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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that fathers who do thier fair share of parenting do not deserve special praise?

52 replies

JRmumma · 30/12/2013 10:44

This has probably been discussed loads of times before on here but i just had to post as the amount of comments i get about how lucky i am that dh does night times, washes up bottles, only 'babysit's' our son when its convenient to him etc astonishes me.

When baby was born and i was trying to establish a milk supply (expressing as baby wouldn't bf), i did all the night feeds as i had to get up anyway to express, and dh did late feed and a morning feed so i got a bit more sleep on either end of the night. As baby got older and i was no longer expressing coz milk dried up, and feeds through the night got less, we evolved our arrangement to one of us did first shift, other does second, and then i did nights mid week while dh was working and he did weekends. Now its settled down we do alternate nights so we both get every other night off.

So many people are shocked that dh does 'so much' and some even say that their partner does none of the night stuff, or they have to negotiate some help for a night off etc and in really lucky. IMO although he has to go to work, i have to look after baby and the home (on mat leave) so we both deserve some rest and dh has never indicated that he feels he shouldn't do as much as me.

I know that our arrangement wouldn't work for all families and that some men's jobs mean that they cant commit to such a routine, or absolutely cannot be tired at work because of the nature of their job. But where they work a mon-Fri office hours type job, why shouldn't they do a share?

I'm not boasting or saying that we are perfect, hubby is not so good at household stuff as our standards are so different, but why is this not the norm?

Dh foes not feel that he is worthy of praise for mucking in and neither do i.

Thoughts please!

OP posts:

MurderOfGoths · 30/12/2013 10:47

It's nuts isn't it? Can't imagine anyone heaping praise on a woman for doing standard childcare/housework and yet men get treated like they are going above and beyond

Wuxiapian · 30/12/2013 10:49

A father should want to help with his children!

RooRooTaToot · 30/12/2013 10:51

YANBU

It irritates DH too. He's a SAHD and he gets lots of comments. The worst ones for him are the HCP and HV when he takes DS to be weighed or for his jabs. They are really patronising and treat him like a small child who has learnt to put their toys away carefully when DH capably undresses his own son!

TheCraicDealer · 30/12/2013 10:53

My boss will frequently make comments about "babysitting" his DS. I always inevitably say something like,"I don't think you can call it babysitting when it's your own child".

What does he want, a star on his arse?!

Geckos48 · 30/12/2013 10:54

I get this same thing nearly every day. People asking me constantly who is looking after the kids and then being amazing that DH is 'babysitting'

He also does half the chores!

I think it is strange that this is so abnormal to some...

WilsonFrickett · 30/12/2013 10:56

Yep, this really boils my piss too. DH couldn't do as much night waking due to the nature of his job, but every single Sunday morning he took DS out for as long as could be managed (ie between feeds when I ebf) and from the comments he'd get at the park, coffee shop etc you'd think he was the risen Christ.

I have a close friend who was a SAHD and the patronising comments he got were ridiculous.

The word 'babysitting' has been banned in our home since day 1 (unless it involves an actual babysitter, not me or DH).

Joysmum · 30/12/2013 10:56

I think everyone deserves to feel appreciated and that means him praising you and you praising him.

I also believe that time and intensity of work (be it unpaid and doing child care and housework or out of the house in paid work) should be equally split.

Therefore if your partner has and easy job and not long hours so that doing more at home makes the intensity/time worked more balanced between the 2 of you then of course that's fair.

In our situation though, hubby's job was far more stressful and intense than the time I was spending at home doing housework and caring for our baby so it would be fair for him to feel he had to do much at home. The first 2 weeks he took off and did absolutely everything though because he wanted to appreciate being a SAHP and DD only hot handed back for feeds! This gave us a good start as being parents. He knew what was involved and how stressful it could sometimes be. It meant he could concentrate on his job and having quality time at home. It also meant that he knew I wanted to keep his home time as quality time and he could rely on the fact and if I asked for help or had a moan he could appreciate why. We had a pact, we'd concentrate on our roles and not expect the other to be a mind reader if we needed a break or got stressed.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 30/12/2013 10:58

This used to wind me up when DD1 was little. My ex was praised for everything. He was wonderful for standing by me and he is a wonderful father now because he takes her 2 nights a week and gives me a pittance in maintenance.

This all totally ignores the fact that he doesn't know DD1, he doesn't spend time with her, talk to her or care about what she thinks or how she feels. He can't seem to see that she's an actual human, and not an object he has to ferry back and forth twice a week.

But she's a credit to him, you see, a credit, to him.

Gah!

PaulMcGannsMistress · 30/12/2013 10:59

YANBU. Dh is still a bit entitled when it comes to housework, but he's getting better, but he's always been a hands on dad and has just always expected that's the way it would be. I've hardly ever got up to them in the night - ever since they were babies, he's the one who has got up, and still does today if there's a problem - he hears them, I never do.

