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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go on this holiday

108 replies

theimposter · 02/01/2014 11:58

My DPs family have been planning a trip away as a large group for several years. He has 2 kids and they have all been looking forward to it for ages. However this trip is really expensive and not something I would ever choose to do. I earn a lot less than DP and although my parents gave me a generous cheque for Christmas I am worried that I may need this money to cover the mortgage on my house as my tenants are moving out soon and I intend to sell it but it may take a while. Being self employed means an extended holiday hits my pocket too. I don't think it has gone down well that I said I don't want to go but even if I used my Christmas money I would feel it was a waste not using it to go somewhere I actually want to go and I resent that we have to go on so many family things and don't get much holiday time to ourselves without his parents etc.

His kids and family will be upset but even if he paid towards me going I know it would be put on the 'money owed' list and I don't like being in debt. He is very money orientated and sees what I do for work as not very important and even though I work hard at it I will never earn loads. He thinks I should do more 'womanly' tasks despite the fact that I also work long hours and I don't feel it is 'our' house as was very much 'his' before we got together. I am meant to be selling my house so we can get a bigger place together. He keeps dangling the idea of getting engaged at me but he just makes excuses about it and why he hasn't asked yet that put me down and really makes me feel quite insecure about our relationship. I feel he measures our entire relationship on money and housework and doesn't appreciate the many other things I have changed in my life or what I do for the kids as it isn't a measurable thing. Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
theimposter · 02/01/2014 14:00

I'd say 80% of the time we get on well. 95% of the time away from the house we get on well. He does do stuff for me that doesn't interest him so it's not all about him and he is great with DIY and car issues etc. I just wanted to put it from both sides- he's not all bad in fact generally he is very nice but it's just the totting up of money that puts me off. Having had a bad break up previously with my ex over our house I certainly don't want to be going down that route again.

OP posts:
pictish · 02/01/2014 14:01

Not to mention that he measures your worth by how much cleaning you do, and how much money you bring to the table.
I think that's another issue. Quite a big one as well.

Original poster
theimposter · 02/01/2014 14:03

Woowoo owl only the accom has been booked. That is why the issue has come up now as flights and other tickets need to be booked

OP posts:
pictish · 02/01/2014 14:05

I am only going on the things you have listed yourself OP. Those are your words, not my evaluation.

WooWooOwl · 02/01/2014 14:08

I think the problem you describe where your DP seems obsessed over money and household contributions is probably quite common in relationships that occur after a messy divorce.

Men often come out of relationships worse off financially and it seems to make them want to control every penny they spend on future relationships. I've seen it happen a couple of times with friends and acquaintances.

Original poster
theimposter · 02/01/2014 14:09

Yes I know Pictish. It does help to write things down sometimes! Thanks for the advice all. Will remain to be seen what happens!

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pictish · 02/01/2014 14:10

I wish you well OP. xx

ImperialBlether · 02/01/2014 14:16

But they made this decision years before you met him, didn't they? You weren't involved in that decision.

Now of course it would be nicer for them if you went, but it wouldn't be nicer for you. It isn't your kind of holiday.

That perhaps wouldn't matter if you didn't have to pay for it or if you had loads of spare money, but that's not the case.

Given the choice between spending your Christmas money on a holiday you don't particularly want to go on or on your mortgage, you'd be absolutely mad to choose the holiday.

I know you say his ex wife didn't work outside the home and did all of the housework but I bet he told her every day that she was able to stay at home because he was funding it. This idea of 'his' money isn't new to him.

In your position I'd sell your house when the tenants have gone and buy somewhere with the space to both work and live. I'm dying to know what you do, btw! Then I'd move into it and look for someone who didn't have his ideas about money and womanly duties (ffs.)

JoinYourPlayfellows · 02/01/2014 14:19

"Will remain to be seen what happens!"

Please don't just wait to see what happens.

This is your life - live it. Don't just wait for it to happen to you.

Housework and money are the two biggest things to get right in a life partner - they say everything about equality and respect.

And as pictish has pointed out, you have a whole lot of other pretty big problems here too.

MadameBigToes · 02/01/2014 14:30

A friend of mine had a partner who kept hinting that she might be getting a proposal if she played her cards right (he once actually said that Shock) He also made her pay half the rent on the place they shared, despite earning vastly more than her, and despite the fact that he took up most of the actual space with his hobby.

After years of this and other crap she left - very thankfully before buying anywhere or having kids with the twat.

Please see this as a big red flag and treasure and guard those valuable assets you have right now. I would take a good step back and a good think before you tie yourself to this bloke in any way. You are not required to do "womanly" Hmm tasks to serve any bloke and particularly not when you work as much as he does.

As for the holiday, it's to do with his extended family and his kids - you don't have any kids and are not tied to his family in any way, except through him. If you don't want to go that's simply your choice which everyone should respect. If he's putting any kind of pressure on you then that's another worry I'm afraid.

