Re my driving instructor?

[Wevet]

I'm seven lessons into my first attempt to learn to drive in my 40s, and hating every second to the point where I am almost sick with nerves before each lesson, and finding them really, really difficult.

I am trying to figure out if it's 100% my issue - I know I am extremely nervous, frustrated by my own stupidity as a learner, and am finding remembering the basics very difficult - or whether my instructor and I are a poor match, and that's contributing to my difficulties.

I think she is trying to be encouraging, but she gets quite obviously impatient when I continually repeat mistakes, and it's a bit wearing to be spoken to as if I'm a dog being obedience-trained. She clearly thinks I'm highly-strung and have a negative approach, and need to be pushed, whereas I don't think she appreciates how much courage it's taking for me to get into the driving seat and turn on the ignition, every time, and that what she thinks is my very slow progress is me giving it absolutely everything I've got. (For various reasons, it isn't possible for me to practice between my twice-weekly lessons.) I have tried to explain this, obviously, but I don't think she can grasp that what is a normal activity for her is a source of real fear to me!

I need to block-book more lessons soon, or look around for another teacher, though we are so rural that there isn't much choice. AIBU, am I being a wilting fragile flower who should just woman up and get on with it, or is it not normal to end each lesson feeling so discouraged?

Thoughts, anyone?

I was exactly like you OP, I felt physically sick and hated every single minute of it. My anxiety went through the roof so I really do sympathise. But instead of fighting my instructor, I understood from their point of view and it gave me much more confidence, and I realised I was being daft. She's pushing you because perhaps you need to be pushed.

BUT she could just be a complete cowbag, so perhaps could you book ONE with a different instructor and see how that goes? Maybe they'd make you feel better and you could go with them instead

Change your teacher. You need to feel comfortable and trusting with whoever is guiding you. Or you are wasting your money.

It took me so long to learn how to drive and there were times I absolutely hated it and went home and cried in frustration!
You are doing so well to have lessons twice a week, I could only afford one with no practise inbetween! I was learning for over a year an passed my test last week (second attempt!)
I would say stick with it, it is worth it! Be assertive, you are paying the instructor. Mine was similar to yours, and I just had to say, this is the only time I get to practise and so the best way for me to learn is to do the same manoeuvre over and over again! Once she realised that's how I was learning and improving she went with it. Remember you have the money so have the power!

I think you should change instructor. Some people just aren't a good fit. I changed mine. The first one I had was sexist and always blabbed on about how women are slow picking driving up.

I always hate driving and don't drive much unless I have to. It took me longer than most to learn and I only passed on my 4th time I think.

If you repeat mistakes, repetition of the task will help until the action becomes routine. Don't worry about finding it difficult - not everyone finds it easy and you're learning, obviously you're going to make mistakes don't be so hard on yourself.

Do you have a car to practice in?
It might help with your confidence and driving. 1/2 hrs a week weren't enough for me I had to drive everyday before the actions sunk in.

I'd imagine everyone is anxious when they learn to drive.

You said she clearly thinks you're highly strung and have a negative approach. Does she really? Has she actually said those words to you or is that your own opinion?

I would change instructor, could you get one to pick you up from work, if you work in town?

Good luck, you can do it x

I'd look for an instructor who specialises in anxious pupils.

No, no car to practice in, unfortunately, and none I could borrow, which are why the lessons are all I have.

Juneau, she has said that I 'talk myself into having a negative approach', yes. And I cried at the end of one lesson, and she was embarrassed. (Well, so was I, it was awful, but quite apart from driving, life isn't easy otherwise at present, and DS isn't sleeping. I was mortified.)

Change your instructor, my first one used to show his irritation- my second was lovely and eternally patient

Change instructors
I did and it made the world of difference. Ok it took me longer than most to take my first test because of nerves but I felt fully supported the whole time
I passed first time 9 days ago and feel like I'm a reason ly good driver for it.

