Re my driving instructor?

[Wevet]

I'm seven lessons into my first attempt to learn to drive in my 40s, and hating every second to the point where I am almost sick with nerves before each lesson, and finding them really, really difficult.

I am trying to figure out if it's 100% my issue - I know I am extremely nervous, frustrated by my own stupidity as a learner, and am finding remembering the basics very difficult - or whether my instructor and I are a poor match, and that's contributing to my difficulties.

I think she is trying to be encouraging, but she gets quite obviously impatient when I continually repeat mistakes, and it's a bit wearing to be spoken to as if I'm a dog being obedience-trained. She clearly thinks I'm highly-strung and have a negative approach, and need to be pushed, whereas I don't think she appreciates how much courage it's taking for me to get into the driving seat and turn on the ignition, every time, and that what she thinks is my very slow progress is me giving it absolutely everything I've got. (For various reasons, it isn't possible for me to practice between my twice-weekly lessons.) I have tried to explain this, obviously, but I don't think she can grasp that what is a normal activity for her is a source of real fear to me!

I need to block-book more lessons soon, or look around for another teacher, though we are so rural that there isn't much choice. AIBU, am I being a wilting fragile flower who should just woman up and get on with it, or is it not normal to end each lesson feeling so discouraged?

Thoughts, anyone?

Another vote for changing instructor. I was a anxious learner, I ended up changing instructor after a course of extremely tense lessons (the low point was making my instructor cry after a mistake on a roundabout ). The next instructor was hilarious and made me feel at ease, and wouldn't you know it my driving dramatically improved. I actually passed first time!

I'd give someone else a go for one lesson. See how you feel then.

I was in your position. Please change your instructor.

Is it an independant driving instructor? They can be bad for learning as they sometimes really need your money. If you pass they are out of work! Try the AA or RAC driving schools. Their instructors have waiting lists. They want you to pass as it gives them job satisfaction. They will be happy to find someone who will come out to your home. I went through six instructors including one who smelled really bad and one who made me cry. I kept calling them up and complaining and they kept sending me someone new. The last one was brilliant, even took me out on his own birthday to practice as my test was the folllowing morning. Find a new instructor who fits you.

Change instructors. My daughter had one and he made her feel very nervous and she wouldn't book lessons. Changed and her driving improved overnight. My son had her new instructor too and he passed 10 weeks after his 17th birthday. (He just seemed to be a natural driver though)

Change instructors. I had a batch of lessons at 17 but when trying again in my late 20s has the most negative driving instructor who put me off.

With test date approaching I took a recommendation do an instructor who was good with nervous drivers & repeat failers. He was great and very positive, made me put the test date back but only for a month to give myself a chance. Passed second time

Can you ask around for a good instructor?

You need to feel comfortable with both instructor & car, I'd change in your position.

I have to disagree with Tulip26. I would avoid the big driving schools at all costs. They are far too formulaic and don't have any incentive to invest in pupils. The independents are the best, they often rely on word of mouth for their future pupils so it's more likely you will get a better and more efficient service as they will want you to tell people about them.

I would echo MrsDeVere's point about switching to an automatic. My husband learned to drive in an automatic after failing his test spectacularly in a manual and I started using one and love it too. You can get good automatics relatively easily now, I have friends who prefer them too, and for a nervous learner driver who has no opportunity to practice in-between, they are ideal, because there are no gear changes and no clutch control, they just trundle along.

Honestly switch to an automatic and switch teacher, you will be able to crack driving quite easily if you do this.

I would only switch to an automatic if the car is the problem. Driving a manual or being qualified to drive one is much better long term. Try changing instructors first to see if that solves any issues.

I do see everyone's point about changing to an automatic, it's just that there are still far fewer to choose from out there in the second hand market.

My father started the process of teaching me to drive. Unfortunately he'd been a racing driver before I was born, was insanely very confident himself, and had some rather terrifying bad habits. I was rather pleased when he decided it might be better to leave it until I was older!

