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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thinking about sacking a bridesmaid?

80 replies

wyldchyld · 29/12/2013 21:49

Ugh......

I'm getting married in June (engaged last February) and am aged 22. I'm actually very chilled about the whole thing - apart from one bridesmaid who is now worrying me slightly...

I have three bridesmaids - my lovely 16 yo DSis who is my Chief BM and a total superstar, my godsister (23) who has known me donkeys years and has always been there despite not loads of contact, and another girl (23) who I met about 5 years ago and was very very close to aka BM3.

Here begineth trouble!

BM3 lives quite close to me whilst the others are further away yet I have less contact with her! We used to hang out and chat a lot. BUT it's all gone downhill and I'm considering asking her to back out. AIBU?

Firstly, she was REALLY difficult about her dress - "I don't do that style" or "I won't consider that colour". Then, we found the dresses and she was insistent she was a 12. Fair enough. Bought it - spent a month asking her to come try it so if it was no good, I could swap it within the warranty. She ignored the texts / calls. Finally came round - dress miles too small and said she wanted 16. Had to go and lie and eventually managed to swap the dress. No sweat, kept very calm.

Then got all 3 BMs to meet - had to go and pick her up and make it later in the day than planned as she'd decided to go visit a friend and "couldn't" rearrange. Friend lives 10 mins away and is unemployed.

Then, invited her to come and try on her dress with my and DSis when I tried on my dress to see how they looked, and arranged to drive her. Arranged a time for her to get to mine - no show - rang and rang and was v. nearly late - she eventually answered and said she's decided to go into work for overtime.

FINALLY tries second dress on and very overly critical about dress being miles too big - fits like a glove.

Anyway, can live with all that but she has now suddenly gone silent - keep inviting her round for tea, offering to meet up - she'll say she's at work doing the early shift so invite her for tea but she can't cause she's "working the late shift". Her office is locked at 8pm but she's "working til 11". I know for a fact she can't.

I don't expect her to do BM chores or anything weird like that but to keep in touch would be nice... or to reply to calls / texts / FB messages / anything! She claims she's not going out and just at work constantly but is constantly tagged / photographed out with friends and won't make time for me.

We paid for expensive designer dresses for them on the proviso that they paid for their shoes and jewellery (£35 in total!) - I texted her to remind her - no reply. Again.

Soon to be DH and DM (And DSis) have said try talking to her but consider ditching... I feel like a total bridezilla! She also throws a strop at the drop of a hat and is very attention seeking - particularly after a drink, which she likes a few of!

Sorry for the long post but I feel really torn... We've got a very big, fancy venue which we are travelling a long way to because it has family significance and I don't want my day being stressed by her.

OP posts:
Pigsmummy · 30/12/2013 15:46

I would ditch her but avoid a confrontation. Just don't contact her. She will see your hen night photos on Facebook and get in touch. Then unless she has an amazing excuse for her behaviour then just say that you thought she wasn't interested in being BM. Send her an invite though.

HelloBoys · 30/12/2013 17:15

Sounds as if maybe a bit of jealousy/insecurity here.

Why don't you call round to her or arrange to see her for eg coffee out/shopping trip etc and have a heart to heart with her?

If she won't open up or is difficult afterwards THEN ditch her.

HelloBoys · 30/12/2013 17:17

Oh I meant jealousy/insecurity on BM3 part and could be various reasons, weight, her year out, future job plans etc.

If it were me to I'd even write her a little card nice one. But that's me.

specialsubject · 30/12/2013 17:20

she may have thought that it involved one fitting and turning up. You aren't making mega-demands but there is clearly more to it than that.

tell her that this isn't fun for either of you so thanks, but no thanks. You will have to absorb any costs.

matildamatilda · 30/12/2013 17:50

Has she been a bridesmaid before? Is she maybe feeling a bit overwhelmed and out of place among your two sisters?

I'm afraid I was a bit like your nightmare BM3 when my sister asked me to be a bridesmaid. I thought it meant getting a dress and then showing up on the day and being happy for the bride. I was 19 and tomboyish and raised by wolves inexperienced.

I found the multiple fittings mystifying. I was like, "They measured me and made alterations, why do I have to go and put on the dress again a third time? And why does it have to be a Thing where we all do it together, can I not just pop round?"

Also--I didn't know the other bridesmaids. They were uni friends of my sisters and I was barely out of high school. My sister's maid of honour was her best friend, not someone I got on with all that well tbh, not that I disliked her, we just didn't hang out. Second bridesmaid had in past been rude to me, I guess 'cause I was just a kid, so I felt shy around her. And yet I kept getting these syrupy invitations from them that we were going to have a Bridesmaid Night Out! or a Bridesmaids Coffee Caucus to Talk about Flower Arrangements! I confess that I made excuses as much as I thought I could get away with (no facebook then).

I just say all that to say: is it possible your BM3 really does want to be a bridesmaid, but is feeling out of place?

Maybe have a chat with her and just get a sense of how she's feeling?

Although I agree that if you can't even pin her down for an email conversation then maybe a sacking is in order!

snowed · 30/12/2013 18:10

YANBU. Being a bridesmaid involves making an effort in several ways, and she isn't.

ElsieMc · 30/12/2013 18:11

My DD sacked one of her bridesmaids a few months before her wedding and her DH sacked his best man the week before the wedding. He originally wanted his brother, but he was away in the army and asked a friend instead.

Week before the wedding my younger DD was out in town when first best man made a massive pass at her (he's married with young children). She and her friends took serious exception and her friends set about him resulting in a brawl and my younger DD nearly being a bald bridesmaid as some of her hair was pulled out during the fracas.

My elder DD fell over during her hen night resulting in a suspected broken ankle and she was released from hospital with crutches on which she would have had to go down the aisle.

