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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resist going skiing?

103 replies

littleredsquirrel · 29/12/2013 19:48

DH is desperate to go. Every conversation we have had with other people (friends family etc) this Christmas has come back to it. "I want to go skiing LRS won't let us. To the extent that today when it came up for the sixth time over the past few days, this time in front of his best friend I said in frustration "can we just try to have one person we don't argue about skiing in front of?". I said it in a nice(ish) way and he responded "can you just stop being permanently stroppy?".

He is getting the kids to ask ten times a day, particularly in front of people.

He is seriously pissed off with me about the fact that we're not going and every time I try to talk about anything money related e.g. the new kitchen we are in the middle of having done, he just refuses to discuss it and says he wants to go skiing.

I hate skiing. We went two years ago because he wanted to go. It was his 40th birthday treat. The kids are very much beginners and I can ski but don't enjoy it. He went every year when he was little until he was in his twenties.

We can't afford to go. It is a ridiculously expensive holiday. We are going to Florida in October for two weeks and we can't change this. I have recently left my job to set up a new business and cashflow is an issue, whilst some months income is goo others it is non existent.

I feel like I'm dealing with a sulky teenager not an adult. We are now barely talking and I'm finding it really upsetting.

AIBU? Should we just spend money we don't really have (or have earmarked for other things)?

OP posts:
whois · 29/12/2013 22:58

Let him go on his own or with mates

^ This

However maybe he wants his kids to enjoy am get doing at skiing since he enjoyed it so much going as a child.

I sympathise with him, I love skiing. But I now go without DP.

ArgumentsatChristmas · 29/12/2013 22:59

I know that it all comes down to making choices as to what you do for money. But I personally would never want my DH to feel that he cannot do what he really truly wants to do because I'd put the kybosh on it. I kind of feel that would be unfair. I don't see why you should have to suffer though. Can you get him to take the kids and use the money saved by you not going to do something nice on the house or even treat yourself to something you would enjoy instead?

Caitlin17 · 29/12/2013 23:03

Assuming the OP and her family are not bathing in a tin bath in front of the fire and using an outside toilet I'm sure a skiing holiday with dad would be first choice.

In the long term a great week with Dad doing something he loves and teaching them about it may mean an awful lot more than a new bathroom suite.

flipchart · 29/12/2013 23:05

I with your DH.

I would loath it if I couldn't go snowboarding just because my partner didn't like it. I would hate to go to Florida instead of a mountain holiday.

I have my big holidays with the family but also board quite cheaply in Eastern Europe a couple of times a year and also head up to the Cairngorm.

SantanaLopez · 29/12/2013 23:08

Compromise. You're going to Florida this year. Next year, no summer holiday but you go skiing somewhere.

Why shouldn't he get to pick the holiday location? I'm assuming he's paying for part of it too.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 29/12/2013 23:09

This isnt about skiing, tiddleywinks or competitive flower arranging. They cant afford it. That is it, end of discussion.

Perhaps they can afford it next year.

Does the DH have a money tree out in the garden? Doubt it somehow.

I am staggered by the extent of financial ineptitude being demonstrated on this thread.

ArgumentsatChristmas · 29/12/2013 23:11

They can afford it though - it's just that the money is earmarked for other things. I think it is the earmarking that is the problem - the OP and her DH have different priorities - this is what needs to be resolved.

trixymalixy · 29/12/2013 23:12

But I personally would never want my DH to feel that he cannot do what he really truly wants to do because I'd put the kybosh on it. I kind of feel that would be unfair.

Exactly! I have a private grumble about the money/time DH spends on his campervans, but they've been his passion since he was a boy, long before I met him.

I would feel like a controlling, horrible wife to put the kybish on that for DH. Life is so short, it would be terribly sad if my DH wasn't able to spend some of it doing what he loves. Why should that stop because we have kids, and why should he not be allowed to share his passion with them, just like I want my kids to share in my passions (tennis btw)?

trixymalixy · 29/12/2013 23:13

Worry, nobody on this thread is saying they should go if they can't afford it. RTFT.

minglemanglemunchkin · 29/12/2013 23:20

I know this well! My DH is exactly the same. Despite having just moved into a new (bigger, more costly) house and with the expense of Christmas etc he refused to even consider the idea of not going skiing this year. He also refused to go alone (with friends but not me) or go somewhere cheaper. Whilst I have enjoyed our ski holidays in the past, I can definitely think of other things I'd prefer to spend the money on - a hot, exotic beach holiday for one or house renovation!! No suggestions but you are definitely not alone!

trixymalixy · 29/12/2013 23:26

Well that's unfair too mingle. There should be compromise both ways.

Financeprincess · 29/12/2013 23:27

He is acting like a big, sulky baby. I'd refuse to discuss it until he can do so sensibly.

I don't want to go skiing every year. My husband goes on a very basic boys' skiing holiday in January, then we might also go together with a mixed group in rather more luxury when it's less cold. I would not react well to being badgered to go.

