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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To forgive my friend who lied to me about what she's doing with DS?

63 replies

FoxyHarlow123 · 29/12/2013 18:02

AIBU or just too darn R? My friend looks after my DS in the week. I pay her to do this. She is amazing with him and he loves her and I trust her implicitly. By sheer chance, I found out that she was lying to me about something she was doing with him - as in, she said she was taking him to a group but she wasn't. She bareface lied about it and only confessed when she'd run out of options. After she confessed, she was mortified and said all the right things and I said I was prepared to let it go cos I don't want anyone else looking after DS. But it's still on my mind and bubbling under the surface, that she took my money and lied to me. So, am I a mug to just forget it and carry on like nothing has happened? WWYD?

OP posts:
DeepThought · 29/12/2013 18:05

Well

You use unregulated care with no contract and prob no first aid knowledge, suck it up

FourFlapjacksPlease · 29/12/2013 18:06

how can you trust someone implicitly when you know they have lied to you? This is a huge deal when someone is caring for your child. Did she do it for the money? I couldn't get past this in a friendship, let alone with someone I was paying to look after my children.

YABVVVU - what else do you think she might lie about?

Rhubarbgarden · 29/12/2013 18:07

I would ask her why she did it.

BuffyxSummers · 29/12/2013 18:08

You are a mug if you continue to trust her with your child. If she lies about something like groups, what else will she lie about? You should use proper childcare.

AimeeDubucqdeRivery · 29/12/2013 18:10

I couldn't implicitly trust someone who was lying to meand prepresumably pocketed the money that was meant for a group thing.

I'd worry about what else she might be lying about.

There are lots of exceptionally good childminders out there. I'd look for one of them then change childcare arrangements.

Do you know why she lied to you?

BlackDaisies · 29/12/2013 18:10

Agree, when you have a small child involved, you are unreasonable to accept care from someone who can look you in the eye and lie like she did. Basically you know now that you can't trust her, and that's too much of a risk to take for your ds.

Original poster
FoxyHarlow123 · 29/12/2013 18:12

She says she knows she's really stupid to have done it and it was a stupid mistake. I should have said, I DID trust her implicitly but this has, of course, shaken that trust.

OP posts:
RedPencilPot · 29/12/2013 18:13

YABU

How much do you pay her? Couldn't you get proper, regulated care for your ds?

HoHoHopelessAtNamingBabies · 29/12/2013 18:13

Why did she lie about this? Were you paying for the group?

DameDeepRedBetty · 29/12/2013 18:14

I can't get my head round why she should have lied to you about this - unless you were giving her the money for this activity and she's been embezzling it?

Either way I'd be making enquiries about finding alternative childcare.

Original poster
FoxyHarlow123 · 29/12/2013 18:14

The thing I'm struggling with though is, she's amazing with him - the best I've ever had and I wouldn't change a single thing about how she is with him. I'm so upset that she's done this and rocked the trust and relationship.

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 29/12/2013 18:15

This is your child. What do YOU think?

TippiShagpile · 29/12/2013 18:15

We sacked a nanny for lying to us about what she was doing with our (very young) children.

If you can't trust the person who is looking after your children then walk away. Very fast.

Original poster
FoxyHarlow123 · 29/12/2013 18:17

I pay her really well and cover holiday pay etc.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 29/12/2013 18:17

Has she said why she didn't take him and why she lied about it?

Utterly · 29/12/2013 18:18

I think you know the answer. Stick to your guns.

TidyDancer · 29/12/2013 18:18

And also is this an official arrangement? Ie is she qualified etc. If you have a contract with her, you need to think about whether you want to break it.

Original poster
FoxyHarlow123 · 29/12/2013 18:18

Just to be absolutely clear, DS is at no risk whatsoever. She adores him and wouldn't hurt a hair on his body. In this regard, the trust is still 100% rock solid.

OP posts:
TippiShagpile · 29/12/2013 18:19

What you pay her is irrelevant. She lied to you about what she was doing with your child. And it sounds like a stupid reason to lie.

What else is she lying to you about?

olibeansmummy · 29/12/2013 18:19

Were you giving her the money to go to the group? If so then she has stolen from you. It's difficult though... I think I'd forgive her eventually...

hoppinghare · 29/12/2013 18:20

I would wonder what else she was lying about. Why even lie about what groups she takes him to? I'd look for a different childminder. I'd also ignore the comments about unregulated childcare. A person doesn't become better with children just because they have attended a short course. Obviously you wouldn't leave your child with a stranger who wasn't 'qualified' but you were using a friend. Maybe this friend wasn't reliable but if you trusted her you were doing what you felt most comfortable with. A childminder could lie just as easily.

TippiShagpile · 29/12/2013 18:20

Sounds like you want us to agree that you should stick with your friend.

I wouldn't. But it's your choice.

Pancakeflipper · 29/12/2013 18:20

Was it a one off lie? If so why?

Or has she said they've been going to the group for months and never have?

But then again why lie? And how can you trust her if you continue using her care?

DeepThought · 29/12/2013 18:20

How old is your child?

Original poster
FoxyHarlow123 · 29/12/2013 18:20

When we talked about it, she just says she was trying to juggle too many things and was struggling and that's why she'd didn't take him. She is genuinely mortified and says she wishes she'd just discussed it with me at the time.

OP posts: