially as he is also training for a marathon.

I just want to check before I jump on him about doing things when he gets through the door. I know he needs down time once home from work but if he is choosing to run a marathon am I fair to think his down time is his running time?

Not to mention the dinner needs doing!

Am I just being a sour cow or AIBR?

his whole martyrdom of 'house work' and 'meals' does annoy me. Whacking the hoover round, fluffing up a few cushions, straightening the duvet, loading the dishwasher does not take all day. Anyone who cannot manage to grill a chop, shove a jacket potato in the oven, and microwave some veg needs a stern talking to and possibly a few lessons in multi-tasking

I totally agree! I have 3 DS and a 5-bed house (not boasting, just scene-setting!) -you do these things around the children. Unless your house is truly enormous, you can't be very good at organising your time if you can't manage this. I suspect it's a case of too much mumsnetting rather than actually playing with your kids for 9 hours a day that's preventing it getting done sometimes, though in sure people would argue otherwise.

If your child or you is ill-that's different and everything goes out of the window but otherwise, keeping the house basically hoovered and tidy, putting a load of washing on a day and making meals can be done with several small children if you put your mind to it.

I fail to see how anyone who loves their partner could come home from work, find their OH stressed out trying to feed baby, clean the loo and get the laundry folded and just sit on their arse watching them or playing computer games.

There will be days when the SAHP gets everything done, so once both parents have put baby to bed and cooked dinner, they can eat together and relax.

There will also be days where baby has screamed and demanded attention all day, possibly been ill or teething, and nothing else will have been done at home. One those days, both parents should muck in together until it's all done.

It's not about "expecting hard-working men to do 50% of the housework". It's about hardworking men not sitting on their arses relaxing once they get home while their hardworking partner continues to do her demanding job well into the evening without a break.

No, SAHPs shouldn't spend all day being lazy and leaving everything for their DP to do when they get home. But I imagine it's a rare case that this happens.

As others have said, it's about equal leisure and down time. DH and I have always mucked in together of an evening until all the jobs are done, whether I was SAH or WOH.

I'm the wohp and dp is the sahd so I can sympathise with th other side a bit. up to a point.

in our situation I come home after a briefish bike ride home (35minutes) which is and is not down time.

I come through the door and hear dp excitedly announce my arrival home (this is important. it signals my part in the whole childcare thing). our is nigh impossible to ignore a cheery "mummy's home!" without wanting to scoop up my 16m old.
I then play daft games with him and carry him about, maybe change his nappy if it needs doing. Dp cooks the meal.
I lay the table and get ds into his high chair and bibbed up. more games and fun during dinner, then I take ds out of his high chair and let him toddle about. sometimes I wash yo, sometimes dp does it. The non washer upper runs the bath.

toddler splashes In the bath, often to an audience of both parents.
we both get him into pjs and sleeping bag (more fun and tickles with this) and clean our teeth all together.
then one or other (its 50:50) reads two stories and sits with him a bit too help him settle. If I'm honest, I should do this more than 50% of the time, as dp has had him all day. I also think I should cook more often but can generally not face doing it as soon as I walk through the door.

I also feel a bit aggrieved that I don't get much screen time. I can't read my emails or browse stuff on the web during the day and then not at night, either (whereas dp had ds's nap times for that). we have no tv so that isn't an issue. sometimes I need a bit of headspace, especially if it's been a stressful day. I negotiate a bath when I do. Dp is very understanding of it (I'm 6m pregnant) but I still feel guilty. He rarely has a bath. I suspect he gets his headspace in small chunks in the day, or when ds naps.

as to housework, we do very little in the evenings, but at weekends we both do it, though I suspect I don't do my share .
I think the homecoming enthusiasm is a major factor in my wanting to take ds from dp (even before I've taken off my coat). I'm keen to plug myself into the family as soon as I walk in.

OP HERE!

Thanks everyone for your comments. I have to admit after reading all the posts I have had a bit of post-posting guilt...

My DP does work over 1 hour away from home & his job is fairly intense. I definitely agree with several people that a commute is most definitely not downtime. My guilt came when some posters pointed out that free time counts as web browsing/tv watching/etc - so while I am staying at home at the minute with a 1mo I am watching a fair bit of telly, reading & using the computer a fair bit. So I may have a babe stuck on my boob while doing these things - I am also getting to engage in recreational activities that provide me with enjoyment. I know DP works hard and he deserves down time - as does every human.