They actually kept this from me til after the wedding giving me some ludicrous story about the best man. The bride limped down the aisle rather than admit her hen night disaster.

Take my advice and just get rid. I think you will be doing both of you a big favour.

Joysmum · 30/12/2013 18:30

I wouldn't sack her now. I'd contact her with a deadline to get in touch and then explain that you'd like her to keep in touch and anything else that is a proviso of being bridesmaid. Only if she doesn't after you've been clear would I ditch. People aren't mindreaders and what might seem obvious to some, may not be to others.

nooka · 30/12/2013 18:52

My bridesmaids duties involved essentially turning up looking beautiful on the day and that's about it. I don't really understand why weddings have turned into such massive events - it seems to add a huge amount of pressure to everyone. If the plan was to have dresses that would get worn afterwards (lovely idea) then I can quite see why the BMs might be picky about them - I have strong ideas about what styles and colours work for me and most bridesmaid dresses are really fairly hideous. The arrangements do sound tricky, it looks to me as if she has got cold feet about the whole thing, she might well have not really understood what she was agreeing to and is regretting saying yes.

So talk to her about it and see if you can get her to pull out without it being a big deal. You may well be happier with two bridesmaids you can trust, and she might be happier to be in the crowd.

Original poster
wyldchyld · 30/12/2013 20:11

Thanks for all the advice. It's helping a lot! Just to clarify - a few people have commented that she may not have realised how much responsibility she would need to take on. Essentially, my main problem isn't that she isn't doing bridesmaid duties (so far, all she's had to do is try on twice haha and I could understand if she couldn't make it - more of an issue that she said she could / asked to go to the event then cancelled / didn't show), it's that she's not being a friend, period. I keep messaging her - not about wedding stuff, just about how's stuff going, d'you want to meet up for coffee and catch up as I've not seen you in ages etc - and she doesn't reply or lies (like the working an early shift / late shift in the original post).

Le sign. I wouldn't mind if I demanded she clean my house or do my ironing (oooh, though that would be nice), I'd just be happy if she'd text me back or meet up for a catch up.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 30/12/2013 21:22

It is your wedding.

My mum sacked the wedding caterers before her and my dad married. Sacking a bridesmaid is a first (that I've heard of).

pixiepotter · 31/12/2013 08:42

wow some eye opening stories on here ! When i got married my bridesmaids duties consisted only of giving me their measurements .beforehand and then turning up on the day

BoohPear · 31/12/2013 09:01

My friend sacked one of her bridesmaids as she just wasn't interested. She even pulled out of the hen do 3 months before it was happening as she got a better offer to go out!

You don't want to look back on your wedding pictures and regret her being on them.

glasgowsteven · 31/12/2013 10:35

nice dress...

maybe she is worried how she will look in a 16

are your other 2 bridesmaids skinny girls?

and ditch

Chippednailvarnish · 31/12/2013 10:43

She's jealous...
Ditch her now before she appears as a sulky face ruining your wedding photos!

SaucyJack · 31/12/2013 10:50

Just sack her off.

It's supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Do you really want it spoilt by some former friend trudging up the aisle behind you with a face like Kevin the Teenager?

That dress is gorgeous btw.

higgle · 31/12/2013 10:55

Just to say that ne of my friends had this problem, she wanted two grown up bridesmaids and these were her sister and her best friend local to where she was living and working ( the met at a club they were both members of) It seemed ideal and even better sister and friend were about the same height and happy to wear the same(very nice) style of dress. The second bridesmaid became more distant as the day approached and was as miserable as sin at the wedding, thereafter she never contacted my friend again and refused all invitations to meet her.
The general consensus was that she was a bit jealous of my friend getting married, friend now says she feels sad about it when she looks at her wedding photographs and wishes bridesmaid had just refused the invitation.

hackneybird · 04/01/2014 17:35

Op how are you getting on? Have you decided what to do?

HowlingTrap · 04/01/2014 17:37

i had this issue although yours is more extreme with a much ruder bridesmaid.

I would send her a frank text explaining why she is sacked.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/01/2014 17:40

I asked a BM to back out, as it was clear she wasn't very into the whole thing. She was fine about it. No hard feelings. There's nothing wrong with asking her to step down as long as you're clear and firm and not huffy about it.

nkf · 04/01/2014 17:45

Ludicrous to talk about sacking. Are you paying her? If it doesn't suit you, then tell her you've changed your mind. But then it's bye bye friendship too. Up to you.

HowlingTrap · 04/01/2014 17:49

well shes not exactly been a good mate

Justforlaughs · 04/01/2014 17:52

I wish I'd sacked my BM who decided what colour/ style of dress she would wear and what she wouldn't. As she was also going to be my Sil, it might be just as well I didn't, but I do wish I'd never asked her.
I think you need to have a conversation with her about her lack of interest.
From another perspective, my DSis asked me to be her BM and I was bowled over. I was so pleased, loved the dress etc until I tried it on. I am over weight and her other BMs were all thin and a lot younger than me. I felt like an elderly beached whale. I almost backed out, spent nights in tears about how I looked. I eventually asked her if she would mind if I wore a stole over the dress, as I was older than the others. She was fine with it, and I was much more comfortable and happier with it. (I hope she really didn't mind, having read these threads I'm worried now) I'm just saying that there may be some under lying reason, why she isn't as enthusiastic as you would like, which could actually be easily sorted out, if you spoke to her.

landrover · 04/01/2014 17:52

Wy don't you be brave and just ring her, texting is obviously getting you nowhere, ring her up, make a date and ASK her whats up? xxxxxx

Juliaparker25 · 04/01/2014 19:04

Is she bigger than size 12 .............