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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it is too late and refuse contact (warning: a MIL thread)

129 replies

Bearfrills · 04/01/2014 18:19

There's a long history with MIL which I've posted about before. To cut the long story short: DH had a shitty, bordering on neglect, childhood where his sisters were very obviously favoured and he very obviously was not. Throughout our relationship/marriage there have been MIL issues. I can't post them all or this will be miles long. A few stand-outs are her going table to table at our wedding telling everyone what a bitch I am (because we put the buffet table in the 'wrong' place and let FIL, her ex, bring his DP to the wedding), making highly inappropriate comments about our fertility issues and miscarriages (making a to do about 'finally' getting a GC when SIL became pregnant, reminding me on Christmas Day "wouldn't you have been due around about now if you'd kept it?", telling everyone at a birthday party about my 15wk miscarriage and asking them all to talk to me about it so I could 'address my feelings', etc), threatening to kick my head in when I was 14wks pregnant because she was jealous of DB taking DS out for an hour, lots more things I can't even list.

When the DCs came along the relationship got even worse. SIL has DCs the exact same age and gender and MIL favours them greatly, that's her decision and we weren't bothered so long as she spent at least some time with our DCs too as they are also her grandchildren. The reality of it is that she rarely sees them, despite living just down the road (15 minute walk away).

We stopped taking them to her house when she and BIL started making snide comments about then-2yo DS along the lines of "quick, here's DS, hide the toys!" - she has lots of toys at her house but they're specifically for her other GC. Then she would fix the other GC snacks and deliberately exclude DS and DD so they'd have to watch the others eat. She still came to our house to see them, though sporadically. While here she would tell DS all about trips she's taken with the other GC, once she went on and on about how she was taking them to the railway museum. DS excitedly told her "I like trains!" She told him "oh ... Well ... We might take you too ... " but never did despite him asking her several more times. Then she started cancelling visits or saying she was going to visit but not turning up, always because her DP was "ill" yet it would then come back to us that they'd been out with her other GC.

She made plans to come see DS the weekend before his birthday and didn't arrive. I tried ringing, texting and nothing. I was worried something had happened then around 5pm she got in touch to say her DP was really ill and they'd been at the walk-in centre all day. Twenty minutes later she had pictures on Facebook of her day out with the other GC and her very healthy looking DP ...

On DS 4th birthday a few months ago she sent her DP to the house ten minutes after bedtime with a card with £5 in it. On DDs 2nd birthday a few weeks later she arrived at the door all smiles with cards, balloons and a vtech tablet. That's when we decided enough was enough. We told her we couldn't accept the tablet when DS got £5 just three weeks before and that while we already know that she plays favourites between her grandchildren, she will not play favourites with our children, she either treats them equally (or as equally as possible) or not at all.

She massively kicked off, we were ungrateful and spiteful and were depriving DD and so on. Her DP made some really nasty remarks about me being a "grabby bitch". We've never heard from her since and she hasn't returned any attempts to contact her. In November FIL (her ex) asked DH if he would "allow" MIL to have contact with the DCs and offered to pick them up from ours, drop them at MiLs and then return them afterwards. DH pointed out that we have never refused contact, she was the one who stopped contact, he also pointed out that they are children not parcels to be shunted from one house to the other and that we are their parents not FIL - if she wants to see them she needs to contact us. He very much left it in her court, she knows where we live, etc.

Since then there have been two family parties where we were all in attendance and she blanked us and the children. She's made no effort to get in touch and for all FIL claims that she is heartbroken and pining for the children, her behaviour would suggest otherwise.

Now FiL wants to see DH tomorrow, specifically without me or the DCs there, to discuss "access arrangements" for MiL Hmm

DH has told me he doesn't want MIL to have any contact with them as its too late, she's had chance after chance and clearly couldn't give two shits about them. FIL thinks its time that we said sorry (!) for cutting her out and that we should let her back in because she's family. He thinks that its me who has decided to cut her out.

AIBU to agree with DH that its too late and we don't want her in our DCs lives?

OP posts:
JoanRanger · 05/01/2014 09:22

Why not make a definitive list of whatshe's done and present it to FIL?

foreverondiet · 05/01/2014 09:25

She sounds toxic and vile and based on a) the comments about your miscarriage on Christmas and b) your DS saying she doesn't like him would be on their own reason enough for no contact.

Just curious - does she deny she favours your SIL kids? Or if she admits to it how does she explain it?

Tell them its too late now. No contact but you'll send an annual Christmas card with a photo of the kids, and that's it. If she tries to be in touch you'll even stop that. They emotionally abused your DH and then you, and you won't let her do that to your DC and the only way to ensure that is no contact.

ChasedByBees · 05/01/2014 09:35

It sounds like she wants more opportunities to tread your son's self esteem into the ground. Please don't let her. I think you need to actively keep her away from all them, she will not bring anything positive into their lives.

By actively, I mean that until now, the ball has been in her court. Even if she massively apologised I don't think you should resume contact. She is going to be harmful to your family.

maddening · 05/01/2014 09:46

Wow - better off without her obviously- good luck with the conversation today - I agree with pp saying to write down ALL her infractions and literally sit and list them for FIL - I doubt he could say anything in the face of all that!

Bearfrills · 05/01/2014 10:00

BIL is SILs husband, he and MIL really are kindred spirits though and he loves stirring things at the slightest hint of drama.

Just curious - does she deny she favours your SIL kids? Or if she admits to it how does she explain it?

When we refused to accept DDs birthday present and brought up the issue of favourites she got really defensive and (tearfully) told us that she treats all of her children the same and all of her grandchildren the same "even the two little boys next door get treated exactly the same as my own". That'll be the two little boys she took to see the dinosaurs - another trips he discusse in front of DS but didn't take him on. She claimed she doesn't buy anything for one child without also buying for the others, right down to something as small as a packet of sweets (the DCs have never had anything from her outside of birthdays/Christmas, which is not a problem but we couldn't believe she was actually claiming she buys treats for them all the time and treats them the same, obviously she can't see the problem).

OP posts:
pigletmania · 05/01/2014 10:03

Op if yo want confirmation that your doing the right thing, going NC, than read all the replies on her and read your op! For a little boy to notice grandma doesent like him, she must be quite overt, for that one single reason alone, nevermind the others listed, keep that evil woman away from your children!

lilyaldrin · 05/01/2014 10:06

I'm surprised you subjected your children to this for so long tbh. Definitely cut her out.

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 10:16

Bear did you witness, te snack incident, if you did why did you not speak up, I personally could not have allowed that! When mil was harping on about the museum I would have told in no uncertain terms not to talk about it in front of ds. You need to put your children first and cut her dead!

pumpkinsweetie · 05/01/2014 10:22

Op i honestly don't think this even needs airtime, just go ahead with no contact. Your dh seems keen to stop contact, and you know it needs to be done so get cracking.

Without all the other issues my mil also favoured her other gc, mine had sale items, and maybe £10-15 spent on bdays/xmas (before going n c) & the others would get £30odd spent on them, aswell as school uniform, Clarks shoes, beautiful dresses, outfits etc etc.
Another thing she used to do, was buy them pjs for xmas in the wrong sizes, from example 3-4yo for a 1yr old and 12-13 for an 8yo so my children would get upset as they couldn't wear them!! One year they were made to do a fashion parade in oversized pjs and my youngest tripped up, i wasn't amused and amazingly enough that was the last xmas we had contact or have been to her home!!! That same year dh recieved a scarf, socks & a £10 note whilst sil1 & 2 had £60 spent on them eachShock

CecilyP · 05/01/2014 10:33

Haven't read the entire thread but agree with others about stopping contact - your DCs were getting nothing but upset when contact did go ahead. The clincher for me would not be just the awful behaviour, but the barefaced lies that she has told you. Agree with making a list for FIL of all the things she has done - it is going to be a long list.

The one good thing about this is that both you and your DH are in total agreement, so there won't be any conflict there.

