Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this complaint against myself and a co worker is ridiculous? 

124 replies

Lovebargains · 29/12/2013 14:11

I work in an office with 5 people, all women. On the day in question, I was in the office with one of the women. Another colleague came in and excitedly talked about how her and were husband were going to try for a baby. This was particularly good news for her as she had some serious gynaecological problems in her early twenties and she was told she may never be able to have children. She had just been given the all clear. We spent some time talking about children. The woman who I share an office with stayed silent, didn't turn around from her PC and then just walked away and didn't come back until the colleague had gone. I didn't think too much of it.

Later my line manager called me to a meeting and said the woman in my office had made a complaint against me because I had been chatting to my colleague about pregnancy and children and she felt we were both very insensitive as she can't meet anyone and is unlikely to have children because of her age. Luckily my line manager didn't take it too seriously but I am astounded that someone can complain about this? We did not seek to offend her or anyone. It was simply sharing some good news.

AIBU to think the woman in my office had no right to complain about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovebargains · 29/12/2013 16:45

Thank you for our responses everyone

WoowooOwl: she made a complaint to our line manager. She didn't say anything to me that the conversation upset her in anyway

MothershipG: she had mentioned that she would like to meet someone but she had not mentioned children. I did not know that this was a sensitive topic

LeGuardia: I have witnessed her have long non work related conversations so think it would be a bit rich for her to complain about this, is it gossip if someone comes in and says they are trying to conceive? Confused

SolidGoldBrass: I am not interested in having a gossip but won't ignore people if they come in and share nice news

Ilovesooty: my line manager doesn't mind people chatting. She is in the same office and has never pulled any four of us up for chatting or gossiping

justmyview: if she has upset about excessive chatting, she could have said. I have witnessed her having much longer non work related conversations

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 29/12/2013 16:46

Doyoulike stop being ridiculous. In my office the OP could in the physical constraints of the building hold this conversation right beside my desk and I would find it annoying if I were trying to concentrate or were on the phone. Or the OP and her chum could move a very small distance of a few feet to our kitchen or beside the printers/copiers and witter on to their hearts'

Original poster
Lovebargains · 29/12/2013 16:48

Caitlin17: bloody hell I am glad you are not my line manager. Thank goodness I have the one I have. She is brilliant :)

Wintersunsets: it did happen. Sounds unbelievable but it is true. I never said she put in a formal complaint, my line manager came to me and said she had put in a complaint but the line manager chose not to take it further because it was ridiculous. I am good friends with the line manager and we socialise out of work and she told me word for word what was said in the woman's complaint

The line manager had no issue with the nature of the conversation that was discussed

OP posts:
BuffyxSummers · 29/12/2013 16:52

So she wasn't taking it any further but decided to tell it all to you anyway? Aren't complaints confidential? What a douche move.

eurochick · 29/12/2013 16:52

This is completely ridiculous. I have been unsuccessfully ttc for years and was going through yet another IVF cycle in the run up to Christmas. I had to hear my colleagues talking about how excited their children were, and the plans they had to take them to see Father Christmas, etc. It made me sad, but I wouldn't have dreamed of complaining about it. It's nothing to do with the employer!

TheFarSide · 29/12/2013 16:56

I think your line manager has not behaved very well to relay the complaint to you in its entirety. She should retain some professional distance, especially if you are good friends with her.

ilovesooty · 29/12/2013 16:59

We work really hard. But also chat about just about every subject: football, current affairs, children everything

Same in mine by and large. Now the OP has explained that there aren't any issues with chatting and working at the same time it all seems very strange behaviour on the woman's part. I still think it's strange news to share in the office though, as a general rule.

Original poster
Lovebargains · 29/12/2013 17:00

eurochick: I am the same. I had fertility issues myself and wouldn't have dreamed of complaining about others talking about their families and children no matter how difficult it was at times

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 29/12/2013 17:01

I think it's weirdly personal to tell people about your shagging plans. Your colleague was more weird in complaining about it. I can understand being privately sad, but I'd be too embarrassed to tell my manager how I felt.

ilovesooty · 29/12/2013 17:01

Yes, I also think the line manager has behaved very unprofessionally.

Grennie · 29/12/2013 17:03

The manager may have been following company procedures.

NearTheWindmill · 29/12/2013 17:06

The bit that stands out for me is she made a complaint "because she can't meet anyone and because of her age it's unlikely she will have children". So she complains because two other work colleagues are pleased that one of them is going to try for a baby with her partner. I think the lady needs to reflect about the reasons why she can't meet someone. I also think her complaint is unreasonable and would not stand up to a proper grievance investigation.

I hope your company has an employee assistance programme and that your line manager suggested she use it to access counselling from the perspective of providing a duty of care. That should at least close off any risk for the organisation in the event that the woman is litigious and out to try to make a buck or three in relation to the Equality Act.

I have been in a position where I have been working and have had several miscarriages and others have announced pregnancies (years ago now). You smile and say through gritted teeth "I am so pleased for you, that is wonderful news". You then have a weep in the bog and come back in with a smile on your face.

