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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset and angry at the mum who told DD(6) that...

138 replies

herewegoloopyloo · 03/01/2014 13:44

Father Christmas didnt exist? She was talking to me (about her older son finding out) but both DD (6 and 3yrs) were standing right next to me. She just came out without it, without warning or checking with me. It went over DD3's head, who was engrossed in something, but the look on DD6's face broke my heart. We took them to see Father Xmas this year, did the whole food for Santa on Xmas eve, had video from Portable North Pole and they were so filled with wonder and excitement (was the first year they both really got it) it was just delightful. I know they will find out at some point but I just wish it wasn't now. I dont know whether to say something to the mum (or indeed my DD) - and what to say?

OP posts:

babybarrister · 03/01/2014 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dfg15 · 03/01/2014 15:21

I was having a conversation about this very thing with my daughters (28 & 23) on Christmas Eve. We did the Father Christmas 'lie' with them, and they both say that they remember finding out he wasn't real, but that they didn't find it devastating nor did it make them lose trust with us because we 'lied' to them. Its just a nice fairy tale that's enjoyed at the time, and then they grow out of it. People should be more tactful, just because child doesn't believe it doesn't mean they have to spoil it for younger ones that do.

peking · 03/01/2014 15:24

DH calls it a "white lie" and would have rather we have done the full-on FC thing with our DC, like OP here. He was brought up believing in FC; I wasn't.

In the end we compromised!

starlight1234 · 03/01/2014 15:24

YNBU....

My DS (6) was told by a junior Santa is a myth though he has no idea what a myth is....He barely slept ate for a week before xmas with the excitement of santa coming ( he did ask for a baby sister but that is another thread)...

I won't be sending my DS to high school believing but most his classmates believe...

I would be furious...I decide how to bring up my child and what they believe... I certainly don't think adding the excitement of Christmas with the betrayl of trust that some people are suggesting...

6 is tiny...We don't have to rush to show them the harsh reality of life...Let them enjoy what they enjoy

softlysoftly · 03/01/2014 15:26

Bloody hell "lying to your kids"

World would be a miserable place if we were always dead straight.

"Yes dd the world is a shit place where children starve, adults beat rape and kill each other, money rules all and the chances are we'll all die of one horrible disease or another, more home weaved honey cereal darling?"

Just being honest.

anothermadamebutterfly · 03/01/2014 15:27

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

George Carlin

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 03/01/2014 15:27

Do nothing. If the subject comes up, act ignorant. Next year, do something like putting a sooty footprint on the hearth, or similar. Food for thought IYSWIM!
When I was small and someone told me the truth, it took me a year or two to really accept it. A couple of friends had footprint type stories. It just keeps that edge of doubt going!

Dfg15 · 03/01/2014 15:28

softlysoftly - exactly!

5Foot5 · 03/01/2014 15:35

I think this thread is getting slightly sidetracked in to being another "pretend about FC" versus "tell them the truth" debate.

Whatever your stance on this we surely all know that in this country very many young children still believe in the myth and their parents wish them to continue. Many of these children will inevitably learn the truth in the playground sooner or later, whether their parents want them to or not.

However an adult should have had more sense and sensitivity than to talk like this in front of someone else's children. Either she was being extremely thoughtless in not realising she could be spoiling the myth for them or she was being supremely arrogant in thinking she had a right to make the decision to tell them. Whichever it was I think she should be taken to task for her behaviour.

NewtRipley · 03/01/2014 15:37

Some adults do forget there are children around when they are chatting. I've done it myself - swearing, for instance, and then having to apologise

Lilacroses · 03/01/2014 15:51

Oh god...this is so horrible isn't it? A lady on a till in a shop did that in front of Dd when she was 6, totally by accident and was mortified. Poor woman. Dd wasn't listening anyway. However, the next year an older child told her somewhat maliciously and it was really ,really awful! She sobbed for hours and cried "Oh my god...the next thing you'll be telling me is that all the characters at Disney Land are just dressed up people"......oh dear! Seriously though it was such a horrible moment. I feel for you even if the lady did do it by accident.

peking · 03/01/2014 16:05

Oh softly, you go too far - there are ways of being straight with your DC that doesn't involve being harsh, and doesn't involve completely sheltering them from the truth either.

With your examples:

"Yes dd the world is a shit place where children starve" - my DCs were taught that not all children in the world enjoy as much food or as nice food as they enjoy. Teaches the value of appreciating what they have at an early age.

"adults beat rape and kill each other" my DCs knew at 6 why it was important to learn to be nice and treat each other with respect because not all grown-ups do so and it upsets adults too.

"money rules all" nothing wrong with a bit of financial planning with their pocket money

"and the chances are we'll all die of one horrible disease or another" when GM died we explained to DS(3) and DS(5) that she had been in pain for a long time but now we wouldn't see her again but she isn't hurting anymore.

A bit macabre, and the above examples are WAY over-dramatic compared to this issue, but why can't we take the same tack with FC? If OP's DD ends up asking if he's real, why not provide the facts in a tactful way that doesn't end up upsetting her in the short or in the long-term, but rather helps scaffold future understanding.

