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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not contact anyone

56 replies

wifey6 · 05/01/2014 20:01

I am always the one messaging/emailing friends & family to maintain our relationships/friendships & decided enough was enough & it's been nearly a week now & I've heard from no-one. I also always remember birthdays/special occasions yet hardly anyone does for me, DH & our DCs
AIBU about stepping back & not contacting friends/family first.

OP posts:
Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 08:11

A while ago I did ask them & they said 'we have busy lives, you can't expect us to always message you'. This hurt me a I too have a busy life, yet always make time to check-in & remember birthdays/anniversaries etc.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 06/01/2014 08:49

I did this a few years ago sadly it backfired hardly anybody seems to bother their arse contacting me it did upset me for a bit then i thought fuck em some folk only seem to contact me when they want something doing, but i have learned to say no, my real friends are still about though just not as many as i had before , op do it and see who the real people in your life is the rest are just surplus imo

Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 09:01

that's awful mrsjay...but at least you found out who you're real friends are.
It just saddens me as most of the people this issue is with..is family.
That's why I feel emotionally torn as to stop/limit my contact as there are children involved & my family ten turn it back on me a few weeks later & so 'oo well wifey6 hasn't contacted us, he doesn't care about our DCs' etc etc when that really isn't the case

OP posts:
mrsjay · 06/01/2014 09:03

I think it is hard for family if you are the contacor (not a word apparently) they are just used to it , My family are a bit the same my mum will say oh you didnt phone i now answer back by saying well you know my number

Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 09:24

I like that mrsjay - 'well you know my number' Smile
I think my 'role' has become the contactor, the 'go to in a crisis' person which ordinarily I wouldn't mind, if it worked both ways & they showed me & my DCs a hint of care.
They call upon me in a crisis, then drop me when it's sorted. But when I need help, I don't feel I can go to any of them as all the relationships/friendships feel very one-sided. I've started to feel very alone & my DH has said numerous times to stop focusing on the 'takers' & focus on my true friends. Which I absolutely agree with..but it feels harder when it's family I'm dealing with mainly.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 06/01/2014 09:29

oh I missed out the t Blush

It is hard when it is family do you get on with them normally maybe they see you as the coping one and dont need them which is sad

Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 09:40

We all have strained relationships to be honest, but I try & better the relationships by showing them I care with messages, remembering anniversaries etc. yet they don't do the same. We are not close, but it saddens me that the children are caught up in it. But I feel I can't better the relationships by myself, it does need to work both ways.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 06/01/2014 09:40

I agree it's worse when it's family. You somehow feel they should be more bothered, especially about their nieces and nephews, and I think it's far harder to 'drop' a close family member than an old friend.

I can only suggest you do as everybody else has said - don't contact them for a while and focus on your own family and perhaps widening your circle of friends (easier said than done!).

And if they do contact you, be your usual self, but don't agree to help them if that's all they've phoned for.

Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 09:44

Thank you MrsV, I think that's my only option at this point.
My DH says I shouldn't expect them to care for our DCs like I do about theirs, but it feels so sad that they don't. But I can't control that or change it.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 06/01/2014 09:52

it is sad isn't it but you have tried i would concentrate on your own family for a while we can't force people to care sadly, my bil and husband do not speak very long story the cousins never see each other which really upsets me ,

Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 10:00

Sorry to hear that mrsjay. I think it's more upsetting when there's children involved.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 06/01/2014 10:01

yes but do try and not be too upset for them i know it is hard being family and all but be kind to yourself and have abreak from them all

Wevet · 06/01/2014 10:05

OP, while i do think you have been cast as the family 'glue', you sound as if you have very different ideas about appropriate/desirable levels of contact to those of your family, and different ideas about how relatives should feel about the special occasions/children of other family members. (For instance, I couldn't tell you my own wedding anniversary, despite being married less than two years, so I would be very taken aback if any family member messaged or phoned about it...)

It's not that I'm not sympathetic, but there are a lot of 'shoulds' in your posts. You can't impose your views on other people, however conducive to family unity they are, and the situation is clearly making you resentful. It sounds as if, as well as wanting to know how the children are, you want your contact to have some effect, like getting more attention/contact from your family...?

Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 10:06

Thank you mrsjay, I'm just going to throw myself in to our plans for 2014 & my own little family. My 2 little DCs certainly keep me busy! It's so exhausting worrying/trying that a break from it all will be hard but much needed

OP posts:
Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 10:10

Wevet- I agree..there are a lot of 'shoulds' in my posts & that's wrong of me to expect/assume others to do for me & my DCs as I do for them in regard to contact. It is definitely not a control issue, I just want to build & maintain relationships yet clearly it's not reciprocated. I feel sad that what was once a close family has now disintegrated & with the DCs all caught up in it...I just feel if I try, the others might too.

OP posts:
frizzcat · 06/01/2014 11:01

Wifey. I did this in September, tbh my family is fragmented due to some dysfunctional parents, I could honestly feel the whole AIBU thread about them.