I hated every single second of my lessons. I was 17, and even though he was a really nice bloke, because it was such a stressful situation, I felt like he was being patronising, you know? I'd finish every lesson soaked in sweat (nice) and I just found the whole bloody ordeal unbearable.

DH was the same, I think it is just 'how it is'. Nightmarish. You will get through though, everyone does in the end. Good luck.

"Bach rescue remedy might help with the nerves?"

as might any placebo.

I also think that you are just not a good fit. Don't beat yourself up - she doesn't seem to "get" you, and that's especially hard for you at the moment because you are feeling vulnerable and seem, from what you say, to need extra empathy at the moment.

I would look for someone who specialises in teaching anxious drivers.

I had 3 instructors (failed twice and moved around a lot). I wasn't especially nervous, but if I'd have had the first instructor all the way through I'd have passed more quickly, because he was just a better fit for me.

Try someone else. What have you got to lose? I'm a very nervous driver who only learnt in my late 30s but my teacher was endlessly patient and just let me go at my own pace. I don't think I'd have got on with your teacher at all!

no, this isn't right. I am a qualified instructor for something else and it is the instructors job to help the pupil and to empathise. This person isn't for you.

change instructors. You can't be snorting the rescue remedy every time you get in the car!

be aware though that some people just can't do it - but there's no way you can assume you are one of those on the basis of one instructor.

I wasn't able to practise between lessons, but what I did find helped was a book about driving, it sounds very sad I know but it really helped! It meant that I understood why and what I was doing a bit more and knew what to expect.

MRSDV

yes, my dad learned on an automatic, in his 50s. It takes a lot of pressure off. And driving an automatic is fun

I thought I didn't like my instructor when I first started learning to drive. He seemed to get irritated with my mistakes and he was pushing me way too fast, which made me more and more nervous.

At the beginning of one lesson, I told him that I was nervous and that I didn't feel confident yet in the things we had been working on. We ended up having a nice chat about it, and it emerged that he had thought that I had done some driving before, which was why he was pushing me so much!

He took me through everything again and was a lot more patient from then on, and I began to enjoy my lessons.

I think you should try and have a similar chat with your instructor. If she still stays the same, change instructors.

I remember on my third or fourth lesson, I was trying to pull out of a busy junction and nobody would let me out (turning left). I was so busy concentrating that I didn't notice the men in a van behind me shouting and gesticulating about how long I was taking. The next thing, my driving instructor got out of the car and starting shouting at them saying things like 'were you born with the ability to drive?'. They shut up pretty quickly after that .

The moral of the story is that she showed me it was ok to make mistakes and she had faith in me. It took me 18 months of weekly lessons and two tests to pass but I trusted my instructor implicitly. And even when I made some very stupid mistakes, she never made me feel bad for it.

I would also suggest trying a taster lesson with a new instructor and go from there.

I would change. I had two instructors. The first one was nice enough but seemed to think there were things I should know even though he hadn't explained them. For eg, he made no attempt to teach me the rules on a roundabout, whenever we got one, he would just tell me whether it was safe to go or not. As someone who hadn't got behind the wheel before (which he knew) I didn't know I should know this stuff. As soon as I found my second instructor, who explained everything as much as I needed, I realised just how 'off' the first instructor was.

My sister also learned with the first one and stuck with him. Unfortunately, although she did learn the rules of the road, some of the things has has taught her and the methods he has used very much shows in ever driving even now. On that score alone, I know I made the right choice to switch.

Whereabouts are you? Maybe someone could recommend an instructor to you.

Another one adding to the 'change' votes.

My instructor (I had three in the end, but this one did most of it) was the soul of patience with me and never let on that he was the slightest bit impatient. He actually made me feel as if I was making good progress. It took me the best part of two years to learn to drive and when I asked him straight out he admitted I had been very slow and hesitant. But he didn't show it while he was teaching me and that made a big difference.