So I say, let him arrange, and work out how to pay for, his own trip and you get to spend, or save, an equivalent amount just for you. I wouldn't consider it until he stops behaving like a whiny child, though. Enlisting the kids to help with the pleading is completely unreasonable.

QuintessentialShadows · 29/12/2013 23:28

Finland. Levi is cheap. www.tripadvisor.com/SmartDeals-g677549-Levi_Lapland-Hotel-Deals.html

ArgumentsatChristmas · 29/12/2013 23:35

It is worth saying though that denying somebody something they really want (if they even let you do this, which they probably shouldn't) is a route towards resentment and could cause permanent damage to a relationship. I kind of see it as my role to empower and support members of my family.

I should say here that I am with you OP. I hate skiing, I really do. I don't like heights, I have no sense of balance and I hate being cold. DS is unenthusiastic, but can ski. DP was a super keen skier but due to disability can no longer ski. DD is a maniac for snow. She begs us every year to take her despite the fact that she goes every year either with my cousins or with the school. Our family holiday this year is skiing. Joy.

VonHerrBurton · 30/12/2013 00:01

OP seems to have disappeared....

Maybe they've gone, after all :).

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/12/2013 00:03

trixy, thanks, I have read the thread. It does just seem that given that the OP has said they cant afford it posters are still suggesting that he should go with friends as though that will somehow create money from nowhere. I am assuming that the OP is perfectly capable of basic maths and that once family money has been allocated there is none left.

notallytuts · 30/12/2013 00:05

YABU

he really wants to go
the kids want to go
sounds like the kitchen is being done for predominantly your benefit (if he wont discuss it it doesnt sound like something he wants to be involved with)
you are going to florida - whos decision was this?
you have recently left your job to start a new business

try earmarking some family money for what he and the kids want, not you

ArgumentsatChristmas · 30/12/2013 00:06

The exam question is this:

AIBU? Should we just spend money we don't really have (or have earmarked for other things)?

So the money is there but it has been earmarked (by the OP?) for other things. It is not about creating money from nowhere.

If something is really important to someone, then in fairness, due respect has to be given.

wobblyweebles · 30/12/2013 00:15

Why go to Florida when you could be skiing? shakes head sadly

Caitlin17 · 30/12/2013 00:18

I'd take a holiday over a new bathroom suite any day.

gamerchick · 30/12/2013 05:22

If he wants to do it that much.. tell him to start saving for one. Why is it down to you though.. do you do all of the organising for holidays?

dontcallmemam · 30/12/2013 06:55

Err, are your DC school age? I might be tempted to agree but with a budget. Half term is ridiculously expensive and as far as I can see all the flights & accommodation are fully booked.
Let him do a little googling and reach his own conclusion that you can't afford it this year as a family.
He could then do a weekend with mates at about a tenth if the cost of a family week at half term.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/12/2013 07:14

Tell him to go on his own or with his mates. There's no reason you should be dragged on a holiday you won't enjoy.

Personally I couldn't think of anything worse than a holiday that involved snow.

Pinkspottyegg · 30/12/2013 07:26

I think the DH is being very childish in his approach. However there is more to it. Kids will always default to the fun things in life, not the practical. Skiing can be great but also possibly the most stressful holiday we have had as a family and judging from the DH's professional sulks I can imagine that once in the resort the OP is the one left to deal with the beginner kids because DH wants to go carve up some off-piste action. That is not fun. Some serious discussion required (not in front of others) regarding priorities.
And skiing is never cheap. In Scotland for a family of four you are looking at £100 a day excluding equipment hire (I live and ski here so I know). Conditions are sporadic so you won't/can't book a week to ski like you can abroad. PRices are the same whether there is one lift or all lifts operating. It can be beautiful but in my experience this happens only when you get up one morning mid-week with bluebird skies and empty slopes and can decide in a moment. Difficult if you have kids/work/time to juggle.
We had our first family skiing holiday last year, did it on the cheap (still £3k) and stress of getting through Swiss/French Geneva airport, carrying all our kit from an Easyjet flight, car hire etc. just wasn't worth it. We can all ski but our kids didn't love it enough to justify the expense. We will probably do it again when they are teenagers and can appreciate the experience more (8&10 at the moment).
I think many of the comments are very unfair on the OP who seems to be the voice of reason and is being practical but her DH is being a stroppy, selfish twat IMO.

ZenNudist · 30/12/2013 07:54

Did the OP not come back?

I think HIBU to go on about it in front if friends. Or getting kids to ask. Sounds very PA & childish.

Going every 2-3 yrs skiing Isn't unreasonable. Also think he & dc should go without you but that implies you deserve something back yourself.

You mention 3 things sapping the money:

  1. Florida
  2. Kitchen
  3. New business

You don't say if this is all agreed with dh. Was the old kitchen fine but you want an upgrade? Is Florida something you both wanted or only one of you? Think that's enough if a treat for dc for one year but perhaps plan skiing for 2015.

Is the new business a lifestyle change for you (improvement from previous job) or just trying to bring in family money.

Tell him to stop treating you like the big bad 'I said no' and take some ownership for financial effects of decisions you presumably took together.

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