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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re my driving instructor?

68 replies

Wevet · 29/12/2013 16:12

I'm seven lessons into my first attempt to learn to drive in my 40s, and hating every second to the point where I am almost sick with nerves before each lesson, and finding them really, really difficult.

I am trying to figure out if it's 100% my issue - I know I am extremely nervous, frustrated by my own stupidity as a learner, and am finding remembering the basics very difficult - or whether my instructor and I are a poor match, and that's contributing to my difficulties.

I think she is trying to be encouraging, but she gets quite obviously impatient when I continually repeat mistakes, and it's a bit wearing to be spoken to as if I'm a dog being obedience-trained. She clearly thinks I'm highly-strung and have a negative approach, and need to be pushed, whereas I don't think she appreciates how much courage it's taking for me to get into the driving seat and turn on the ignition, every time, and that what she thinks is my very slow progress is me giving it absolutely everything I've got. (For various reasons, it isn't possible for me to practice between my twice-weekly lessons.) I have tried to explain this, obviously, but I don't think she can grasp that what is a normal activity for her is a source of real fear to me!

I need to block-book more lessons soon, or look around for another teacher, though we are so rural that there isn't much choice. AIBU, am I being a wilting fragile flower who should just woman up and get on with it, or is it not normal to end each lesson feeling so discouraged?

Thoughts, anyone?

OP posts:

TheNewSchmoo · 29/12/2013 20:16

My mum had an instructor she loved. In fact I think she had a little crush on him, she was so verbose about him. When I started learning I naturally went with him. He was bloody awful. I don't know why but I hated him.

Cut to instructor 2 - my colleagues partner (he did do it for a living). Every time I made a mistake he would say "that's ok" in a calm, soothing way. Drove me bonkers. I once went up a curb "that's ok". It is not bloody ok. I wanted him to be a bit more honest with me.

Cut to instructor 3. She was awesome. Taught me in an xr2i (very long ago). Just loved her.

You've got to find an instructor who fits you. Good luck.

Chippednailvarnish · 29/12/2013 20:21

You need to remember that you're a paying customer! If the instructor doesn't work for you, than change now before you waste anymore money with them.

TokenGirl1 · 29/12/2013 20:43

I absolutely hated driving lessons. I said after passing my test second time round that I would rather sit 3 A levels again than do lessons and a test again.

I changed instructors and was much more comfortable with the second one. You need to find one that fits you. I second going on a trial lesson with another instructor but explain how you're feeling to both instructors and see who is most supportive. Good luck!

TokenGirl1 · 29/12/2013 20:45

I absolutely hated driving lessons. I said after passing my test second time round that I would rather sit 3 A levels again than do lessons and a test again.

MrsDeVere · 29/12/2013 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bellasuewow · 29/12/2013 20:54

I was so nervous I had cbt and then finally passed on my ninth test. My last instructor was brilliant we clicked and had a laugh but the anxiety I had to deal with on my own as that was a problem from childhood driving in the car every day with a parent who was terrified and anxiou sin the car. I am now too chilled out on the roads though so don't get too comfortable... And best of luck op you can do it don't give up eye of the tiger...

HoHoHopasholic · 29/12/2013 21:04

Another vote for changing instructor and learning in an automatic. I passed my test first time aged 39 [couldnt learn earlier due to medical condition]

BUT! The car I learnt in was brand new. I couldn't afford a brand new one but then just couldn't handle an older car. It was really different to driving in the new one, I constantly stalled it and lost my confidence. I sold it on and daren't drive again for a year, DH persuaded me to have a go in an automatic and honestly I LOVE driving now. So yes I passed in a manual but do bear in mind that a second hand one feels very different as a beginner.

treelorex · 29/12/2013 21:05

Just wanted to say thank you OP for starting this post - I tried to learn to drive 13 years ago after the birth of my first baby (looking back I was a hormonal mess so probably not the best time to learn a new skill!) I hated every minute of it and gave up after a few months. I have always regretted it and long to be able to just jump in a car with the children and go out for the day without relying on buses. The last few months I have been thinking about booking a few lessons with an automatic driving instructor and the comments on this thread have made me think it worth a go and just maybe I could do it! OP wish you all the best with your lessons and fingers crossed you will find an instructor who is a good fit for you x

ouchthathurt · 29/12/2013 21:17

Please change. I've had batches of trying to learn to drive spread over a 28 year period (aaarrghh!!!). I've had a total of 8 instructors in 4 different cities and 4 of them were appalling. The latest instructor is an absolute gem and makes me realise what a sklilful instructor is. He is patient, thorough, analytical, gentle, funny and a bloody good teacher. I took my first test recently and failed and felt terrible for letting HIM down more than anything (I just screwed up my reverse park manoeuvre). I am putting in for my 2nd test in the New Year and hopefully will pass. Keep at it. Find a good instructor. Try and do it in manual if you can.

