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AIBU?

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Original poster

big NY family row who is at fault me or DB

61 replies

NYfamilybustup · 01/01/2014 20:23

Namechanged in case someone recognises me.

Background: my mum died just before Christmas, she wasn't a great mum my DB hadn't spoken to her for 3 years due to things she said about SIL. I had cut contact with her for 5 years however a few months ago she asked for a second chance which I gave to her, she broke her promises so I stopped speaking to her.
I haven't been that upset by my mum's death, I think it is because I had come to terms with never seeing her again. My DB is more upset and I think he was hoping for some sort of big reunion.

So I had plans to go to PILs for NYE but my brother asked me if I would go to him. I said okay though I didn't really want to because they live an hour away and I need to come back and look after the cat before the fireworks. So I said sure but DH and the DCs were still going to PILs. DB said he wasn't sure now. Then MIL said that DB and family could come to theirs if they liked. DB said he would like to come.

So last night DB, SIL and DNs turn up at PILs and the first thing SIL said was your house is huge are you scamming the system. MIL laughed it off and just explained that they bought the house and developed it over 10 years. SIL then had a drink and sat by the food and didn't talk to anyone.

DB marched in sat in a comfy chair and ignored everyone who tried to talk to him. I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't like the dog wandering around. So PILs put the dog in the conservatory, DB didn't improve. I went to talk to him again with a drink and some food and he said that he was bored then he got up and wandered around still ignoring anyone who spoke to him.

I went home to care for the cat and I put my youngest to bed. Then DH came home and said DB was following him and he had just kicked off at the party because the dog was by himself and there were fireworks (the dog is deaf and couldn't hear them so didn't care) and he ended up making MIL cry, then he asked DH if he could come and say happy NY before he went home. I got my other DC ready for bed because he took ages to get to us.

When I came downstairs he slammed through the door shouting that I hadn't told him I was leaving (I had many times) he said I was horrid and turning into our mum. He then started pushing DH, DH kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't so in the end DH (who wasn't really sober) pushed him back and DB fell over. He started shouting about the police and shouting to the DCs that their dad would be locked up. I begged him to stop and just go home and he pinned me to the wall shouting at me. DH pulled him off and dragged him outside.

This morning DB came around and said he was sorry about all that had happened but it was my fault really because I made him feel stupid because I kept talking to him in the party and he hadn't wanted to go anyway. I told him that I had asked him what he wanted too do and anyway it doesn't justify his reaction. He blamed it on grief and said I should understand but I don't and it upsets him. Then he just walked out.

So who is being unreasonable ,should I just forget what he did because he is so upset and I am not caring enough or should I still be annoyed at him for his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
NYfamilybustup · 01/01/2014 20:24

Oops sorry that was longer than I thought. Blush

OP posts:
MythosLivetheDream · 01/01/2014 20:28

YADNBU.
He sounds awful and you did nothing wrong. Being grief-stricken does not excuse acting like an arsehole.

WestieMamma · 01/01/2014 20:30

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd have anything to do with my brother if he was pushing my husband around and pinning me to the wall. Regardless of whether he apologised or not.

The fact that he is blaming you for his terrible behaviour is unforgiveable too.

HissymasJumper · 01/01/2014 20:30

Your DB is a NOB! #fact.

SIL has no such excuse, and she's a NOB too!

You'll have to apologise to your MIL, take her some flowers or something and say that he'll never be allowed anywhere near her again.

LineRunner · 01/01/2014 20:32

Bloody hell. Is your brother normally such a knob, or was this some kind of (wildly unacceptable) bizarre one off?

DameDeepRedBetty · 01/01/2014 20:32

Grief does not normally cause normally decent people to behave so badly. Sorry OP, the logical consequence of that is he meant to be a nasty git last night. Has he behaved badly before?

LineRunner · 01/01/2014 20:33

And I agreed with Hissy about flowers or something for MiL.

ThedementedPenguin · 01/01/2014 20:33

Your DB is a dick and VU.

Nobody forced him to go to the party, if he didn't want to be should of stayed at home.

I feel so sorry for you, your family and your PIL.

Your DB should apologise properly to you and your family. He should be ashamed of himself. He is feeling guilty but that's not your fault or your problem.

Original poster
NYfamilybustup · 01/01/2014 20:36

My DB used to be like that as a teenager but he settled down and I haven't seen him behave like that for years.

I have taken flowers to MIL and said sorry. She was lovely about it and told me not to worry as she was fine.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 01/01/2014 20:38

Agree with everyone else. Grief doesn't excuse that behaviour, not even the confused grief you are both suffering from. He hasn't apologised, he's blaming you & you did nothing wrong. Nothing.

Panzee · 01/01/2014 20:39

You poor thing. Seems he hasn't changed really. I'm glad your MIL was so nice.

Kundry · 01/01/2014 20:39

Agreed your DB is a tosser and you need to do something nice for MIL.

ChazzerChaser · 01/01/2014 20:41

I was very ready to excuse a lot given the recent death, but no he's a knob. YWNBU

Sparkletshirt · 01/01/2014 20:41

Yadddddnbu, your brother is a monster. Might be better if you cut contact with him to, you did really well not to phone the police and jail the bastard. Wine

Original poster
NYfamilybustup · 01/01/2014 20:45

Yes my MIL is lovely and I will probably take her out somewhere nice to say a proper sorry and a big thank you to her and FIL.

I feel like such an idiot I know what he did was so wrong but I can't help but feel sorry for him and love him and I am not sure I could stop seeing him altogether.

OP posts:
HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 01/01/2014 20:45

Sounds like jealousy to me.
that comment about the house was very clear and I doubt your sister in law is grieving.

Andanotherthing123 · 01/01/2014 20:47

You were defo not in any way at fault - your brother set out with an aim to bully someone and managed a pretty good hit rate in one evening (you, your DH, your kids, your MIL). The comment about you being like your mum makes me think he just wants someone to blame for her behaviour and the fact he never managed a reconciliation with her while she was still alive.

I would be very wary about being in contact with him, especially given his physically aggressive behaviour.

NinjaBunny · 01/01/2014 20:57

the first thing SIL said was your house is huge are you scamming the system

Nice.

What happened to 'Hi, nice to meet you..'?

Hmm

He's a dickwad. He pinned you up against a wall and tried to upset your children.

You don't need him in your life.

Kundry · 01/01/2014 21:14

If you don't want to stop seeing him that's fine, he is your brother after all. But I'd suggest you try to keep it as non-inflammatory as possible - neutral territory, not special occasions, no DCs and definitely no ILs. And if possible no alcohol - for his sake more than yours.

Topaz25 · 01/01/2014 21:15

Your DB is at fault, grief is not an excuse for assault. I would consider going to the police, if only to get your side of the story across in case he involves them as he was threatening to do.

Original poster
NYfamilybustup · 01/01/2014 22:46

DB just came around again and asked to come in. He begged and cried to come in.
He sat down and asked me to forgive him and I said I wasn't sure I could. He started crying again saying I am the only family he has. I said we had to work on it and I couldn't trust him right now.
He stood up and started saying that I had to forgive him or he would kill himself right there. I told him to calm down and we would have to go outside because the DCs were sleeping. We got outside and chucked himself on the ground and ripped at the grass. I told him to stop being over-dramatic.

He then grabbed me and pulled me to the ground still crying and begging DH pulled him away and he started swearing saying I hide behind DH and he was going home but he knew I would forgive him if DH stopped brainwashing me.

I have know idea what to do for him SIL has text me saying that he is home and he is fine and she will try and convince him to give me space but he is 'very emotional' right now.

OP posts:
CointreauVersial · 01/01/2014 22:51

Tell DB you'll see him again once he's sorted himself out and can have a rational conversation.

It's possible that it's grief making him behave like this, so you can give him the benefit of the doubt - but only once.

And buy your MIL a big bunch of flowers.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 01/01/2014 22:55

Im afraid your brother is a dickhead, and a drama queen, you dont need that around your children.

echt · 01/01/2014 23:02

Usually when you ask forgiveness, you apologise after admitting a wrong.

His histrionics, especially the suicide threat, are all part of his bullying of the night before.

Tosser, I'd show him the door just for that threat.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 01/01/2014 23:04

Both your db & SIL are a pair of trouble makers & maybe your mum was wise to your SILs behaviour & quite rightly didnt like het. However, I am not excusing your late mother's bad behaviour towards you.

Your db should be made to realise what an anti social idiot he is & be made to apilogise to your MIL. I would be livid with my db if he spoke to my MIL like that.