Original poster
theimposter · 02/01/2014 15:00

I am definitely not going on the holiday!

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Original poster
theimposter · 02/01/2014 15:04

Yes imperial; they decided about 4-5 years ago before I was on the scene but it has always been assumed that I would come along.

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ImperialBlether · 02/01/2014 15:31

But that is their problem! The only way they should assume you'd come along is if he pays for you and if you are able to take the time off work.

It's not a holiday if someone else plans it but expects you to pay for it!

Personally, though, the holiday is the least of it. I don't think this is the guy for you, OP, I'm sorry.

DontmindifIdo · 02/01/2014 15:41

OP - don't go on the holiday, once your tenants have moved out, move back into that house (or tenant it again and rent something smaller if you can't afford it on your own right now)

Date him for a while, see if things improve. But I wouldn't live with him. And certainly wouldn't financially tie myself to him.

Bloodyteenagers · 02/01/2014 15:51

I wouldn't live with him.
I wouldn't go on holiday with him.
I wouldn't buy a bar of chocolate with him, never mind a property.

Instead I would be leaving him to free myself to find someone that respects me. Respects what I do to earn money. Who doesn't walk around with a calculator totting up my debt to him. Who doesn't plan holidays for me, without my input. And someone who doesn't want me for womanly duties slave

If this is what he is like and you aren't even living with him, I don't really want to think what he will be like living with him. The debt. The running around him like the good little quiet wife. Doing everything to please him. Walking around on egg shells.

ImperialBlether · 02/01/2014 15:58

I've just realised that of course you are self-employed and he doesn't value your work. That is disgraceful. Doesn't it hurt when he says derogatory things about the amount of money you earn?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/01/2014 16:05

Sorry OP but he sounds HORRIBLE!

He is very money orientated and sees what I do for work as not very important and even though I work hard at it I will never earn loads. He thinks I should do more 'womanly' tasks despite the fact that I also work long hours.

WTAF.

You sound lovely, surely you must know you deserve better?

YouTheCat · 02/01/2014 16:07

Run for the hills before you end up trapped with this awful man.

NachoAddict · 02/01/2014 16:19

Sorry to echo everyone else but I,also don't think this is a good relationship for you.

feelingvunerable · 02/01/2014 16:29

I agree with all that's been said.

Don't go on this holiday.

I would also start doing things you want to do on weekends rather than offering free childcare.

His ex did all the housework, mmmm I wonder why she is his ex.

rookiemater · 02/01/2014 16:43

I'm glad you aren't going on the holiday OP.

There are wider issues to be considered and discussed about your relationship, but for the here and now it makes no sense for you to spend money you don't have on a holiday you don't want to go on.

How your DP reacts to this news will be very interesting. My guess is that particularly if his DCs are going, he will be very keen for you to come along. Don't let yourself get talked into it - it sounds like even if he paid for your flights it would be with massive strings attached.

Original poster
theimposter · 02/01/2014 18:18

I think he knows that there is not much point me going (whoever paid) if I will not enjoy it. I don't mind paying my way as have always been independant; problems arise when social things cost more than I can afford or I have a large vets bill or car problem. Money is an issue although more so the past few months with my new venture. It's not like he thinks what I do is rubbish and he supports me by helping me at events it is just that I don't think he always understands that what I do is just not as lucrative as his career and that it won't ever be hence he sees it as a bit 'below' if you see what I mean. He praises what I do but doesn't always see that I am also working hard at it and have my own stress related to it much as he does at his job. The thing is we do spend lovely time together; we have had a lovely afternoon out today and that's what makes me um and ah. It's the living together part that can be the problem.

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Mellowandfruitful · 02/01/2014 19:52

Some posters have mentioned that generally people are hurt if their partners don't want to come on a family holiday - but for the purposes o the 'family holiday' (and possibly more widely...) you are not considered part of the family. Hence him saying since he is paying for the kids (woop-de-doo! What does he think everyone else in the world does, make their kids pay for their holiday places out of pocket money or something?), he doesn't want to pay for you. That is very telling and says he doesn't regard you as an integral part of the unit; he thinks of you as a sort of promising employee who might, later on, prove themselves worthy of a long-term contract but who's still on a trial period at the moment. How do you feel about being treated that way? Does it make you want to put yourself and your future in his hands, or does it make you want to back off and protect your independence and make your own decisions? I really hope it's the latter.

Original poster
theimposter · 02/01/2014 20:15

Good post... Yes I have found the whole thing a bit weird with the kids being made to save all birthday money etc to pay for entries and so on. It's not a cheap holiday like I say. Guess it's not my problem! I'm sure I will miss bits that I would have enjoyed but as you say perhaps he isn't that bothered about me being there either way. I shall enjoy the peace and quiet!

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Original poster
theimposter · 02/01/2014 20:16

'Promising employee' ha ha that made me laugh!!!

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