I have always remembered birthdays and Christmas especially for the dc of my siblings. I've always taken the line that none of the dc in our family should suffer for things that happened before they were born.
It was always me fixing and advising on problems, calling and showing an interest in all the dc and my siblings
My own little family has had some difficult times in the last couple of years and I outright asked for some support, I just needed a sounding board really not physical practical help. It wasn't forthcoming, in fact one sister said that all I ever talked about was this particular issue and she didn't feel she could talk about herself. Even though despite going through this trauma, I continued to advise her on marriage, career and remembered to send dc little "well done" cards when they had acheived something.

We had a lovely relaxing holiday in the summer and I had time to take a step back and think, the conclusion was I'm not happy with this, it's making me upset and impacting my life negatively. So I can choose to accept this is the way things are and will always be, or I can choose to find it unacceptable and change it, so I did.

I made no contact and no one called me as I knew would be the case. I have and will continue to send birthday and Christmas gifts to all the dc, as I feel like anything else would be a punishment to them and it isn't their fault, even though my dc have received nothing. I think that's my siblings problem not mine.

It's sad that things are this way and I envy other families that are close and whilst argue and have issues are there for each other, but it can't be helped and I think I did all I could. It's hard OP but in the end you have to decide what's healthy and acceptable to you.

Weeantwee · 06/01/2014 11:30

I've done this with a friend and haven't heard from her at all since June. I'd just had enough at being the one making the effort and then waiting around for up to an hour at a time because she was always late.

BlingBang · 06/01/2014 11:34

I was like this with my 'best' friend and she kept cancelling with me and the kids. Made me feel crap in the end. Backed off to see what she would do and she never even texted, told me all I needed to know. Sad to let go but I feel better in the end and in control rather than like some saddo, annoying stalking desperado I had felt I was becoming.

cavalcade · 06/01/2014 11:45

My uncle contacts us every week (sometimes more, long detailed missives requiring attention). I, and other family members, found it a bit much. I now tell him we're very busy (we are) and will always reply but it may not be immediately.

I'm not saying that's you (I think you're right in what you're doing), just adding another viewpoint.

I'm also cutting back the deadwood (how horrible that sounds). Oblivious, self absorbed people and their constant dramas, with no manners.

grumpyoldbat · 06/01/2014 11:54

I did this 7 years ago. I was going through hell myself yet I was the only one who remembered birthdays, anniversaries etc. Helping them with this that and the next thing yet feeling I was suffering completely alone. They still haven't contacted me, not even a Christmas card.

Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 12:12

Thank you all...I really feel for all of you who have experienced/are experiencing the same.
On all the advice, I'm not going to make contact first, but will still continue to send birthday cards etc to their DCs as it's absolutely not their fault...but I hold no expectation that my sisters will reciprocate to my DCs.

OP posts:
whitesugar · 06/01/2014 12:22

Wee and Bling, I did the same with oldest friend in Sept and not one word from her since. I always did the running and just left it thinking she would contact me but no. It hurts a bit but I lost the heart to keep contacting her and now I am becoming resigned to it. If I bump into her I will tell her but she is a bit selfish and probably won't get it. I would be a bit embarrassed to tell her but it is the truth. I have known her for 16 years. I do miss her but am not prepared to do all the running anymore. Like someone said she knows my no.

cavalcade · 06/01/2014 13:03

It feels quite sad, the realisation that people are essentially disinterested and the amount of time wasted in trying to keep or form friendships with them.

Original poster
wifey6 · 06/01/2014 13:27

Just had a text from a friend I've not heard from (due to me not making contact for 2 weeks) to ask if I would do some 'running around for her' next week - picking kids up as she has a lunch date, grabbing some bits at a store local to me etc.
my first instinct was I say 'yes no worries, let me know the days you need me'.
Instead I didn't reply straightaway & when I did, I said that I had a busy schedule next week with DCs activities, nursery & a hospital appointment etc (which is actually true, but I would of stretched myself for her) to which I have had no reply yet & do not expect one.
This is all new to me as I'm a 'people pleaser' & feel bad for doing so.

OP posts:
theimposter · 06/01/2014 13:28

YANBU. I have been quite distanced from friends in the past year. They have all had babies (I haven't) and I guess they are just wrapped up in their own worlds that I am not involved in. I do feel I am likely to get badmouthed for not buying birthday/baby gifts but I really can not afford it and actually they don't make effort on my birthday etc nowadays or generally to include me and DP so I don't really see why I should feel obliged. Often I have had little thanks for gifts and in 2 cases I spent many hours making a lovely soft toy for the child (have sold them for decent money so it is obvious time and effort has been spent) and never seen the parents encourage the kid to use it or ever seen it again. If it were me I would try and at least send a photo of child with gift!

I've had a tough time with a few things recently and my so called 'best friend' hasn't a clue as hasn't got in touch for ages and when we do it is all kid orientated talk. I understand why and am happy they have their babies but it is annoying. I have other newer friends who do make a returned effort and have more similar interests so I'd rather spend effort on them really.

YANBU in distancing yourself if people are not making an effort and I agree that if contact is one sided it gets tedious. It's just getting rid of dead wood and finding fresh starts!