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AIBU?

To not go on this holiday

108 replies

theimposter · 02/01/2014 11:58

My DPs family have been planning a trip away as a large group for several years. He has 2 kids and they have all been looking forward to it for ages. However this trip is really expensive and not something I would ever choose to do. I earn a lot less than DP and although my parents gave me a generous cheque for Christmas I am worried that I may need this money to cover the mortgage on my house as my tenants are moving out soon and I intend to sell it but it may take a while. Being self employed means an extended holiday hits my pocket too. I don't think it has gone down well that I said I don't want to go but even if I used my Christmas money I would feel it was a waste not using it to go somewhere I actually want to go and I resent that we have to go on so many family things and don't get much holiday time to ourselves without his parents etc.

His kids and family will be upset but even if he paid towards me going I know it would be put on the 'money owed' list and I don't like being in debt. He is very money orientated and sees what I do for work as not very important and even though I work hard at it I will never earn loads. He thinks I should do more 'womanly' tasks despite the fact that I also work long hours and I don't feel it is 'our' house as was very much 'his' before we got together. I am meant to be selling my house so we can get a bigger place together. He keeps dangling the idea of getting engaged at me but he just makes excuses about it and why he hasn't asked yet that put me down and really makes me feel quite insecure about our relationship. I feel he measures our entire relationship on money and housework and doesn't appreciate the many other things I have changed in my life or what I do for the kids as it isn't a measurable thing. Help.

OP posts:

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HaroldTheGoat · 02/01/2014 12:51

Yes that's a good idea Pictish.

OP fuck him and his womanly tasks! What a prize nob.

Maybe give him a bit if an ultimatum knowing you have your house waiting soon.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/01/2014 12:52

Get rid of the man. He's abusive. He wants to train you into submission and obedience, and he will sabotage your business to force you into domestic service to him, while milking you dry financially.

TheVermiciousKnid · 02/01/2014 12:54

Anybody telling me to do more 'womanly tasks' would find themselves on the receiving end of a good old womanly fuck off.

brettgirl2 · 02/01/2014 12:57

Just an observation op you don't seem either surprised or distraught by the advice?

Justforlaughs · 02/01/2014 13:00

Tbh, I would never dream of NOT going on a family holiday if that was what DH wanted to do and would be really upset if DH refused to come away on a family holiday with MY family. However, your situation, as you have painted it in your OP does not appear to be the same thing. From what you have said, I think you need to reconsider your relationship with this man. He seems to under-rate your contribution to the relationship and as for a "money-owed" list??? Seriously?? I am literally speechless!

WoodBurnerBabe · 02/01/2014 13:01

Anyone telling me to do more 'womanly tasks' would get told to fuck right off, quite frankly.

He doesn't sound like a particularly nice bloke to be honest...

HahaHarrie · 02/01/2014 13:01

RUN A MILE. He sounds awful and the relationship sounds really uncomfortable. Don't sell your house. Look for someone who respects you and what you do. No control freaks need apply.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 02/01/2014 13:04

You live together but you pay him rent?

pictish · 02/01/2014 13:05

Anybody telling me to do more 'womanly tasks' would find themselves on the receiving end of a good old womanly fuck off.

ExcuseTypos · 02/01/2014 13:10

The holiday is the least of your problems.

Do not buy a property with him, it will tie you in with him and you don't want to do that.

Take a step back and assess your relationship. Like others say he doesn't sound very nice.

pictish · 02/01/2014 13:15

I know it would be put on the 'money owed' list

He is very money orientated and sees what I do for work as not very important

He thinks I should do more 'womanly' tasks

I don't feel it is 'our' house as was very much 'his'

He keeps dangling the idea of getting engaged at me, but he just makes excuses about it and why he hasn't asked yet, that put me down and really makes me feel quite insecure about our relationship.

I feel he measures our entire relationship on money and housework and doesn't appreciate the many other things I have changed in my life, or what I do for the kids, as it isn't a measurable thing.

Just to break it down into stand alone statements OP. If this were someone's else's relationship you were reading about...what would you advise?

scallopsrgreat · 02/01/2014 13:18

WTF are 'womanly tasks'???

A lot of red flags as others have stated.

Run, run like the wind.

pictish · 02/01/2014 13:22

He wants a housekeeper prepared to pay him for the privilege of being so!
Hilarious!

choceyes · 02/01/2014 13:29

I couldn't live with some one who had a "money owed list". Meanness, controlling and obsessing over money is a total put off for me personally.
He doesn't sound like a nice man OP.
I can understand making concessions and compromises on where to go on holiday and as a family I think most people do, but I think the holiday is the least of your problems.
You are going the "womanly tasks" at home and paying him rent too. You sound like a lodger and an unpaid housekeeper IMO. Sorry if I'm wrong though.

pictish · 02/01/2014 13:31

Well sorry - when I say 'hilarious' - obviously it isn't as the OP is living this.
I mean hilarious as in outrageous as in laughter could be my only response to him.
Didn't mean to be flippant.

theimposter · 02/01/2014 13:38

No am not overly surprised by responses I guess. Our relationship is very up and down but when it's good we actually have a great time and get on really well. The only issues are money and housework. He is very thoughtful in many ways and is a good dad. I just get frustrated as I want to be closer to my friends and family and living somewhere that has appropriate space for me to work and that I feel is equal ground. I don't earn enough to rent a unit and I only need one ground floor room to work out of. He has said that because he is paying for both kids he doesn't want to pay for me also and I said that I am concerned that I will spend much of the holiday watching them all do stuff that I don't want to do. I have various friends around the world that I would love to stay with/ do something more cultural and not having kids myself I just don't see this planned holiday as relevant. If money were no object of course I would go but money is an object and seeing as there are lots of changes happening this year house-wise I just don't see it as prudent to splash the cash on this. Obviously I will miss him and vice versa but it seems the best thing to do and the holiday is really for the kids not the adults.

OP posts:

phantomnamechanger · 02/01/2014 13:43

he wants you to go, you cant afford it, so he pays - that's simple surely?

but I have to say, I don't normally go for LTB but seriously, you pay him rent??? does he also pay YOU then for any chores/childcare you do??

this man sounds controlling and is obviously NOT ready to commit to you on equal terms. I am sorry, but it sounds like you are good enough for now rather than a long term partner.

if you really want a future with him fgs get talking about money, childcare, future commitments to holidays with his family, you time etc etc otherwise it will not last. The divorce thread thats going shows example after example of people who did not discuss these sorts of things, or whose DPs lied about their intentions, if you both have ideas of how you think it will be and these do not match up, its a recipe for disaster.

phantomnamechanger · 02/01/2014 13:45

The only issues are money and housework.

and these are two HUGE issues, that cause rows stress and divorce

Peekingduck · 02/01/2014 13:49

You've got much bigger problems than the holiday haven't you?
I must admit I'd hang on to my house and my financial independence if I were you.
A "things owed" list rings alarm bells for a start. Either he treats you because he wants to and you can't afford it, or he doesn't. In a partnership where the income is unequal the one who earns less can't be considered to be constantly racking up debt to be paid back to the other.
Red flags all over, as others have said.

sharkey1187 · 02/01/2014 13:50

My exP sounds exactly like this. I was young and naive and I thought I was just paying my way fairly. Except when I couldn't keep up with lifestyle because I earn far less than he did, he helped me with money. By keeping track of exactly what I owed and ensuring I repaid every penny when we broke up. He also teased me with further commitments and he was controlling.

5 years later I am married to his opposite. We have joint accounts, he's put me on his mortgage just because I am his wife and not because I've paid my way in. We make decisions together based on our joint finances and not what he thinks we should do.

I know it's not as easy as saying ditch him, but trust me, it's hard and painful but the grass is greener. Just put yourself first and do what's best for you.

Laquitar · 02/01/2014 13:51

If he doesnt respect your job and your income now thenwhat happens if you have children with him?

What if you only have a small income for maternity leave for few months? Is he goung to be upset?

What if you have a bad birth and a high needs baby and you can not do the 'womanly stuff'??

Do not assume that because you work from home you can work with a baby and no paid chuldcare. This is a very common mistake.
So think about these issues before you get engaged to him.

WooWooOwl · 02/01/2014 13:51

Money is a huge issue. It affects everything, so it's not one of those problems that can go in a box and only make itself known occasionally.

There is no question that you shouldn't go on the holiday. Has your place been booked or a deposit been paid for you?

Sorry, but your DP sounds like an arse.

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Peekingduck · 02/01/2014 13:51

"when it's good we actually have a great time and get on really well"
When is that exactly? Can you think about the times when it's good? Is it when you are doing what he wants you to do, going along with his wishes by any chance? Don't hand over your independence to this man just for the sake of more work space.

theimposter · 02/01/2014 13:53

I should add that we have both been running businesses from home. Not easy and I accept that my work can be messy and dirty. The problem is not having an area that is 'mine' as such so that I can keep it how I want and shut the door on it. If I were sat at home not working then of course I would do more round the house but I don't have time as have animal commitments as well as work. His ex never worked and he paid for everything although she did all the housework. I think that is where the issue stems from as I am very different.

OP posts:

pictish · 02/01/2014 13:56

Money and housework are not the only issues.

His lack of regard for your job is another. His sexism yet another.

The fact that you feel that it's 'his' house is an issue, as it highlights his attitude towards you.

That he uses the potential engaement to put you down, keep you dangling, and make you feel insecure, is a major issue. He toys with you to get his own way. He'd marry you if only you were better, isn't that right?

Housework and money are just the tip of the iceberg.

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