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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it is too late and refuse contact (warning: a MIL thread)

129 replies

Bearfrills · 04/01/2014 18:19

There's a long history with MIL which I've posted about before. To cut the long story short: DH had a shitty, bordering on neglect, childhood where his sisters were very obviously favoured and he very obviously was not. Throughout our relationship/marriage there have been MIL issues. I can't post them all or this will be miles long. A few stand-outs are her going table to table at our wedding telling everyone what a bitch I am (because we put the buffet table in the 'wrong' place and let FIL, her ex, bring his DP to the wedding), making highly inappropriate comments about our fertility issues and miscarriages (making a to do about 'finally' getting a GC when SIL became pregnant, reminding me on Christmas Day "wouldn't you have been due around about now if you'd kept it?", telling everyone at a birthday party about my 15wk miscarriage and asking them all to talk to me about it so I could 'address my feelings', etc), threatening to kick my head in when I was 14wks pregnant because she was jealous of DB taking DS out for an hour, lots more things I can't even list.

When the DCs came along the relationship got even worse. SIL has DCs the exact same age and gender and MIL favours them greatly, that's her decision and we weren't bothered so long as she spent at least some time with our DCs too as they are also her grandchildren. The reality of it is that she rarely sees them, despite living just down the road (15 minute walk away).

We stopped taking them to her house when she and BIL started making snide comments about then-2yo DS along the lines of "quick, here's DS, hide the toys!" - she has lots of toys at her house but they're specifically for her other GC. Then she would fix the other GC snacks and deliberately exclude DS and DD so they'd have to watch the others eat. She still came to our house to see them, though sporadically. While here she would tell DS all about trips she's taken with the other GC, once she went on and on about how she was taking them to the railway museum. DS excitedly told her "I like trains!" She told him "oh ... Well ... We might take you too ... " but never did despite him asking her several more times. Then she started cancelling visits or saying she was going to visit but not turning up, always because her DP was "ill" yet it would then come back to us that they'd been out with her other GC.

She made plans to come see DS the weekend before his birthday and didn't arrive. I tried ringing, texting and nothing. I was worried something had happened then around 5pm she got in touch to say her DP was really ill and they'd been at the walk-in centre all day. Twenty minutes later she had pictures on Facebook of her day out with the other GC and her very healthy looking DP ...

On DS 4th birthday a few months ago she sent her DP to the house ten minutes after bedtime with a card with £5 in it. On DDs 2nd birthday a few weeks later she arrived at the door all smiles with cards, balloons and a vtech tablet. That's when we decided enough was enough. We told her we couldn't accept the tablet when DS got £5 just three weeks before and that while we already know that she plays favourites between her grandchildren, she will not play favourites with our children, she either treats them equally (or as equally as possible) or not at all.

She massively kicked off, we were ungrateful and spiteful and were depriving DD and so on. Her DP made some really nasty remarks about me being a "grabby bitch". We've never heard from her since and she hasn't returned any attempts to contact her. In November FIL (her ex) asked DH if he would "allow" MIL to have contact with the DCs and offered to pick them up from ours, drop them at MiLs and then return them afterwards. DH pointed out that we have never refused contact, she was the one who stopped contact, he also pointed out that they are children not parcels to be shunted from one house to the other and that we are their parents not FIL - if she wants to see them she needs to contact us. He very much left it in her court, she knows where we live, etc.

Since then there have been two family parties where we were all in attendance and she blanked us and the children. She's made no effort to get in touch and for all FIL claims that she is heartbroken and pining for the children, her behaviour would suggest otherwise.

Now FiL wants to see DH tomorrow, specifically without me or the DCs there, to discuss "access arrangements" for MiL Hmm

DH has told me he doesn't want MIL to have any contact with them as its too late, she's had chance after chance and clearly couldn't give two shits about them. FIL thinks its time that we said sorry (!) for cutting her out and that we should let her back in because she's family. He thinks that its me who has decided to cut her out.

AIBU to agree with DH that its too late and we don't want her in our DCs lives?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 05/01/2014 00:56

After reading your other posts, about your poor ds saying tat grandma doesent like him, you keep your precious babies away from tat poisonous vile nasty individual. They way she blanked a child, and boasted abut the train museum to your ds is quite frankly downright disgusting and she should feel ashamed of herself. Access arrangements, she has no rights over your children, I am so pleased dh is with you on this. Definitely NC with her all the way

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 00:59

You have been so tolerant, I woud have hit her by now

Saucepanman · 05/01/2014 01:10

The train thing is really upsetting. Your poor ds. Agree with everyone who says she's toxic. As for access to your kids? Fuck that. So relieved that your DH is able to stand up to her appalling behaviour. You are doing the right thing. And protecting dc3 from having to go through it too.

MrsCakesPremonition · 05/01/2014 01:43

She has already fucked up one generation of children, playing favourites with your DH and his siblings.
Now she is using the same tactics to fuck up a second generation. Luckily it sounds as though you and you DH have the proper measure of her and will protect your children.
Good luck to you all Smile

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 05/01/2014 01:50

i would be quite cross if dh decided to talk about my family with out me

we are together united

we are a unit

there is no leader

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/01/2014 02:02

She's an emotional abuser. It sounds like she brought your DH nothing but grief, and is planning on dishing out the same treatment to your DCs. Unless you want them to always be unfavourably compared to their cousins and made to feel like shit, just cut her off completely. I would even consider moving away.