Needs a kick up the backside and I'm an HR Manager - sets face, open palms and invites lady to tell me what has upset her but does not disclose the stupidity of it to anyone else.

DorisButtons · 29/12/2013 17:11

Utterly bonkers (of course). As we all know, the joy of others is not a deliberate pie in the face for any of us who are not quite where we want to be in some area of our life.

I too have had fertility ishoos - never thought anyone got pregnant just to piss me off!

Tbh, the next time she quacks on about having a "nice long bath" or a "lie-in" or "watching something on TV" I suggest you burst in to tears, run out and wail something about "you don't know what it's like living with toddlers, how can you be so insensitive?".

I am glad I'm self-employed and before that worked with spectrum men!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 29/12/2013 17:12

I work in an office with a variety of people. Some of us have kids, some are young marrieds with no kids, one is in her 40's, no kids, and single, and she has mentioned to me that this is a source of sadness to her.
I wouldn't go on about having babies in front of her. Not because she would make a complaint, just because a) I like to keep my personal life personal, and b) I am sensitive to the fact that it might make her feel shit.
Actually, there is too much chatting in my office, and it makes it hard to concentrate a lot of the time, so I wish they would all STFU on a regular basis!
So, yes she WBU to make an actual complaint, but there is a time and place for such conversations, and work aint it.

foreverondiet · 29/12/2013 18:05

I have never worked in an all female office, but can't imagine discussing TTC with work colleagues, seems TMI to me - would probably tell the person I wanted to tell in private, maybe in the toilets if couldn't go out for a coffee!

However I think she was a bit unreasonable for three reasons - although I am not sure TTC is appropriate office banter would be very normal to talk about babies once someone was pregnant and had announced pregnancy, and this would be worse as TTC is still a step further away from having a baby than a pregnancy is.

And secondly, she should do something about her situation if its such a problem! Finding someone, or having a baby on her own if its that important to her. A friend recently adopted a toddler on her own so unlikely she would be too old for this.

And also because you hadn't been previously told this was a sensitive topic. Assuming your co worked does get pregnant this would have come up with all the baby talk in the run up to the maternity leave.

Original poster
Lovebargains · 29/12/2013 18:11

DorisButtons love it!

She often talks about having an early night and siestas, not an option for me with 2 preschoolers!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 29/12/2013 18:18

Actually, I think your line manager is being a bit shitty. Unless this woman is a tiresome whinyarse with a history of frivolous complaints and attention-seeking, then it strikes me that the line manager is playing favourites and tacitly encouraging the rest of you to sneer at this woman for being single and childless because you're All Pals Together and therefore a department scapegoat is needed.
Even if she is a whinyarse, the correct thing for the line manager to do would have been to deal with her complaint by saying, sorry you were upset, I'll send a memo round, then send a memo round to All Staff saying, stop jabbering on about your personal lives when you're supposed to be working but not to encourage you and your TTC colleague to regard the woman who complained as a spiteful bitter old cow, which is what the line manager appears to have done.

MrsSteptoe · 29/12/2013 18:24

Insightful post, solidgoldbrass... it could certainly read that way, couldn't it?

Original poster
Lovebargains · 29/12/2013 18:25

SolidGoldBrass - line manager is single and childless herself so is definitely not encouraging the rest of us to sneer at her. No scapegoat is needed. Line manager would not be so stupid as to send a memo round telling everyone to stop jabbering about our personal lives and work instead. She is very easygoing and doesn't expect everybody's nose to be to the grindstone as soon as we start work until the minute we finish, thank goodness Grin

OP posts:
FutureDreamer · 29/12/2013 18:27

It's not so much discussing TTC as discussing the fact that she now can (and is)

Not being permitted to talk about anything other than work is insane! Thank god for being treated like an adult.

ilove what are civil service LEAN projects.

Original poster
Lovebargains · 29/12/2013 18:30

FutureDreamer - spot on, the fact that she can now go ahead after having to wait 10 years is a big thing, not the usual case for someone TTC

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 29/12/2013 18:31

LB: Ok, so your colleague may well be a bit difficult. Some people are. The best thing to do is let it go. You have not been officially reprimanded and nothing bad is going to happen to you. But it's perhaps worth watching out for a tendency in your whole department to exclude the complainer and gang up on her. If she feels isolated and bullied then this chat you had may have been the last straw. You know your situation and the other people involved; just think about it a little bit.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/12/2013 18:37

It's not something I would discuss with a work colleague, or indeed anybody except my partner and possibly gp, however others doing so wouldn't bother me.

Your colleague was being ridiculous.

Original poster
Lovebargains · 29/12/2013 18:38

I have not said anything to the woman who made the complaint as she is obviously upset. I am just venting on here because I was annoyed and I felt she was being unreasonable. I didnt want to vent to other people at work who know her

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovebargains · 29/12/2013 18:39

I personally would not discuss TTC, my sex life or anything else very personal at work but I would never prevent others if they wished to

OP posts: