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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

big NY family row who is at fault me or DB

61 replies

NYfamilybustup · 01/01/2014 20:23

Namechanged in case someone recognises me.

Background: my mum died just before Christmas, she wasn't a great mum my DB hadn't spoken to her for 3 years due to things she said about SIL. I had cut contact with her for 5 years however a few months ago she asked for a second chance which I gave to her, she broke her promises so I stopped speaking to her.
I haven't been that upset by my mum's death, I think it is because I had come to terms with never seeing her again. My DB is more upset and I think he was hoping for some sort of big reunion.

So I had plans to go to PILs for NYE but my brother asked me if I would go to him. I said okay though I didn't really want to because they live an hour away and I need to come back and look after the cat before the fireworks. So I said sure but DH and the DCs were still going to PILs. DB said he wasn't sure now. Then MIL said that DB and family could come to theirs if they liked. DB said he would like to come.

So last night DB, SIL and DNs turn up at PILs and the first thing SIL said was your house is huge are you scamming the system. MIL laughed it off and just explained that they bought the house and developed it over 10 years. SIL then had a drink and sat by the food and didn't talk to anyone.

DB marched in sat in a comfy chair and ignored everyone who tried to talk to him. I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't like the dog wandering around. So PILs put the dog in the conservatory, DB didn't improve. I went to talk to him again with a drink and some food and he said that he was bored then he got up and wandered around still ignoring anyone who spoke to him.

I went home to care for the cat and I put my youngest to bed. Then DH came home and said DB was following him and he had just kicked off at the party because the dog was by himself and there were fireworks (the dog is deaf and couldn't hear them so didn't care) and he ended up making MIL cry, then he asked DH if he could come and say happy NY before he went home. I got my other DC ready for bed because he took ages to get to us.

When I came downstairs he slammed through the door shouting that I hadn't told him I was leaving (I had many times) he said I was horrid and turning into our mum. He then started pushing DH, DH kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't so in the end DH (who wasn't really sober) pushed him back and DB fell over. He started shouting about the police and shouting to the DCs that their dad would be locked up. I begged him to stop and just go home and he pinned me to the wall shouting at me. DH pulled him off and dragged him outside.

This morning DB came around and said he was sorry about all that had happened but it was my fault really because I made him feel stupid because I kept talking to him in the party and he hadn't wanted to go anyway. I told him that I had asked him what he wanted too do and anyway it doesn't justify his reaction. He blamed it on grief and said I should understand but I don't and it upsets him. Then he just walked out.

So who is being unreasonable ,should I just forget what he did because he is so upset and I am not caring enough or should I still be annoyed at him for his behaviour.

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 01/01/2014 23:05

Jesus christ. Does he have history of acting like this? If that was my brother (who doesn't) I would be looking to get him some professional help and fast. If he does have history I'd tell him to fuck off until he gets help.

HissymasJumper · 01/01/2014 23:05

How fucking dare your dickhead of a brother treat your inlaws like that, your H like that, and YOU like that and THEN try to emotionally bully you into putting up with him?

Really?

I'd have bludgeoned the bugger right there and then when he threatened to kill himself or have me forgive him!

He needs to back the fuck up, apologise to your H and his mother via Your H.

Then he needs to go and consider how he treats others, including you.

No emotional blackmail, no coersion, no threats.

I say again. How fucking dare he!

Notawordfromtheladybird · 01/01/2014 23:05

Really. Your brother, father to your nephews, threatened to kill himself if you didn't forgive his shit behaviour on the spot.

I'm sorry if this is too blunt - but are you seeing your mum in his actions?

This isn't grief talking, this is manipulation. And as an outside observer, I can't help but wonder if he didn't learn this by imitating his mums behaviour.

HissymasJumper · 01/01/2014 23:06

I think ultimately you need to cut this idiot from your life. For good.

redexpat · 01/01/2014 23:09

I'd say his behaviour sounds like a poorly articulated cry for help. Could you help him find a counsellor? I get the impression there are other issues underlying the grief.

Monty27 · 01/01/2014 23:10

He needs professional help :(

Preciousbane · 01/01/2014 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillyBanter · 01/01/2014 23:16

How he behaved is deplorable as is trying to blame you. But if you have had regular contact and spending time with him over your adult years and he has not been like this I would be inclined to feel a bit more charitably towards him than other posters. You mother's death does seem to have dealt him a blow and I suppose there must be some complex emotions going on and he clearly isn't coping very well. It may be that his latent abusiveness (learned at his mother's knee) has come to the fore and is his default persona, or it may be a temporary thing. Maybe a breakdown.

Regardless of any sympathy for him it is not acceptable for him to behave this way towards you and you certainly do not have to put up with it at all.

too late now, unless it happens again, but I think calling an ambulance when he threatened to kill himself might not have been a bad idea as they could have taken him in to check his mental health if this is some sort of breakdown. Alternatively you could urge him to talk to his GP about how he is feeling right now and perhaps get a referral.

ohfourfoxache · 01/01/2014 23:17

There may well be issues underneath the grief, but behaviour like that is unacceptable. He sounds like a toddler having a tantrum.

