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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thinking about sacking a bridesmaid?

80 replies

wyldchyld · 29/12/2013 21:49

Ugh......

I'm getting married in June (engaged last February) and am aged 22. I'm actually very chilled about the whole thing - apart from one bridesmaid who is now worrying me slightly...

I have three bridesmaids - my lovely 16 yo DSis who is my Chief BM and a total superstar, my godsister (23) who has known me donkeys years and has always been there despite not loads of contact, and another girl (23) who I met about 5 years ago and was very very close to aka BM3.

Here begineth trouble!

BM3 lives quite close to me whilst the others are further away yet I have less contact with her! We used to hang out and chat a lot. BUT it's all gone downhill and I'm considering asking her to back out. AIBU?

Firstly, she was REALLY difficult about her dress - "I don't do that style" or "I won't consider that colour". Then, we found the dresses and she was insistent she was a 12. Fair enough. Bought it - spent a month asking her to come try it so if it was no good, I could swap it within the warranty. She ignored the texts / calls. Finally came round - dress miles too small and said she wanted 16. Had to go and lie and eventually managed to swap the dress. No sweat, kept very calm.

Then got all 3 BMs to meet - had to go and pick her up and make it later in the day than planned as she'd decided to go visit a friend and "couldn't" rearrange. Friend lives 10 mins away and is unemployed.

Then, invited her to come and try on her dress with my and DSis when I tried on my dress to see how they looked, and arranged to drive her. Arranged a time for her to get to mine - no show - rang and rang and was v. nearly late - she eventually answered and said she's decided to go into work for overtime.

FINALLY tries second dress on and very overly critical about dress being miles too big - fits like a glove.

Anyway, can live with all that but she has now suddenly gone silent - keep inviting her round for tea, offering to meet up - she'll say she's at work doing the early shift so invite her for tea but she can't cause she's "working the late shift". Her office is locked at 8pm but she's "working til 11". I know for a fact she can't.

I don't expect her to do BM chores or anything weird like that but to keep in touch would be nice... or to reply to calls / texts / FB messages / anything! She claims she's not going out and just at work constantly but is constantly tagged / photographed out with friends and won't make time for me.

We paid for expensive designer dresses for them on the proviso that they paid for their shoes and jewellery (£35 in total!) - I texted her to remind her - no reply. Again.

Soon to be DH and DM (And DSis) have said try talking to her but consider ditching... I feel like a total bridezilla! She also throws a strop at the drop of a hat and is very attention seeking - particularly after a drink, which she likes a few of!

Sorry for the long post but I feel really torn... We've got a very big, fancy venue which we are travelling a long way to because it has family significance and I don't want my day being stressed by her.

OP posts:
MissBurrows · 30/12/2013 01:35

I'd ditch her. It's your big day, she shouldn't be marring that by being difficult.
It must be difficult to be so torn.

Hope it all turns out for you.

ravenAK · 30/12/2013 01:37

Can you not just drop her an email saying 'we've seen so little of each other lately, I'm getting the impression you can't really be arsed with the whole bridesmaid business - can you let me know & if that's the case, that's fine, no hard feelings, see you around?'

guccigirly · 30/12/2013 01:38

It sounds to me like she is either having second thoughts about being a bridesmaid, or she is jealous and trying to give you a run around. I would say to her that you don't think she is enjoying it as much as you would have hoped and that you think it is probably best that she comes along as a guest and then there is no pressure on her on the day. She will probably be relieved by the sounds of it. Good luck.

GhettoPrincess001 · 30/12/2013 01:47

It's the friend that she was visiting that's unemployed. I agree to ask her outright if she still wants to be bridesmaid.

She's not being a very good friend or anything. So, if she wants nothing more to do with you after this, then no problem.

I got quite hurt that my then best friend agreed to be my bridesmaid but had to back out 'cause she was pregnant, after agreeing. No further comments please.