BaldHedgehog · 05/01/2014 04:55

Your MIL is a fucking loon and a vile, nasty, horrible person. The comment about miscarriage is absolutely shocking and who the fuck feeds some children leaving some out of food?Your family unit will only benefit from cutting her off. Tell FIL to back off and mind his own business.

ShowMeYourTARDIS · 05/01/2014 05:19

YANBU.

I'm just surprised you haven't reached this stance earlier. She sounds absolutely foul. You and your family are better off without her in your lives.

StuntNun · 05/01/2014 06:08

I would have to wonder, given the horrible comments she had made to you, what nasty things she might say to your children. She could have a damaging effect on their self-esteem. It sounds like limited contact would be in your DC's best interests at this point.

dobedobedo · 05/01/2014 06:20

YANBU. Don't let this crazy fuckwit anywhere near your kids. Cut her out of your lives, you'll all be happier. She sounds like poison.

lunar1 · 05/01/2014 06:22

She wouldn't get near my children again

EllaFitzgerald · 05/01/2014 06:39

As Custardo has pointed out, it's just not on for the FIL to be discussing your children without you being there. It's very manipulative and along the lines of 'divide and conquer'. It's also massively disrespectful to you. Even if it was you who wanted to stop contact, by meeting with your DH to 'discuss access arrangements', FIL is demonstrating that he and MIL are willing to ride roughshod over your wishes for your children.

If I were you, I'd be wanting DH to cancel any meeting with the FIL, making it very clear that you are a team and that decisions over the children are made between you, and that it was him (DH) who felt contact with his mother was a bad idea. And I wouldn't let the poisonous MIL within a hundred miles of my DC.

OrangePixie · 05/01/2014 07:21

Why don't you write down a list of what MIL has done, as in your post, and show it to FIL?

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 08:21

I agree Ella, op and her dh are a united front, if tey don't lie it they can go fish. You don't need her ad her partner messing your kids up. What she said to you about your sad loses, was horrible, shocking, low, ad downright nasty. What she is doing to your kids, playing favourites, treating one set f Chidren better than another, deriving your ds of food, whist te ter children eat, is just vile, nasty and evil. I would not let her within 2 mies of your Chidren, she is not fit to see them!

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 08:22

Bil is equally as horrid, how old is he 5!

uptheanty · 05/01/2014 08:28

Do not expose yourself or your children to this horrible woman again.

Just because she's "family"?
Would you tolerate this from anyone else?

She will have her reasons for wanting to be back in contact, I can assure you that it has nothing to do with your children and everything to do with mil need for control or appearances towards others etc.

So far she has taken no responsibility for her actions and probably never will.

ChampagneTastes · 05/01/2014 08:32

Just another voice cheering you on. Have nothing more to do with her. Your poor little boy. Sad

MrsMangoBiscuit · 05/01/2014 08:39

Blimey. I'd say it's time to cut contact, not reinitiate it! She sounds awful, and in your shoes I would not want her anywhere near my DC. This is a situation of her making.

She decided to not bother making contact, SHE decided to throw a strop when you (rightly!) put your foot down about the Vtech tablet, and SHE decided to blank her 2 and 4yo GCs when she was sulking!! Who the hell blanks a child?!

I'd bet she wants contact so she can carry on playing her poisonous games, if she missed the DCs she'd have made a fuss of them at the parties.

Toecheese · 05/01/2014 08:48

There is no way I'd allow gran to take kids off. However I probably would cut contact for a long while and then give her a second chance on your terms (tell her she needs to be fair with kids) once the baby is a few months old. There might be the chance she has learn her lesson? You can always stop contact again if things don't work out.

LookingThroughTheFog · 05/01/2014 08:58

I know going NC is never an easy decision, but in this case, neither you nor your husband want contact. The children are unlikely to gain anything from contact, so just go with no.

I've told this story on other threads, but when my grandmother had me alone, she told me that of course my mother didn't love me; she was a complete bitch who was incapable of love.

I was 14, though it still hurt.

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 09:10

Tocheese eople like that never change! She did t with op dp, BIl being the golden child I presume from her posts, and now She is doing it between cousins and between brother and sister. She is a deeply disturbed individual, who needs intense therapy, not access to vulnerable impressionable children! Who in their mind could blank a child, and give one Set of children food, whilst the others get nothing. A thoroughly wicked and evil person. Just because she is family does not mean you have to put up with such crap, stop it now!

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 09:10

Oh certainly in this case NC will be very easy

BohemianGirl · 05/01/2014 09:11

TBH with you OP - why you bother with this woman after your first paragraph is beyond me.

Justnapping · 05/01/2014 09:13

Please do not resume contact. She is toxic!! And it will only get worse for your DCs as they get older and understand more.

We have gone NC with MiL since before DC were born and this is the best decision we have ever made. She is unstable, toxic, drama llama etc. Every time she has tried to initiate contact with my DH she starts all nice but then turns when he says he is not interested and starts name calling, being horrible etc. I can't risk putting my DCs in a situation where they might be subjected to this irrational behaviour. Interestingly one of DH's brothers who always gave her chance after chance over the years has now gone NC as he can't deal with her horrible behaviour anymore. These people never change.

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 09:15

Stop it today, your ittle 4 year old has noticed gran does not like him, that should be enough!