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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not contact anyone

56 replies

wifey6 · 05/01/2014 20:01

I am always the one messaging/emailing friends & family to maintain our relationships/friendships & decided enough was enough & it's been nearly a week now & I've heard from no-one. I also always remember birthdays/special occasions yet hardly anyone does for me, DH & our DCs
AIBU about stepping back & not contacting friends/family first.

OP posts:
monkeynuts123 · 05/01/2014 20:03

Don't do it and wait and see how long it takes them.

PedlarsSpanner · 05/01/2014 20:05

it's fine to do this

do try to do stuff in the time you will have saved by not chasing folk, stuff that you want to do; none of this ooh it's January I'm gonna cut down on blah blah, NO! start doing stuff - craft, reading poetry aloud, join a choir, more walking and connecting with nature

and fuck 'em, you don't need deadweight deadbeats

Original poster
wifey6 · 05/01/2014 20:09

Pedlars - I absolutely agree..me & DH have said after a tough few years (babyloss & anxious pregnancy) this is our year to truly enjoy this happy time with our DCs

Monkey - it will be interesting to see how long it takes. A lot of them only contact me first when they want something...well...I won't be available/willing to help.

OP posts:
Iloveonionchutney · 05/01/2014 20:14

I have done this and feel much better about it now, I walked away from a group of people and it's now been 4 years and not one has been in touch! Never had it with family though but friends I have left behind and would again. I do have some who may not speak for l

Sweetishdelight · 05/01/2014 20:16

Have you considered that perhaps they don't care that much for you anyway? If they want to see/speak to you, they will make time to contact you. If they don't, it's because they don't wan to. Simples.

Iloveonionchutney · 05/01/2014 20:16

Oops, that meant to be, I have friends where we don't speak for months but will be there in a shot of needed and we just pick up and carry on.

Original poster
wifey6 · 05/01/2014 20:18

Ilove - good for you, sounds liberating. Shocking in 4 years none of them have contacted you. Clearly the right decision.

Sweet - yes that has absolutely crossed my mind, I guess as it's mostly family, I would like to think they think more of me & my DCs.

OP posts:
RandyRudolf · 05/01/2014 20:21

I get this. They eventually get in touch but only because they're bored and think 'oh, you can I bother. Oh randyrudolf, she's always free'

tilliebob · 05/01/2014 20:21

I am the same as you - took a lot of numbers off my phone on NYD and am stepping back. It's always me who organises stuff and gets the stress when numbers change and people back out, etc. Not feeling the most sociable at the mo anyway. Thinking of ditching twitter and FB accounts too!

Original poster
wifey6 · 05/01/2014 20:22

Randy- how do you deal with it when they do get in touch? Do you reply?

OP posts:
Original poster
wifey6 · 05/01/2014 20:25

tilliebob- must be that time of the year..Smile
Yes, I've also thought of ditching FB - so decided to delete those I haven't had contact with or feel I will.

OP posts:
mrspremise · 05/01/2014 20:35
Emilycee · 05/01/2014 20:35

I did this Wifey. It was a relief to be honest. In most of the cases the friendlships had ran their course, it frees up more time to spend on you, your family and your closer friends and not spreading yourself too thinly.

Fuck em. They know where you are if they want to make some effort! (That was my motto anyway!)

tilliebob · 05/01/2014 20:38

I just feel I spend too much time on FB (whilst telling the dcs to get away from a screen and DO SOMETHING!!) and there's too much passive aggressive shite on there, or folks popping up only when they need something...all the usual reasons folk hate FB really Wink

Tbh I am totally happy with my DH and dcs - I'm always loathe to bring anyone else into the equation, really......

Original poster
wifey6 · 05/01/2014 20:38

Emily- my DH says I need to focus on us as a family (not that I have ever not) but he thinks I've always made such an effort with everyone & their families, without them ever considering us, it's time to be a bit selfish now after a tough time (where most of the people weren't there for us).

OP posts:
gigglestar · 05/01/2014 22:17

I did this a few years ago and am so much happier and better for it. It's shown me who my real friends are and who actually values me in their life. So now i'm surrounded only by people who genuinely care about me.

LividofLondon · 05/01/2014 22:31

wifey6 perhaps they don't feel the need to be in touch as often as you do, which consequently means you're the one to always make the first move? I had that with my Mum. She needed to touch base with me every other day, but I would naturally feel the urge to contact her every 5 days (unless I has specific news to share). She would get upset if it got to day 4 and I'd not called her. It was nothing to do with not caring about her, just different perspectives on what level of contact felt right.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 06/01/2014 05:28

I did this with a relative of mine and I got a call last week after 10 months asking why I hadn't called! Confused

Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 07:01

livid- That's very true & a very good point. I guess when it comes to my family, I don't like to leave contact too long as I miss hearing how my young nieces & nephews are. I only contact them once a week generally as I don't want to feel like I'm bothering them. But then it occurred to me that even when I do contact them, they aren't asking how my DCs are...so I guess I should just wait til they feel it's time to make contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 07:05

giggle- I think it does truly show who is important & genuinely cares. I just feel torn as when it's my family, without me making first contact, I won't know how my nieces & nephews are. But then it doesn't bother them not seeing how my DCs are I suppose.

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Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 07:07

Ms- wow....10 months later! That's crazy! When they finally called...how did you respond?

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Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 07:18

Reading it all back...I'm not sure if I sound selfish for expecting others to contact me first occasionally or if I'm just expecting too much from others. I guess it's because I care about how my nieces & nephews are & when my family don't contact me...it makes me feel like they don't care about my DCs. But even when I do message them, they rarely ask how my DCs are...which leaves me upset. Not everyone feels it's important to check-in & maintain relationships I know & it's got to the point now that I feel I need to see who does what us in their lives.
Having slept on those thoughts I definitely feel stronger about just waiting it out & seeing what happens.

OP posts:
coralanne · 06/01/2014 07:22

wifey6 I think that in time you will find that you are the glue that is keeping the family connected.

Your family probably find the routine of you calling reassuring. That is your "job".

I recently lost my sister. Always got on with her but never saw her much as her life essentially went down a different path to ours.

Every birthday and Christmas she would send me a text message to which I wouldn't respond (she knew that it took me forever to send messages). I would phone her on her birthday.

When daylight saving began and finished she would send a text "Don't forget to change your clock". I would always respond with "OK Boss"

My birthday is in October and she died in November. Her birthday message is still on my phone and I found myself waiting expectantly for her Christmas text.

I know people will ask if I'm sorry I didn't make more of an effort but I'm not because that was the way of things.

I see her DC quite often and they all acknowledge that their dear Mum was a difficult and ill woman but regardless of tht she was greatly loved.

Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 07:26

coralanne- so sorry for the loss of your sister.
I agree about our 'roles' within the family. It can be quite expected I suppose if one person always makes contact, or always does a certain thing for others.
I've just come to a point now where I don't want to be the one to maintain contact as it's quite upsetting when I feel it's not returned.

OP posts:
coralanne · 06/01/2014 08:04

wifey I fully understand how you feel. Do you feel that you can
ask your family why they never phone or ask after your DC?