CoffeeTea103 · 03/01/2014 16:07

Yabu, she should know at 6 anyway,

peking · 03/01/2014 16:11

Are there really children who also think that the Disneyland characters are real instead of dressed up characters? I genuinely am not being horrible, sarky or judgemental here...it's just so different from what I'm used to! I thought it was all "make-believe pretend" rather than a genuine, ingrained understanding.

coco44 · 03/01/2014 16:14

' I decide how to bring up my child and what they believe '

You can't 'decide' what somebody else believes

Writerwannabe83 · 03/01/2014 16:22

I have never understood why children are bought up to believe in Santa? Why blatantly lie to your child for 6/7 years to then only have them upset and disappointed at the end? Just what is the point in it? Why can't they just know the presents are off their family?

Gruntfuttock · 03/01/2014 16:27

That's precisely how I feel Writerwannabe83

Justforlaughs · 03/01/2014 16:36

Actually, I don;t think YABU to be annoyed with her. Stupid thing to do imo. Whether or not you choose to tell your child about FC is entirely your decision and it's not up to anyone else to disillusion them. I wouldn't say anything to DD now, decide what you are going to say if she asks but otherwise just let it go. If she does ask, you have to decide whether you are going to tell het truth now, or try to keep it going. I would however, be telling the stupid woman what she had just done. I'm sure it wasn;t deliberate, but she should have thought - especially given that she had obviously told her own DS about FC- and it might stop her doing the same to other children.

needaholidaynow · 03/01/2014 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moominleigh94 · 03/01/2014 16:48

I never got upset or disappointed when I found out Santa didn't exist. My parents went the whole hog with it and I absolutely loved it, they still protest that they believe in Santa and they're in early 40s I eventually worked it out when I was about nine or ten, after telling people off for saying he wasn't real for years - not encouraged by my parents, I was just so convinced he was real. They used to tell me "My mum buys my presents", I told them it was because they were too naughty to have presents from Santa and their parents just felt sorry for them

I pretended I believed for a couple of years, enjoying the grown up feeling from it, and then when I was about twelve, I went to my mum and said, very solemnly, "Mum, there's something I think you need to know. I know you've believed in him your whole life, but I've done some research and I don't think it's possible for Santa to exist", I was terrified I'd be breaking her heart as it is she said she feels that he exists in people's heads for as long as they believe in him, and there's nothing wrong with keeping that belief going if it makes them happy. My brother and sister were both the same; we kept it going for them and then gradually they've figured it out (my sister bless her didn't realise until this year and she's twelve), but neither felt hurt or betrayed, despite my parents going quite overboard with the santa thing - always putting out cake and carrots, doing the flour footprints on the floor etc. We've never been bullied for believing in Santa beyond six or seven - or if other people saw it as bullying, we must have had thicker skin or something because it bounced off, as we knew we were getting presents from Santa

I can't believe some of the people on here who consider it a betrayal to their children and "lying to hurt them", how ridiculous it's a bit of fun, and if people were really that hurt by it as children, someone would've made a fortune by now setting up a business as a Santa Betrayal Counsellor I'm so excited for doing the whole Santa thing with my child, and I think it's one of the things my parents are most excited about too - just as their youngest child gets 'too old', they get a grandchild to do it all again with

peking · 03/01/2014 17:29

Clearly the whole FC thing is turning out not very fun for OP

Agree, that's why it needs to be light-hearted, if it's believed in at all.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 03/01/2014 17:38

My mom made it perfectly clear that anyone who ruined her Christmas by disputing the existence of Santa would be getting sweet F A on Christmas morning, and we were free to decide from there...

We continued with the Santa thing until we left home

I plan to do the same :)

morethanpotatoprints · 03/01/2014 17:44

Hello OP, some people are so inconsiderate but if you use your imagination you can usually come up with something.
I used to say well x son doesn't believe because he is older and FC only comes to children. Or something like well he won't come to x next year.
I don't buy that children work this out for themselves much younger than 9. You can keep it going as long as you like.
I have the problem of having to tell dd as she is 10 tomorrow. It has come to the time where she needs to know, I'm not sure how to tell her though, our older dc worked it out for themselves.

ShitOnAStick · 03/01/2014 18:10

The woman was thoughtless but she was telling the truth. I have a three yr old and a one yr old. My three yr old believes in father Christmas in the same way he believes in monsters or pretends to be a dog for a week a day. He's familiar with the story and plays along with it but I don't think he thinks it's actually real. Christmas was still very magical and he even went to the window and thanked Father Christmas. He has a vivid imagination and to him it's a fun magical game. I don't understand why people try desperately to keep a belief in Santa. The crushing disappointment is because of being lied to. I found out Santa wasn't real at age six. I didn't care one bit and still went along with it all through my childhood and teens and still do now. It's a bit of fun that's all.

lottieandmia · 03/01/2014 18:23

The main problem I have with the promotion of Father Christmas is that parents are usually doing it for themselves, though they will say and probably believe it's for their child.

The whole 'be good or you won't get any presents' is horrible. I was shocked at what a friend of mine did with her ds. She got 'FC' to come and visit him and presented him with a list of the bad things he had done over the year to reinforce the idea the fc knows what he has done always. I thought this was vile.

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