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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reading my posts and comments is getting on my tits.

56 replies

GoodnessKnows · 29/12/2013 13:46

He is now 'mentioning' his displeasure at my rare DH comments.
I made the mistake of telling him how much I was getting out of MN and how entertaining the humorous posts are. It's pretty obvious who I am as I'm time through particularly individual circumstances at the moment so he's spotted me. He told me this morning that he wasn't happy for me to put stuff about my DH. WTF! Get off the site!
I'm cross and changing my user name won't help as I want to continue to post on threads I've come to like and appreciate / need at the moment (health worries, in particular). I'm not being unreasonable am I? Get off MY / our site!

OP posts:
Iamsparklyknickers · 29/12/2013 13:50

If you're on long running threads you could PM the regulars with your name change?

But no, YANBU, if you want to chat anonymously on the internet then it's no concern of his - it's not that much different to chatting to a friend in your local and someone potentially overhearing.

Tell him to get over himself, he's not that interesting that the rest of the world is looking for mentions of him on the internet.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 29/12/2013 13:58

Oh I'm going to keep quiet about the entertainment value of mn from now on. :-)
Can't see an issue unless you are "saying" unfavorable things about him, how would you feel if it was the other way round? Not taking sides btw.
It's a shame really as I know some if the things I discuss in here would probably bore him stupid !

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2013 14:01

Nice invasion of your personal space Hmm Does he always act like such an insecure twat?

TheGinLushMinion · 29/12/2013 14:01

YANBU at all- I had to NC due to this very reason & it annoyed the fuck out of me especially as my old username was very fitting & I loved it Angry

Beastofburden · 29/12/2013 14:01

Men often don't get why we would want to share in this way. I think there is some jealousy involved.

Tell him to be grateful your not discussing his many shortcomings with people who actually know him.

And maybe NC, PM the regulars and then make your posts a bit more generic, so you can't be outed.

TapirsCaperWithReindeers · 29/12/2013 14:05

MN is a valuable resource for us to talk about our lives (or to shoot the breeze) and all the things that go on in them, and do so anonymously.

Personally speaking, I wouldn't give a shiny shit if dh was talking about me on a message board - he's an adult, and if he feels the need to talk about an issue with me to get others POV, then fair do's to him.

OP - you are not being unreasonable in using MN in this way, but you are being unreasonable in expecting him to not read one of the best boards around. Give namechanging another go, and follow sparkly's ^^ advice.

Original poster
GoodnessKnows · 29/12/2013 14:06

I'm going through this health stuff and some of my worries ARE about him. Will he get stroppy of feeling overloaded with DCs and me (serious spinal surgery tumour thing). Also don't want to be dependent, fears of abandonment as will be totally dependent, not keen on being shouted at (if he gets overwhelmed). Must add, it's ME doing the shouting at the mo. I'm so anxious. Hey ho. Think I've got it all out now.

OP posts:
Financeprincess · 29/12/2013 14:13

Nosy bar steward! You deserve some privacy.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2013 14:35

If he can't even respect the fact tht you need a private (private from him that is) space to talk about this stuff then I'd say your other worries about how he will handle this are justified :( I'm sorry he's causing you this additional stress when you least need it :(

ComposHat · 29/12/2013 14:45

Depends how you'd feel about him posting on on another aite sharing details of your marriage and saying what a cow you were on occasions?

I wouldn't mind, but I think that should shape your response.

Original poster
GoodnessKnows · 29/12/2013 15:31

Compo. I'm sharing my concerns about beckoning dependent and the stresses I worry that it'll put on our relationship. It's private.

OP posts:
themaltesefalcon · 29/12/2013 15:37

I think your husband is bang out of order.

WinterWinds · 29/12/2013 15:52

No Yanbu at all.

He should respect your privacy. He must have been snooping anyway if he found you without knowing your user name

My Dh used to snoop after i'd been on the net, he would comment on every single site i'd been on and searches i'd made on google, whether that was Head lice lotion, Ebay, local newspaper,MN (never knew user name though!) or whatever!!

Used to piss me right off, I know now that he was insecure at the time (was a long time ago) and I think was secretly hoping to catch me out doing something I shouldn't be, not that he ever did mind.....it was all in his head.

