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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that fathers who do thier fair share of parenting do not deserve special praise?

52 replies

JRmumma · 30/12/2013 10:44

This has probably been discussed loads of times before on here but i just had to post as the amount of comments i get about how lucky i am that dh does night times, washes up bottles, only 'babysit's' our son when its convenient to him etc astonishes me.

When baby was born and i was trying to establish a milk supply (expressing as baby wouldn't bf), i did all the night feeds as i had to get up anyway to express, and dh did late feed and a morning feed so i got a bit more sleep on either end of the night. As baby got older and i was no longer expressing coz milk dried up, and feeds through the night got less, we evolved our arrangement to one of us did first shift, other does second, and then i did nights mid week while dh was working and he did weekends. Now its settled down we do alternate nights so we both get every other night off.

So many people are shocked that dh does 'so much' and some even say that their partner does none of the night stuff, or they have to negotiate some help for a night off etc and in really lucky. IMO although he has to go to work, i have to look after baby and the home (on mat leave) so we both deserve some rest and dh has never indicated that he feels he shouldn't do as much as me.

I know that our arrangement wouldn't work for all families and that some men's jobs mean that they cant commit to such a routine, or absolutely cannot be tired at work because of the nature of their job. But where they work a mon-Fri office hours type job, why shouldn't they do a share?

I'm not boasting or saying that we are perfect, hubby is not so good at household stuff as our standards are so different, but why is this not the norm?

Dh foes not feel that he is worthy of praise for mucking in and neither do i.

Thoughts please!

OP posts:
volvocowgirl · 30/12/2013 11:13

No more than mothers do too!

YADNBU Smile

IfNotNowThenWhen · 30/12/2013 11:16

Yanbu. I went out with a single dad , who was the rp to his child, and had been for years, as was I. We were both lone parents, but the admiration he got from all quarters for bringing up his child alone was off the charts. I said to him " do you realise that, as society sees it, we are both single parents, hut you are a hero and i am a slag!"
And yet we both were doing the exact same job!

fairnotfair · 30/12/2013 11:17

Wannabe: "HE'S NOT BABYSITTING, HE IS JUST BEING THEIR FATHER!!!!"

Spot on. Gives me the rage every single time.

mrsjay · 30/12/2013 11:20

oh I worked in a nursery years ago (it was probably quite rare then) there was a single dad who had his children and would drop of his kids It was the first time i saw grown women simper and swoon it was ridiculous they would offer to look after his twins or come over and help him blah blah.

HappyMummyOfOne · 30/12/2013 11:20

I hate the "babysitting" thing too but then dislike the "childcare" that women use on here. Neither apply when looking after your own child, its just what you do as a parent. Both only apply if looking after other children.

I think men get more comments from others but there are plenty of women that expect special praise too.

AmberLeaf · 30/12/2013 11:24

IfNotNow I was going to say something similar.

The single dad thing can be ridiculous! compared to single mums its a real 'saints and sinners' thing.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 30/12/2013 11:24

My DP is a wonderful father, he did everything BUT BF DD2 when she was a baby, has unlimited patience with her as she gets older, plays all her imaginary games that i can't get into. Reads her stories EVERY NIGHT even though he needs to stop this now, she is 8 and does not need him to read to her for two HOURS every night, but thats a whole other thread He has probably overcompensated because there are times when i have no patience and can't do these things but he does more than his "fair" share. So i will continue to sing his praises, not because he is a man but because he is an amazing parent.

Original poster
JRmumma · 30/12/2013 11:27

Wow! I never thought id start a completely one sided AIBU!! But i may be about to add something that gets me flamed!

I do think that some women are partly to blame if their partner does not do a share (whatever that share should be in their particular circumstances) as they do not encourage, or even discourage, the father from mucking in, especially in the early days.

Obviously a father cannot bf, but that does not stop them from getting out of bed, doing the nappy change and bringing baby to mum in bed etc.

Someone up-thread mentioned a man acting like a martyr for having cared for baby but some women like to do this too and I know a couple that positively REVEL in it as they feel they have to do everything on their own. The mere mention of their partner sharing the load is completely dismissed!

OP posts:
Summerblaze · 30/12/2013 11:30

YANBU......but I can see why it happens.

I have a very part time job and DH has a highly stressful full time one. I do most of the jobs during the day but when DH gets home he mucks in with either household jobs or with the kids.

On a weekend, he regularly takes them out so that I can have a good blitz without kids around.

I also have a good social life. I'm not out all the time but can be 6 times a month and DH stays home.

I get all the "ooh aren't you lucky" comments and I must say that after looking at my friends DH's, they are right. I think he is just doing his share as he does but the lucky comments are because he is unusual.

Helpful DH's get these comments because there aren't as many of them. Most mothers do all these things but a good helpful man is hard to come by.

mrsjay · 30/12/2013 11:33

yes you do ge mummy martyrs I suppose but you also get women who are traditional and want to do it all - i still think they are loopy--

AmberLeaf · 30/12/2013 11:34

I do think that some women are partly to blame if their partner does not do a share (whatever that share should be in their particular circumstances) as they do not encourage, or even discourage the father from mucking in, especially in the early days

We are talking about grown men not children yes?