I was definitely not trying to make myself a martyr or claiming that I am not capable of doing the house work/cooking/etc. DS does sleep a bit and also goes in the baby carrier so I can get most chores done during the day (although I've not managed bleaching the bathroom yet). I think my annoyance (and the reason I posted) is just because I am very much a "do it now - relax later" type person. So ideally I'd like my DP to rush in, change clothes & go out for his run - THEN when he comes back, after dinner, bathing baby, etc he could have his downtime playing on his phone on the sofa.

I think what a few other posters have said - is that each family needs to figure out what works for them and the important thing is - if one of you is feeling short changed you just need to speak to the other about it. So maybe I'll take my own advice and just talk to DP about my preferences for when he does his marathon training.

Well I have 3 dc. 10, 8 and 16 months. Dh works long hours and he does very little when he gets home in the evenings. I keep things ticking over during the day, dishwasher, laundry, general tidying and ad hoc housework.
I find it incredibly hard to keep on top of things. Baby always seems to sleep when in car or out so rarely get downtime when asleep. If I tidy she just makes more mess.
Also still wakes several times a night.
At least now he does look after 16 month old so I get abit of abreak.
O and I am self employed too.
Wish he would do more. Does much less than me at weekends too. Especially during football season.

I'm conscious of not pulling my weight at the moment, I'm part time but 48 hours/week husband at home with baby. I'm looking at taking back the laundry as feel guilty when it is all done.

I think it depends on the baby, housework standards and obviously how stressful your DH's job is (although unless people have done the job themselves, how do they know).

I found being at work easier than being at home with a baby. When I was a SAHM I expected DH to help as soon as he got in from work. We would both relax when the children were in bed.

Good on you OP, I think talking is definitely the way forward. It needs to be an agreeable compromise between everyone. I know that I'm someone who can't walk through the door after a day at work and suddenly start running around doing housework. I pour a glass of wine, change clothes, check email/facebook, then look around and see what needs to be done. It's a mental "switching" between home and work.

Could you also look at some things that might make things easier for all of you? Your first post seemed to suggest that you expect him to come home and cook every night. Perhaps on the weekend you could work together to cook a batch of meals to go in the freezer? Simple casseroles, curries, etc, then you just have to cook up some rice/pasta to go with it. Or invest in a slow cooker where you can throw the ingredients in the pot in the morning and just leave them all day, so it's ready when he comes home. It will take the pressure off both of you while you're adjusting to life with a new baby.

Midnite - before DS we really shared cooking 50/50. I only prefer him to cook as he is a much better natural chef than me (I need a recipe whereas he just whips up delicious meals from a fridge full of random ingredients!) We do have a slow cooker - today I chopped an onion & threw in a few other bits & tada we had a lovely & very tasty split pea dahl for dinner.

A hundred thumbs up to mintyy's post

It wasn't the housework that took the time, it was the parenting. I was a SAHM because I wanted to be there to parent. It was the clubs, the parks, the feeding the ducks, the exposing DD to life and learning that took up the time.

I rarely had days where I couldn't cope, but then we only have one child (those of you with a few kids, I salute you!).

So in my case, I've always wanted to have the time hubby is home as quality family time. I became a master if one pot cooking and batch cooking so in the evening the meal was easy. I'd never wash up or clear away until the morning. There really was no work to do. Hubby liked to bath and put DD to bed if he was home in time and hadn't had the day from hell. Neither of us saw those things as chores though, just quality family time.

Quality family time is the other thing we gained with the decision for me to be a SAHM. I have to be honest and say it wasn't something that we'd thought about when talking about our options before trying to conceive, just something that we realised was just as important to us as a family once we'd appreciated the benefits. If I'd gone back to work, he'd have needed to take a half share in everything I did as a SAHM. It benefits all of us that his time when not at work is spent enjoying our family, rather than traipsing round Asda!

Tbh, I only ever doubt my value to our family when everyone else except him plants seeds of doubt in my mind. I have to say that more seeds of doubt have been planted and cultivated by so called 'feminists' than by men. Feminists constantly degrade SAHM's and there are many examples of that on this forum all the time. The feminists are the greatest enemy on a woman's right to choose to be a SAHM

I do think the SAHP should do the bulk of the housework as they are at home all day

What about a WAHP?