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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it is too late and refuse contact (warning: a MIL thread)

129 replies

Bearfrills · 04/01/2014 18:19

There's a long history with MIL which I've posted about before. To cut the long story short: DH had a shitty, bordering on neglect, childhood where his sisters were very obviously favoured and he very obviously was not. Throughout our relationship/marriage there have been MIL issues. I can't post them all or this will be miles long. A few stand-outs are her going table to table at our wedding telling everyone what a bitch I am (because we put the buffet table in the 'wrong' place and let FIL, her ex, bring his DP to the wedding), making highly inappropriate comments about our fertility issues and miscarriages (making a to do about 'finally' getting a GC when SIL became pregnant, reminding me on Christmas Day "wouldn't you have been due around about now if you'd kept it?", telling everyone at a birthday party about my 15wk miscarriage and asking them all to talk to me about it so I could 'address my feelings', etc), threatening to kick my head in when I was 14wks pregnant because she was jealous of DB taking DS out for an hour, lots more things I can't even list.

When the DCs came along the relationship got even worse. SIL has DCs the exact same age and gender and MIL favours them greatly, that's her decision and we weren't bothered so long as she spent at least some time with our DCs too as they are also her grandchildren. The reality of it is that she rarely sees them, despite living just down the road (15 minute walk away).

We stopped taking them to her house when she and BIL started making snide comments about then-2yo DS along the lines of "quick, here's DS, hide the toys!" - she has lots of toys at her house but they're specifically for her other GC. Then she would fix the other GC snacks and deliberately exclude DS and DD so they'd have to watch the others eat. She still came to our house to see them, though sporadically. While here she would tell DS all about trips she's taken with the other GC, once she went on and on about how she was taking them to the railway museum. DS excitedly told her "I like trains!" She told him "oh ... Well ... We might take you too ... " but never did despite him asking her several more times. Then she started cancelling visits or saying she was going to visit but not turning up, always because her DP was "ill" yet it would then come back to us that they'd been out with her other GC.

She made plans to come see DS the weekend before his birthday and didn't arrive. I tried ringing, texting and nothing. I was worried something had happened then around 5pm she got in touch to say her DP was really ill and they'd been at the walk-in centre all day. Twenty minutes later she had pictures on Facebook of her day out with the other GC and her very healthy looking DP ...

On DS 4th birthday a few months ago she sent her DP to the house ten minutes after bedtime with a card with £5 in it. On DDs 2nd birthday a few weeks later she arrived at the door all smiles with cards, balloons and a vtech tablet. That's when we decided enough was enough. We told her we couldn't accept the tablet when DS got £5 just three weeks before and that while we already know that she plays favourites between her grandchildren, she will not play favourites with our children, she either treats them equally (or as equally as possible) or not at all.

She massively kicked off, we were ungrateful and spiteful and were depriving DD and so on. Her DP made some really nasty remarks about me being a "grabby bitch". We've never heard from her since and she hasn't returned any attempts to contact her. In November FIL (her ex) asked DH if he would "allow" MIL to have contact with the DCs and offered to pick them up from ours, drop them at MiLs and then return them afterwards. DH pointed out that we have never refused contact, she was the one who stopped contact, he also pointed out that they are children not parcels to be shunted from one house to the other and that we are their parents not FIL - if she wants to see them she needs to contact us. He very much left it in her court, she knows where we live, etc.

Since then there have been two family parties where we were all in attendance and she blanked us and the children. She's made no effort to get in touch and for all FIL claims that she is heartbroken and pining for the children, her behaviour would suggest otherwise.

Now FiL wants to see DH tomorrow, specifically without me or the DCs there, to discuss "access arrangements" for MiL Hmm

DH has told me he doesn't want MIL to have any contact with them as its too late, she's had chance after chance and clearly couldn't give two shits about them. FIL thinks its time that we said sorry (!) for cutting her out and that we should let her back in because she's family. He thinks that its me who has decided to cut her out.

AIBU to agree with DH that its too late and we don't want her in our DCs lives?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 04/01/2014 19:51

She will hurt your children if allowed contact. Why would you have her in your life?

pumpkinsweetie · 04/01/2014 19:53

Sounds like your dh has his children's best interests at heart & bloody good on him to. Power to him too as my dh isn't quite there in accepting his family are toxic just as yet, it's a long process for someone to accept and realise, hard too!

I wouldn't get talking to any of the family about it, i would just go non-contact with mil without an explanation. She doesn't need an explanation, she made her bed, she must lie in it! Don't communicate by phone/letter/talk/visit, just stop all point of contact.