I don't think he deserves extra praise for it - but I will say that I'm very grateful to have a husband who makes an effort, when I see so many tales about men who can't be arsed or who act like martyrs for doing it.

Procrastreation · 30/12/2013 11:00

Well - I think DH deserves special praise for being a great Dad - but he equally praises me to the stars and back for every little drudgey bit of parenting (e.g. thank you for doing parents evening; thank you for taking DD to her swim gala etc etc). And he moseys off with the kids all the time without being a martyr about it.

It pisses me off when people refer to it as 'babysitting' - but that's not his fault!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 30/12/2013 11:02

Oh and fathers "babysitting" their own kids really annoys me to. My friends partner said this to me on one of our rare nights out. "Who has the kids?" "DP does." "Oh, that's nice of him to babysit."

HE'S NOT BABYSITTING, HE IS JUST BEING THEIR FATHER!!!!

pianodoodle · 30/12/2013 11:02

I was thinking about this the other week.

Saturday morning DH was taking DD (2) for a walk in the park.
I was in the drive saying bye bye and elderly neighbour came out for a chat just as they were leaving.

He said "Aw is xxx taking DD off for a bit? He's a great lad isn't he?"

Now while I'm not disputing DH is a "great lad" - the same neighbour sees me taking DD out all the time and it isn't deemed worthy of special praise

It's the idea that he's somehow helping me in my job rather than just taking his own child out because he's her father!

Luckily DH agrees.

Gileswithachainsaw · 30/12/2013 11:02

Yanbu. I hate all this "I fed her for you" bollocks. If your aren't going to do it because it needs doing and merely use it as a stone to throw at me when I tell you your not helping enough with something then forget it. Piss off.

MammaTJ · 30/12/2013 11:03

YANBU, I didn't mind so much the old people with dementia saying DP was babysitting our children when I worked night shifts, but would always go batshit crazy when colleagues did.

Now I am a student nurse and go away to uni, the 'Oh who has the children when you are away?' is getting boring now. They have a Dad. I also got DSs teacher blaming the fact that I was away for a drop in his behaviour. I challenged that and asked if she would be making the same comments if it was his very hands on Dad away.

flatmum · 30/12/2013 11:04

I completely agree but unfortunately they get it because they are still in the minority. My DP does his fair share, pretty much, but constantly acts like he is doing me a favour and is hard done by because all the mothers at our dc school constantly go on about how amazing it is.

mrsjay · 30/12/2013 11:05

YAnbu at all gets on my wick it is a shame though that women feel they have to type in a forum that they are very lucky dad does X Y Z why do they feel the need to do that

my husband did it along side me as he is a parent as well,

I was in Hospital when dd was 14ish months old for 6 weeks we organised childcare between him and family members as he was working, the family members (women) said oh isn't he great for managing I never got oh you do great ever

Procrastreation · 30/12/2013 11:06

DH has been known to 'pose' with the babies for female attention! He'll take them into the office sometimes for the flimsiest reasons - I'm sure it's just to preen - ha ha.

brettgirl2 · 30/12/2013 11:06

tbh I have never heard babysitting as a term for a father having children on their own. I know what you mean by the praise for doing their share but I guess people compare to others. There are a lot of men children around unfortunately.

Kendodd · 30/12/2013 11:08

It also paints men and completely helpless and hapless, men are perfectly able to look after a baby/child every bit as well as a woman, ok, they can't bf, but that's all.

mrsjay · 30/12/2013 11:09

what kendodd said men are not useless and unable to care for children at all and if they act all weak and feeble kick them up the arse tell them to get a grip

Kendodd · 30/12/2013 11:09

Also, 'aren't you lucky' comments, sadly we are lucky, plenty of men do bugger all, but plenty of women let them.

StatisticallyChallenged · 30/12/2013 11:12

Try having a husband who is a childminder...really brings all the comments out of the woodwork. I'm sick of hearing how poor dh needs a break and how hard it must be on him. He has a job he loves ffs! I work full time and am studying towards professional qualifications too so hardly lazing around.

And don't even get me started on the comments about how I should do all the cooking and cleaning since he looks after dd and you can't expect him to do it. Too damn right I expect him to do a substantial share of it-especially since his job means that there is far more cleaning and tidying required.

mrsjay · 30/12/2013 11:12

I suppose you are right plenty of mothers have no support from dads or feel they need to do it all I am not sure which it is though,

mrsjay · 30/12/2013 11:12

a male childminder must blow folks minds

Justforlaughs · 30/12/2013 11:13

My mother has a fit, every time I go away for a night with my DSis and DSil, all of us leaving the kids with DHs. She can't get her head around it at all. He's great at housework and looking after them in the house - or even taking them out somewhere that he's chosen to, but not so good at remembering all their activity commitments, so he'll need a timetable when I go to stay with DSis for a week - and I've made all the necessary appointments for them during that week (meetings with school, hospital appointment etc) so he can have a REAL insight into my life! evil But he will deserve a medal if he gets through the week, and real thanks for letting me go, and paying for the flights!

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