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 10:33

Shock pumpkin, that was done to humiliate your children, not because she forgot the size, vile woman!

ovenbun · 05/01/2014 11:03

What a nasty piece of work! I would give yourself some closure by writing her a letter with dh explaining why you have cut contact. Explain you will not be reading any replies. Keep a copy to remind yourself why you did this
Put the responsibility and hurt back with her where it belongs.
Oh and please make yourselves a lovely day out taking your son to the railway museum and dinosaurs!

QueenStromba · 05/01/2014 11:16

Definitely cut all contact with her while your DS is young enough to forget all the horrible things she's done.

MintyChops · 05/01/2014 11:16

She sounds like a very nasty piece of work. Good luck to your DH today; I would be telling FIL to butt out and mind his own business. If she wants to discuss anything let her do it herself, not send one of her winged monkeys.

Holdthepage · 05/01/2014 11:24

MintyChops - winged monkeys, that really has made me laugh, & I am going to file that away for future use.

kalidanger · 05/01/2014 11:47

To be quite blunt you should think yourself lucky that your DH can see that his mother is awful. There are loads of threads where the H is so caught up in pleasing his parents to the detriment of his DW and DC, and loads where the DIL is trying to cope with her IL's toxicity while the H stands back and leaves it all to her. Seems that you're in a much better position iyswim.

Mellowandfruitful · 05/01/2014 11:59

I am not even sure it's worth the after of listing all her awful behaviour and going through it with FIL. People like this will deny and justify their own behaviour no matter what, so you might as well rate yourself the trouble. Your DH can say your decision has been made, jointly, for the good of YOUR family and will not be discussed or debated further.

TheCalvert · 05/01/2014 12:19

Disturbing post. Horrible, horrible woman and I'd cut her off completely. Forever. I wouldn't feel comfortable allowing someone access to my children who makes them feel crap about themselves.

Your children will have a more enriched life and be happier individuals without such influences. You will be happier and much less stressed if you go NC.

Good luck with the impending baby, and your DH sounds like a keeper!

fifi669 · 05/01/2014 12:25

She's a knob.

Lots of threads where DH is caught between mother and wife, trying to please everyone. You're blessed that your DH is putting you and your family first. It makes it easy to tell her where to go when DH is onside/leading the no contact.

nauticant · 05/01/2014 13:59

Why do you think the MIL is exerting pressure on others so that she can see your kids again?

It isn't because she wants to see them because she was happy to blank them when she did see them. Her motivation is that they're currently outside her direct control and she's after re-establishing that. Once she's seeing them again she can resume mistreating them.

perfectstorm · 05/01/2014 14:14

I don't think this is a MIL issue, actually. It's a someone-is-emotionally-abusing-your-children issue, and you're completely right to protect them from that. It's part of the job description as their mother, in fact. She has a classic enabler in your FIL, doesn't she? Funny how these people manage to find one another.

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 17:40

How did it go?

SuperScrimper · 05/01/2014 19:05

So 'FIL' is actually a an ex step Dad...well I certainly wouldn't be worried about his opinion.

She sounds awful. The fact a small boys knows she doesn't really care for him is terrible.

Frankly I would have never spoken to her again after the 'if you'd have kept it' line. You had a miscarriage not an abortion!!

Bearfrills · 05/01/2014 19:55

It was stopped before it started. DH says FIL got as far as "about your mother ... " and that was it. It won't be raised again :o

FIL is DHs step-dad but he's known DH from birth (he was FILs best friend), married MIL when DH was 3 or 4yo, and they seperated when he was 20. I'm (privately) of the opinion that he was complicit in DHs shitty childhood, he was there, he could have forced change but that's one for DH to come to on his own, if he ever does (I have noticed that DH isn't as close to him as he used to be though).

Thanks for all the advice :) I expect the next attempt at contact will be once baby arrives when I'll be sore, leaky and sleep deprived. I know exacty what my response will be!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 05/01/2014 21:01

A big deck off I hope. Even more so not to have any contact once baby arrives!