These types of toxic people will feed of any communication you give them , positive or negative and when they cannot reach you, they will then use other family members to reel you in. Don't take part in any manipulation she will bring your way.

Your fil is not with her anymore and aslong as he doesn't get used as an instigator i'm sure your dc will still be fine to see him provided he is trustworthy.

I have parted ways with all of dhs family, bar one sil, as after going non contact mil used them all as weapons in her game. I have had to lose my nieces due to my pil because sil1 is a product of her upbringing, and she go involved when she shouldn't have.

But life is so much better now, without them in it.
Life will be awkard at births/birthdays/christmas as the guilt will be there but guilt is better than the life we once lived with them on our backs, with veins full of toxcity.
I am due very soon with a newbaby and ils will not be seeing her, EVER

DullDullard · 04/01/2014 19:55

Blimey she sounds awful. Just awful. Your poor son and poor you having the stress and hassle of having to deal with such a self centered cruel and vile person.

I agree with everyone else. She has run out of chances and its too late. Damage has already been done and now there needs to be no opprotunity for her to do anymore.

I suspect she has been going to FIL (her ex) with sob stories galore about how horrid and selfish you are not allowing her access because the way she sees it is she cant get the access she wants, so your offers to see her GC on your terms at your house are not even considered.

The fact they want to see your DH/DP alone without you also speaks volumes. I am sorry to say that she has also let FIL believe its all down to you her "evil DIL". Of course you are not evil at all but this is how she probably sees you because she cannot get her own way and its easier to blame you than her DS. I also would not be surprised if tomorrow they make threats of some kind to your DH/DP if they she does not get what she wants -something like being cast out of the family.

Also, after the meeting expect to be slagged of to all in sundry about how you keep her darling GC from her blah blah blah.

She is a self centered nutcase who can only see the world from her own sick and warped pov.

Good luck but do discuss tonight together any possibilities that may be thrown up tomorrow in order to coerce your DH/DP into giving her what she wants, and how you may deal with that.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

FetchezLaVache · 04/01/2014 19:55

Your DH sounds amazing and you are both absolutely in the right here. She sounds not just unpleasant but actively damaging to your DCs. I think if anything you should have cut her off long before you did, the nasty witch! Tell FIL to butt out.

Dubjackeen · 04/01/2014 20:02

No, no, no. You are absolutely right, it is too late. What benefit is it to any of you to have this person in your lives. None! Stay strong OP. She has treated all of you very badly, she does not deserve any contact with you.

YouTheCat · 04/01/2014 20:02

I think if your dh does have that talk with his father, he needs to establish what his father has actually been told because you can bet what his mother has been saying is so far from the truth as to be fiction.

Caboodle · 04/01/2014 20:07

Thank you for this post, feeling a little sad re my MiL behaviour recently and now feel a little less alone. Clearly YANBU (so maybe my dh isn't either when he tells our MiL to back off).

Blueberry234 · 04/01/2014 20:08

Too late and I would not want anyone that bitter and poisonous around my children.

eggsandwich · 04/01/2014 20:11

Firstly your FIL should really not be getting involved in this situation, so I think you need to point this out to him, secondly if FIL still feels the need to discuss this then it is with both your DH and yourself together as you are both parents to their GC so you both have a say on whether she should be allowed to see them surely what he has to say should be said to both of you, and thirdly I would not let them be in either of MIL or FIL company without either you or your DH present as MIL is obviously inhinged and FIL I wouldn't trust him not to take them round to MIL behind your back.

Mia4 · 04/01/2014 20:16

Your MIL is toxic and all DHs family are enablers (so long as it's not shit on them, I'm sure). Good on your DH for taking a stand and being the one to say that she needs cutting out. It sounds like your son has already decided and I would make that clear to MIL as well, that your DS believes she doesn't like him.

Sounds like his other family are possibly toxic as well if BIL was joining in the sniditey.

Maybe write a list of pros and cons of her being in your and then your childrens lives if it helps you though I suspect 'cons' is the way things will go.

The woman sounds vile, for her comments at your marriage, regarding your miscarriage and the way she treated your DP as a child I would say she doesn't deserve a minute of your time.

Mellowandfruitful · 04/01/2014 20:21

Yes, sorry to say this but you may need to be cautious about letting your FIL take them off on his own after this, in case he is prepared to go as far as to defy your wishes and take them round to MIL. He too is on the verge of being considered untrustworthy if he goes on this way.