If you do have a relationship with him, make sure you keep him at arms length. And your sil sounds like a horrible piece of work too

Original poster

NYfamilybustup · 01/01/2014 23:17

Yes I am seeing my mum in him

I think he does need help but I doubt he will except any, he hates thinking that people are judging him.

OP posts:

Rowlers · 01/01/2014 23:18

DB either needs to start behaving like a "normal" grown-up
or
He needs medical help

Either way, you need to be careful not to condone his behaviour, for both your sakes.

Alcohol clearly doesn't help, all round.

Worried3 · 01/01/2014 23:18

Your DB was being totally unreasonable. Not only has he behaved appallingly, he is now blaming you for it. This is not acceptable. He has not apologised. Until he does, properly, I would be telling him not to contact you.

He was violent towards you, in your own home, and in front of your children? And you think that's somehow your fault? He sounds like a piece of work- and he knows how to push your buttons, doesn't he? Grieving is not an excuse- it's not even a good reason.

Seriously, OP- you need to consider your relationship with your DB. I'm not saying cut all contact, but you have to be more aware of how he makes you feel, and consider whether more distance would be a good thing. I would be keeping him well away from my DC- I bet they are terrified of him after seeing this incident.

FrankAndFurt · 01/01/2014 23:23

Could he be mentally unstable? It sounds like very extreme behaviour.

Original poster

NYfamilybustup · 01/01/2014 23:29

I am not sure if he is mentally unstable. Both he and my mum were always over dramatic. Even last year he 'fainted' because my 10 year old said shit as he fell down some steps. This was in a large shopping centre and people called the medics for him.

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 01/01/2014 23:31

It's not easy to persuade people with mental health problems to go to the GP. If he threatens suicide again call an ambulance straight away.

Original poster

NYfamilybustup · 01/01/2014 23:31

Though I still think he could use some sort of counselling.

OP posts:

Worried3 · 01/01/2014 23:33

OP, having read your recent post about his subsequent behaviour- I think he needs help. His behaviour is quite narcissistic in character- manipulating, playing on emotions, making it all about him. I don't see any clear signs that he had any intention of committing suicide- it was a manipulative ploy to get his own way, when his bullying tactics hadn't worked. He is also trying to drive a wedge between you and your DH- claiming he's "brainwashing" you into not forgiving him. If you believe he was serious, then you need to encourage him to get help/encourage his wife to push the matter- or if you really think he is in imminent danger- call for immediate help.

I think you also need help OP- help in dealing with this kind of behaviour from him in order to protect yourself, and your family, from this kind of behaviour. I'm not saying cut all contact if that's not what you want- but please get some help regarding how to manage your reactions to his behaviour if you can't get him to get help. Actually, do it even if he does.

BillyBanter · 01/01/2014 23:35

Of course the suicide threat wasn't genuine. Still call an ambulance if he does it again.

winkywinkola · 01/01/2014 23:42

Your brother is mentally unwell. His wife sounds like she has other issues going on.

I would steer very clear from this pair. They will bring nothing but menace to you and yours.

Preciousbane · 01/01/2014 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

johnworf · 01/01/2014 23:47

Sounds like attention seeking behaviour and someone who is emotional immature.

Most of my family are like this and I simply don't talk to them anymore. There's always a crisis and histrionics and I just can't be bothered taking on their very exhausting behaviour.

Original poster

NYfamilybustup · 01/01/2014 23:49

I have had counselling in the past and I will again if I feel I need too, my DH is very good and he helps with these things an awful lot. The main problem.with my DB is that I cared for him a lot growing up and we both saw a lot as well and I we were very close until adulthood. So I don't really feel that I could cut contact altogether.however for my DCs it will have to be restricted.

OP posts:

rockybalboa · 01/01/2014 23:51

Your "D"B is a knobhead. YANBU. Well maybe a little bit when it comes to 'caring for the cat' on NYE. What sort of care does the car need? Our 3 old boys have never needed any special care. But I digress and reiterate my earlier point about your brother being a knob. A rude knob.

Sparkletshirt · 02/01/2014 01:09

however for my DCs contact will have to be restricted

Perhaps you could see him at his place to stop him coming round to yours?

Is he really so selfish he can't see how wrong it is to behave the way he does in front of the children, with violence and shouting? He's an adult and not your responsibility anymore OP. He sounds like he's going to hurt somebody. Why is he after your attention anyway if he's married? He may have MH problems but you can't solve them and he sounds intent on doing damage, I should say continuing the damage he's doing.

ENormaSnob · 02/01/2014 01:15

I wouldnt let this nob anywhere near my dc.

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