Why does he feel the need to Invade your privacy? Is he insecure?

Beastofburden · 29/12/2013 16:00

I know what you mean when you say it feels as if MN is private. It's not of course. Anyone can read what we post.

Worth being careful what you post- someone iRL might well recognise you.

I would say he is not BU to remind you of that risk but he is BU to want to control how who you trust and what you tell them when dealing with this difficult time.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2013 16:05

I'm not sure how I'd feel really if I discovered my DH on an open internet forum, discussing me or our problems.

I guess I'd want to make totally sure that no-one could piece together his past posts, and therefore recognise me?

It's not something he'd be interested in doing so I genuinely don't know how I'd feel? Confused

But I understand why your DH might feel a bit 'odd'.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 29/12/2013 16:05

I think your DH needs to butt out. My DH would not dream of commenting - although he did get involved in the ruining a movie by changing one word thread and that was a lot of fun. We do discuss what I put on MN at times, but he wouldn't dream of trying to control or comment.

Gossipmonster · 29/12/2013 16:45

I feel your pain op. I have had to lock the iPad because DH pores over my FB and reads all my PMs gets arsey about private conversations between me and my friends and and status update pertaining to him but says he hates FB and doesn't want his own account. Hmm

Luckily he doesn't know who I am on here.

ChristmasSocks · 29/12/2013 16:53

He might be worried you are going to do a Penis Beaker on him... fair enough. I wonder if that couple are still together?

Original poster
GoodnessKnows · 29/12/2013 19:09

Penis Beaker? Do tell!
He's a good man and lovely DH (you listening, DH?), so he'd not read anything he'd be uncomfortable with. It's all about me feeling comfy to share some thoughts anonymously. Irony is, it won't be anything I've not told him myself. Just good to get objective and anonymous feedback sometimes.

OP posts:
Amateurish · 29/12/2013 19:14

Reading your posts about him on a public forum is not an invasion of privacy is it? If he was reading your emails I would agree. Would you be annoyed if he followed you on Twitter?

quirrelquarrel · 29/12/2013 19:23

My now ex promised me when I asked him not to go looking up my posts cos this was part of my private space. He assured me he would not, he understood why I'd want that etc. Turned out he not only was reading everything I was writing but also hacked into my account and was reading my private messages too.
I found out when I was messing around on his laptop, clicked on mumsnet and was taken straight to my logged in profile page Angry

I've linked my mum to threads I've posted for advice so she could just read that and be updated. But she promised not to read my other posts and I can trust her.

If you want privacy, you should get it. Your DH is being unreasonable.

tudorqueen · 29/12/2013 19:26

Everyone needs a place/person where they can discuss anything they like without fear of family members finding out what they really think of them.

Just because you are married it does not mean that you have to share everything and know everything about each other. We all need a private life.

DOn't think my DH even knows this site exists let alone that I post on it! He also doesn't have access to my FB or twitter accounts - but then, he'd be pretty bored if he did.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 19:31

Well, it's not really "private" is it. This is a public forum and he has as much right to read it as anyone else. MNHQ are always at pains to stress this.

there are even links to FB and twatter

having said that, he should understand that you need a sounding board away from him atm, and I would consider his stalking of your posts (did you tell him your user name, incidentally) to be out of order, akin to reading an unlocked diary or texts on a phone

I wouldn't do that in an otherwise trusting and respectful relationship

quirrelquarrel · 29/12/2013 19:42

it's about respect and empathy more than anything else though isn't it AF?

If his slight bit of curiosity overrides your v. reasonable request for him to stay away from MN, then he's really ignoring your feelings. If he knows you have a problem with it and he stubbornly persists then that's not on. Although yes technically it is a public forum and all that.

NoComet · 29/12/2013 19:46

YANBU
DH could read my posts, he wanders in often enough to know both my old and this (tennis) username.

He wouldn't read my posts, just as I don't read his emails. His machine is on 24/7 and I easily could when he's at work.

In fact DH can read anything that goes over the house internet, he's a total geek and only he has the foggiest idea how the Unix box that cone t's US to the outside world works.

This is handy, because the DDs know DH won't look unless he thinks they are. being very stupid, but he can.