I encourage my 11 yr old son with SNs to do things, because he needs it. I see no reason why as a parent I should need or be expected to encourage his adult father to do what he is meant to do as a parent!

I don't need encouraging, why is the default setting of men as parents, as someone who needs encouragement?

It's always womens fault isn't it? even when it is men doing a shit job, somehow the fault goes right back onto a woman.

Procrastreation · 30/12/2013 11:34

DH was great when I bf. I sat on the sofa like a lactating, haemorrhaging dumpling and he did everything else. I don't get the 'I feel excluded by BF' bullshit!

mrsjay · 30/12/2013 11:36

I didnt breastfeed so he knew where the bottles were kept Grin

HazleNutt · 30/12/2013 11:38

DH is SAHD, I have a very stressful, more than a full time job. If roles were reversed, the SAHM would also be expected to do most of the house- and general wifework, as the working parent needs to rest. But in our case, people keep asking if DH gets enough rest and time off. Hmm

Lilacroses · 30/12/2013 11:41

Yes, it is completely annoying. I don't even have a dh I have a dw (gay mums) but I hear people saying this about other dads all the time....especially the "baby sitting" thing!

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 30/12/2013 11:49

My ex was a great hands on dad, we shared everything except breast feeding, when he was home from work. It was just expected. Didn't stop him from leaving us all for his OW, who's a much more 'old fashioned' type of gal, apparently. Angry Perhaps I didn't praise him enough? Hmm

PoppyFleur · 30/12/2013 11:51

DH does fair share of chores and child care, we both work (me part time) & we both travel for our jobs (mostly me away this year). DH doesn't believe he does anything more than an average parent does.

However the amount of "aren't you wonderful for helping out" comments DH gets from MY extended family defies belief! It's mainly from my aunts so definitely a generational thing as my uncles used to come home & expect dinner on the table ready for them.

Original poster
JRmumma · 30/12/2013 11:52

Amber yes you are right, and maybe encourage isn't the right word but what i mean is that in the very early days, i think its fair to say that some (or even most) women feel that more immediate bond and need for their baby and to meet their needs. This COULD lead to a father taking a back seat either because they don't have to do anything as the mother wants/needs to do it all, or because they genuinely feel that letting the mother do it is the nicest/best thing for their wife/partner. If a new mum sits all day with baby glued to them (when not feeding) then the father COULD miss out on that time and immediate bond and confidence that they are able to be just as much of a parent as mum, then this could become habitual.

I know i could have sat cuddling my baby all day every day at First but i was mindful that i should make sure that dh got as much time as possible for the sake of the bond and to learn, just as i was learning, how to care for our child.

I'm not saying that men should be treated like children or should have to be encouraged to want to look after their children. But that might not have been clear.

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 30/12/2013 11:54

It really does mrsjay-it's both funny and a bit sad really.

hoppingmad · 30/12/2013 11:56

Yanbu. Even my own dm constantly tells me I'm lucky that dh is so hands on with the dt's. she tells me she doesn't know how I'd have managed without him Angry. Without him they wouldn't be here anyway, just like they wouldn't be here without me. I am also very hands on with the dt's, I also broke my body carrying and giving birth to them and still kept up with all the other stuff I do that isn't worthy of special praise unless the person doing it has a penis Angry

Yes I am lucky to have my dh, but he is also lucky to have me some days

JumpingJetFlash · 30/12/2013 12:18

To MammaTJ - as a teacher, I would have said exactly the same if the Dad was away. Having either parent away can cause a child to feel upset/ change behaviours. (& as a child who grew up in the forces, I definitely missed my dad a lot every time he went away).

It drives me mad when I have friends who can't do things as they've been out once this week and "it wouldn't be fair to leave DH at home babysitting!" This despite fact that DH has a very active social life on other nights GRRR!

Within our group of friends, my DH definitely does the most and I would only say that we parent equally. It's like he was a saint because he did one of the night feeds a night when she was a tiny baby.

It's not like having a womb automatically makes me a better parent (& if I'm honest he's much more patient than me but shhhh! don't tell him that :-))

stopgap · 30/12/2013 12:42

My normal is a father who did 100% of the cooking, 50% of the childcare due to working shifts, and as much cleaning as my mother.

Thankfully my husband is cut from the same cloth, and loves to cook and do as much with our son as his long hours allow.

I find the threads about lazy, uninvolved partners baffling and completely alien.

grumpyoldbat · 30/12/2013 12:50

YANBU. I work over 50 hrs each week and have to do assignments on top of that. I do the housework too. I let one bit of housework slip and all sorts of put down comments. A man does one thing and gets heaped with praise.

I think it's what others have said so many just don't.

MostWicked · 30/12/2013 13:53

"HE'S NOT BABYSITTING, HE IS JUST BEING THEIR FATHER!!!!"

Completely agree - it's a huge bugbear of mine.

Mums and Dads should appreciate and praise each other, for what they do for their family, but dads are no more or less deserving than mums, for doing the same task.
When you become a parent, you both have equal responsibility for your children.

needaholidaynow · 30/12/2013 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.