I finally hit into the process properly after I graduated, and I too changed instructors from a rather bossy ex serviceman to a lovely lady - she finally got me through at attempt no. 6

Change instructor. My second instructor got me doing in one lesson what my first hadnt managed in ten because the first one was such an arse. You are paying for a service, not receiving a favour - if they can't tailor their approach to one which works for you (which given the number of different pupils they've seen shouldn't be too difficult) don't throw good money after bad and get one who can.

Definitely change. My first instructor was nice enough but, in retrospect, a bit rubbish. My second I hated for the first hour of my first lesson and loved by the end of it as he really paid attention to the basics in a way that had me learning more in one lesson with him than several months with his predecessor.

I spent about a year learning to drive with just one 2 hour lesson a week and no practicing in between. I got there. And I am glad I stuck with a manual.

I hated learning to drive manual with my first instructor, switched to a new instructor and an automatic and I picked it up easily and loved it! It is generally slightly more expensive to drive auto (cars tend to be a little more expensive and you tend to use a bit more fuel) but I love it. It's like driving a go kart everywhere you go!

Sounds like your instructor isn't a good match for you. I passed my test with my 3rd instructor; the first 2 just didn't instil me with confidence so I used to get a bit anxious with them, but the 3rd was excellent. He was so laid back and relaxed (like he was comfortable being my passenger) but was so on the ball too. Plus he used to bribe me with sweets, so if I did a good maneuver I'd get one .

I think I had 4 or 5 instructors. Just kept changing till I found one I liked and didn't make me feel like the way yours does to you. Passed first time.

I've been driving for two decades and have had to take lessons to get a uk license. My first instructor was nice, I thought, but he kept telling me nonsense - drive up to the speed limit (38 in 40 instead of 30 I was doing, no need to signal, no need to reduce your speed even though it's raining)...I switched when he used his brake completely unnecessarily for the umpteenth time, because he just liked to make his point stick by frightening his pupils. In retrospect, he was never positive and wore my confidence down. And I'm an experienced driver!! New instructor often asks about how I best retain info and works with me to help certain bits stick.

Thanks, everyone. I have instructor envy from some of your stories! I would have preferred to learn in an automatic, but everyone keeps telling me it's better to learn to drive 'properly' (their words), and be qualified to drive a manual. The general consensus seems to be that I'm not in fact a fragile flower who needs to grit her teeth and soldier on, but someone who might do better with another instructor. I'm going to go with the advice and book a session with someone else ( if I can find one) and see if I'm less of a wreck.

I confess I'm awfully tempted, MrsDV... Were there any significant disadvantages to being able to drive an automatic only?

yy Some cars are now sort of semi-automatics - anyway. Its a Mitsubishi Colt. Have a look - sorry don't know the details

Wevet

Only disadvantage is that some driving snobs say it isn't "proper driving" - whatever the feck that means

Something like this happened to me - except my instructor was a bullying shouty arsehole. He was so awful I noticed a marked difference in how he behaved towards his male clients to his female clients.

I really wish I'd taken the advice of a friend who'd been driving for many years which was: if you don't like him/her, CHANGE INSTRUCTOR.

She was a very confident driver with the second instructor and ended up passing first time, but her first instructor was awful and made her very nervous.

So yar, think of them as your employee - dump her and employ someone else. It can be helpful to get recommendations from other people. Have any of your friends/older children had lessons recently?

Oh, and CHANGE.

Definitely change instructor. I had one like her, who pushed me hard - though I definitely needed it! Admittedly he was slightly odd (implying I was on my period because I wasn't driving well that day :s!) but he knew I needed the tough love. My sister on the other hand needed a softly softly attitude or she'd have given the whole thing up - it's just about matching teaching style to the pupil.

Far better to change now than when you're £££ down the line!!

I'm not saying you shouldn't learn in an automatic, just that it's better to learn in a manual if you can. The disadvantages of not having a license to drive both is that you are limited to only owning and driving automatics. The jury is out on whether it is more expensive to run an automatic (my driving instructor said it wasn't, but people I know who have autos have said yes).

Bottom line, you don't want to limit yourself if possible and from your OP the problem seems to be the instruction, not the car. I would try with a manual again and if you're still finding it to be an issue, then think about an automatic.