I asked another friend who, on a Sunday morning and slightly hung over, stood in her bra and pants in a total strangers house getting her bridesmaids dress fitted/made.

We're still friends now. That friendship started as the other one was ending.

ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 01:49

Get rid and ditch her from your life completely. I wish I'd done the same in 2009- I've just cut mine out really regret not doing it sooner.....

FrankAndFurt · 30/12/2013 01:52

Were you clear she would have to buy her own shoes and jewellery BEFORE asking her if she wanted to be your bridesmaid. If not, then maybe she is pissed off about that.

I agree that the bridesmaid dresses are for you not for the bridesmaids IYSWIM.

I think you would regret having her as your bridesmaid so you should ask her about it. If she doesn't back out and you end up 'sacking' her then you should reimburse her if she has already bought the jewellery and shoes.

picklesrule · 30/12/2013 01:54

another vote for ditching. even if you drag the friendship out to the wedding it doesn't sound like it is going to continue much past that! sounds like it has run its course... these things happen. no need to feel guilty!

Bogeyface · 30/12/2013 01:55

She's jealous.

THis day was supposed to be about her being a BM and now she has realised it is about you and your DH2B, that doesnt fit in into her her world view!

Ditch her.

zippey · 30/12/2013 02:18

On the whole yes ditch her. But I also get what some are saying about them buying jewelry and shoes at £35. If you can afford to buy them expensive designer dresses, I don't understand why you font just get the £35 worth of extras for them. Sounds a bit mean, esp if your friend is unemployed.

Original poster
wyldchyld · 30/12/2013 12:07

Sorry, just to clarify a couple of points.

The dresses which have been chosen aren't "bridesmaid-esque dresses" and all three wanted them as they live in three different areas of the country and all have graduate / college / university balls etc coming up after the wedding which they are planning to wear them to. Dress but without the belt. They were deliberately chosen to be formal dresses - not typical bridesmaid dresses.

The agreement before buying them was that because the dresses were a little pricey but all three wanted them as they were planning to wear them again, would they be able to pay for shoes and jewellery because the bridesmaid dresses were stretching the budget. Colour scheme is burgundy so it will fit the scheme but isn't typical bridesmaid. BM3 told me she had put away £150 for shoes and jewellery(!) and I deliberately kept it as low as possible. I have paid for the shoes and jewellery as I got them as end of line items in a local store and they were all happy to give me the money back (haven't yet asked for). BM3 isn't unemployed - she pushed back a fitting at the very last minute to go see an unemployed friend who was available all the time.

I think it's looking like we're going to have to have the awkward chat. Another thread talked about a bride being frustrated still when looking at her photos because a BM was in them who caused nothing but trouble and it put a dampener on the day - don't want that.

Thanks all =)

OP posts:
Vikki88 · 30/12/2013 12:53

Just do your best Alan Sugar impression. "BM3 - you're fired".

Simple! She deserves it.

pixiepotter · 30/12/2013 13:07

She wants out.But wants to push you into dropping her so that you can be the bad guy, not her

Mitchell2 · 30/12/2013 13:25

It certainly sounds like she wants out or isn't living up to your expectations but a word of warning. You only have your perspective here - and not hers.

I was a bridesmaid that on the surface the bride didn't think that I was living up to her expectations (and spoke to others not me about it). One of our mutual friends had a 'word' with me, and once she got my side of the story she was horrified with the brides behavior not mine! And the themes are similar - dresses, being available, and ££. Whilst yes being a bridesmaid you need to put yourself out, the BM's life doesn't stop, especially for weddings that seem to be planned for ever (OP yours seems reasonable but in my case is was 2 YEARS of being expected to drop everything if something came up for the wedding!)

Having been a bride myself in recent times I can see its easy to see both sides of the story but I personally, if valued her friendship, wouldn't ditch her outright, and certainly wouldn't have an awkward chat about it, I would have a grown up conversation with her about it all and get her perspective on the situation.