Bearfrills · 04/01/2014 20:27

He never takes them anywhere on his own so no worries there :)

Other FIL (DH's bio dad, MiLs other ex) is on our side and has told her to her face a, not to get him involved and b, she got no one to blame but herself. He does my head in a bit sometimes (as I'm sure I probably do his in sometimes) but he's always good for an honest opinion and will tell you straight if you're being a bit of a nob.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 04/01/2014 21:35

Tell your FIL, " MIL is not a fit person to be left unsupervised with our DC, not now, not ever". No point in beating about the bush.

haveyourselfashandy · 04/01/2014 21:46

You owe it to your kids to keep them away from this woman.Cut all contact and stay away.I don't understand why you continued to put your dc in a situation where they were made to feel like second class citizens.She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

CSIJanner · 04/01/2014 21:50

Ahh - so its step-FIL coming tomorrow! Bio-FIL is on board. I got confuddled then.

YANBU. I wouldn't even let him in the door. Agreed, the fact your due soon might be the mitigating factor for suddenly wanting contact, but agree with others, too little, too late.

Pimpf · 04/01/2014 21:57

Your dh is quite right, why oit your children through all the hurt that he went through

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2014 22:14

Why is your DH even considering going to talk about 'access'.

Do not go

Do not discuss

Do not ever let her anywhere near your DC - at your home or elsewhere

In fact, have nothing to do with the mad woman ever ever again.

And I agree with the poster above - do not let your FiL or any other relative have the DC on their own as they probably will take them to see MiL.

(And I usually get accused of defending Mothers-in-Law...)

Meerka · 04/01/2014 22:20

Utterly poisonous. Your poor son.

Do not allow any sort of further contact with either of them.

I remember not being allowed seconds when other kids were, getting 1/10 the things the others were, not being allowed to talk etc. It is incredibly damaging.

Your husband is a tower of strength in surviving as well as he has and it's fantastic that you and he are so much together on this.

Does your mother's husband know what she's said and done? If not, tell him. If he does, then he's a pathetic individual as bad as she is and I wouldn't allow him back in the house after tomorrow.

"access?" She only deserves access to the Shit Human Being Prison.

... ah .... your post might have hit a nerve.

excuse my language

JumpingJackSprat · 04/01/2014 22:31

You don't owe her anything and your children are being damaged by her. She has no right to see your children and she had had every chance. Tell the rest of the family to fuck off. After the wedding and miscarriage thing in particular I would not have been speaking to the hateful old hag.

Meerka · 04/01/2014 22:35

ah sorry, I was a bit immoderate there.

slightly more rationally .... No, they are deeply toxic. Certainly your MIL is poisonous to the bone for all four of you. If her husband knows and condones it by trying to arrange contact, then so is he.

She should never see either of them again unless she is willing to totally change deeply. Which she almost certainly won't be. If she won't change then neither can you trust your FIL and he should not be allowed contact either

Good luck tomorrow.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 05/01/2014 00:02

you poor thing and so what if FIL says its you who have decided they shouldn't see her...what if it was who cares? one parent is standing up for her children fil can fuck off whatever your DH thought, thankfully you are both on the same side...

it would do the world of good if your DH can stand up for himself and meet his father and tell him face to face very clearly in strong simple sentances why she wont be seeing them and how she is not being fair...

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 05/01/2014 00:07

pumpkin

I just wanted to say good luck to you with your new baby and congratulations, i was like a lamb first time round the whole thing became about toxic MIL....I was just a conduct for the GC to be tossed aside once issue was brought forth....

Second time round they didnt even know and its been bliss...but hard as it made me realise how low I was with the first the precious moments robbed, however, although it was hard and I had people on my case to tell them...it was wonderful to have baby 2 and enjoy her without toxic comments and presences!

Enjoy!!!! xx

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/01/2014 00:28

I thought that it was your DH dad that was coming to talk not his Step Dad.

Hope that it works out for you.

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 00:48

My goodness I am Shock she sounds extremely toxic you need a radiation suit, narcissistic and a dame right nasty piece if work. Access arrangements, wtf over my dead body, go totally NC with her your Chidren do not need someone like that wrecking their lives. I hope dP stands up to her and gives her what for! They are children not be objects, you just can't pick them up and drop them whenever you like!

notundermyfoof · 05/01/2014 00:48

I was getting the rage reading your posts Angry She sounds like an absolute cunt and I'm amazed that you haven't given her a slap!

I'm confused as to why it has anything to do with ex fil but you can be certain shes lied to manipulate him so it will probably be interesting for your dh to find out whats been said. It sounds like your dh has the right idea, don't let this nasty bitch anywhere near your children!