Thisismyfirsttime · 29/12/2013 21:22

My DH drives a manual and I don't find it a problem that I only drive auto because we'd have our own cars anyway, he's a bit precious about his cars! If we're going away somewhere and both want to drive we take my car because he can obviously drive that. He prefers driving auto on long drives anyway. If you were going to share a car that is already owned and is a manual it would be a problem but other than that I can't praise autos enough!

LividofLondon · 31/12/2013 17:11

"My first instructor was nice, I thought, but he kept telling me nonsense - drive up to the speed limit (38 in 40 instead of 30 I was doing, no need to signal, no need to reduce your speed even though it's raining)"

Notawordfromtheladybird
No idea why he would say not to reduce your speed when it's raining, but (depending on context) I think he's correct with the other 2 points. I can't remember the normal test rules, but if you go for your advanced driving test you will fail for "not making progress" if you do 30MPH in a 40MPH zone unless it's unsafe to drive at 40MPH. I know it's a speed limit but you would fail the test if you dawdled. Regarding being told not to indicate, that depends on when. Again, with advanced driving you only indicate if there is someone to benefit from it. Doing it automatically gives the impression you are on auto-pilot rather than reading the road well, being observant and making a conscious decision to indicate for the benefit of pedestrians or other road users in the vicinity. Saying that, it's been many years since I was an IAM Observer and the rules may have changed since.

mrsrupertpenryjones · 31/12/2013 18:13

Another vote to change instructors. My first instructor left me feeling like I really was rubbish. The next one was so much better.

tb · 31/12/2013 19:15

I failed my test the first time when I was 17, and only had the lessons to practise. At university, I went to the local nationwide school in south Manchester. Having spent half of my term's grant on lessons, I failed my second test with all the same faults as I'd had the first time.

My lessons consisted of driving between tobacconists so the instructor could buy his next packet of fags.

I then took it twice in my bf's clapped out Vauxhall Viva. By the fourth test, even though still very nervous, I'd learned to drive - by driving on my own, and driving on motorways. Not really recommended, but it showed my that I could drive and gave me the confidence that I needed.

Now, I'm (almost) quite happy driving on my own around central London in a left-hand drive car with a dodgy sat nav that's lost it's maps. We now drive about 30,000 km a year between us, and I've often driven from SW France to NW England on my own in a French car.

hedwig2001 · 31/12/2013 19:38

Many instructors offer the first lesson free, so you can see if you like them.

Original poster

Wevet · 31/12/2013 20:06

Laughing at the instructor making his pupil drive between tobacconists for fag supplies. When my mother learned, she was pregnant with my brother, it was with a tweedy WW2 vet who chainsmoked throughout the lessons...

Thanks for all comments, everyone. I will take the general advice to at least test-drive another instructor before throwing in the towel...

OP posts:

anotherrandomusername · 31/12/2013 21:37

You've inspired me actually OP! I've been thinking that 38 was too late to start learning, but I am going to book lessons in the new year and give it a go!

mikeygo122 · 18/06/2019 15:54

I just wanted to add I hear the frustrations with driving instructors and even driving students from the instructors' point of view.

Learners are typically not spoken to with respect and feel like they aren't making the right type of progress.

Instructors, have students calling in sick when they are outside their house and missing their income.

It is tough for both parties. I used GoRoadie to get my instructor which let me pick the instructor that matched my personality and helped me pass in record time too :) www.goroadie.com/ Might help future learners avoid the pain of finding an instructor!

thecatsthecats · 18/06/2019 16:01

A weird tip I have for both driving and other physical skills - it helped me a lot.

Firstly: I got a lot out of 'pretending' to drive as I walked along. Not having my hands up or doing gestures etc, but literally just imagining I was in a car on the road beside the pavement, what I'd need to do as I came up the hill, preparing to turn left, seeing hazards etc.

Secondly: I got a reasonable amount out of sitting on my sofa with a plate in my hands, literally miming the act of driving.

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