If you still after that chat think she is being unreasonable by all means ditch her but I would also be ditching as a friend at that point if its so bad!

jay55 · 30/12/2013 14:13

You're being quite judgmental about your friends career and big headed that you think she's jealous you're settling down, maybe you've been this way in person - or she's heard about it from others and is avoiding you.

Relieving her from being bridesmaid may be desired from both sides.

DameDeepRedBetty · 30/12/2013 14:16

Nothing to add except that I really like the dress!

pixiepotter · 30/12/2013 14:34

There you go! Send it to Betty , and BM no3 -sorted!!

Original poster
wyldchyld · 30/12/2013 14:38

Jay55 - no judgement about her career at all, the comment about her wanting a year to party and find herself is her words. If anything, I think it's a good idea - it'd be nice if we all could, so I'm pleased for her! I didn't think I was being big headed in saying she's unhappy I'm not doing the going out thing - we met as partying friends and were each other's "wing women" for a couple of years and she has said more than once she thinks I'm mad to give it all up. I've been careful not to say anything negative or anything that could be construed as negative cause I genuinely think it's a good idea her having a year out - she worked really hard for her degree. Sorry if I wrote it badly - I wrote her exact words but didn't make that clear.

Betty - thank you, I fell in love with them completely and luckily the girls loved it!

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 30/12/2013 14:38

gorgeous dress.

Agree with others, ditch her. You don't have to be unpleasant about it. Just email or text saying she's clearly not very enthusiastic about being a bridesmaid and, for the sake of your friendship, you think it's best she steps down.

Roshbegosh · 30/12/2013 14:50

Lovely dress.
Why is there so much fuss for someone to follow you down an aisle for a few seconds? If she is not communicating she has to be ditched.

CombineBananaFister · 30/12/2013 15:02

It sounds like you're at two completely different life stages and it's a shame the friendship has faltered but by the sounds of it you maybe don't have as much in common anymore - it happens.

YWNBU to ask her to back out based on her lack of interest/effort (don't think you sound bridezilla) and maybe she'd be relieved, probably she agreed when you were closer? Doesn't mean she should mess you about now though, she should just man up and say she's not that bothered.

It sounds like she wants the friend who used to go out partying who had no other commitments and you're not that person anymore. People move on/grow-up/change.

Don't let it ruin your wedding. The dress is beautiful btw.

InTheRedCorner · 30/12/2013 15:12

Bin her.

The dress is lovely btw.

parkin2010 · 30/12/2013 15:14

Sounds like youve just grown apart. Tell her but dont text or email though- personally I find that cowardly. It may be just wording/semantics but I hate the term "sacked"- you are not her boss. How often when you text her etc is the subject been centred around the wedding? If you hadnt text her enquiring about how she is doing for a while then sent one demanding £35, personally my reaction would not be positive, especially if the wedding wasn't imminent. You need to show interest in her life too/ suggest meeting for non-wedding related activities. Forgive me if you have tried this.

MintyChops · 30/12/2013 15:16

Beautiful dress!!

I think in this case a letter or email would be best. I would do as SDTG has suggested on page 1. This makes it clear that you aren't happy, and why, and gives her the opportunity to make an effort to remain bridesmaid. Not a giant, huge effort, a small "getting in touch to talk it through" effort. It also means if she doesn't get in touch then it is clear that she is no longer a bridesmaid.

It's unlikely the friendship will survive if she is sacked but she doesn't sound like a great friend.

TheBigJessie · 30/12/2013 15:25

You seem generally reasonable about things like her making hard work out of dress sizing (it's daft to focus on the little number on the tag, instead of whether it fits, especially if you're a bridesmaid) but I feel my hackles rising with your references to her friend's unemployment. Her friend may have a totally free schedule. Or she may not. But I'm not willing to take it for granted that someone has a totally free schedule just because they're without paid employment.

TheBigJessie · 30/12/2013 15:28

Your issue should be with the fact that your friend made arrangements that conflicted with her prior arrangements with you, not bound up with assumptions about other people's schedules.